Wedding Etiquette Forum

Over 21 Ceremony and Reception - Families with children on both sides of 21

HELP!!!

I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
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Re: Over 21 Ceremony and Reception - Families with children on both sides of 21

  • AlexisA01AlexisA01 Dubai, my royal playground. member
    500 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    JIC

    Live fast, die young. Bad Girls do it well. Suki Zuki.

  • HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    PrettyGirlLost
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not if some of the children are legal adults, as in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to invite a 21 year old and not his 15 year old brother. 
    image
    momofbride530STARMOON44jenijoyk
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited May 2015

    Inviting neither is your best bet, IMHO.

    ETA: NVM, just remembered 18 and over are legal adults. Everyone over 18 gets their own invite, regardless if they still live with their parents or not. So you're perfectly fine inviting someone over 21 and not their 15 year old sibling.

    I agree that you should just make the cutoff at 18 for this reason.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    There's no such thing as a "child over age 21." Those people (actually, anyone over age 18 [ETA assuming you're in the US, otherwise replace with your local age of majority]) are adults. It's perfectly fine to invite an adult and not their minor siblings - this is the one exception to not splitting up families.

    HOWEVER, they must be sent their own invitation (even if sent to their parents' address) and you must include their SOs.

    I would make the cutoff 18 so you're truly including all of the adults. I would be pretty offended if I was 19 and you invited my 21 year old sibling and not me.
    THIS.  Do this.


  • redoryx said:

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not if some of the children are legal adults, as in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to invite a 21 year old and not his 15 year old brother. 
    If they are legal adults, why the question? Invite them separately? 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not true. Children are not "all or none."
    jenijoyk
  • First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!

    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    redoryx said:

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not if some of the children are legal adults, as in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to invite a 21 year old and not his 15 year old brother. 
    If they are legal adults, why the question? Invite them separately? 
    I'm not sure what you are asking. 

    The OP says there are families where there are kids that are both sides of being 21. I'm just telling her there's nothing wrong with inviting the 22 year old and not the 15 year old. Hell, she can invite the 22 year old and not the 19 year old. They are adults and should be issued their own invitations. 

    I'm not saying there won't be family drama, but she's not breaking etiquette by doing that. 
    image
    [Deleted User]
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited May 2015
    Jen4948 said:

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not true. Children are not "all or none."
    Well. CHILDREN are,  meaning people under age 18. Another guest's offspring though, are not. Then it would be like if I invited my friend and her mom, I'd also have to invite her brothers whom I barely know.

    Once you turn 18, you're not a child anymore. Doesn't matter who your parents or your siblings are, for the purposes of social invitations. You're a social unit with your SO now, nobody else.

    image
    image
    madamerwin[Deleted User]VulgarGirlashley8918
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    redoryx said:

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not if some of the children are legal adults, as in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to invite a 21 year old and not his 15 year old brother. 
    I don't agree.  I don't care what the technical etiquette is.  That scenario is the definition of splitting up a family, which we also advise against.

    How ridiculous is it to invite the entire family- parents and 21yo brother but not the 15yo brother and so the 15yo is sitting at home, alone?

    Very ridiculous.

    Better to invite in circles, rather than setting these arbitrary age cut offs that then result in these stupid scenarios.

    This post is to share a counter opinion on etiquette and is not directed at redoryx.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    ashley8918lc07
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    They might feel the same way, but at least someone can say to them "technically, you're not an adult, and they invited only the adults in the family." If you want to save the family drama, I would invite none of the cousins, even though you're technically okay in only inviting the ones over 18.
    Jtownegirl07PrettyGirlLost
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?



    Then maybe I would suggest only inviting who you are close to. Ie are you close to any of these adult children in the first place? If not, and since you said you're trying to limit your guest list, remember that you need to invite all the SOs of anyone over 18. So depending on how many of these people you were thinking of inviting, that number could double.

    I would just treat these people on a case by case basis based on who you're close to. Ie if you see the 23 year old cousin regularly and are close to them, you can invite them and their SO but not the others you aren't close to. If the others get upset, then oh well- you can't invite everyone and they should understand.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    To the bolded, nothing.  But you are at least in the etiquette clear if you are making the cutoff at adulthood (18) as opposed to some arbitrary number (like 13).  It doesn't mean there won't be family drama depending upon how sensitive or not-understanding the affected parties are, but you are not being rude by having an adults-only reception and sticking to that.  You just have to own that decision.  Sure, it sucks for the 17 year old (if he or she is even interested in coming), but no one is entitled to a wedding invitation.



    [Deleted User]
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    I say do not invite any of them.   I think it's easier to cut out an entire generation then pick and choose which "kids" are invited within the same generation.



    I come from a large family also.    I invited aunts/uncles and first cousins (with their SO).  That alone was 53 people.  Had I started inviting the next generation it would have added another 100.  And that is just my family.    DH's is small though.

    Had I had any minor first cousins I would have still invited them.   That was my cut off. Not age, but generation when it came to family. I didn't invite my mom's cousin's kids.  Just way too many.  I only invited some of my mom's cousins who I'm close to (like my godmother). 

     I did not invite any kids of friends.   Actually the only kids at my wedding were my nieces and nephews (dh doesn't have any).







    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    PrettyGirlLostashley8918STARMOON44
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    You could get the word out by telling the family gossips that you will be inviting those who are 18 and over. Hopefully, Uncle will figure it out before the invitations arrive. There may be family drama, still, but it won't be because you have done anything wrong. 
                       
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    edited May 2015

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?

    Edit: boxes today, man...

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    PrettyGirlLostashley8918huskypuppy14
  • redoryx said:

    redoryx said:

    HELP!!!


    I am having a little crisis, we are trying to finalize the guest list in order to send out invitations. We decided early that persons under 21 would not be invited, for several reasons, but the main reason is because it cut about sixty people off the list without having to hurt feelings. 

    Except there is a problem. A few of my family members have children that are older than 21 and children that are under. 

    Do I invite the one that is old enough and not the younger one, do I invite neither, or do I invite both? And then what sort of cascading invitation addition or subtraction do to the feelings I was trying so hard not to hurt?

    My family is very very large (read over 150 people) and we are paying for our own wedding, so we can't afford more that 200 guests. I am not trying to be one of those crazy brides, but I also know how big my bank account is, I could really use the advice. 
    You can't break up family units. You either have to invite all the children in the family or none of the children in the family. Quite the pickle.
    Not if some of the children are legal adults, as in this case. It's perfectly acceptable to invite a 21 year old and not his 15 year old brother. 
    If they are legal adults, why the question? Invite them separately? 
    I'm not sure what you are asking. 

    The OP says there are families where there are kids that are both sides of being 21. I'm just telling her there's nothing wrong with inviting the 22 year old and not the 15 year old. Hell, she can invite the 22 year old and not the 19 year old. They are adults and should be issued their own invitations. 

    I'm not saying there won't be family drama, but she's not breaking etiquette by doing that. 
    I'm confused about the use of "children" I'm thinking "small children" and "older children". But she's talking about an age difference of 1-2 years between the 18+ "Children" and the younger "Children". In that case, it should be all or nothing, if you are inviting 4/5 children in the family, it may not technically be against etiquette if they get their own invites, but the youngest may feel hurt not to be invited. 
  • Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?

    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    SP29
  • lovegood90lovegood90 Ontario member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper

    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?


    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    Dang. It may be easier to just make the cutoff by excluding all of them. I think that's what I would do.

    Formerly martha1818

    image


  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary


    I'm confused about the use of "children" I'm thinking "small children" and "older children". But she's talking about an age difference of 1-2 years between the 18+ "Children" and the younger "Children". In that case, it should be all or nothing, if you are inviting 4/5 children in the family, it may not technically be against etiquette if they get their own invites, but the youngest may feel hurt not to be invited. 

    OP clearly said in the OP that it was an issue of "children" over the age of 21 versus some who are under. You still thought it was all or nothing then, even when she didn't clarify until later that there was a 17, 18, and 21 yo sibling in a family.

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    redoryx
  • theartistformerlyknownastheartistformerlyknownas peaced out. member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary

    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?


    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    Are there any other places you can shrink down your cost per person then, so you can invite more people comfortably? There are some budget gurus here with great ideas!

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  • lyndausvi said:

    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?


    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    Then why didn't you pick a venue that can hold everyone within your budget?

    IDK, I feel like you made this more complicated by picking a choice that you can't afford who you want.


    FWIW - I do not get picking a random number of guests to host.    As I said I have a huge family.  I picked a location within my budget to invite them all.  Sure i might have wanted a nicer venue, but having my family there was more important.
    OP said there were several reasons they decided on adults-only, so I'm wondering if another one of those reasons negated the need to pick a venue that would hold the entire family within budget (like truly wanting a child-free wedding)?


    PrettyGirlLost
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer

    lyndausvi said:

    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?


    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    Then why didn't you pick a venue that can hold everyone within your budget?

    IDK, I feel like you made this more complicated by picking a choice that you can't afford who you want.


    FWIW - I do not get picking a random number of guests to host.    As I said I have a huge family.  I picked a location within my budget to invite them all.  Sure i might have wanted a nicer venue, but having my family there was more important.
    OP said there were several reasons they decided on adults-only, so I'm wondering if another one of those reasons negated the need to pick a venue that would hold the entire family within budget (like truly wanting a child-free wedding)?
    But it's not really adults only. It's 21 and over only. Which is fine, but I don't understand how the OP didn't take her 18, 19, and 20 year old cousins into account when she made that cut off. It's as if she's suddenly surprised by this or something.
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  • frenchiekinfrenchiekin member
    Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 100 Comments First Answer
    edited May 2015
    redoryx said:

    lyndausvi said:

    Are you very close to your older cousins? You're not obligated to invite them at all... would it be a cleaner break to invite only your aunts and uncles but none of your cousins?


    It is an incredibly complicated family dynamic, I grew up with my mom,dad,two sisters, grandma, uncle, and aunt in one home. Every family occasion (from weekly get togethers to major holidays) includes 100+ people at a minimum. So I grew up closely involved in most of their lives, we all call and talk still even though my generation is mostly grown. 

    Inviting in circles then poses the same set of issues really and in terms of closeness, I am close to almost all of them, there are obviously a small handfull that I am closer to than the whole group but I just don't think I could only invite ten of them.
    Then why didn't you pick a venue that can hold everyone within your budget?

    IDK, I feel like you made this more complicated by picking a choice that you can't afford who you want.


    FWIW - I do not get picking a random number of guests to host.    As I said I have a huge family.  I picked a location within my budget to invite them all.  Sure i might have wanted a nicer venue, but having my family there was more important.
    OP said there were several reasons they decided on adults-only, so I'm wondering if another one of those reasons negated the need to pick a venue that would hold the entire family within budget (like truly wanting a child-free wedding)?
    But it's not really adults only. It's 21 and over only. Which is fine, but I don't understand how the OP didn't take her 18, 19, and 20 year old cousins into account when she made that cut off. It's as if she's suddenly surprised by this or something.
    Agree.

    ETA - I agree because I also don't think 21+ truly means adults only, but do think that is what OP intended by deciding on that age cutoff.  It just really should have been 18.


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:

    First, Thank you all for your quick and thoughtful responses!


    I am extremely concerned about the feelings of the family heads and the "children". Obviously over 18 get their own invites regardless of where they live, but for instance my uncle has five children, ages 23,21,18,17, and 2 all of them live with their dad. I can't think of a way to invite the oldest two or three without hurting the younger two or three's feelings. I love my whole family and if money weren't an object they would all be invited. 

    I would also really like to avoid the family drama which I guess is a futile battle. A few of you mentioned that being 19 and uninvited while a 21 year old sibling did would hurt your feelings. In the above referenced situation what keeps the seventeen year old from feeling the same way?
    I say do not invite any of them.   I think it's easier to cut out an entire generation then pick and choose which "kids" are invited within the same generation.



    I come from a large family also.    I invited aunts/uncles and first cousins (with their SO).  That alone was 53 people.  Had I started inviting the next generation it would have added another 100.  And that is just my family.    DH's is small though.

    Had I had any minor first cousins I would have still invited them.   That was my cut off. Not age, but generation when it came to family. I didn't invite my mom's cousin's kids.  Just way too many.  I only invited some of my mom's cousins who I'm close to (like my godmother). 

     I did not invite any kids of friends.   Actually the only kids at my wedding were my nieces and nephews (dh doesn't have any).

    This.

    Again, I don't care what the etiquette technically is, you very well may be judged negatively for splitting a family on a technicality.

    So invite in circles, which means invite the Aunts and Uncles, and don't invite any of the kids, the cousins, no matter their ages.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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