Wedding Etiquette Forum

Negotiations and Exasperations with Room Block

Hello All,

I've been lurking a little bit and have gotten some great advice from these boards.  This is my first post so I just ask you go a little easy on me hehehe.  Wedding planning and logistics is tough enough.

So when I first started the planning process and picked my bridesmaids, my fiance's sister (FSIL and bridesmaid) was ready to jump at the chance to start organizing everything and was stating her case to me because the last wedding she was in (as MOH), the bride didn't want to do much so she did almost everything.  I'm already hearing from my other bridesmaids and MOH that she tries to control everything.

I like to plan and be hands-on for an event I'm hosting but so that she feels she can help organize something, I let her do our room block.  However, I told her that if there are any contracts to sign, that I would like either me or my fiance to look it over first and sign it under one of our names.  In addition, even though it's not required by me or my fiance, we plan on hosting a brunch the next day to say goodbye to everyone since there will be quite a few people traveling out of state and we can afford it.  However, I always try to negotiate prices a bit since it doesn't hurt to ask.  She told me that she would negotiate the brunch price because we had so many people.  Well, in short, I felt like she didn't really try.  She sent me the email of her "negotiation", which read "Hi (sales manager), the bride wants to know if you can reduce the price of brunch.  Thanks."

If I were the sales manager, that's an easy "No" for me, which was what his answer was to her.  I guess I was a little peeved because I felt like I would've tried a little harder.  Anyway, I haven't signed the contract for brunch yet.  A few weeks later, I called the manager myself because. I had a number of questions about other things and had to block some rooms for my family anyway.  

So after all of my other questions and him confirming the number of rooms so far, I say "So, I'm having a pretty big wedding as you can see and giving you a lot of business.  I was interested in hosting a brunch, but do you think we can work something out on the price?  I know $_____ is the price on the contract but its a little out of my price range (not really but I had to lay it on).  I'd be really happy if you can do a little better."  Boom, I got a discount right there.  That shaved off at least $200+.  Not much but it adds up and I'll take what I can get.

I let my FSIL know that I had blocked rooms for my family and also let her know that I talked to him about brunch and that he has offered me a discount.  She said "ok".  But I guess she wasn't okay with it because she told my fiance that I overstepped my boundaries and that I undermined her, etc.  Sure, I probably did to an extent, but at the end of the day, it's me and my fiance paying for it.  She texted me telling me that she doesn't like how I plan things and that she has much more experience in hospitality than I do.  I told her, that I know she is good at it and that I appreciated that she tried.  I explained that sometimes, things like this work out with the couple is directly involved.

Anyway, so yes, I went directly to the source and got what I wanted but was this really that bad?

Re: Negotiations and Exasperations with Room Block

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited May 2015

    Well, I think that I would have set clearer boundaries up front.  I realize that you tried to make nice with her to get her off your back and for your FI and his family's sake, but obviously that didn't work too well if she's complaining that you're "undermining her." 

    At this point, I think I'd let the hotel block go, but I'd sit down with her and let her know that from now on, you and your FI have things under control and will let her know if you need her assistance, and that complaining behind your back is not okay.  Also, I'd remind her that while you appreciate her desire to be of help, this is not her wedding to plan, it's yours and your FI's, and while you appreciate her help, it's 1) up to you and your FI to pay for the wedding, not her, and 2) the "boundaries" she's claiming you "overstepped" and "undermined" were not hers to set and in fact, she undermined you and overstepped your boundaries.  The decisions to be made for your wedding are for you and your FI to make, not her, regardless of how much more experience she thinks she has.

    I think you also need to get your FI to back you up and make clear to her that the two of you are a couple, and it's not okay for her to do end runs around you to him. 

    huskypuppy14SP29anjemon[Deleted User]
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your FSIL sounds a bit cray-cray to me. Why does she want to be so involved? I can understand wanting to help out with getting decorations together or tying bows on favors or stuffing envelopes but seriously everything else she needs to just back away from.

    I don't care how much "experience" she has in hospitality you aren't her client and you haven't contracted to have her as your event planner so you had ever right to do what you did.

    I would have your FI tell her that you both appreciate her wanting to help but that when it comes to wedding plans you have it covered.

    PrettyGirlLostnovella1186haleyk620
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Your FSIL sounds crazy to me and I, personally, would want he to back the hell off my planning. I'd minimize wedding talk with her and not give her any more responsibilities.


    PrettyGirlLost
  • My fiance was a little blindsided by this sudden rant by his sister so he told me that all he said to his sister was 

    "Look, she's fine with you helping out.  She just happened to have the conversation with the sales manager because she was already on the phone with him.  She probably just felt that maybe if she tried, he would consider giving her a discount since she's the bride.  ______ always tells me how much she appreciates you helping out."

    FI doesn't like drama but will deal with it if he has to.
  • Hello All,

    I've been lurking a little bit and have gotten some great advice from these boards.  This is my first post so I just ask you go a little easy on me hehehe.  Wedding planning and logistics is tough enough.

    So when I first started the planning process and picked my bridesmaids, my fiance's sister (FSIL and bridesmaid) was ready to jump at the chance to start organizing everything and was stating her case to me because the last wedding she was in (as MOH), the bride didn't want to do much so she did almost everything.  I'm already hearing from my other bridesmaids and MOH that she tries to control everything.

    I like to plan and be hands-on for an event I'm hosting but so that she feels she can help organize something, I let her do our room block.  However, I told her that if there are any contracts to sign, that I would like either me or my fiance to look it over first and sign it under one of our names.  In addition, even though it's not required by me or my fiance, we plan on hosting a brunch the next day to say goodbye to everyone since there will be quite a few people traveling out of state and we can afford it.  However, I always try to negotiate prices a bit since it doesn't hurt to ask.  She told me that she would negotiate the brunch price because we had so many people.  Well, in short, I felt like she didn't really try.  She sent me the email of her "negotiation", which read "Hi (sales manager), the bride wants to know if you can reduce the price of brunch.  Thanks."

    If I were the sales manager, that's an easy "No" for me, which was what his answer was to her.  I guess I was a little peeved because I felt like I would've tried a little harder.  Anyway, I haven't signed the contract for brunch yet.  A few weeks later, I called the manager myself because. I had a number of questions about other things and had to block some rooms for my family anyway.  

    So after all of my other questions and him confirming the number of rooms so far, I say "So, I'm having a pretty big wedding as you can see and giving you a lot of business.  I was interested in hosting a brunch, but do you think we can work something out on the price?  I know $_____ is the price on the contract but its a little out of my price range (not really but I had to lay it on).  I'd be really happy if you can do a little better."  Boom, I got a discount right there.  That shaved off at least $200+.  Not much but it adds up and I'll take what I can get.

    I let my FSIL know that I had blocked rooms for my family and also let her know that I talked to him about brunch and that he has offered me a discount.  She said "ok".  But I guess she wasn't okay with it because she told my fiance that I overstepped my boundaries and that I undermined her, etc.  Sure, I probably did to an extent, but at the end of the day, it's me and my fiance paying for it.  She texted me telling me that she doesn't like how I plan things and that she has much more experience in hospitality than I do.  I told her, that I know she is good at it and that I appreciated that she tried.  I explained that sometimes, things like this work out with the couple is directly involved.

    Anyway, so yes, I went directly to the source and got what I wanted but was this really that bad?
    You "overstepped your boundaries"? That is hilarious. Considering it's your wedding that you are planning and paying for (by "you" I mean both you and your FI) I don't see how it's possible to overstep any planning boundaries. Unless of course you tried to plan your own shower or something but that's a different thing. 

    Next time she gets pushy, you need to be very clear, honest, and firm with her. "I appreciate everything you want to do, but this wedding is for FI and I, and we really want to do the planning ourselves." 

    She's the one crossing boundaries. Stop letting her do that because it will only get worse. Your FI might need to sit her down again and have a real talk with her about how over-bearing she's being. Helping with someone else's wedding does not give her the be-all end-all authority to control everything for your wedding. 
    image
  • Jen4948 said:
    2) the "boundaries" she's claiming you "overstepped" and "undermined" were not hers to set
    QFT
    SP29
  • huskypuppy14huskypuppy14 Boston Suburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2015
    Hello All,

    I've been lurking a little bit and have gotten some great advice from these boards.  This is my first post so I just ask you go a little easy on me hehehe.  Wedding planning and logistics is tough enough.

    So when I first started the planning process and picked my bridesmaids, my fiance's sister (FSIL and bridesmaid) was ready to jump at the chance to start organizing everything and was stating her case to me because the last wedding she was in (as MOH), the bride didn't want to do much so she did almost everything.  I'm already hearing from my other bridesmaids and MOH that she tries to control everything.

    I like to plan and be hands-on for an event I'm hosting but so that she feels she can help organize something, I let her do our room block.  However, I told her that if there are any contracts to sign, that I would like either me or my fiance to look it over first and sign it under one of our names.  In addition, even though it's not required by me or my fiance, we plan on hosting a brunch the next day to say goodbye to everyone since there will be quite a few people traveling out of state and we can afford it.  However, I always try to negotiate prices a bit since it doesn't hurt to ask.  She told me that she would negotiate the brunch price because we had so many people.  Well, in short, I felt like she didn't really try.  She sent me the email of her "negotiation", which read "Hi (sales manager), the bride wants to know if you can reduce the price of brunch.  Thanks."

    If I were the sales manager, that's an easy "No" for me, which was what his answer was to her.  I guess I was a little peeved because I felt like I would've tried a little harder.  Anyway, I haven't signed the contract for brunch yet.  A few weeks later, I called the manager myself because. I had a number of questions about other things and had to block some rooms for my family anyway.  

    So after all of my other questions and him confirming the number of rooms so far, I say "So, I'm having a pretty big wedding as you can see and giving you a lot of business.  I was interested in hosting a brunch, but do you think we can work something out on the price?  I know $_____ is the price on the contract but its a little out of my price range (not really but I had to lay it on).  I'd be really happy if you can do a little better."  Boom, I got a discount right there.  That shaved off at least $200+.  Not much but it adds up and I'll take what I can get.

    I let my FSIL know that I had blocked rooms for my family and also let her know that I talked to him about brunch and that he has offered me a discount.  She said "ok".  But I guess she wasn't okay with it because she told my fiance that I overstepped my boundaries and that I undermined her, etc.  Sure, I probably did to an extent, but at the end of the day, it's me and my fiance paying for it.  She texted me telling me that she doesn't like how I plan things and that she has much more experience in hospitality than I do.  I told her, that I know she is good at it and that I appreciated that she tried.  I explained that sometimes, things like this work out with the couple is directly involved.

    Anyway, so yes, I went directly to the source and got what I wanted but was this really that bad?



    I find the bolded laughable, because you got the discount she didn't. Sounds like you know what you're doing.

    And who gives a shit if she likes how you plan things. It's not her wedding.

    PP are correct. Your wedding, your decisions. Don't give her any more control over anything else.


    image
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  • It seems like you handled the situation well. I also find it humorous that FSIL thinks you overstepped your boundaries...HELLOOOOO. It's your wedding. You can do whatever the hell you want and don't have to ask her permission ever.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Uh, what? FSIL sounds a bit cray-cray. 

    I think you handled it well, but I would respond back to her just to set the boundaries now. "FSIL, I really appreciate your willingness to help, but FI and I are hosting this wedding and ultimately all contracts and negotiations should be dealt with by us."

    I REALLY like what @Jen4948 said about boundaries- you couldn't have overstepped your boundaries, because they are not her boundaries to set. I would throw something about that in there too. 

    It is good to keep some peace, but since you are still planning, I think I would nip this in the bud in case she decides to get crazy about other stuff too. 
    [Deleted User]
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