What is something nice to do for a new mom?

thisismynickname2

Hello!

A friend of mine has a brand new adorable baby, and I'm visiting her at the hospital today. 

It's a really unfair situation- the father of the child has completely bailed. This friend also doesn't have any family in our area at all; she is truly on her own.  I'm not a parent but many of my other friends are, and these other friends all have had the support of the baby's father / their spouse plus their own families' support. Having a newborn is hard enough even with support. 

I already told her I could come visit her to help her with housework, or run errands, or just take the baby for a stroll while she gets a nap in. I'm really not a cook, but could bring her muffins or something similarly simple.

Any suggestions on how to help out a new mom? 

Thanks! 

novella1186

One of my close friends was in a similar situation a few years ago, but what was worse was that she had a lot of serious medical complications from her C-section which made things even more difficult for her because she had to keep getting re-admitted to the hospital, or was put on bed-rest, was banned from lifting over 5 pounds (her baby was born at like 7 pounds, so she literally could not pick up her own baby) and stuff like that. 

What she said helped her a lot was when I would go to the grocery store for her, bring over take-out for her, watch the baby/pick her up and carry her around when she started crying so my friend had a chance to rest more, just general stuff like that. 

TrixieJess

Ask her. Some new mothers want a lot of help, some want everyone to back the hell off and leave them alone. If at all possible, could you ask her about scheduling a maid service? Also, grocery gift cards and gift cards for fast food or take-out restaurants in the area are great. Offering to take the baby for 10 minutes while she showers is another great thing. I would ask what she needs and wants and go from there.

thisismynickname2

novella1186 said:

One of my close friends was in a similar situation a few years ago, but what was worse was that she had a lot of serious medical complications from her C-section which made things even more difficult for her because she had to keep getting re-admitted to the hospital, or was put on bed-rest, was banned from lifting over 5 pounds (her baby was born at like 7 pounds, so she literally could not pick up her own baby) and stuff like that. 

What she said helped her a lot was when I would go to the grocery store for her, bring over take-out for her, watch the baby/pick her up and carry her around when she started crying so my friend had a chance to rest more, just general stuff like that. 

--- pre-emptive box ----

Oh my goodness... how awful for your friend. Duly noted on the helpfulness, thanks! 

esstee33

***Removed for TOS violation***

KatWAG

 

esstee33 said:

Even if you're not a cook, freezer meals are super easy. Does she have a crockpot? If not, get her a crockpot. Then, make a bunch of freezer meals in gallon bags to take over to her. No cooking even required -- find a recipe, then just throw all the ingredients in the bag and put it in the freezer. There are TONS of recipes on Pinterest. 

This was the biggest help to me when I had my LO.

Also when you are there, look around and see what needs to be done. If the sick if full of dishes, put a load in the dishwasher. If the trash is full, take it out. I would do these things without even asking her, just start helping.

banana468

The biggest help you'll be is when she's home.

-Freezer meals

-Offer to do laundry,clean a toilet, wash a floor, dishes

-Even better, bring over paper plates and bowls.   She doesn't need to worry about clean utensils.

-Buy her granola bars, cereal bars, other items that she can eat at room temp at 3 AM.

-If she doesn't have a big water bottle, get her one.

-Gatorade (mixed with water) is great for middle of the night needs to replenish electrolytes.

And while you don't want to be all "let me come over and hold the baby!!!" offer to do that if she'd like some sleep.

thisismynickname2

Good suggestions everyone! (I'll have to find out if she has allergies before buying / making any food.) 

southernbelle0915

Make some meals that are easy to freeze and put them in individual sized freezer bags. That would be a HUGE help.

Also, offering to go to the grocery store, pharmacy, etc. for her would probably be super helpful.

kvruns

offering to be there and asking if she needs anything is a good start although she might not be willing to say "I need someone to do the dishes" but you can pick up on her needs I think.  my best friend was in a similar situation, she did move home a bit after the baby but then when he was 6 months old moved back to our town and she was on her own other than friends. I ended up appointing myself his babysitter 1 night per week, I bought a car seat, jogging stroller, etc and would pick him up from daycare on Wednesdays and keep him for a while so she could do whatever (usually just not rush from work). Just giving her a break was a big help I think/hope.

thisismynickname2

Yeah, I'm thinking I can be of most use to her just showing up and helping around the house. She's the type of person who would never ask for help, but would show appreciation if one does help. 

Appreciate the suggestions! 

sunset30

I just had a baby 7 weeks ago, and the things I've found most helpful as others mentioned were easy to prepare meals that are somewhat healthy and having someone come over and just pitch in with household chores without being asked. You mentioned you're not a cook, but even going to the grocery store and pick up prepared meals you just stick in the microwave is good since its hard to cook with a newborn and especially if she is breastfeeding she needs to eat regularly. I hate asking people for help, but my sister has been awesome with just going and grabbing laundry and doing it, doing dishes, cleaning up things in the kitchen, etc. Also, since she is on her own, you'd be an awesome friend if you just brought over groceries for her so she didn't have to worry about going out with a newborn.

The other thing that would be super helpful is to offer to watch the baby while she naps, showers, etc. I think new moms in general (me and friends I've talked to) had a hard time being separated especially at the beginning, but by week 3-4 you just become so exhausted from the lack of sleep that I think people may become more willing to accept help in watching the baby. 

If you're really ambitious you could offer to spend the night a couple of nights and help out with the baby so she can get back to sleep. Even if she is breastfeeding, a night waking consists of feeding the baby, changing him, and rocking him back to sleep - my husband a couple times took over the changing and rocking so I could go back to bed. Getting that extra 20-30 minutes of sleep when you're up every 2-3 hours makes a huge difference. 

monkeysip

What a great friend!  Everyone has great ideas.

Every parent is so different.  I know a lot of moms don't want to give their baby to anyone else for the first couple weeks.  I, personally, welcomed people taking the baby from me for short periods of time.  I felt so overwhelmed by having a baby.  Having people hold her, rock her, etc. was great for me.  And I had a husband there to take the baby a lot!  I can't imagine doing it all myself.  

So some things you can do without asking, like bringing some food and picking up around the house a little bit.  Other things, like taking the baby for a bit, you'll want to ask.  But she might take you up on the offer!

banana468

Also, offer to "BE" there.   Not everyone has a hormonal surge of puppies and rainbows once they see their new baby.   It took me a good month to snap out of the blues and into a zone where I felt like I could do it.   And DH and I planned the pregancy and were thrilled to have DD.   I spent the first few days of DS's life paranoid that I was going to be in an awful state of blues again with him. 

thisismynickname2

banana468 said:

Also, offer to "BE" there.   Not everyone has a hormonal surge of puppies and rainbows once they see their new baby.   It took me a good month to snap out of the blues and into a zone where I felt like I could do it.   And DH and I planned the pregancy and were thrilled to have DD.   I spent the first few days of DS's life paranoid that I was going to be in an awful state of blues again with him. 

----box----

That is something I'm a bit worried about for her. This wasn't a planned pregnancy by any means, and early on when it became clear the father wanted nothing to do with her or the child, she's been stressed. We don't live in a low cost of living area... last I knew, she hadn't been able to figure out child care while she works. She has a good job, but it won't pay the rent and daycare. She may need government services. This being said, her Facebook post with the pictures of the newborn is all puppies and rainbows, but that doesn't mean she won't freak out when she's by herself in her apartment with a newborn. So it's good advice to BE there for her. I just want her to know she's not alone. 

banana468

And  let her know she can cry.   I know this sounds silly but I remember being home with a newborn and thinking, "I'm a college graduate, I'm 30 years old, why can't I figure this out??" 

And I got on the phone and begged for my mom to come over.   The water works wouldn't stop.

So the anxiety of it all may mean that she just needs to know that she's allowed to feel anything she feels. 

flbride2015

banana468 said:

Also, offer to "BE" there.   Not everyone has a hormonal surge of puppies and rainbows once they see their new baby.   It took me a good month to snap out of the blues and into a zone where I felt like I could do it.   And DH and I planned the pregancy and were thrilled to have DD.   I spent the first few days of DS's life paranoid that I was going to be in an awful state of blues again with him. 

_________________BOXES_________________________________________________

This. I had pretty bad post-partum/blues with my little one. No one knew, and I sure wasn't going to say anything to anyone, but it would definitely have been helpful to have someone just be there. I literally felt like my life was over, which is a terrible feeling to have, especially when you're holding a baby that you love so much. It was a lot of conflicting emotions, and I should have probably reached out to someone, but I was too proud to and embarassed. How do you tell all these people who are excited for you that you don't feel all rainbows and unicorns too?

Also, like others mentioned, just show up and start helping (if your friend would be ok with that, I know some people don't want to be bothered). A lot of people offer to help or to babysit, but then never actually do it (probably because they're waiting to be asked, but people like me will never feel comfortable asking). I was a signle mom for a while and I needed help. I never asked for it and I did it on my own, but you better believe I wanted to cry tears of joy on some days when a friend would come over and help around the house, or watch my daughter so I could shower, or just hang out with me and provide some companionship. It can be pretty lonely when it's just you and a baby. 

 

 

princessleia22

esstee33 said:

Even if you're not a cook, freezer meals are super easy. Does she have a crockpot? If not, get her a crockpot. Then, make a bunch of freezer meals in gallon bags to take over to her. No cooking even required -- find a recipe, then just throw all the ingredients in the bag and put it in the freezer. There are TONS of recipes on Pinterest. 

BBQ is great to freeze and easy to reheat.  DH will smoke large quantities of brisket, pulled chicken, and pulled pork, then put it into portion sized vacuum seal bags. Then he just takes one out of the freezer and puts it in a pan of boiling water, with the bag still sealed, until it's warm. Then open the bag, put some sauce on it (if desired) and eat.  Pulling a bag from freezer and putting it in a boiling pan is as easy as it gets.  And it doesn't dirty any dishes to cook it, since the food is cooked inside the bag.  When we have a bunch of it, we usually just keep the pot of water on the stove and reheat the same water over and over, since the food never touches the pan or water anyway. 

Even if you don't cook it yourself, you can probably find some unsauced, already cooked meat that you could portion up and freeze for her.

wandajune6

This is a great question that I'm following closely!

My BFF had a baby yesterday. She lives with her boyfriend but he's an idiot who is terrified of responsibility. The baby was born at 3 PM EST yesterday and he still hasn't met her... (She was about to leave when she learned she was pregnant, wanted to give him a chance to grow up. It didn't happen.)

I'm planning on flying out there for a week, leaving in about a week. Her mom will be there for a bit and I'll come in as her mom leaves. She doesn't have a big community in the area.

My goal is to be there to handle the crap she can't deal with. I'll be there to make runs out for diapers, cook meals, and watch the baby when she needs to shower or nap. I have been texting with her brother (who I don't know but is picking me up at the airport) and we'll be stopping for supplies so I can fill her freezer with easy meals and snacks. Basically, I'll be there for whatever she needs.

banana468

Also, if you haven't had kids, don't make this mistake: diaper sizing is full of crap (no pun intended).   It may say that a diaper size can handle up to 16 lbs but by the time the baby is 12-14 pounds, every poop is a blow out.

It's gross but knowing not to stock up on sizes they go through so quickly will save you loads of laundry too. 

thisismynickname2

banana468 said:

Also, if you haven't had kids, don't make this mistake: diaper sizing is full of crap (no pun intended).   It may say that a diaper size can handle up to 16 lbs but by the time the baby is 12-14 pounds, every poop is a blow out.

It's gross but knowing not to stock up on sizes they go through so quickly will save you loads of laundry too. 

I was actually wondering about that!! I'm not going to bring diapers to the hospital today because I don't want her to lug home a bunch of gifts, but if I drop by next week or so I though diapers would be good to bring. 

@wandajune6 there were a lot of babies born this weekend! There's another couple I know that also had a baby, on Saturday, but we're not as close as we used to be. I don't know when I'll get to meet their little one. 

banana468

Unless baby is very tiny the newborn size gets the least amount of use. So a gargantuan box is silly. And the hospital diapers are used whole baby is there.

monkeysip

Lol DD never fit into "newborn" diapers or clothing.  She was in size 1 diapers or size 0-3 month clothing immediately.

MobKaz

wandajune6 said:

This is a great question that I'm following closely!

My BFF had a baby yesterday. She lives with her boyfriend but he's an idiot who is terrified of responsibility. The baby was born at 3 PM EST yesterday and he still hasn't met her... (She was about to leave when she learned she was pregnant, wanted to give him a chance to grow up. It didn't happen.)

I'm planning on flying out there for a week, leaving in about a week. Her mom will be there for a bit and I'll come in as her mom leaves. She doesn't have a big community in the area.

My goal is to be there to handle the crap she can't deal with. I'll be there to make runs out for diapers, cook meals, and watch the baby when she needs to shower or nap. I have been texting with her brother (who I don't know but is picking me up at the airport) and we'll be stopping for supplies so I can fill her freezer with easy meals and snacks. Basically, I'll be there for whatever she needs.

Several posters have mentioned it will be helpful to run errands for the new mom. I do not disagree. While the new mom heals and adjusts, running errands will absolutely be helpful. However, I am going to add to this and put a different spin on this. If your schedule allows, offer to run errands WITH the new mom. New parents are often reluctant and/or nervous to make that first solo outing with their newborn. They are anxious about getting the baby into the car seat. They are nervous about driving with a screaming baby. They aren't sure how to shop with a baby. Having a friend join on some of these firsts will reassure the new mom that all these things will become second nature, and that most outings will be "survivable". Offer to go with on that first baby appointment so that she can concentrate on questions with the doctor. Offer to go with to HER first follow up appointment so she can focus on her healing and health while not worrying about whether the baby will disrupt the appointment. It is absolutely great to help a friend by running errands. But it is equally important to make sure that your friend get out of the house, not only for a change of scenery, but to gain confidence in her independence with her new baby.

IrishPirate60

In a few weeks, can you round up someone to give her a foot massage and pedicure at home while you watch the baby?

wandajune6

MobKaz said:

wandajune6 said:

This is a great question that I'm following closely!

My BFF had a baby yesterday. She lives with her boyfriend but he's an idiot who is terrified of responsibility. The baby was born at 3 PM EST yesterday and he still hasn't met her... (She was about to leave when she learned she was pregnant, wanted to give him a chance to grow up. It didn't happen.)

I'm planning on flying out there for a week, leaving in about a week. Her mom will be there for a bit and I'll come in as her mom leaves. She doesn't have a big community in the area.

My goal is to be there to handle the crap she can't deal with. I'll be there to make runs out for diapers, cook meals, and watch the baby when she needs to shower or nap. I have been texting with her brother (who I don't know but is picking me up at the airport) and we'll be stopping for supplies so I can fill her freezer with easy meals and snacks. Basically, I'll be there for whatever she needs.

Several posters have mentioned it will be helpful to run errands for the new mom. I do not disagree. While the new mom heals and adjusts, running errands will absolutely be helpful. However, I am going to add to this and put a different spin on this.

If your schedule allows, offer to run errands WITH the new mom. New parents are often reluctant and/or nervous to make that first solo outing with their newborn. They are anxious about getting the baby into the car seat. They are nervous about driving with a screaming baby. They aren't sure how to shop with a baby. Having a friend join on some of these firsts will reassure the new mom that all these things will become second nature, and that most outings will be "survivable". Offer to go with on that first baby appointment so that she can concentrate on questions with the doctor. Offer to go with to HER first follow up appointment so she can focus on her healing and health while not worrying about whether the baby will disrupt the appointment.

It is absolutely great to help a friend by running errands. But it is equally important to make sure that your friend get out of the house, not only for a change of scenery, but to gain confidence in her independence with her new baby.



Thank you! I'll actually be staying with her on my visit. I wanted to avoid that because it seems like extra stress but she wanted me closer. I'll make it a point to offer to go out with her and the baby.

Thanks!

thisismynickname2

Thanks again! And UPDATE- Oh my goodness is the child too CUTE. My friend is a natural mother. She had a c-section so the housework/errands will be helpful as she heals.