Answering questions from people who won't be invited

becomingmcclain

Hi there!

I am starting to get questions from friends via email and Facebook mostly about wedding planning details. They are asking if we've picked a date or location yet. We have, and it's going to be a very small wedding. So far I've been able to say "planning is coming along, thanks for asking" but as the date gets closer, I'm sure they will expect more details. 

I've been very cautions not to bring the wedding up or talk in detail about it with friends who we have decided not to invite. 

Can you give me some pointers on how to address or deflect these questions, especially if they start to come in person? Thanks!

SP29

Some people genuinely like weddings and wedding details but know they will never be invited.... but of course there are other people who assume...

I think what you've been doing so far is good.

You can mention things like you're having a small wedding, or you couldn't invite everyone you would have liked. 

[Deleted User]

becomingmcclain said:

Hi there!

I am starting to get questions from friends via email and Facebook mostly about wedding planning details. They are asking if we've picked a date or location yet. We have, and it's going to be a very small wedding. So far I've been able to say "planning is coming along, thanks for asking" but as the date gets closer, I'm sure they will expect more details. 

I've been very cautions not to bring the wedding up or talk in detail about it with friends who we have decided not to invite. 

Can you give me some pointers on how to address or deflect these questions, especially if they start to come in person? Thanks!

I would keep doing what you're doing.  If people get pushy, tell them you're overloaded on wedding talk and planning and would rather talk about something else.

thisismynickname2

Just answer the question and then bean dip.

---"So did you choose a cake?" "Yes! It's chocolate too, which I love. Speaking of, did you try Nancy's fudge at the last potluck?"

---"Are you stressed?" "Nope! Planning has been going well. But let me tell you about that deadline Boss Lady has on that document... Whew! Gotta go!"

---"Is it a big wedding?" "We have a lot of extended family to invite, so I'm glad I'm even able to squeeze my best friends onto the list! It should be a pretty intimate event. My family's nuts, did I tell you this story about my nephew last week...?"

EDIT: Sorry for my reading comprehension. These are your friends? That's when you have to admit that yes, you chose a date and location. Ask how their job / schoolwork / family is. A different kind of bean dip. 

blabla89

Honestly, I think that is the best you can do. You can answer the date and location vaguely (We're thinking the beginning of May, probably somewhere here in Georgia) and just give a generic "the planning is going well, thanks for asking!" whenever someone asks about it. It's also fine to mention that you're having a very small wedding, although there are some people who just won't take the hint.

And then bean dip (or spinach and artichoke, hummus, guacamole...whatever you like ). Turn it back to the other person ("By the way, congratulations on XYZ!" "So how was your vacation?" "Is little Billy playing tee-ball this year?" "I love your outfit!")

Jen4948

I think you're right to answer vaguely and then to change the subject.  I'd keep doing that unless people make comments that indicate that they're not just hinting that they'd like you to invite them, but expressly telling you to do so, in which case you can respond, "I'm sorry, but it isn't possible for FI and I to invite everyone we'd like."

[Deleted User]

If people ask about details, I generally tell them without going into too much detail.  You don't want to brush them off completely because some people might consider that rude.   I did mention that we were having something small, that way people got the idea. 

becomingmcclain

Thanks guys. These are mostly friends asking so far. I think I have a few more months before I have to worry about this. Appreciate the ideas so far!

novella1186

I would slip into the conversation that your wedding will be small. That might kill some of the expectation/assumption that they'll be invited. 

Them: "Have you picked a venue?"

You: "Yes! It's a cute little place, since we're having a very small wedding. How's school going?" 

theartistformerlyknownas

novella1186 said:

I would slip into the conversation that your wedding will be small. That might kill some of the expectation/assumption that they'll be invited. 

Them: "Have you picked a venue?"

You: "Yes! It's a cute little place, since we're having a very small wedding. How's school going?" 

I would do this too. Being super vague and changing the subject won't do much to stop the questions, so they likely WILL get more specific and you'll have to be more blunt in saying "yeahhh you're not invited though." I don't think there's anything wrong with hinting that they won't be invited before it gets to that point.

Have you picked a date yet?
We did, the eleventeenth of Octember! We're only inviting a handful of people so once we checked with all of them that they were free, we were good to go! 

Have you found a venue?

Yes! Having such a small guest list made it easy to pick this adorable little chapel, I can't wait for them to see it.

becomingmcclain

lolo883 said:

novella1186 said:

I would slip into the conversation that your wedding will be small. That might kill some of the expectation/assumption that they'll be invited. 

Them: "Have you picked a venue?"

You: "Yes! It's a cute little place, since we're having a very small wedding. How's school going?" 

I would do this too. Being super vague and changing the subject won't do much to stop the questions, so they likely WILL get more specific and you'll have to be more blunt in saying "yeahhh you're not invited though." I don't think there's anything wrong with hinting that they won't be invited before it gets to that point.

Have you picked a date yet?
We did, the eleventeenth of Octember! We're only inviting a handful of people so once we checked with all of them that they were free, we were good to go! 

Have you found a venue?

Yes! Having such a small guest list made it easy to pick this adorable little chapel, I can't wait for them to see it.

Neither our church or our venue is small, per say. The venue can hold up to 125, we are inviting roughly 90 and hope that 75 are able to come. I consider that small as I initially wanted 150+. Thanks for the continuing ideas!

theartistformerlyknownas

becomingmcclain said:

lolo883 said:

novella1186 said:

I would slip into the conversation that your wedding will be small. That might kill some of the expectation/assumption that they'll be invited. 

Them: "Have you picked a venue?"

You: "Yes! It's a cute little place, since we're having a very small wedding. How's school going?" 

I would do this too. Being super vague and changing the subject won't do much to stop the questions, so they likely WILL get more specific and you'll have to be more blunt in saying "yeahhh you're not invited though." I don't think there's anything wrong with hinting that they won't be invited before it gets to that point.

Have you picked a date yet?
We did, the eleventeenth of Octember! We're only inviting a handful of people so once we checked with all of them that they were free, we were good to go! 

Have you found a venue?

Yes! Having such a small guest list made it easy to pick this adorable little chapel, I can't wait for them to see it.

Neither our church or our venue is small, per say. The venue can hold up to 125, we are inviting roughly 90 and hope that 75 are able to come. I consider that small as I initially wanted 150+. Thanks for the continuing ideas!

Still, you're not obligated to share the specifics with people. You can still get the point across that you're planning a small wedding.

becomingmcclain

Very true, lolo. They don't need to know the number. I could say "it's very intimate" because I felt like having 200 of my closest friends there.

XrebeccaX

We had a DW and decided on inviting just family. It was the only thing that made sense in terms of keeping it small/not hurting feelings (by inviting one friend and not another, etc). At first I started telling people "we're having a DW so we're keeping it small" but one friend in particular got REAL specific about telling us she would come, she'd be happy to make the trip, etc and finally I had to say "we're just keeping it to family, pretty much immediate family." There were some hard feelings but, it is what it is. 

I think you are handling it the best you can and the suggestions by PPs are good! "We weren't able to invite as many as we would have liked" is a one-size-fits-all kind of response in these situations!