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Inviting a Guest My Father Hates?

A few weeks ago, my mother and I were talking and she said, "Have you talked to your godfather about coming yet?"
And the answer to that is yes. And no. He knows I'm getting married, but the issue of him coming hasn't been discussed yet. Here's why:
He and my father had a fight back when I was still an infant (the details are still unknown to me), and as a result, I was actually forbidden to see my godfather until I was in my twenties. Since then, he's been involved in my life to a moderate degree (I live ten hours away so we can't see each other often), and was excited when I introduced him to my fiancé.
At this point, I'm not sure how to approach the situation, both according to etiquette and in a way that won't send my father on a rampage. It took a decent amount of persuading to get him to agree to come with the knowledge that my mother will be there, too (they had a rough divorce and he doesn't get along with her, either).
Any suggestions? I would like my godfather to come if he can, but I don't want my father to freak out about just the idea that I would invite someone else he doesn't like. He's the kind of guy who would (and has) threatened not to come because Person X is on the guest list.
I would appreciate any insight.

Re: Inviting a Guest My Father Hates?

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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Does he ever actually follow through on his threats?

    And more importantly, is he paying for your wedding?  If not, he doesn't get a say.  If he is, I'd consider turning down any money he's providing and paying for it all yourself if you want to invite your godfather.  Beyond that, I'd invite both men, have security on hand, and expect everyone to act like mature adults.

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    To add to Jen's post, if he's not paying, you don't have to tell him who is on the guest list.
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    He is paying for the catering (and actively catering), but we or other parties are paying for everything else.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    ferricfox said:

    He is paying for the catering (and actively catering), but we or other parties are paying for everything else.

    I think that if you really want to invite your godfather, you'd better plan to pay for independent caterers.  If your dad is going to threaten to not attend, he'll also threaten to withhold the catering.  While you can't force your dad to attend, it's the one step you can take to make sure he doesn't make more of a jerk of himself.
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    Any ideas on how to open up the conversation with my dad? I mean, there's a chance he can be persuaded to tone down on the grudge for just that day, but I'm not sure how best to start the convo.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    ferricfox said:

    Any ideas on how to open up the conversation with my dad? I mean, there's a chance he can be persuaded to tone down on the grudge for just that day, but I'm not sure how best to start the convo.

    Well, I guess I'd start with "Dad, I understand that you don't like Godfather, but he has always been an important person in my life.  It would mean a lot to me to have him there, just like it means a lot to me to have you and other important people in my life there.  I'd really appreciate it if, in spite of what happened in the past, I could invite the people who have meant so much to me throughout my life without having to worry about things that happened in the past."
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    RezIpsaRezIpsa member
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    No way to answer this without knowing what they fought about. "You molested me at summer camp when we were kids"= no invite for the godfather. "You like the Cubs"= a conversation with dad explaining that you understand and respect his feelings, and hope that he returns that respect by attending and not starting trouble with godfather. I need more context.
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    RezIpsa said:

    No way to answer this without knowing what they fought about. "You molested me at summer camp when we were kids"= no invite for the godfather. "You like the Cubs"= a conversation with dad explaining that you understand and respect his feelings, and hope that he returns that respect by attending and not starting trouble with godfather. I need more context.

    You're just fishing for gossip. The question is not if she should invite him, it's how to break the news to her dad.
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    Jen4948 said:

    Any ideas on how to open up the conversation with my dad? I mean, there's a chance he can be persuaded to tone down on the grudge for just that day, but I'm not sure how best to start the convo.
    Well, I guess I'd start with "Dad, I understand that you don't like Godfather, but he has always been an important person in my life.  It would mean a lot to me to have him there, just like it means a lot to me to have you and other important people in my life there.  I'd really appreciate it if, in spite of what happened in the past, I could invite the people who have meant so much to me throughout my life without having to worry about things that happened in the past."


    This isn't true though. She didn't see this guy at all til her twenties, and only sees him from time to time now.

    OP, your dad really makes me nervous for you. What else could he freak out about and withhold your catering at the last minute?? I think the conversation may need to be more like "I understand you have strong feelings about many of the people in my life, especially tied to Mom, but I'm really hoping that you can set those feelings aside to help this one day go by successfully. It means the world to me to have you there, I can't let my relationships - including ours - be put in jeopardy over what's happened in the past. If we can't agree on this I'll need to handle the catering on my own." If he sighs and says "I know, you're right, I'll be a grown up" you can mention the godfather and grandfather coming. If he freaks out, it's time to find a new caterer.

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    I agree that you should plan on paying for catering yourself. You don't need the stress of your dad's shennanigans of possibly rescinding his offer to cover catering and then ending up with no food at your wedding. (A normal person wouldn't go that far, but even just having to worry about it would suck). 

    I would say, "I've invited Godfather, and just wanted you to know, because I know there's some tension between you two. I hope you can put that aside for my wedding day, because it means a lot to FI and I to have all the important people in our lives there." 

    Don't ask his permission to invite your Godfather. State it as a fact. Then let his tantrum blow over. If he freaks out, just say, "I hope you can respect the things that are important to me" and end the conversation there. Don't engage in a fight about it or make any excuses. Just leave him be to calm down on his own. 
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    ferricfox said:

    Any ideas on how to open up the conversation with my dad? I mean, there's a chance he can be persuaded to tone down on the grudge for just that day, but I'm not sure how best to start the convo.

    It's a similar situation to when parents of the bride had a nasty divorce.  You just have to tell them to suck it up for the day.  Dad, I know you don't like this guy, but it's important to me that he's invited to my wedding.  You don't have to talk to him, but I need you to be civil to him and around him.  I hope you can put your hard feelings aside for one day for me.
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    RezIpsaRezIpsa member
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    larrygaga said:

    RezIpsa said:

    No way to answer this without knowing what they fought about. "You molested me at summer camp when we were kids"= no invite for the godfather. "You like the Cubs"= a conversation with dad explaining that you understand and respect his feelings, and hope that he returns that respect by attending and not starting trouble with godfather. I need more context.

    You're just fishing for gossip. The question is not if she should invite him, it's how to break the news to her dad.
    I have zero interest in gossip, and don't think OP needs to post what the issue was. Maybe I wasn't clear in my point that if the reason for the bad feeling is something trivial then saying "I understand and respect your feelings about godfather. I hope you can understand and respect my feelings about him for this one day. It's important to me to have both of you there, and that the day is not interrupted by either of you behaving inappropriately" would be the way I would broach the conversation. I thought I made that clear in my comment, but I guess I did not.

    My point is that there could be a lot of very legitimate reasons for the bad feelings, and some of them would make me, if I were in OP's position, not invite godfather. If Dad has a legitimate beef with godfather, such as something that involves personal safety concerns or extremely egregious behavior like having an affair with mom [just an example, not saying they did], I don't think his objections to having godfather there are something to be ignored. So I think the first step in approaching dad about the whole thing is finding out what the problem actually is.
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    MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot member
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    edited May 2015
    You need to get him out of the catering. If he's the type who will refuse to come if so and so are invited, he's going to hold that catering over your head through the whole thing. Take the catering away from him and take away his power over you.

    Then invite whomever you want and tell dad that the guest list is not his concern. 
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    I'm actually with @RezIpsa here - I think you need to know what caused the fight before you decide how to approach your dad with the fact that you want your godfather there. We don't need to know what it was, of course - it's not our business - but I think to make a valid assessment of your dad's reaction, you will need that information.

    However, with that said, it kind of sounds like he has a little chain going of good relationships gone insanely sour. Having a bad relationship with an ex-wife alone isn't a thing, of course - lots of people don't get along with exes. But there are two people with whom he was, it seems, fairly close that have both now been put on the top of his shit list. 

    I'd find a backup for your catering, and then tell him you're inviting your godfather, and let him do as he chooses knowing that you have a backup.
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    Jen4948Jen4948 member
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    Jen4948 said:

    Any ideas on how to open up the conversation with my dad? I mean, there's a chance he can be persuaded to tone down on the grudge for just that day, but I'm not sure how best to start the convo.
    Well, I guess I'd start with "Dad, I understand that you don't like Godfather, but he has always been an important person in my life.  It would mean a lot to me to have him there, just like it means a lot to me to have you and other important people in my life there.  I'd really appreciate it if, in spite of what happened in the past, I could invite the people who have meant so much to me throughout my life without having to worry about things that happened in the past."
    This isn't true though. She didn't see this guy at all til her twenties, and only sees him from time to time now.

    OP, your dad really makes me nervous for you. What else could he freak out about and withhold your catering at the last minute?? I think the conversation may need to be more like "I understand you have strong feelings about many of the people in my life, especially tied to Mom, but I'm really hoping that you can set those feelings aside to help this one day go by successfully. It means the world to me to have you there, I can't let my relationships - including ours - be put in jeopardy over what's happened in the past. If we can't agree on this I'll need to handle the catering on my own." If he sighs and says "I know, you're right, I'll be a grown up" you can mention the godfather and grandfather coming. If he freaks out, it's time to find a new caterer.


    Even if they didn't actually see each other, the godfather apparently still remained an important person in her life, enough that she jump-started their relationship.

    But yeah, she needs to make other catering arrangements so that her father can't use it as a weapon against her if she doesn't do exactly what he wants.
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    fyrchkfyrchk member
    First Anniversary First Answer 5 Love Its First Comment

    Would your mom be able to tell you what this super-secret fight was about? If she can give you insight, then maybe you can then decide if you want to broach this with your dad. Like PP's have said if it's something heinous, you may never have to have this conversation. If it's, "He drank my last beer," well then...time to have a grown-up talk with Pops.

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    Having spoken with my mom, the original argument seems to have stemmed from a gift of a necklace when I was two. She says it was a really nice gesture, but my father didn't agree with the gift, and the fight broke out from there.
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    RezIpsaRezIpsa member
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    ferricfox said:

    Having spoken with my mom, the original argument seems to have stemmed from a gift of a necklace when I was two. She says it was a really nice gesture, but my father didn't agree with the gift, and the fight broke out from there.

    I would include that when talking to your dad. "Dad, my understanding is that the falling out was over a necklace godfather gave me when I was two. I understand you have strong feelings about this, but it is very important to me that godfather attends. Since it is not a matter of personal safety do you think you could attend and celebrate with me? It's very important to me that you are there too."

    I don't get how this whole thing could possibly be over a necklace gift, but if it is then your dad is being a giant toddler. It might help to be open to his version of what happened, which may (or may not) be quite different than your mom's.

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    ferricfox said:

    Having spoken with my mom, the original argument seems to have stemmed from a gift of a necklace when I was two. She says it was a really nice gesture, but my father didn't agree with the gift, and the fight broke out from there.

    ...what?

    Time for daddy to grow up. That's beyond ridiculous.
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    ferricfox said:

    Having spoken with my mom, the original argument seems to have stemmed from a gift of a necklace when I was two. She says it was a really nice gesture, but my father didn't agree with the gift, and the fight broke out from there.

    I would include that when talking to your dad. "Dad, my understanding is that the falling out was over a necklace godfather gave me when I was two. I understand you have strong feelings about this, but it is very important to me that godfather attends. Since it is not a matter of personal safety do you think you could attend and celebrate with me? It's very important to me that you are there too."

    I don't get how this whole thing could possibly be over a necklace gift, but if it is then your dad is being a giant toddler. It might help to be open to his version of what happened, which may (or may not) be quite different than your mom's.

    Because reasons, obviously. Important, not at all emotional reasons about dick swinging and "some other man gave my baby girl a gift I couldn't afford to try to get in my wife's pants," is my guess.

    Yeah Dad, time to get over it. Bigger things at stake here. 

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