Wedding Etiquette Forum

"You should have a honeyfund!" & other rude suggestions

This is a rant that I just can't get off my mind.

Yesterday at a friend's cookout, I was talking with someone who is pretty travel savvy when it comes to budget vacation planning so I was picking her brain about FI and I going on a mini-vacation at the end of the summer. Another friend overheard a portion of our conversation and assumed we were discussing honeymoon planning.

"You guys should just do a honeyfund and have someone else pay for your honeymoon if you're worried about paying for it!" she exclaimed to my horror.  Other friends began jumping in about how FI and myself should just forgo having a registry that we don't even have yet and ask people for money so we can go on a nice honeymoon.

I tried bean dipping the conversation but approximately 10 people in the room all chimed in about how honeyfunds are the way to go.  My FI stated that we think asking for money is rude. "But it's not!"  "I would much rather give you money than buy a toaster!"  "Forget the rules! Just do a honeyfund and maybe someone will gift you $1,000 so you can go on a honeymoon!"

image

A huge part of me wanted to explode about how incredibly rude all of their suggestions were but I just changed the subject as quickly as possible.  I've received two follow-up facebook conversations this afternoon from friends recommending two different honeymoon funding websites. One even suggested that I just "need to get over etiquette!"

How do you handles these conversations? Do you change the subject to avoid an awkward "but you are wrong about this!" talk? Do you explain that it's rude?

Re: "You should have a honeyfund!" & other rude suggestions

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers

    I attended a family event (not a wedding) last year where several people talked about how "great" and "convenient" they thought honeyfunds are.  I kept my mouth shut since I was not directly asked, but had I been, I would have said, "I don't want to do that."

    I think that when you're planning a wedding, everyone around you is going to put in their two cents, and a big percentage of their advice will be bad.  I'd tell them, "Thanks, but we're not doing that," and stopped there.  If they press with "Why not?" or otherwise tried to keep the conversation going, I'd respond, "I gave it some thought and realized that it isn't what I want to do." And if necessary I'd keep responding along the same lines.

    CMGragainBlue_Bird
  • Thank you both for the "It's just not something we want to do!" lines.  I have been keeping wedding talk with our groups of friends to a bare minimum and yesterday was the first time that a (bad) suggestion was made and a group of people agreed to said (bad) suggestion.
    Jen4948
  • "I'll think about it. Could you come over and pull my finger? "
    [Deleted User]sophhabobopha
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I'd just say something like thanks for the info, I'll think about it.  Obviously they already know you aren't OK with it so I don't think it will help to continue to explain your position.  I had a couple of people mention them to me too and I just said hmmmm ok.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    peachy13 said:
    This actually just happened to me at a cookout over the weekend too! My mom's friend came up to me and started talking wedding stuff. Her daughter is getting married two weeks before me so sometimes it's kind of fun to pick her brain a little bit. But then she goes "I went to a friend's son's wedding last month and they had the BEST thing ever! Okay, get this... you know no one ever eats the favors or takes the favors home?" I'm like, yes (I know where this is going). And she says "WELL the bride and groom made a donation in the guests' favor! I thought that was the sweetest idea ever! Everyone hates random candy on the table! Do you know what you're doing for favors yet?" 

    I'm doing random candy on the table. 
    How did you respond to her?
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    My SIL talked about doing one for her wedding this past October. I explained to her that 1) They take a portion of the money and 2) It's essentially asking for cash, which is rude. She was like, yeah I guess you're right but ended up doing a Disney Honeymoon registry anyways.



  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    peachy13 said:
    This actually just happened to me at a cookout over the weekend too! My mom's friend came up to me and started talking wedding stuff. Her daughter is getting married two weeks before me so sometimes it's kind of fun to pick her brain a little bit. But then she goes "I went to a friend's son's wedding last month and they had the BEST thing ever! Okay, get this... you know no one ever eats the favors or takes the favors home?" I'm like, yes (I know where this is going). And she says "WELL the bride and groom made a donation in the guests' favor! I thought that was the sweetest idea ever! Everyone hates random candy on the table! Do you know what you're doing for favors yet?" 

    I'm doing random candy on the table. 
    How did you respond to her?
    She should have responded by saying "Well then there will be more candy for our other guests!" And then walked away.

    But then again I can be slightly bitchy :)

  • justsiejustsie member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    emmaaa said:
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.
    Did I read/understand this right. A fundraiser that encourages a cake smashing session??? Noooooooo
    image
    emmaaaSP29
  • Thanks, all!  I've decided as times goes on to just smile and nod when anyone makes a suggestion for the wedding like the honeyfund. 


    Cake smashing fundraiser? Can I smash cake in the face of the person who makes such a suggestion? No money to be involved, just smashing cake.
    thisismynickname2
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    emmaaa said:
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.
    ????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
  • sophhabobophasophhabobopha The Midwestern tundra member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    emmaaa said:
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.

    Dear god why.
    image
  • emmaaaemmaaa North Carolina mod
    Moderator 2500 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary
    justsie said:
    emmaaa said:
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.
    Did I read/understand this right. A fundraiser that encourages a cake smashing session??? Noooooooo
    Yep. I was astonished. They are a very playful couple and would have probably smushed cake in eachother's faces anyways, again playfully. But this actually was a fundraiser and encouraged it. So yeah, you read it right.

    I didn't even have to tell DH I didn't want to do the cake smash. He knew. If he had done it, I would have walked out of the reception. I hate have food and stuff on my face, even my lips, I literally cannot stand it. He knows that about me so it wasn't a question.

  • delujm0delujm0 member
    Fifth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    This is a rant that I just can't get off my mind.

    Yesterday at a friend's cookout, I was talking with someone who is pretty travel savvy when it comes to budget vacation planning so I was picking her brain about FI and I going on a mini-vacation at the end of the summer. Another friend overheard a portion of our conversation and assumed we were discussing honeymoon planning.

    "You guys should just do a honeyfund and have someone else pay for your honeymoon if you're worried about paying for it!" she exclaimed to my horror.  Other friends began jumping in about how FI and myself should just forgo having a registry that we don't even have yet and ask people for money so we can go on a nice honeymoon.

    I tried bean dipping the conversation but approximately 10 people in the room all chimed in about how honeyfunds are the way to go.  My FI stated that we think asking for money is rude. "But it's not!"  "I would much rather give you money than buy a toaster!"  "Forget the rules! Just do a honeyfund and maybe someone will gift you $1,000 so you can go on a honeymoon!"

     
     
    This person knows she can still give you money instead of a toaster, right?  it's called "a check" or "cash" and you put it inside a card.

    lachattefatalehashtag43016XrebeccaXanjemon
  • emmaaa said:


    justsie said:


    emmaaa said:

    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.

    Did I read/understand this right. A fundraiser that encourages a cake smashing session??? Noooooooo

    Yep. I was astonished. They are a very playful couple and would have probably smushed cake in eachother's faces anyways, again playfully. But this actually was a fundraiser and encouraged it. So yeah, you read it right.

    I didn't even have to tell DH I didn't want to do the cake smash. He knew. If he had done it, I would have walked out of the reception. I hate have food and stuff on my face, even my lips, I literally cannot stand it. He knows that about me so it wasn't a question.


    Though I would not want cake smashed in my face, but I know a lot of people do the money dance where you pay to dance with the bride and grooms. That is actually a tradition, in some families.
  • justsiejustsie member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    justsie said:
    emmaaa said:
    Oh another one was the cake smash jar. My BFF did this for her wedding in September and apparently got like $500. Basically, people put money in the jar of whoever the want to smash the cake in their partner's face. She told me I should do that and I just told her no thanks, I'm not into that.
    Did I read/understand this right. A fundraiser that encourages a cake smashing session??? Noooooooo
    Yep. I was astonished. They are a very playful couple and would have probably smushed cake in eachother's faces anyways, again playfully. But this actually was a fundraiser and encouraged it. So yeah, you read it right.

    I didn't even have to tell DH I didn't want to do the cake smash. He knew. If he had done it, I would have walked out of the reception. I hate have food and stuff on my face, even my lips, I literally cannot stand it. He knows that about me so it wasn't a question.
    Though I would not want cake smashed in my face, but I know a lot of people do the money dance where you pay to dance with the bride and grooms. That is actually a tradition, in some families.
    That doesn't mean that tradition is not tacky and rude. Its a "tradition" in my family too, and it is not one I would want to force onto my guests. 
    image
    spglsp
  • spglspspglsp member
    Seventh Anniversary 100 Love Its 100 Comments Name Dropper
    peachy13 said:
    This actually just happened to me at a cookout over the weekend too! My mom's friend came up to me and started talking wedding stuff. Her daughter is getting married two weeks before me so sometimes it's kind of fun to pick her brain a little bit. But then she goes "I went to a friend's son's wedding last month and they had the BEST thing ever! Okay, get this... you know no one ever eats the favors or takes the favors home?" I'm like, yes (I know where this is going). And she says "WELL the bride and groom made a donation in the guests' favor! I thought that was the sweetest idea ever! Everyone hates random candy on the table! Do you know what you're doing for favors yet?" 

    I'm doing random candy on the table. 
    I'm not doing favors at all, I really thought that's where she was going with this.
    Just Married!

    image
  • One of my friends said his friend was having a honeyfund for her wedding and he thought it was such a great idea. I said, "Wait, what kind of honeyfund? Be careful, because some of those websites take a cut of the gift! Did you know that? You're better off just writing her a check and giving it to her in a card."

    Light bulb moment for him.

    You can try to combat the rudeness with logic, but otherwise, I like the suggestion of saying, "Thanks for the suggestion."




    That's such a good response! I've just been staying silent like some weird puppet, but this is such a good one!

    image
  • One of my friends said his friend was having a honeyfund for her wedding and he thought it was such a great idea. I said, "Wait, what kind of honeyfund? Be careful, because some of those websites take a cut of the gift! Did you know that? You're better off just writing her a check and giving it to her in a card."

    Light bulb moment for him.

    You can try to combat the rudeness with logic, but otherwise, I like the suggestion of saying, "Thanks for the suggestion."




    That's such a good response! I've just been staying silent like some weird puppet, but this is such a good one!

    okay i have no idea why it put my response into your quote...that's embarrassing.  red is me btw. 
    image
  • I don't think anyone suggested anything rude to me/us, however my SIL is getting married next year and is considering a honeyfund. My husband thinks it is a great idea and I was like no no no no no no. "But they're young and they live in a small apartment and don't need "stuff!"" Okay then don't do a registry or just do a small one. People know what to do.
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