Waiting for somebody to propose...

Knottie1428941486

I think I am a bit crazy (and I generally do get anxious about even the smallest things), but does anyone have any tips for being in a relationship and not worrying about whether your partner feels exactly the same way and wants the same things? I suppose I'm not referring to general love or care for you, but just engagements/proposals in particular. For instance, I know that people are sometimes together for 2-10 years before somebody proposes, but I often wonder how they manage to wait so long without getting anxious. I've been in a relationship for only 2 years, and we live together, and I want to get engaged..and it's something that has been discussed with hints that it'll happen in the future, but I can't help but feel that if my partner felt the same way, the proposal would've already happened or should happen soon! I know people sometimes have good reasons for it, and maybe it's even in the process of being planned, but I just can't seem to stop myself from being anxious about it all!

Thanks!

labro

Knottie1428941486 said:

I think I am a bit crazy (and I generally do get anxious about even the smallest things), but does anyone have any tips for being in a relationship and not worrying about whether your partner feels exactly the same way and wants the same things? I suppose I'm not referring to general love or care for you, but just engagements/proposals in particular. For instance, I know that people are sometimes together for 2-10 years before somebody proposes, but I often wonder how they manage to wait so long without getting anxious. I've been in a relationship for only 2 years, and we live together, and I want to get engaged..and it's something that has been discussed with hints that it'll happen in the future, but I can't help but feel that if my partner felt the same way, the proposal would've already happened or should happen soon! I know people sometimes have good reasons for it, and maybe it's even in the process of being planned, but I just can't seem to stop myself from being anxious about it all!

Thanks!

Hi! Welcome to NEY!

Most of the time, those couples have had upfront conversations about when they'd like to get engaged. They have a plan and a timeline in place. It sounds like you and your SO have tentatively talked about it, but I think you need to have a sit-down, no subtle cues or hints conversation about getting married and some sort of timeline. When H and I had been dating for a few months we sat down and talked about how we definitely wanted to pursue a serious long-term relationship with each other. That discussion involved in to us saying we knew we wanted to get married to each other eventually, but that we weren't in a hurry, and that both us were good with dating for 2 or 3 years before engagement and marriage and that's exactly how it worked out for us

So basically, sit down, talk with your SO, talk about your expectations and your SO's expectations. I don't think it's right for either of you to just sit around passively waiting and wondering "will he?" "When will he?". Part of being an adult and in a mature relationship is being able to talk about these things with each other and make decisions, or at least have some sort of plan or expectations for the future of your relationship.

[Deleted User]

Ditto what @labro said.

Also, I know it's easy to become anxious when you really want to get married and you know your SO does too but just try your best to be comfortable and happy in the fact that you yourself know that you have an awesome relationship with your SO that will hopefully lead to marriage one day.

Again, try having a discussion with him to see where his timeline is at and how his feelings are towards when he would like to get married. 

bethsmiles

I've been with BF for almost 7 years now. We have managed to wait so long without getting anxious by having open, honest communication with him. Hinting around and trying to guess what the other person is thinking never works. It's recipe for disaster. Want to know if he's thinking marriage? Ask. What to know what he's thinking for a timeline? Ask. 

untouchablets

6 years with my BF and not living together, I agree with the rest. BF has no need to guess how I feel because I tell him everything. He knows I want to get engaged soon, he knows I wish we had been living together for years, but I also know that he wants all of that too but ALSO he is working hard to finish his education and get a job in his field, and wants to meet those goals before we do any of that. So it's all about mutual understanding and also maturity. I know I can't have what I want when I want it because there are more important things going on right now and I understand that. Maybe your BF has other things he wants to do first, like paying off his student loans or getting a big promotion. You never know unless you ask!

speakeasy14

Welcome to NEY!

I agree with @labro, you need to sit with your significant other and talk.  Just make sure you're on the same page, and have the same goals. You should both be able to comfortably talk about the future with each other.  

As for personal situation: My boyfriend and I are the type to take everything one day at a time.  We've talked about the future, and agree one day we'll get married, we just do not care when that happens. But we are on the same page with that thought process.  

jenjen047

Agree with everything PP have said. There is nothing wrong with having an open, honest conversation with your SO. However, I would stay away from an ultimatum (ie propose by X day or it's over).

BF and I have been together since June of last year and I am expecting a proposal some time this summer, though I also know that life happens and if he has to postpone it for some reason, we will have another conversation and establish a new timeline that works for us. I don't feel anxious about it at all, unless you count excitement and occasional impatience!

phira

You mention not knowing if your partner feels the same way you do, and worrying about whether or not your partner wants the same things. How explicitly have you talked about your future together? Hints are just hints.

Definitely have a conversation about it. Neutral questions are always good. "What sort of timeline do you have in mind for our future together?" or, "When do you see us getting married?"

Basically, you won't know whether or not you're on the same page (or close to the same page) if you don't have an open and clear conversation about it. Hinting isn't sufficient.

If your SO doesn't have any idea of their timeline, you can always revisit the subject later. In the meantime, try not to think about WHEN WHEN WHEN. Enjoy your relationship in the moment, as it is. Focus on what else is going on in your life.

knockonwood5127

I also agree with PP's. Having a serious conversation is definitely helpful to make sure that both of you want the same things and roughly around the same time. Narrowing down from a 10 year window to maybe 1 or 2 can help you to not go so crazy. 

Although, now I am at the other end of the crazy, since BF and I talked about it happening before our beach trip in early August I'm freaking out about it all the time! He keeps bringing it up (I think just to confuse me so that I don't suspect anything) but it's really making me crazy!

I'm right there with you about "if he feels the same way, it would've already happened or should happen soon!" Now that we've talked about it, we both know it's coming and we've both said many times that we want to get married and can't wait to be married. Now I'm just waiting for whenever he decides to ask me!

jenjen047

@knockonwood5127 I would suggest having a talk with BF and asking him not to bring it up so much. My BF was the same - making sneaky comments and jokes all the time. He thought it was funny but I explained it just made me focus on it too much and basically get obsessive. Since we had that conversation I have calmed down SO MUCH and am not spending every waking second thinking about rings, proposals, and weddings.

Knottie1428941486

Thanks for all of your replies. I forgot to mention that my partner is female, but we have discussed it and she said she'd like to be the one to propose...

I guess we have discussed marriage more specifically in the sense that we've both said we both want to get married 100%, both said probably after we've been together for two years and lived together for a year or so...but now that our two year anniversary is coming up in a year, I'm starting to stress about it. I know that she doesn't have that much in the way of savings at the moment, as we just moved house, so that's another factor...and we've discussed buying a house in a couple of years and have a joint account for saving, etc. I feel like I am comfortable knowing that she wants a future with me, but it's the timescale. I think she is thinking it'll happen in the next year or so, whereas I'm more impatient and every month seems like forever, all of a sudden. I probably need to stop putting so much emphasis on it and being so impatient, because I'm starting to have the mentality that if she doesn't propose by August or so, then something must be wrong and she isn't as happy as I am, and then I end up feeling more insecure and feeling like I want more than her. It sounds like I just need to chill out a bit and enjoy the actual relationship. I keep telling myself that it makes no difference whether I wait 3 months or 12 months...

I think she may also not be 100% sure that I'm even ready for it, and I'm not sure how to hint this. We've both said it's on the cards soon...but I don't feel like it's possible for me to just say "you know what, I'm ready for you to propose in the next month!".

bethsmiles

First, sorry for making the assumption that your partner is male!

Second, I really think you need to have a more concrete discussion with her than just yes, marriage is in the cards for the future. Be honest with her about your feelings. Tell her that you are feeling stressed and anxious and you really want to make sure you are both on the same page so neither ends up disappointed or hurt.

[Deleted User]

TwoDimes said:

I second @bethsmiles. I apologize for assuming that your partner is male. My advice still stands, the only thing I'd change are the pronouns.

Ditto! 

jenjen047

agreed, sorry for assuming male. but it sounds like you guys established a rough timeline that had you moving in at the 1 year mark and a proposal a year after that. you said you already live together, so did you guys decide to move up your timeline? if so then she may be thinking a proposal could happen sooner as well. either way i think its totally appropriate to have a rational conversation and let her know where you're at. but you have to accept it if she is still thinking a proposal is a year away.

FWIW, when BF and i first disucssed engagement (around jan/feb) we both agreed it would be by the end of the year. we moved in together in march and since then we have both said that we feel comfortable doing it sooner. timelines can change (shorter or longer) as the relationship changes.

the bottom line is to communicate your feelings with your partner, let her communicate her feelings, and come to a resolution that works for both of you. also, dont let a proposal be the indication of her feelings. if she is committed to a life with you (which it definitely sounds like she is), then she loves you! dont rush a proposal because you feel like thats the only thing that will make you sure that she loves you and is happy.

Knottie1428941486

Thanks. I guess it's true that a proposal isn't the only indication of her feelings for me. I think I have become a bit too obsessed. She actually "proposed" a couple of months into our relationship and it was an impulsive decision (more or less) and we agreed that we should do it when our relationship is more stable and secure. I think it's because of this that now I think her feelings are not the same, if she's not proposing...but maybe she just wants to be extra sure I'll say yes and it's not too soon again, I don't know. We said we'll move in after a year and then maybe get engaged a year after that...but we ended up moving in together after 4 months or so (and we moved to another house a couple of months ago) and have been together for just under 2 years.

Knottie1428941486

I think there are also some cultural differences, as she's not from the UK, and says that in her country, people propose a month or two before getting married and save up for the wedding before even proposing...I only found out that she thinks this is the norm for everyone, a couple of days ago! For me, a 6 -18 month engagement would be ideal, to save up for the wedding, organise things, etc.

Dignity100

Reading through this post reminded me of this:



I know you already know and understand you're in a relationship - but don't forget to focus on having fun and growing the relationship.  All relationships take their time to evolve, some relationships are fast paced, some fizzle out after years of dating when goals have changed, some just take longer than others to get to a level of commitment that both parties are happy with (even if that does not include a marriage), just don't forget to enjoy that journey.

It sounds like you two have a bit of talking to do to figure out timelines, especially if you wanted to have the traditional wedding that takes months to plan.

jenjen047

Knottie1428941486 said:

Thanks. I guess it's true that a proposal isn't the only indication of her feelings for me. I think I have become a bit too obsessed. She actually "proposed" a couple of months into our relationship and it was an impulsive decision (more or less) and we agreed that we should do it when our relationship is more stable and secure. I think it's because of this that now I think her feelings are not the same, if she's not proposing...but maybe she just wants to be extra sure I'll say yes and it's not too soon again, I don't know. We said we'll move in after a year and then maybe get engaged a year after that...but we ended up moving in together after 4 months or so (and we moved to another house a couple of months ago) and have been together for just under 2 years.

Knottie1428941486 said:

Thanks for all of your replies. I forgot to mention that my partner is female, but we have discussed it and she said she'd like to be the one to propose...

I guess we have discussed marriage more specifically in the sense that we've both said we both want to get married 100%, both said probably after we've been together for two years and lived together for a year or so...but now that our two year anniversary is coming up in a year, I'm starting to stress about it. I know that she doesn't have that much in the way of savings at the moment, as we just moved house, so that's another factor...and we've discussed buying a house in a couple of years and have a joint account for saving, etc. I feel like I am comfortable knowing that she wants a future with me, but it's the timescale. I think she is thinking it'll happen in the next year or so, whereas I'm more impatient and every month seems like forever, all of a sudden. I probably need to stop putting so much emphasis on it and being so impatient, because I'm starting to have the mentality that if she doesn't propose by August or so, then something must be wrong and she isn't as happy as I am, and then I end up feeling more insecure and feeling like I want more than her. It sounds like I just need to chill out a bit and enjoy the actual relationship. I keep telling myself that it makes no difference whether I wait 3 months or 12 months...

I think she may also not be 100% sure that I'm even ready for it, and I'm not sure how to hint this. We've both said it's on the cards soon...but I don't feel like it's possible for me to just say "you know what, I'm ready for you to propose in the next month!".

im confused...you said youve been together for just under 2 years but  then said your 2 year anniversary is coming up in a year, which makes me think youre 1 year into your 2 year timeline that was discussed earlier?

Knottie1428941486

Sorry, I meant that our 2 year anniversary is coming up in 1 month, not 1 year! We've been together for 1 year 11 months.

I know I should really enjoy the relationship right now, and I will focus on doing that, instead of stressing about the future. I know that all relationships are different and the ones that take years to develop or lead to commitments such as marriage aren't any worse than the faster-paced relationships. I think I thought that ours might be "failing" if we didn't keep up the pace, as it started off as an intense relationship, with each seeing each other every day from the beginning, moving in after a few months, etc. I take the fact that it has slowed down a bit as her feelings becoming less intense...but we did manage to discuss this yesterday (!) and she said that she just thinks a lot happened over the last two years which could've affected things, including her trying to get a new job, me being made redundant and then job-hunting and finding a new job, problems with both of our parent's health, moving house, etc...and she says that hopefully now things will settle more and we can just enjoy the relationship and let it progress and that it shouldn't take another two years, as long as we're happy....so I know I just need to chill and enjoy the moments with her. I guess I'm naturally an anxious person and I look for signs of reassurance that things are good, but this probably isn't very healthy!

Thanks again.

jenjen047

ahh ok that makes sense, thanks for clarifying. it sounds like you guys had a great conversation last night and there are legit reasons for a timeline change. now you just need to relax and enjoy your relationship for what it is.

Knottie1428941486

You're right. Thank you!