Pre-wedding Parties

It's not an Engagement Party, what is it?

My FMIL's BFF offered to to throw us an Engagement Party in FH's hometown. They are an old family from the South so it was a not-so-small shock when we announced we are getting married 1300 miles away in my hometown and where FH went to school. We are the first couple in the family to not get married there. We are very thankful but FMIL mentioned inviting people we are not inviting to the wedding. Doctors she works with, FH's dad's old buddies (FFIL passed 10 years ago), other family friends who knew FH when he was young. Since FMIL's BFFwill be hosting, am I correct they can invite whomever they please? Is there something we can rename the party to make it more appropriate? I have learned that an Engagement Party is supposed to be for the families to meet, my family won't be coming, so it seems to me this should be renamed at the very least. As I understand it, they basically want to have a party to invite people who would be happy in seeing FH for the first time in a long time and who *might* have been invited to the wedding had we decided to have it there. Should I say something or just let them have their party? Is there anything I can do/say/suggest to make this better?

Re: It's not an Engagement Party, what is it?

  • My FMIL's BFF offered to to throw us an Engagement Party in FH's hometown. They are an old family from the South so it was a not-so-small shock when we announced we are getting married 1300 miles away in my hometown and where FH went to school. We are the first couple in the family to not get married there. We are very thankful but FMIL mentioned inviting people we are not inviting to the wedding. Doctors she works with, FH's dad's old buddies (FFIL passed 10 years ago), other family friends who knew FH when he was young. Since FMIL's BFFwill be hosting, am I correct they can invite whomever they please? Is there something we can rename the party to make it more appropriate? I have learned that an Engagement Party is supposed to be for the families to meet, my family won't be coming, so it seems to me this should be renamed at the very least. As I understand it, they basically want to have a party to invite people who would be happy in seeing FH for the first time in a long time and who *might* have been invited to the wedding had we decided to have it there. Should I say something or just let them have their party? Is there anything I can do/say/suggest to make this better?

    No, it is inappropriate for people who will not be invited to the wedding to be invited to any pre-wedding event, including an engagement party, shower, bachelor/ette, etc. If they insist on inviting these people, you need to politely decline the party.
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  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    My FMIL's BFF offered to to throw us an Engagement Party in FH's hometown. They are an old family from the South so it was a not-so-small shock when we announced we are getting married 1300 miles away in my hometown and where FH went to school. We are the first couple in the family to not get married there. We are very thankful but FMIL mentioned inviting people we are not inviting to the wedding. Doctors she works with, FH's dad's old buddies (FFIL passed 10 years ago), other family friends who knew FH when he was young. Since FMIL's BFFwill be hosting, am I correct they can invite whomever they please? Is there something we can rename the party to make it more appropriate? I have learned that an Engagement Party is supposed to be for the families to meet, my family won't be coming, so it seems to me this should be renamed at the very least. As I understand it, they basically want to have a party to invite people who would be happy in seeing FH for the first time in a long time and who *might* have been invited to the wedding had we decided to have it there. Should I say something or just let them have their party? Is there anything I can do/say/suggest to make this better?

    No, it is inappropriate for people who will not be invited to the wedding to be invited to any pre-wedding event, including an engagement party, shower, bachelor/ette, etc. If they insist on inviting these people, you need to politely decline the party.
    If the host is throwing the party in your honor, then they should respect protocol and ask you for a guest list.  Renaming it won't fool anyone, nor will it change the etiquette.
    [Deleted User]
  • Thanks. I know they love to have a party for any reason but it was making me uncomfortable. But I didnt want to seem ungrateful.

    [Deleted User]
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Tell FMIL that you won't be able to invite all of these people to the wedding, so you don't want the party to be a wedding related event. If they're an old southern family, she should probably understand why this is an issue.

    There's nothing wrong with having a non-wedding related party so that all of those people can catch up with your FI and meet you. 
    ThxSugar
  • @MyNameIsNot This is exactly what I will do next time they bring it up.

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