Vent with me: I hate my partner's ex

wandajune6

DH's ex-wife is a deceitful bitch and awful mother in more ways than I can count but she just reached a new low.

She spent the last year telling DS that if his grades were good, she would be taking him with her to FL for the month of July. She's not technically allowed to given the custody arrangement (she only gets him 2 weeks) but DH decided to let her since he was so excited. We're also happy because it means that we get to go on a much-delayed honeymoon.

She just announced that she's going to FL- and not bringing DS. Apparently some cousin offered to pay for their gas if he could hitch a ride with them- effectively taking DS's seat in the car. She'll be going with her wife, baby, her wife's 2 kids, and this cousin. So no Florida vacation and no time with his mom this summer. I'm also bummed because we get no time off from parenting (I understand why my parents sent us to camp!) and no honeymoon.

So tell me: why do you hate your partner's ex?

FiancB

Awww It's one thing to fuck with you, but that is so mean to fuck with the kid. 

I don't know any of my partner's exes. Probably a good thing. But my ex tried to add DH on facebook when we first started dating! Glad he lives on the other side of the country. 

novella1186

Ugh I'm so sorry. What a shitty mother to just dump her son like that. Poor kid  

I hate my H's ex because she's also a deceitful bitch. She lied about being raped (seriously, who does that?!) to get attention, and also lied about attempting suicide-- multiple times-- also to get attention. 

One example was when H first started dating me. She wanted nothing to do with him and treated him like garbage. Then she heard he was with me and suddenly needed his attention. So she sent him a huge message/sob story about how she was just now leaving the hospital after cutting her wrists to try to kill herself and had to spend a mandatory week in the psych ward. A mutual friend then texted him and said, "I saw what [ex] just sent you. It's not true. I'm with her right now. She definitely hasn't been in the hospital and doesn't have any marks on her wrists." 

She then tried to steal his parents' cat, facebook stalked me till I blocked her, in-person stalked me and travelled several hours to find me at someone else's party, then sent H a long rambling hate-filled message in which she accused him of being a terrible person and scolded him for caring about me. 

Luckily they didn't have kids together or any other ties keeping them connected, so he and all his close friends and sister all deleted and blocked her from facebook. She stopped texting him after he finally told her to fuck off. Fingers crossed, we haven't seen or heard from her since. 

VulgarGirl

Jesus fuck. What bitch faced cunt bag.

I don't have an good partner ex stories for Sophie. The few ex's I know of her's are pretty cool. And yeah know...no kids so...don't gotta deal with them really.

ShesSoCold

H and I got together when we were pretty young so no crazy exes. His first ever girlfriend is currently dating someone in our group of friends and is super flirty and just pretty gross with all the guys. Including H. So that's mildly amusing/annoying. 

Years and years ago his ex GF (right before me) tried to say one of her kids was his. Like two years after he had even spoken to her. 

I'm sorry the ex is pulling this bullshit, Wanda. That's gotta suck to see her treat him like shit and there's nothing you can do. Hugs and wine.

charcoalandblush

No great ex stories to share. DF's ex is fine, she's been perfectly polite to me and their breakup wasn't bad (she wasn't in love anymore, he was, it took him a year to get over her, but now they get along fine). My main gripe is that his friends like her better than me (as a friend in general, not for DF specifically). He has a very close-knit group of friends from freshman year of college, and she is part of that group. We see her at social gatherings maybe once or twice a year, and his friends are way more buddy-buddy with her than they are with me. Even after 3 years I still don't feel integrated into the group, it's hard to break in to a circle that has been this close for 11+ years.

Although this was pretty shitty of her - after they had been together for 2 years, she moved from their college town to the city we lived in now. At the time they had been dating long distance for 6 months. He helped her move, and 3 days later she dumped him. It's a running joke any time either of us moves (once each individually and once together since we started dating) that the one moving is going to dump the one helping.

flutteringinfl

I don't know any of FI's exes. He claims the most interesting story is that his only other long term relationship was with a woman who was a trained chef but she refused to cook anything for him ever. No one's ever stalked me on FB or anything.

That's so awful that your H's ex would do that. Her son must be devastated. I hope you and your H still get some good quality time this summer.

KatieinBkln

Ugh, I am sorry. Your poor SS! Poor you!

I don't have any ex stories to share because both of us have very few exes in the first place, plus we moved across the country from our pasts (recommended!).

cupcait927

Wow. She wins for the the worst mother ever. I'm sorry that she puts you, your H and DS through all of that crap, @wandajune6.

No particularly awful stories here. H's ex right before me HATES me for incredibly petty reasons. She's cousins/best friends with my ex-BF's ex-GF before I came along (follow that?). My ex's ex-girlfriend was convinced at the time that I was the "other woman" when we had started dating months after they broke up. So fast forward to when I started dating H, his ex-girlfriend immediately hated me because past drama with my ex and his ex, and spread nasty rumors about me around town. Rumors that got back to H and he had to have a serious conversation with her about how not okay that was. She did the whole trying to win him back thing for about a year and a half before he finally cut ties with her.

mrsdee15

ETA: I'm sorry you're dealing with that, and I feel terrible for your SS.

FI doesn't have any terribly crazy exes, but his best man has an ex who is a special brand of crazy.  They didn't break up that long ago, so all this is still going on.  I'm going to punctuate it with gifs because otherwise it'll be wayyy TL;DR.

*

*in no way am I calling you ladies bitches, but this gif was appropriate for what is about to follow.

FI's BM has always been very open about the fact that he never wants to get married or have kids.  His ex-GF (I'll just call her BSC, because she is), knew this for years, and yet she still did things like buy baby clothes while they were together (on and off for about two years).  

They had a mutual break-up for the last time because they want different things, and were on fine terms, he thought, and would still sleep together talk.   He even goes so far as to drive from CO to AZ on Valentine's Day just to take her to dinner.  She starts getting some hope again.

Then a week later they get in a huge fight.  The details are a little fuzzy, but the way he tells it, she somehow gets into his phone and reads all the messages, and decides that he was cheating on her because he had a few texts with some other girl.  She decides she is going to not only mess with his life, but his friends' lives as well.

She sees that he added a woman as a friend on the Facebook.  She messages that woman and says that BM has been telling everyone about the anal sex they had and how he hooked up with a bunch of ladies the weekend she met him (or some such).  This woman, to her credit, just told BSC she was probably thinking of someone else.  BSC kept hounding this woman saying that she didn't care, but thought this woman would want to know.  Her BSC-ness worked, that woman was scared off.

BM starts talking (just talking) to another woman.  Somehow BSC finds out this woman's phone number.  BSC pretends she is someone else, and says she (as someone else) found BSC's phone and texted this woman over and over saying how awful BM is, and all the horrible stuff he did to her.  

Here was the final straw for BM (apparently the above wasn't enough to cut off contact):  She started messing with his friends.  She did some stuff to others, mostly telling people terrible things about BM, but she had it out for FI and me.  We don't know why, we hosted her and BM several times and were nothing but nice to her.  She ended up telling someone she'd done this, so we know it was her.  I received an anonymous note from someone saying they'd slept with FI while we were together (my work address is public because it's registered with the State Bar).  It included really weird details about his old place but also was completely inaccurate as to what he was like in bed.  I didn't believe it for a second, so I was just like 

But the weird thing was that it was mailed from our city, so that was puzzling.  BM said immediately when FI called him that it was probably BSC who did it, but then he found out she had been in Chicago (not our city), so it couldn't have been her.  A few hours later he called back and said she lied to her roommate and friends, and was actually in our city that weekend.  That's when I guess she told someone she'd mailed the letter and they told BM.

We are legitimately a little worried for BM's safety, but since that he has changed his locks and cut off all ties with her.  Off the charts, that one.

sarahufl

That really sucks, on all accounts. I am sorry she is doing that.

So grateful H's exes are out of the picture- he was never married (engaged once, but they broke up) and no kids, so it makes things a lot easier.

wandajune6

scribe95 said:

Yeah, my husband's ex pretty much abandoned her daughter. She shows up every six or eight months wanting to see her and not understanding why her daughter hates her. 

Also, we have an inkling that she stole daughter's identity and opened credit cards. Waiting for credit report back. If they were opened in the state where mom moved to then we pretty much have her and will get the police involved. 

She did this once before when we didn't have custody and we didn't find out until it was in collections and police couldn't prove it. 

You're actually kinda lucky....

DSS thinks that his mom is amazing. She might not be able to keep a job or take care of herself (or him) but she buys promises him the world. She doesn't pay child support or her half of education fees - something that caused huge problems when DH was unemployed that DSS couldn't help but be aware of. She also doesn't follow through on any commitment- but when they're together, it's endless movies, shopping, and junk food dinners.

It's hard to watch because he genuinely expects her to keep her promises. When she doesn't show up to school meetings or events, he blames us. He calls her to complain when he doesn't like a punishment or chore because he knows that she'll yell at us. But when something like this comes up, he's shocked and horribly hurt. DH and I tried to gently lower his expectations but this is worse than anything we imagined - we assumed she'd flake on the trip, not on taking him. We found out last night and the kid was in tears.

ETA: I should have finished the thought. Hating her dad is awful, but at least she is prepared for it.

NowIAmSyp

Ugh, I'm sorry Wanda- that's terrible!

FI works with his ex- every day.  He works in a small office, for a family owned business.  She is the owner's daughter.  It took some getting used to, but they dated when they were 18-20 (over a decade ago now), and they've been just friends/co-workers for the last 10 years.  

I'm surprisingly comfortable with it  

thespeshulestsnowflake

@Mrsdee15 That story was crazy, but the gifs were awesome!

decembergrl2014

H's ex, the "mother" of his 3 kids? One word: cunt!

afox007

Well the term homeless junkie comes to mind

If it weren't for FSS I couldn't care less about the woman, but unfortunately I have to see how her actions and decisions affect him. She constantly disappears on him for months on end and usually when she does resurface it's to hit FI and I up for money because we OWE her. Just last week FI got a call saying she decided it was time for him to give her more money.  More often than not when she does make plans with FSS to hang out she bails. So he continues to be let down.

While I wish he didn't have to deal with the disappointment I am not too upset that she flakes. We finally set the rule that he doesn't get to see her by himself anymore. She can't take care of herself much less him. For awhile we would let them spend the day together, but by the time he came home was hungry, dirty, and tired. Yet he still thinks she's the greatest because she has painted this happy picture about how being homeless is freeing and an adventure and a bunch of other crap. 

The last straw was the one night we allowed him to spend the night with her at a mutual friends house and thanks to me getting a weird feeling retrieved him while they were dumpster diving at 1 in the morning. Even then he hated me for weeks for taking him from his time with his mom because she had him convinced I was the problem with her life. If I was more open to giving her money, and if I didn't spend so much on myself, she would be fine and could have him full time. 

He has come around a lot and recently asked us if we could look into me adopting him after the wedding. Now that he is a little older he is starting to see the situation for what it is.

louxnoelle

Reading this thread has actually helped me put FI's ex-wife into perspective; she is a very good mother (as much as a single mom can be - I really believe she does her best), so on the "mother to the kids front," she's fine. Her relationship with FI? Or with me? Not so much.

I should start by saying that I come from a very volatile and psychologically damaging stepparent situation, so I was/am determined to do what is in the best interest for the kids. This includes respecting their mother and her wishes, and being as understanding as I can.

That. Being. Said.

She graduated from an Ivy League school with a Masters in child development, so she is the omnipotent guru of all things having to do with children and their upbringing ... Fine. What I cannot and will not respect nor understand, is that with all of this knowledge, she refuses to meet me.

Apparently nothing in her schooling involved actually meeting / getting to know / checking out a new stepparent, just making snarky judgments from afar.

When FI leaves her after dropping the kids off, he is in tears because she rails against him for all the things he is doing to traumatized and damage his children. Anything that the kids are going through, is his and/or the divorce's fault. No thought is given to any other factors in their lives, it's all a direct result of his terrible parenting and disregard for his kids.

I won't go into examples because there are so many and they make me so angry, but FI loves his kids more than words can express, and at first I tried to abide by her every decree, but more and more it has just turned into ways for her to feel like she has some kind of control, while belittling and hurting him in the process.

TL;DR - Ex has a Masters in child development, and constantly uses it to make FI feel like he is ruining his children, all the while refusing to actually get to know the situation enough to have any basis on which to evaluate it.

badbnagdway

H's ex-gf was a little nutty, called him, texted him, did some light stalking (like showing up to his condo at random). But I am lucky that he kept that all away from me and after finding her waiting for him at his house one too many times, he told her, chicka, I'm going to call the cops next time. It was easy in our situation because they did not have kids together. 

I'm sorry for the OP and others who can't be rid of their SO's exes so easily. My step-mother had a rotten step-mother, and frankly, my step-mother turned into a rotten step-mother (which she told me one time she promised herself she never would be). I don't envy those who are stepparents, it's not an easy road. 

doeydo

I have not met A's exes, but they're all jerks, from what I have been told.  They took advantage of her kindness and walked all over her, cheated, and were abusive.  I feel horrible that she had to go through all of that and will probably always have a hatred for them for doing that to her and treating her that way.

jenajjthr

Ex-H rarely calls the kids, only lives 2 hours away, but doesn't have them up for weekends (I'll meet halfway) or school breaks because he can't afford it, took family pictures but then took extra's of just him the new wife, step daughter, and new baby, and left his 3 kids out of the picture, let's his new wife call me a cunt in front our kids, and so on. 

His new wife is the main instigator...she doesn't like me and hasn't since high school when she thought I stole him from her. This was over 20 years ago and I don't think she has grown up since, but then again neither has he. Pretty sure they are meant for each other. 

dolewhipper

My Ex-Fi used to freak me out. I feel like he would purposefully try and be at events he knew I would be at to try and "run into" me. Mutual friends later told me it took him a good long while to get over our relationship (I had ended it).

Last time we saw each other was a good 3 years ago at a concert on my birthday. Thankfully H was with me so he didn't venture over.

climbingsingle

Wanda, that is really shitty of her. I'm so sorry. 

My H's ex is a jealous, crazy bitch. My H stayed very close friends with her twin sister, so we ended up inviting the ex to our wedding as well. She went around telling people she was my H's ex-wife (they were never even engaged) and then kept asking my relatives who paid for our wedding. Classy broad! She did some other strange shit when H and I first started dating too.

Thankfully there's no reason for my H to keep in touch with her at all, so neither of us have spoken to her since the wedding. 

hellosweetie1015

I haven't met any of FI's exes, and I try very hard to be generally the person who assumes the best of everyone until they give me reason to believe otherwise.

But FI's relationship with his ex-FI, his last truly serious relationship before me, did a number on him. He's told me she was BSC, and that she threw a hairdryer at him once, and that they constantly had screaming matches. I suspect that's colored somewhat with the death throes of their relationship, though; she got pregnant, and FI was over-the-moon happy about it, but she miscarried, and I don't think either of them were prepared for it - because, God, who is? - and neither of them were in a place where they could handle it, and it tore them apart. 

We were together a year, with standing date nights and with me staying at his house nearly every night, before he really even used the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend". During that year, he opened discussions on marriage and our future family, and made half-jokes about "when we're married", and made plans around our future, instead of just his. But he refused to say we were actually a couple, I think because every girl he'd been with since had tried to force the Boyfriend label on him and he wasn't in a place to be a Boyfriend, even if he was in a place to be a boyfriend.

He didn't want a label, and I didn't need it to validate our relationship, so when I mentioned him off-hand, I just called him my "not-boyfriend". He found it hilarious when he found out - he came into my work one day and one of my coworkers said, "So you're the not-boyfriend." He laughed, said, "I guess so," and went right on.

loveislouder

H doesn't have any exes, thank goodness.

But my ex has this new girlfriend who is BSC. She throws shit at him, calls him names and when he told her he was leaving she magically became pregnant. #awesome

anjemon

H has a couple of exes who are a little crazy, but thankfully we don't have to deal with either of them. One I think was fairly BSC and she was the reason we moved so slowly in the beginning, he wasn't ready for a girlfriend because his last one was so bad. She has contacted him a few times, but he always feels really awkward about it. I assume it's because she realizes how awesome he is, but I have no proof of that.

I don't talk to any of my exes. So we're both pretty luck that we don't have to really deal with either of each other's.

flbride2015

louxnoelle said:

Reading this thread has actually helped me put FI's ex-wife into perspective; she is a very good mother (as much as a single mom can be - I really believe she does her best), so on the "mother to the kids front," she's fine. Her relationship with FI? Or with me? Not so much.

I should start by saying that I come from a very volatile and psychologically damaging stepparent situation, so I was/am determined to do what is in the best interest for the kids. This includes respecting their mother and her wishes, and being as understanding as I can.

That. Being. Said.

She graduated from an Ivy League school with a Masters in child development, so she is the omnipotent guru of all things having to do with children and their upbringing ... Fine. What I cannot and will not respect nor understand, is that with all of this knowledge, she refuses to meet me.

Apparently nothing in her schooling involved actually meeting / getting to know / checking out a new stepparent, just making snarky judgments from afar.

When FI leaves her after dropping the kids off, he is in tears because she rails against him for all the things he is doing to traumatized and damage his children. Anything that the kids are going through, is his and/or the divorce's fault. No thought is given to any other factors in their lives, it's all a direct result of his terrible parenting and disregard for his kids.

I won't go into examples because there are so many and they make me so angry, but FI loves his kids more than words can express, and at first I tried to abide by her every decree, but more and more it has just turned into ways for her to feel like she has some kind of control, while belittling and hurting him in the process.

TL;DR - Ex has a Masters in child development, and constantly uses it to make FI feel like he is ruining his children, all the while refusing to actually get to know the situation enough to have any basis on which to evaluate it.

I'm confused as to the bolded? Is there a different standard of good parenting for single versus married moms?

ShesSoCold

flbride2015 said:

louxnoelle said:

Reading this thread has actually helped me put FI's ex-wife into perspective; she is a very good mother (as much as a single mom can be - I really believe she does her best), so on the "mother to the kids front," she's fine. Her relationship with FI? Or with me? Not so much.

I should start by saying that I come from a very volatile and psychologically damaging stepparent situation, so I was/am determined to do what is in the best interest for the kids. This includes respecting their mother and her wishes, and being as understanding as I can.

That. Being. Said.

She graduated from an Ivy League school with a Masters in child development, so she is the omnipotent guru of all things having to do with children and their upbringing ... Fine. What I cannot and will not respect nor understand, is that with all of this knowledge, she refuses to meet me.

Apparently nothing in her schooling involved actually meeting / getting to know / checking out a new stepparent, just making snarky judgments from afar.

When FI leaves her after dropping the kids off, he is in tears because she rails against him for all the things he is doing to traumatized and damage his children. Anything that the kids are going through, is his and/or the divorce's fault. No thought is given to any other factors in their lives, it's all a direct result of his terrible parenting and disregard for his kids.

I won't go into examples because there are so many and they make me so angry, but FI loves his kids more than words can express, and at first I tried to abide by her every decree, but more and more it has just turned into ways for her to feel like she has some kind of control, while belittling and hurting him in the process.

TL;DR - Ex has a Masters in child development, and constantly uses it to make FI feel like he is ruining his children, all the while refusing to actually get to know the situation enough to have any basis on which to evaluate it.

I'm confused as to the bolded? Is there a different standard of good parenting for single versus married moms?

Ya know, I've been thinking that too. That rubbed me the wrong way but I didn't want to be nit picky. 

@louxnoelle, are you implying that single parents can't be great parents?

louxnoelle

ShesSoCold said:

flbride2015 said:

louxnoelle said:

Reading this thread has actually helped me put FI's ex-wife into perspective; she is a very good mother (as much as a single mom can be - I really believe she does her best), so on the "mother to the kids front," she's fine. Her relationship with FI? Or with me? Not so much.

I should start by saying that I come from a very volatile and psychologically damaging stepparent situation, so I was/am determined to do what is in the best interest for the kids. This includes respecting their mother and her wishes, and being as understanding as I can.

That. Being. Said.

She graduated from an Ivy League school with a Masters in child development, so she is the omnipotent guru of all things having to do with children and their upbringing ... Fine. What I cannot and will not respect nor understand, is that with all of this knowledge, she refuses to meet me.

Apparently nothing in her schooling involved actually meeting / getting to know / checking out a new stepparent, just making snarky judgments from afar.

When FI leaves her after dropping the kids off, he is in tears because she rails against him for all the things he is doing to traumatized and damage his children. Anything that the kids are going through, is his and/or the divorce's fault. No thought is given to any other factors in their lives, it's all a direct result of his terrible parenting and disregard for his kids.

I won't go into examples because there are so many and they make me so angry, but FI loves his kids more than words can express, and at first I tried to abide by her every decree, but more and more it has just turned into ways for her to feel like she has some kind of control, while belittling and hurting him in the process.

TL;DR - Ex has a Masters in child development, and constantly uses it to make FI feel like he is ruining his children, all the while refusing to actually get to know the situation enough to have any basis on which to evaluate it.

I'm confused as to the bolded? Is there a different standard of good parenting for single versus married moms?

Ya know, I've been thinking that too. That rubbed me the wrong way but I didn't want to be nit picky. 

@louxnoelle, are you implying that single parents can't be great parents?

Whoops, sorry about that HORRIBLE choice of wording - that's absolutely not what I'm implying. Sincere apologies, that reads terribly.

I meant to emphasize that I'm aware of the struggles she faces as a single mom, and that she's doing the best she can with them; certainly didn't mean to imply, "She's doing her best, y'now, for a single mom," which is absolutely how to reads, now that I revisit it.

Apologies to any single moms out there! Arrogant phrasing on my part.

flbride2015

louxnoelle said:

ShesSoCold said:

flbride2015 said:

louxnoelle said:

Reading this thread has actually helped me put FI's ex-wife into perspective; she is a very good mother (as much as a single mom can be - I really believe she does her best), so on the "mother to the kids front," she's fine. Her relationship with FI? Or with me? Not so much.

I should start by saying that I come from a very volatile and psychologically damaging stepparent situation, so I was/am determined to do what is in the best interest for the kids. This includes respecting their mother and her wishes, and being as understanding as I can.

That. Being. Said.

She graduated from an Ivy League school with a Masters in child development, so she is the omnipotent guru of all things having to do with children and their upbringing ... Fine. What I cannot and will not respect nor understand, is that with all of this knowledge, she refuses to meet me.

Apparently nothing in her schooling involved actually meeting / getting to know / checking out a new stepparent, just making snarky judgments from afar.

When FI leaves her after dropping the kids off, he is in tears because she rails against him for all the things he is doing to traumatized and damage his children. Anything that the kids are going through, is his and/or the divorce's fault. No thought is given to any other factors in their lives, it's all a direct result of his terrible parenting and disregard for his kids.

I won't go into examples because there are so many and they make me so angry, but FI loves his kids more than words can express, and at first I tried to abide by her every decree, but more and more it has just turned into ways for her to feel like she has some kind of control, while belittling and hurting him in the process.

TL;DR - Ex has a Masters in child development, and constantly uses it to make FI feel like he is ruining his children, all the while refusing to actually get to know the situation enough to have any basis on which to evaluate it.

I'm confused as to the bolded? Is there a different standard of good parenting for single versus married moms?

Ya know, I've been thinking that too. That rubbed me the wrong way but I didn't want to be nit picky. 

@louxnoelle, are you implying that single parents can't be great parents?

Whoops, sorry about that HORRIBLE choice of wording - that's absolutely not what I'm implying. Sincere apologies, that reads terribly.

I meant to emphasize that I'm aware of the struggles she faces as a single mom, and that she's doing the best she can with them; certainly didn't mean to imply, "She's doing her best, y'now, for a single mom," which is absolutely how to reads, now that I revisit it.

Apologies to any single moms out there! Arrogant phrasing on my part.

Lol. Totally ok. I figured/hoped that's what you originally meant.

 

 

kvruns

soontobesyp said:

Ugh, I'm sorry Wanda- that's terrible!

FI works with his ex- every day.  He works in a small office, for a family owned business.  She is the owner's daughter.  It took some getting used to, but they dated when they were 18-20 (over a decade ago now), and they've been just friends/co-workers for the last 10 years.  

I'm surprisingly comfortable with it  

Mine works with his ex too. He had originally said they didn't have interaction anymore but as our relationship progressed I learned more (think he was trying not to worry me in the beginning). They see each other every day I'd guess and have interactions most days too for the job. Plus they share custody of the dog and when she has the dog is always texting comments/pix/whatever which annoys me but I've tried to move on from it all