PPD's: "I've never seen it done any other way"

Bubblegum5586

ShesSoCold said:

I also got a lot of confusion on marriage license =/= married. 

H and I took the morning off work to go get our marriage license. When I came into the office, several people congratulated me and said, "So it's legal now?!" Um. No. It's a blank piece of paper. 

Isn't the license to give you the ability to get married and the marriage certificate is what says you are married?

BouxRadley

randomslove said:

Is she in a military-heavy area? It's the (terrible) norm here and pisses me off that people actually think marrying a service member for the benefits is okay. One of my female friends who I served with was asked once why she joined when she could just marry a Marin and get all the benefits that way.

Yeah... I hate this. We're pretty sure this is why my 19 year old Marine cousin's "fiancee" is pushing for a wedding before his deployment. (they've been together like 6 months...maybe) 

I used to get this all the time and it's actually really common. Like, "Thanks for your service, but my God are you an over-achiever. You didn't really have to go through all that." I even had one chick in a bar one time refer to boot as the equivalent of going to college to get a MRS degree. Like, yeah, I joined just to find a man.

julieanne912

randomslove said:

Is she in a military-heavy area? It's the (terrible) norm here and pisses me off that people actually think marrying a service member for the benefits is okay. One of my female friends who I served with was asked once why she joined when she could just marry a Marin and get all the benefits that way.

...
...
What?

In my opinion, if the benefits of marrying someone for healthcare, etc., are that good, you should join yourself. Even if you're in a relationship and -maybe- headed for marriage, don't get married sooner for the benefits. Those rarely work. I have watched countless of those "but we really care about each other and this way we can stay together and move in together and so-and-so will have healthcare, etc." marriages fail.

My cousin has done this.  3 times.  She's now on husband #4 who isn't active duty so maybe she actually loves him?  I don't know.  She's around 30 years old by the way.

lovemesomemonster

The marrying your military SO for the benefits thing irritates me beyond reason! I have seen it fail with my friends more than I would have liked to. I also had amazing neighbors that didn't rush it and are one of the happiest couples I know. He is in the air force and they waited until they were ready, not just so she could move with him, she just found a job with benefits where he was moved to and if she couldn't she hung back for a while. My FI is gone frequently for work and was moved a year and a half ago to a new area, we were not engaged but had been living together for 4.5yrs. I didn't know if I could keep my job and work from home but the LAST thing on my mind was "well you better marry me so I have benefits if you plan on moving me". I'm an adult, I can figure it out, and we can do distance until I figure it out if that's what it takes. 

julieanne912

lovemesomemonster said:

The marrying your military SO for the benefits thing irritates me beyond reason! I have seen it fail with my friends more than I would have liked to. I also had amazing neighbors that didn't rush it and are one of the happiest couples I know. He is in the air force and they waited until they were ready, not just so she could move with him, she just found a job with benefits where he was moved to and if she couldn't she hung back for a while. My FI is gone frequently for work and was moved a year and a half ago to a new area, we were not engaged but had been living together for 4.5yrs. I didn't know if I could keep my job and work from home but the LAST thing on my mind was "well you better marry me so I have benefits if you plan on moving me". I'm an adult, I can figure it out, and we can do distance until I figure it out if that's what it takes. 

This.  Even after marriage I won't be on FI's insurance, so I don't get the whole "marry for benefits" thing.  Get your own damn insurance, it's not that hard to do, especially nowadays with all the subsidies etc. that are available if it's not provided through work.

NowIAmSyp

redoryx said:

yogapants said:

One of my friends is getting married next month- she is the sweetest, kindest girl in the world.  And she has a three-hour gap.  Ugh!!  

I bit my tongue when she was talking about it.  A gap is pretty freaking bad, but I just couldn't do it.  However- if she had talked about honeyfunds/dollar dances or something on that level, I don't think I could hold back

A 3-hour gap is way more rude to guests than a honeyfund or even a dollar dance.

Agreed. I don't have to participate in a honeyfund or dollar dance, but there's no way of getting out of a gap. 

This is a good point- because I am most definitely stuck with the gap...  

twoleighs

Bubblegum5586 said:

ShesSoCold said:

I also got a lot of confusion on marriage license =/= married. 

H and I took the morning off work to go get our marriage license. When I came into the office, several people congratulated me and said, "So it's legal now?!" Um. No. It's a blank piece of paper. 

Isn't the license to give you the ability to get married and the marriage certificate is what says you are married?

This is how it works where I am (TN).  We went to the county clerk to get the license and we both had to sign it there.  Then our officiant and a witness signed it after our ceremony and our officiant turned it in.  Then we got the certificate in the mail.

It's hard not to eyeroll when people need to see a copy of my "license" for my name change or proof we're married.  No, you need a copy of my *certificate*.  Sheesh.  

randomslove

Y'all have restored my hope in humanity by agreeing that marrying a service member for benefits is wrong. Thank you. I'm so relieved for this. I'm told all the time how wrong it is that I don't agree with it.

pinupbride6189

I was a groomsmaid in a wedding last year. It was an evening wedding, and the WP had been at the venue since at least 1 or 2 in the afternoon to get ready, take pictures, etc. shop we do the ceremony, which was beautiful, take more pictures, and head back inside for the reception, only to find that...there's no food. Just cake and soda. The cake was pretty good, but good god I ate way more than I would have liked to because I was so damn hungry.

pinupbride6189

BouxRadley said:

randomslove said:

Is she in a military-heavy area? It's the (terrible) norm here and pisses me off that people actually think marrying a service member for the benefits is okay. One of my female friends who I served with was asked once why she joined when she could just marry a Marin and get all the benefits that way.

Yeah... I hate this. We're pretty sure this is why my 19 year old Marine cousin's "fiancee" is pushing for a wedding before his deployment. (they've been together like 6 months...maybe) 

I used to get this all the time and it's actually really common. Like, "Thanks for your service, but my God are you an over-achiever. You didn't really have to go through all that." I even had one chick in a bar one time refer to boot as the equivalent of going to college to get a MRS degree. Like, yeah, I joined just to find a man.

--BOXES--

FI and I are both active duty, and we know SO many people who are going the PPD route, because it's normal. One of my BMs actually did it (a very, very sweet girl, who is otherwise very polite and conscious of etiquette) and her mother actually told her NOT to tell her if she had gotten married before her "wedding" because she wanted to believe she was watching her actually get married.

Several members of FI's family have actually told us that we should "have a small ceremony now for military and tax purposes, and have the big shebang next April. No one needs to know except you two and the witnesses." Cause you know, lying to family is no big deal. FMIL & FFIL did it, so it's practically a family tradition, right?

On an unrelated note, I will say that with as self important and outright rude as the FILs have been through this process, if we, and more importantly, my parents hadn't already sunk so much money into planning, and if it wouldn't crush my family, I'd be at the court house getting married bright and early on Monday morning (and NOT planning a PPD) just so that it wouldn't be up for discussion anymore.

Edited because boxes.

anniecm5

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

[Deleted User]

anniecm5 said:

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

Is this a same sex couple? I feel like my opinion hinges on that answer. Commitment ceremonies for couples who cannot be legally married I am okay with because the law is still fucked up. But if it is a couple who can legally be married and just wants to make a point while also having a massive party and getting gifts...well, that seems like a whole other situation to me.

ETF: Spelling

anniecm5

abcdevonn said:

anniecm5 said:

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

Is this a same sex couple? I feel like my opinion hinges on that answer. Commitment ceremonies for couples who cannot be legally married I am okay with because the law is still fucked up. But if it is a couple who can legally be married and just wants to make a point while also having a massive party and getting gifts...well, that seems like a whole other situation to me.

ETF: Spelling

Nope. They did it out of protest on behalf of same sex couples but aren't a same sex couple themselves. They refer to themselves as being married as of that date, have legally changed names, etc. 

RezIpsa

anniecm5 said:

abcdevonn said:

anniecm5 said:

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

Is this a same sex couple? I feel like my opinion hinges on that answer. Commitment ceremonies for couples who cannot be legally married I am okay with because the law is still fucked up. But if it is a couple who can legally be married and just wants to make a point while also having a massive party and getting gifts...well, that seems like a whole other situation to me.

ETF: Spelling

Nope. They did it out of protest on behalf of same sex couples but aren't a same sex couple themselves. They refer to themselves as being married as of that date, have legally changed names, etc. 

----------------------
I'm not sure how it is a "protest" if they didn't make clear what was happening. Which makes it sound like the "protest" is a cover story for a PPD gift grab.

[Deleted User]

RezIpsa said:

abcdevonn said:

anniecm5 said:

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

Is this a same sex couple? I feel like my opinion hinges on that answer. Commitment ceremonies for couples who cannot be legally married I am okay with because the law is still fucked up. But if it is a couple who can legally be married and just wants to make a point while also having a massive party and getting gifts...well, that seems like a whole other situation to me.

ETF: Spelling

Nope. They did it out of protest on behalf of same sex couples but aren't a same sex couple themselves. They refer to themselves as being married as of that date, have legally changed names, etc. 

---------------------- I'm not sure how it is a "protest" if they didn't make clear what was happening. Which makes it sound like the "protest" is a cover story for a PPD gift grab.

Yeah, to me that's just not okay. I think it's being disingenuous to your guests and also seems somehow selfish. I don't know how to explain it but if you're going to "stick it to the man" and protest marriage until it's equal for everyone, then it seems to follow suit that you can't have a big party and change your names and do everything else. I feel like that is flaunting you ability to choose and the luxury of having that opportunity. 

I'm really not articulating this properly, but in my opinion it is NOT okay.

jacques27

anniecm5 said:

abcdevonn said:

anniecm5 said:

This isn't quite a PPD I guess, but curious what you guys all think about people not even getting legally married at all but having wedding parties and a ceremony that is pretty much just a commitment ceremony. Are you obligated to be up-front about this with guests? 

I have some friends who I attended a wedding for and it doesn't bother me at all really (I understood their reasons once we discussed - they were essentially protesting government involvement in their marriage for personal/equality reasons) but I did think it was odd that they didn't tell anyone it wasn't actually a legal marriage at the time and that they didn't call it a commitment ceremony or something other than a marriage. Thoughts? 

Is this a same sex couple? I feel like my opinion hinges on that answer. Commitment ceremonies for couples who cannot be legally married I am okay with because the law is still fucked up. But if it is a couple who can legally be married and just wants to make a point while also having a massive party and getting gifts...well, that seems like a whole other situation to me.

ETF: Spelling

Nope. They did it out of protest on behalf of same sex couples but aren't a same sex couple themselves. They refer to themselves as being married as of that date, have legally changed names, etc. 

That just sounds like AW'ing and finding a convenient excuse to make your party seem more acceptable.  I know of two couples engaging in such a protest.  One couple has been engaged for 10 years, live together, and politely state only when asked "Why aren't you married yet?" that they'll get married when everyone in the in the U.S. is free to marry the person they love.  The other couple quietly went off and eloped in a country that does allow same-sex marriage because they didn't want to marry in a state/country that didn't recognize all unions (at the time, there may have one been one state here and it was still very much undetermined whether it would stay that way).  They don't feel the need to flaunt it, but when asked why they chose to marry there, they'll tell people the reason.

What your friends did seems like such an empty gesture and disrespecting the legal rights that others are fighting so hard to have themselves.

As for PPDs themselves, I'm just against AW'ing in general, so it's not my cup of tea.  My ability to tolerate them is entirely dependent on the attitude and the honesty of the couple though.  If you act like the PPD is your "real" wedding and don't have any respect for "just the paperwork" that provided you all the rights and responsibilities of binding your life to another human being, then I see no reason why I should respect your marriage if you don't.  And I just don't abide liars.  Ever.  For anything.  I don't care if you have "reasons" - once I know you're a liar, we're done because I will forever question what other things you might be lying about.