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I thought we were drama-free... BUT...

Sorry guys, please bear with me because I just need to vent. I'm seething on my poor FI's behalf right now. Our wedding is only 10 days away and now suddenly half of his immediate family is backing out on attending the wedding. When we first met he told he he wasn't close with his family, and I'm really beginning to understand why. They are not local, and I've only met them once (despite the fact that we've been together for 4 years), but it is becoming abundantly clear to me that they are NOT the type of people who will be there for each other when it's important.

First, his mother broke her foot a couple weeks ago. Fine. Not her fault. We sent her a message saying that we would make sure accommodations were made at the venue so she could get around however she needed to (wheelchair, crutches, walker, etc). She's been sending my FI vague emails about how she probably will not be able to come because she cannot bear weight on her foot. She's an otherwise relatively healthy and fit woman who is perfectly capable of getting around with the assistance of her husband, a wheelchair, crutches, etc. It's your son's wedding, lady! Make the extra effort! But I'm pretty sure she is going to cancel, and so is FI.

Second, his sister scheduled oral surgery the week before the wedding and now will apparently not be able to come because of that. Who schedules an ELECTIVE surgery the week of her brother's wedding?!? I have a sneaky suspicion it is actually FI's mother who is behind this though, as we are sure she is paying for the procedure.

Third, he learned yesterday that his favorite aunt won't be able to come because of "health issues". This one I can forgive, because she is traveling a long distance and I know she means well. But I know that this is just adding to FI's disappointment.

So now FI only has 3 family members coming to the wedding: his brother, sister-in-law, and one uncle (we invited 10). I, on the other hand, have about 30 family coming (100% of my family accepted). I feel really, really bad.

Re: I thought we were drama-free... BUT...

  • kvrunskvruns member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    Poor guy - that would be so frustrating to have them back out so late. Especially his mom!

    how far away are these relatives?  guessing not far enough to have needed a plane ticket  thanks a lot for changing your mind after final counts have probably been given/paid.  ugh

  • It is really sad that some families don't seem to care as much about the people they should love.

    My FI's brother is getting married in July and his fiancee has been told none of her family will be in attendance. Her mother is very controlling (I've met her and can vouch for it) and does not approve of her moving and getting married (despite liking my FI's family, brother included).

    We are all trying to be as supportive as possible and remind her that it's not just his family anymore-- it's also hers. I know it's not quite the same, but it's still very true. She will have none of her siblings, uncles, aunts, parents there (her father died years ago). He, however, will have both siblings, both parents, step parents, and my FI's father and step mother (they're all half siblings) there.

    Just make sure you show him it doesn't matter what they're like-- you're his family now and all of your family is also his.





  • Poor guy. We are not inviting any of FI family at all. I've asked at least three times "are you sure" because I don't want him to regret it later. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because if he doesn't invite them, he can't be let down. :( 

    I'm sorry for all of the drama. It's hurtful when it's a time in your life that you would appreciate the support. 
  • Your wedding will still be great! This weekend my sister got married with about 25 family in attendance and only 7 for her husbands side. There were last minute (non malicious) health cancellations. The two families still mingled and they evened out the sides for the cermeony. Everyone still had a great time.

  • Aw man I'm sorry :( Poor FI. 

    H's brother cancelled at the last minute and didn't come to our wedding. It was for really shitty circumstances caused by his estranged wife, so it just sucked all around. To top it off, almost all of his friends declined too :( 

    But he had so much fun with my cousins and our WP and the friends that were there -- plus he was so busy going crazy on the dance floor-- that I honestly don't think he felt his brother's absence at all. 

    Hopefully your FI will have a great time with the people in attendance. It's too bad that his family sucks, but they can't stop you from having a great wedding! 
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  • That stinks but it will still be a wonderful day.

    You're also fortunate that you know now and can prepare. It would be much harder if they simply didn't show up (which happened with a number of people on DH's side).

    Families end up mixing well too. One of my happiest moments of the wedding was watching MIL teaching my mom, aunts, and other ladies how to salsa.


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  • It is really sad that some families don't seem to care as much about the people they should love.

    My FI's brother is getting married in July and his fiancee has been told none of her family will be in attendance. Her mother is very controlling (I've met her and can vouch for it) and does not approve of her moving and getting married (despite liking my FI's family, brother included).

    We are all trying to be as supportive as possible and remind her that it's not just his family anymore-- it's also hers. I know it's not quite the same, but it's still very true. She will have none of her siblings, uncles, aunts, parents there (her father died years ago). He, however, will have both siblings, both parents, step parents, and my FI's father and step mother (they're all half siblings) there.

    Just make sure you show him it doesn't matter what they're like-- you're his family now and all of your family is also his.

    You hit the nail on the head here... Your FI's brother's fiancee seems eerily similar to ours. My family isn't perfect but I realize that I'm blessed because we all still stick by each other regardless of what's going on. But the situation in FI's family just breaks my heart, especially because I know it caused him years of disappointment and pain. His mother has a history of being an emotionally abusive and manipulative person.
  • That stinks but it will still be a wonderful day.

    You're also fortunate that you know now and can prepare. It would be much harder if they simply didn't show up (which happened with a number of people on DH's side).

    Families end up mixing well too. One of my happiest moments of the wedding was watching MIL teaching my mom, aunts, and other ladies how to salsa.


    One of my favorite moments was looking over at the dance floor to see SIL and her husband holding hands with my grandma and swaying in a circle to a hard rap song. It was awesome. And it got everyone else on the dance floor, which definitely got the party started for the rest of the night :) 

    He was sad that he has no grandparents. I was sad that I have an evil sister. We ended up with the best of both worlds. 
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  • Poor guy. We are not inviting any of FI family at all. I've asked at least three times "are you sure" because I don't want him to regret it later. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because if he doesn't invite them, he can't be let down. :( 


    I'm sorry for all of the drama. It's hurtful when it's a time in your life that you would appreciate the support. 
    FI also initially didn't want to invite any of his family, because maybe he knew this was going to happen. I guess that's a sort of emotional guard we can put up. Sorry it's happening in your situation too... but it does make me feel a bit better to know we're not alone.
  • That really sucks. I'm sorry. 

    We went through something very similar. My FIL didn't come to our wedding, because he said he wasn't well enough to travel up from Florida. He has diabetes and he doesn't take care of himself. We offered him a ton of options to get up here, even a private plane (offered by a family friend) and he shot every single one down. 
    H also had local cousins (they live an hour away) that never even responded to the RSVPs and when my MIL called them, they couldn't even give a solid answer if they could come (they never showed). 
  • That sucks. I'm sorry :(

    I had about 8 tables full of my side of the family. H had 1. His (only) grandfather couldn't make it, along with all but 1 aunt and uncle. We all still had a great time regardless. H is welcome in my family's homes and we are all one big happy family now :) The same will be true for your Fi.


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  • Thanks guys. You're all awesome. I'm just so pissed off at my FMIL right now because she has never once expressed remorse or apologized for missing the wedding, or for scheduling FSIL's surgery the week of the wedding. The whole family has a bad history like this. His brother scheduled his wedding for the week of FI's senior college finals, knowing fully that FI could not skip the finals without not graduating. Not a single family member went to either his college or grad school graduations. When he was single he lived 1 hour away from his mother and she didn't even invite him to her house for Christmas, so he spent the holiday alone. I've decided she's not even worth giving the time of day. FI came to this conclusion years ago, but I'm now with him on that!

    BUT on the up-side - my family loves FI, and he loves them! And we're going to have an awesome party!!! My brothers and BIL are acting as his surrogate groomsmen (we don't have a formal wedding party) and will have a drink with him before the ceremony. It's gonna rock so much that FMIL can sit in her house and nurse her poor broken foot and no one will even notice her absence.

    Happy Thursday, ladies!
  • Thanks guys. You're all awesome. I'm just so pissed off at my FMIL right now because she has never once expressed remorse or apologized for missing the wedding, or for scheduling FSIL's surgery the week of the wedding. The whole family has a bad history like this. His brother scheduled his wedding for the week of FI's senior college finals, knowing fully that FI could not skip the finals without not graduating. Not a single family member went to either his college or grad school graduations. When he was single he lived 1 hour away from his mother and she didn't even invite him to her house for Christmas, so he spent the holiday alone. I've decided she's not even worth giving the time of day. FI came to this conclusion years ago, but I'm now with him on that!

    BUT on the up-side - my family loves FI, and he loves them! And we're going to have an awesome party!!! My brothers and BIL are acting as his surrogate groomsmen (we don't have a formal wedding party) and will have a drink with him before the ceremony. It's gonna rock so much that FMIL can sit in her house and nurse her poor broken foot and no one will even notice her absence.

    Happy Thursday, ladies!

    It's not even worth it to be pissed at her. Sounds like she has always been shitty and will always be shitty, so don't waste any emotions on her. You're right; no one will miss her at your wedding and your celebration is going to be awesome. 

    As the knotties have told me, don't let the shitty person in your life get you down. Instead focus on all the amazing people, cuz there's a lot of them, and those are the ones who are worth your time. 
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  • Thanks guys. You're all awesome. I'm just so pissed off at my FMIL right now because she has never once expressed remorse or apologized for missing the wedding, or for scheduling FSIL's surgery the week of the wedding. The whole family has a bad history like this. His brother scheduled his wedding for the week of FI's senior college finals, knowing fully that FI could not skip the finals without not graduating. Not a single family member went to either his college or grad school graduations. When he was single he lived 1 hour away from his mother and she didn't even invite him to her house for Christmas, so he spent the holiday alone. I've decided she's not even worth giving the time of day. FI came to this conclusion years ago, but I'm now with him on that!

    BUT on the up-side - my family loves FI, and he loves them! And we're going to have an awesome party!!! My brothers and BIL are acting as his surrogate groomsmen (we don't have a formal wedding party) and will have a drink with him before the ceremony. It's gonna rock so much that FMIL can sit in her house and nurse her poor broken foot and no one will even notice her absence.

    Happy Thursday, ladies!

    It's not even worth it to be pissed at her. Sounds like she has always been shitty and will always be shitty, so don't waste any emotions on her. You're right; no one will miss her at your wedding and your celebration is going to be awesome. 

    As the knotties have told me, don't let the shitty person in your life get you down. Instead focus on all the amazing people, cuz there's a lot of them, and those are the ones who are worth your time. 
    Amen, sister!

    I'm pretty much done being ragey now, but I just had to get it out of my system. Now I'm ready to party!
  • I'm sorry. This must be really hard on your FI.

    I will say though, that in defense of his mother, everyone has a different pain threshold, and even if she's on crutches/in a wheelchair, it may be that it just fucking hurts too much for her to be civil and enjoy. Maybe she feels pressure to be a good "hostess" and feels she can't do that when she's hobbling about or stuck in a chair. Sure, this looks a little silly from your perspective (you and your FI just want her there; she doesn't have to "perform") but a lot of people really struggle with being out and "on" when they're not feeling their best.

    Sister's oral surgery is also obnoxious, but surgeons have availability when they have it. I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's a nefarious plot by FMIL to keep the family away from the wedding. Some things are just bad timing.

    Get your FI a margarita--he (and you) have every right to be disappointed, but try not to be bitter about it. You never know, maybe both mom and sister will be feeling up to it when the time comes--it's possible they're just under-promising with the hope of over-delivering.
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  • We're dealing with the same thing. FI's family threw us a wedding shower last weekend and basically used it as a 'get out of jail free' card. At the shower, we found out that none of the extended family are coming now. And his family is HUGE. 32 people not coming to the wedding, all from his side. 

    He's ragey and I feel horrible. I'm glad his parents and brothers will be there though, that's the most important. At his first wedding not a single family member went, so at least we're making progress. It's also a testament to how shitty his relatives can be. 

    I'm currently trying to talk him out of vaguebooking about them. We do still have to write them thank you notes after all...
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  • We're dealing with the same thing. FI's family threw us a wedding shower last weekend and basically used it as a 'get out of jail free' card. At the shower, we found out that none of the extended family are coming now. And his family is HUGE. 32 people not coming to the wedding, all from his side. 


    He's ragey and I feel horrible. I'm glad his parents and brothers will be there though, that's the most important. At his first wedding not a single family member went, so at least we're making progress. It's also a testament to how shitty his relatives can be. 

    I'm currently trying to talk him out of vaguebooking about them. We do still have to write them thank you notes after all...
    Ugh, sorry for you guys too :( My FI is also being a bit passive-aggressive (like not answering his mother's remorseless one-liner email saying she wouldn't be coming...), which I'm trying to talk him through.

    I swear, dealing with FI's family makes me so grateful for my own. I vow to always be there, emotionally if not physically, for my family (present and future) as I move forward in life. I guess that's the upside to being forced to deal with crappy dysfunctional relationships.
  • I'm sorry. This must be really hard on your FI.


    I will say though, that in defense of his mother, everyone has a different pain threshold, and even if she's on crutches/in a wheelchair, it may be that it just fucking hurts too much for her to be civil and enjoy. Maybe she feels pressure to be a good "hostess" and feels she can't do that when she's hobbling about or stuck in a chair. Sure, this looks a little silly from your perspective (you and your FI just want her there; she doesn't have to "perform") but a lot of people really struggle with being out and "on" when they're not feeling their best.

    Sister's oral surgery is also obnoxious, but surgeons have availability when they have it. I wouldn't be so quick to assume it's a nefarious plot by FMIL to keep the family away from the wedding. Some things are just bad timing.

    Get your FI a margarita--he (and you) have every right to be disappointed, but try not to be bitter about it. You never know, maybe both mom and sister will be feeling up to it when the time comes--it's possible they're just under-promising with the hope of over-delivering.
    I love your positive spin! However, unfortunately, with FMIL we know better than to give her the benefit of the doubt. The woman has never, once, been there for FI when he needed or wanted her. She's abusive, self-centered, and overall a crappy mother and I could write a huge thread discussing all the awful stories I've heard, but that's really not worth my time and energy and you'd all probably find it boring.

    Margaritas, on the other hand, are an awesome idea! Yay, it's Memorial Day weekend and the weather is beautiful!
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