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Etiquette

Inviting people after Save the Dates went out

Hello fellow brides!

Im sure many of you have faced the guest list issues!  Our room only hold 220 people so we only sent save the dates to fit that capacity - unfortunately my mother in law insisted her 150 guest list not be cut and because of that I had to forgo inviting my coworkers..  It has been bothering me for some time now but we are hearing a couple of people will not be attending which allows me to invite my coworkers! 

I haven't done so yet - the wedding is in August so invitations haven't gone out yet.  Do I send them a save the date?  im pretty sure they knew save the dates had to have gone out already since it is destination.  how do I handle this without them feeling like they were a second tier invite?

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Re: Inviting people after Save the Dates went out

  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2015
    You can just send them an invite. Save the dates are entirely optional and not necessary. If you were to send them an invite after invites had gone out, that would be considered a B list or 2nd tier.

    However, I wouldn't count on these people not showing. Plans change and they may be able to come then you could be faced with the issue of overbooking your room.

    ETA: You should still send an invite to those that have said they will not be attending or are unsure of their attendance. 

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    SP29[Deleted User]huskypuppy14
  • You don't have to send STDs out to EVERYONE that you are inviting to your wedding. You only need to do it for people that you need to make sure have to make special provisions to come to your wedding, i.e. out of town, children, special needs. You can invite people without sending them STDs, but you also must invite all the people that you sent STDs to. 

    Is your Mother paying for your wedding? If she is, than she has a right to make demands on your guest list, but 150 people is a little much! Can you make do without the money she is contributing?
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    ncmelillo said:

    Hello fellow brides!

    Im sure many of you have faced the guest list issues!  Our room only hold 220 people so we only sent save the dates to fit that capacity - unfortunately my mother in law insisted her 150 guest list not be cut and because of that I had to forgo inviting my coworkers..  It has been bothering me for some time now but we are hearing a couple of people will not be attending which allows me to invite my coworkers! 

    I haven't done so yet - the wedding is in August so invitations haven't gone out yet.  Do I send them a save the date?  im pretty sure they knew save the dates had to have gone out already since it is destination.  how do I handle this without them feeling like they were a second tier invite?




    Is your MIL paying for those 150 guests? Do you know these people? And want them at your wedding?

    So I don't know how to answer your question. I would say no, don't invite anyone else if it puts over your max capacity.

    And a DW for 220 people, wow.

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I agree its a little too much! mother in laws :) She provided some $ to cover half her list ...

    Unfortunately it is a destination wedding for all - so I should give them a heads up before invitations come out in Jul.  I also have to ask for their address - can I send them a link to the wedding website where the lodging info is? ahh not sure how to handle this

  • Ps thank you for your advice this helps a lot!!
  • LondonLisaLondonLisa London, UK member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You are playing with fire here. Plans change. Everyone of those 220 people you sent a save the date to needs to be send an invitation. What happens if you invite your coworkers, and then your FMIL's friends now can make it?

    You would have to find an entirely new venue because you will be at capacity. Plus, you do realise when a venue holds 220 that also includes vendors, wait staff and you two. So you really should have only invited about 205. 

    I would leave it alone and not invite any more people. Venues packed to their maximum are never comfortable!
    redoryx[Deleted User]RezIpsaVulgarGirl
  • Yes I certainly will send an invitation - but there are some like "having a baby and cant make it" elderly who wont travel .. etc I agree with you that I am probably playing with fire.  there is another room in the resort that will hold like 500 ha but it reminde me of a conference room ballroom that would require uplighting and more centerpieces etc.  I just love the charm of our current room.

    maybe im just regretting letting her own that much of the guest list :(

    KatWag - I know a lot of them but I would prefer not to have had that many people and I certainly don't know them intimately.  She is not paying for all of them.  what does DW mean?

  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'm also in the boat that if you already sent STDs to a total of 220 guests, to not send STDs to your coworkers. I also think you're at the point where a coworker invite won't happen. You won't know for sure if the baby-makers and elderly won't come until you get their RSVP card in the mail, at which point it will indeed be far too late to invite coworkers (or anyone else). 

    Also let me ask you this... Do you really want your coworkers there? Yeah, we are friends with people we work with because we're forced to be. Do you hang out with anybody outside of work? If you do, that person or people could have already been part of your 220. I just would not invite anyone to a DW (destination wedding) that you would not see regularly on a social basis. 

    The good thing about coworkers is that they're a different kind of group. Many places of employment, coworkers just throw people bridal and baby showers just out of the kindness of their hearts, and with the former, with no expectation of being invited to the actual wedding. It's because coworkers are close in a special way, but not in the same way family and chosen friends are. Hope that makes sense. 

    Point? Don't invite the coworkers under your circumstances. 
    ________________________________


    SP29[Deleted User]
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    Yeah... GENERAL circumstances? Perfectly fine to add people to your guest list after save the dates have gone out. Since you're already at capacity, I wouldn't do it. Especially not for co-workers.

    Unfortunately you can't go back at this point and put your foot down on your mom's additions. Hopefully lurkers can learn from this.

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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    STDs are never required, and even when given, not every guest is required to get one. However, EVERY guest who receives at STD must get an invitation.

    So, while you *could* still send an invitation to your co-workers, you should still send an invitation to all your guests, even the ones who said they can't make it- plans change.

    Now, 220 people at a DW, I would expect declines, BUT you never know how many or who. Playing with fire for sure, and you should have a back up plan in case every single guest attends. 

    While it is not wrong to invite to your maximum, this is why it is best to leave yourself with some wiggle room- choose a venue that fits your guest list with some space should you consider more guests at the time when invitations go out. 

    I also wonder why you didn't just invite these coworkers (if they are that important) as part of the original 220? Otherwise it comes off like a B-list. Post STDs you have discovered there are a bunch of declines, so you want to increase your guest list based on that. 
  • I invited 250 to a quasi-destination wedding.  It is 100% out of town but still stateside.  We were so stressed out about how large our guest list was and in the end, we're having 150 attend, about 60%.  I wish I had included a few more folks I cut in the early stage due to worries about size. 

    Yes, it's playing with fire a bit, but what's the likelihood that 100% of people travel to your wedding?  Things come up ... you could overinvite by 15 or 20 and be just fine. 
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    I invited 250 to a quasi-destination wedding.  It is 100% out of town but still stateside.  We were so stressed out about how large our guest list was and in the end, we're having 150 attend, about 60%.  I wish I had included a few more folks I cut in the early stage due to worries about size. 


    Yes, it's playing with fire a bit, but what's the likelihood that 100% of people travel to your wedding?  Things come up ... you could overinvite by 15 or 20 and be just fine. 
    DO NOT DO THIS.

    This is terrible, terrible, terrible advice. 
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    [Deleted User]ashley8918
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    I invited 250 to a quasi-destination wedding.  It is 100% out of town but still stateside.  We were so stressed out about how large our guest list was and in the end, we're having 150 attend, about 60%.  I wish I had included a few more folks I cut in the early stage due to worries about size. 


    Yes, it's playing with fire a bit, but what's the likelihood that 100% of people travel to your wedding?  Things come up ... you could overinvite by 15 or 20 and be just fine. 
    Absolutely FUCKING NOT. Be gone from this thread with your bad advice.

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    [Deleted User]sarawifenowashley8918huskypuppy14
  • I invited 250 to a quasi-destination wedding.  It is 100% out of town but still stateside.  We were so stressed out about how large our guest list was and in the end, we're having 150 attend, about 60%.  I wish I had included a few more folks I cut in the early stage due to worries about size. 


    Yes, it's playing with fire a bit, but what's the likelihood that 100% of people travel to your wedding?  Things come up ... you could overinvite by 15 or 20 and be just fine. 
    Don't take this advice. Always plan for 100% attendance, read through the boards for brides who over invited and got 90-100% attendance, see what has happened. You will get no sympathy on these boards when that happens.
    [Deleted User]ashley8918
  • All knowing goddesses of The Knot, what was your decline rate? 
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Just because people have had declines, even high declines, doesn't mean that it will always happen. One should plan for 100% attendance. Considering the OP is already at her venue max, if she invites 10 more people and only gets 5 declines, she's over and now screwed for space and money. 
    [Deleted User]
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    All knowing goddesses of The Knot, what was your decline rate? 

    My dad had 100% attendance at his wedding.

    But anyone else's past experience CANNOT predict the OP's future experience. Too many other factors at play. SURE, a DW is likely to have higher rates of decline but WHY take that chance? It's not worth the hassle. 

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    [Deleted User]
  • The average RSVP rate for a regular wedding is 80%, for a destination it's 60-70%.  You ladies can pull out your hometown 95% wedding RSVP reply rate, but the reality is, the OP isn't going to have 100% RSVP rate to her 220 person destination wedding.  

    If she wants to take the risk to include her coworkers, she can.  It's certainly good advice to stay conservative at the max capacity rate, but the scare tactics are overkill. 


  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    As long as you have an option to move to the larger room (and have the budget for more guests), it's ok to go over that 220, but first you need to call the venue and make sure that the other room will be available, and get it in writing. Most venues that have multiple rooms will schedule multiple events. You can't just cross your fingers and hope no one books it. This isn't something to gamble with.

    Either way, I wouldn't invite co-workers to a destination wedding, unless it was someone who was also a relative or close friend (and thus in my top 220 anyway). An invitation isn't a subpoena and yada yada, but I'd be pretty uncomfortable asking coworkers to spend that kind of time and money for my wedding. 
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    The average RSVP rate for a regular wedding is 80%, for a destination it's 60-70%.  You ladies can pull out your hometown 95% wedding RSVP reply rate, but the reality is, the OP isn't going to have 100% RSVP rate to her 220 person destination wedding.  


    If she wants to take the risk to include her coworkers, she can.  It's certainly good advice to stay conservative at the max capacity rate, but the scare tactics are overkill. 


    Who said my wedding was a hometown wedding? I certainly never said that. 

    Just because a room has a capacity of 220 people, doesn't mean that's 220 comfortably. We had space for 300 but had 170 there. I wouldn't have dreamed about trying to fit more than that in there. We had room for the kids to run around and play, people to move freely and nobody was touching butts and rubbing elbows to get around. It's not a scare tactic. There are plenty of brides that come on these boards (Hell my friend is one of them. Invited 240 to a room that fits 210 because "not everybody will attend." and she's has 232 RSVPs. Whoops.) We are trying to save her the hassle and frustration and potential embarassment. 

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  • You have made it clear in your frequent postings here that you got married in the town you live in.  And it's completely normal to have a high RSVP rate for an in town wedding - just don't use that as a scare tactic for OP.  Her wedding, her choices.  
  • The average RSVP rate for a regular wedding is 80%, for a destination it's 60-70%.  You ladies can pull out your hometown 95% wedding RSVP reply rate, but the reality is, the OP isn't going to have 100% RSVP rate to her 220 person destination wedding.  


    If she wants to take the risk to include her coworkers, she can.  It's certainly good advice to stay conservative at the max capacity rate, but the scare tactics are overkill. 


    My sister had a 98% acceptance rate including international guests to her destination wedding requiring a minimum 3 hour flight from EVERYBODY.
  • mikenbergermikenberger In a f'n cornfield member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Anniversary First Answer

    You have made it clear in your frequent postings here that you got married in the town you live in.  And it's completely normal to have a high RSVP rate for an in town wedding - just don't use that as a scare tactic for OP.  Her wedding, her choices.  

    A lurker. Cute. 

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    ashley8918
  • The average RSVP rate for a regular wedding is 80%, for a destination it's 60-70%.  You ladies can pull out your hometown 95% wedding RSVP reply rate, but the reality is, the OP isn't going to have 100% RSVP rate to her 220 person destination wedding.  


    If she wants to take the risk to include her coworkers, she can.  It's certainly good advice to stay conservative at the max capacity rate, but the scare tactics are overkill. 


    My girlfriend had a 100% RSVP rate for her DW in Cuba. My other GF had a 90% RSVP rate for a wedding 1-2 hours away for 98% of the guests. Oooo...Scary! 
  • Your girlfriend had 220 people able to secure visas to Cuba?
  • justsiejustsie member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015

    You have made it clear in your frequent postings here that you got married in the town you live in.  And it's completely normal to have a high RSVP rate for an in town wedding - just don't use that as a scare tactic for OP.  Her wedding, her choices.  

    Just because the B&G get married in the town they live in does not mean it is not a DW for everyone else in attendance. 

    ETA: The second you invite guests it is no longer just your wedding, you are now hosing an event. Please host them properly OP, your guests will thank you. 
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  • Right.  So 100% of 20 people is way different than 100% of 220 people which is what the OP is dealing with. I'm sure OP has 20 people that she's 100% sure will attend her wedding. 
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    Right.  So 100% of 20 people is way different than 100% of 220 people which is what the OP is dealing with. I'm sure OP has 20 people that she's 100% sure will attend her wedding. 

    But that's not what you asked. You asked for a decline rate. She said she had 100% acceptance 

    The fact is that nobody's decline rate -- including your own -- can predict the OP's or anyone else's. That's why you need to plan for 100% acceptance because it does happen.
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