Etiquette
Thank You Note vs. Thank You Phone Call....thoughts?
Hi everyone! I'm a longtime lurker and I've made a comment or two, but this is my first post.
From reading for such a long time, I know how important thank you notes are not just for wedding and shower gifts, but all gifts! I was wondering though what everyone's thoughts were on receiving a phone call of thanks instead of a thank you note. I know some people like thank you notes because the receiver isn't just thanking you, but also letting you know that they got your gift. Since a phone call of thanks would do the same thing, would you be upset if you didn't receive a card as well? Personally I would not (I would be happy with a thank you text too, but that's just me!), but I was curious what you all thought!
(Note: I write thank you notes so this isn't a post trying to justify poor etiquette or anything like that, this is just purely out of curiosity and work boredom!)
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Re: Thank You Note vs. Thank You Phone Call....thoughts?
I much prefer the personal effort taken to make a phone call. To call, you actually have to make time in a schedule to call whereas with a card you can write them whenever, which makes them impersonal to me. So for the actual personal connection, phone calls are so much better than thank you notes.
But that said, thank you notes are so engrained in wedding etiquette that some people really get their knickers in a knot if they don't get the card... even if you thanked them in person or on the phone.
It is really silly to have to thank people twice, but unfortunately it's expected when it comes to weddings for many people. But I think that's changing, most people I know prefer a face to face or phone call for that personal thank you instead of a piece of (folded, pretty) paper.
OP - I would rather get a TY note. When DH and I attend a wedding or a shower, the gift comes from both of us. Unless we're both together and available to take a phone call, it's harder to thank both givers. And that's just two of us, if a family gives a gift or people go in on a gift together, it's even harder to thank all people. And "let them know I said thanks" doesn't really cut it IMO.
See, I hate phone calls from people with whom I don't speak with regularly via that medium, because usually after you get to the thank you, people feel like they need to converse more about your life and don't know where to begin.
If you've done a good job with a thank you note, the recipient should be able to see that it took time and thought and is sufficiently personal.
@flantastic The conversation after the initial thank you is what makes it more personal to me. I want to catch up with Aunt Bessie about life after whatever event happened that precipitated the thank you note. Chat with her, find out what's going on with her on top of thanking her (probably again, since I thank people in person at the time of the event).
Yes, you can (and should) personalize a thank you note, that's definitely the right way to do it. I just feel it is MORE personal to actually pick up the phone to thank someone or to thank them face to face than to sit down to write a thank you note.
I have and will be writing thank you notes for all wedding activities that require them. I understand that it is an expectation that I cannot get out of. I will fulfill it even though my preference is to be more face to face and intimate with whoever should get a thank you card.
This is a personal preference of mine. I prefer a phone call over a note. I prefer seeing the person face to face over a note. I make the effort to call people if I can't see them face to face to thank them. That is my preference.
No where did I say that I wasn't writing thank you notes. No where in my post did I say that anyone shouldn't write thank you notes. In fact, I said they were an engrained part of wedding etiquette and thus need to be done. The question in the OP was about preference and whether someone would be upset if they didn't receive a card as well. I answered with my preference.
Anything else you'd like to assume about me?
I think for something like a wedding or other big event, a thank you card is the best.
However if a close family member got me a birthday present, I'm going to call them up to personally thank them instead because we have that kind of relationship, you know?
ETA: Anyone else who I don't have a "talk on the phone" relationship with who would get me a birthday gift or something like that would still get a thank you note.
Formerly martha1818
Yes. I can understand those logistical issues. Again, I did not say I wanted phone calls to become required, I said I prefer them. There's a difference. If I knew you and had to thank you, I would be disappointed that you would refuse to talk to me on the phone, so I would send you a thank you card. Or arrange a coffee date or something. I just prefer to contact people directly and to have people contact me directly for stuff like this. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make this.
Yes. I can understand those logistical issues. Again, I did not say I wanted phone calls to become required, I said I prefer them. There's a difference. If I knew you and had to thank you, I would be disappointed that you would refuse to talk to me on the phone, so I would send you a thank you card. Or arrange a coffee date or something. I just prefer to contact people directly and to have people contact me directly for stuff like this. I'm not sure how much clearer I can make this.
You would be disappointed in me? Then I would see no need to inconvenience you with a gift in the first place. I don't "refuse" to speak to people on the phone. It's just not my normal thing, so I keep my phone on silent (especially for my office) and usually don't even notice if I get a phone call, which isn't often anyways since everyone who knows me knows I don't like phone calls.
You would be disappointed in me? Then I would see no need to inconvenience you with a gift in the first place. I don't "refuse" to speak to people on the phone. It's just not my normal thing, so I keep my phone on silent (especially for my office) and usually don't even notice if I get a phone call, which isn't often anyways since everyone who knows me knows I don't like phone calls.
Not disappointed in you, just disappointed that you as a friend or family member wouldn't want to converse with someone that I would think (hope?) is near and dear. But hopefully I would know your preference and would not call you as that is your preference. My phone is always on silent in the office (ringtones are so annoying) but I see when calls come in. Really, this topic comes down to different strokes for different folks... and respecting those differences while maintaining what's expected.
Yes. I rarely answer my phone. So I would be getting a thank you voicemail.
If I am taking the time and money to get you something that I think you will like, then I expect a handwritten TY note
I find this to be nonsense. The recipient isn't gonna care about whether or not it arrives at "a convenient time" because they can open and read it whenever they like, but if you call them at an inconvenient time for them, they're not going to appreciate your thank-you call so much. They may even be thinking, "Why doesn't she just send me a note that I can read whenever it's convenient for me?"
Plus, I think that not writing a note, whether or not you call them, is lazy.
Not disappointed in you, just disappointed that you as a friend or family member wouldn't want to converse with someone that I would think (hope?) is near and dear. But hopefully I would know your preference and would not call you as that is your preference. My phone is always on silent in the office (ringtones are so annoying) but I see when calls come in. Really, this topic comes down to different strokes for different folks... and respecting those differences while maintaining what's expected.
You expect every friend and family member to be eagerly awaiting a call from you? What if, they're driving, sick, having an emergency, in the middle of work or errands, or just happen to be doing something else and aren't in the mood for any phone conversations, regardless of how "dear" you think they consider you? Expecting them to be automatically in the mood to converse with you, regardless of what else might be going on with them, will get you bounced from just about everyone's idea of who is "near and dear" to them.