Distant Mom and Maid of honor. PROBLEMS! HELP!

Knottie74976966

This could be a very long drawn out explanation, but ill shorten it for sanitys sake. So I got engaged last october, Im getting married this october. My maid of honor, aka, my sister, and my mother have been completely mia in this whole wedding planning business. At first i tried to involve them by asking little questions, trying to make them feel involved, they would either, a. ignore me completely, to my face. Or b. tell me its not their business and they would rather not discuss my wedding with me...So then I just completely gave up, Stopped asking about it, stopped talking about my wedding to them...My mom and i over the last few years have drifted apart, and although i desperately seek a relationship with my little sister, she is totally uninterested in ever having a relationship with me...when she was 16, she had a baby, and had a courthouse marriage to her husband. I supported her, and tried to make it really special for her. All of that was eclipsed by her total inadequacy to appreciate people who love her....So im not entirely surprised by her lack of enthusiasm for my wedding....The kicker. My mom and sister, completely have refused to look for dresses. My sister is my MAID OF HONOR. All my other bridesmaids ordered their dresses, and have received them  already, and when i ask my sister when i can take her out to look, she makes excuses. My mom does the same. They haven't even begun looking. Also, my bridesmaids have tried contacting my sister about wedding duties, and pre wedding parties...My sister hasn't gotten back to them. Its looking like I wont even have a bachlorette party at this point. I have exhausted all of my techniques,....and yes, i have even told them, i was hurt, and how i have been the only one planning my wedding...I even had to have my fiance go to my first dress fitting with me, because i was having a panic attack, and my family wouldnt go with me. I have spent hours doing diy crafts, labeling envelopes, writing names, which i dont mind doing, but im tired of feeling alone in the process...does anyone else have a distant, uninterested family member? how do you deal with it?

P.s, a few months ago, my brother in law, re proposed to my sister, and now she is thinking of planning a second wedding. Which was actually made a big deal...my mom even announced it on facebook, with pride and grandeur! 

levioosa

creasesinpaper said:

This could be a very long drawn out explanation, but ill shorten it for sanitys sake. So I got engaged last october, Im getting married this october. My maid of honor, aka, my sister, and my mother have been completely mia in this whole wedding planning business. At first i tried to involve them by asking little questions, trying to make them feel involved, they would either, a. ignore me completely, to my face. Or b. tell me its not their business and they would rather not discuss my wedding with me...So then I just completely gave up, Stopped asking about it, stopped talking about my wedding to them...My mom and i over the last few years have drifted apart, and although i desperately seek a relationship with my little sister, she is totally uninterested in ever having a relationship with me...when she was 16, she had a baby, and had a courthouse marriage to her husband. I supported her, and tried to make it really special for her. All of that was eclipsed by her total inadequacy to appreciate people who love her....So im not entirely surprised by her lack of enthusiasm for my wedding....The kicker. My mom and sister, completely have refused to look for dresses. My sister is my MAID OF HONOR. All my other bridesmaids ordered their dresses, and have received them  already, and when i ask my sister when i can take her out to look, she makes excuses. My mom does the same. They haven't even begun looking. Also, my bridesmaids have tried contacting my sister about wedding duties, and pre wedding parties...My sister hasn't gotten back to them. Its looking like I wont even have a bachlorette party at this point. I have exhausted all of my techniques,....and yes, i have even told them, i was hurt, and how i have been the only one planning my wedding...I even had to have my fiance go to my first dress fitting with me, because i was having a panic attack, and my family wouldnt go with me. I have spent hours doing diy crafts, labeling envelopes, writing names, which i dont mind doing, but im tired of feeling alone in the process...does anyone else have a distant, uninterested family member? how do you deal with it?

P.s, a few months ago, my brother in law, re proposed to my sister, and now she is thinking of planning a second wedding. Which was actually made a big deal...my mom even announced it on facebook, with pride and grandeur! 

No one is required to throw you any parties, pay for, plan or help you make anything. The only thing your bp is required to do is show up, on time, sober and in the right attire. That's it. Everything else is on you and your Fi. Your mom and sister have straight up told you they don't care to discuss wedding related things, so back off. Wedding discussions aren't for everyone, and if your original post is any indication, you've been bugging them about it for awhile. Let your sister know where she can buy the dress and then drop it. If she doesn't buy it then she has removed herself from the wedding party, but you can't kick her out. I'm sorry you feel alone, but where is your FI in all of this? He is the one who should be helping you plan the wedding, including all of the crafts.

The wedding industry will try to tell you that everyone should be over the moon excited about your wedding from the day you get engaged until months after the wedding. That simply is unrealistic. The wedding industry also tries to make money off of you by telling you that everything needs to be "an event." You don't need an entourage for a fitting. If you are having panic attacks about a dress fitting you need to take a step back from wedding planning. The only thing that matters is that at the end of the day you will be married to your fi. The only requirements of the wedding are that you properly host anyone present, and that you and your fi and the jop/chaplain are there. That's it.

Honestly, you seem really judgemental about your family. Your bp is supposed to consist of your nearest and dearest. It doesn't sound like you even care for your sister. And why are you micromanaging your mom's clothes? You don't get a say with what she wears. Your wedding isn't until October. Maybe she is trying to get in shape, or maybe she just doesn't feel like shopping for it right now.

Jen4948

Sadly, some family members just can't be counted on to be supportive and happy for their relatives who are getting married. Sometimes they're not into weddings; sometimes there are other issues at play. In any case, as long as your sister gets whatever dress you decide on and shows up at the wedding in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, that's really all you can expect from her because she had no other duties as your MOH. Same thing with your mother, only you don't get to pick her dress. So since they've indicated that they don't want to talk about your wedding or help you plan it, I'd take them at their word and stop trying to involve them in conversations about your plans. Just pick a dress for your sister, or a style and color, email it to your sister, and let her shop for it on her own time. And find friends who do feel enthusiastic about your wedding to accompany you on shopping trips if you don't want to go by yourself or with your FI.

AddieCake

I don't understand why you asked your sister to be your MOH when you are not at all close and she has no interest in a relationship with you, but that ship has sailed. Moving forward, just stop discussing the wedding with them except to give them necessary info. Don't worry about them and enjoy it with those who DO care.

artbyallie

Why do your bridesmaids all have their dresses in May for an October wedding? Your MOH has plenty of time.

You can't force anyone, even family, to take an interest in your wedding.

pegasuskat

Its still early to stress about her dress, give her a date and if she doesn't order it then she took herself out of the wedding. 

I get being hurt that your mom and sister are so distant, but it seems like this is the way they were before the wedding planning started so don't expect them to change.  I don't blame you for how you feel but you have to put it past you and just accept they don't want to be involved, its their lose.  I as a MOB loved working with my daughter and look forward to the younger DD one day.  Some parents just aren't that way, I'm sorry and hope you are able to just enjoy planning your wedding with your FI and friends.  

Maggie0829

I don't understand why you are still pushing them to be excited about your wedding.  They told you they don't want to be involved.  So instead of trying to get them to be excited and do shit for you why not focus on those people who are excited and willing to help you out?

Also, no one is required to help you with your wedding EXCEPT your FI.  There are no wedding party duties.  There are no wedding party requirements.  If your other BMs can't get a hold of your sister then they are free to plan whatever party they want without her input/money.

I think you need to accept that your family is just not that into your wedding.  It happens and it sucks, but until you accept it and move on you will be creating unnecessary stress on yourself over the next couple of months.

augsum15

No one is required to do anything but you and FI. If they're not gonna look for dresses oh well. If they show up on the wedding day ready to go, great. If not, well you clearly know now that they're not gung-ho about the whole thing so the least you can do is prepare yourself for them not showing up.

The rest of your wedding party needs to stop contacting them for stuff. If they're voluntarily planning stuff (ie shower, stagette) WITHOUT your influence, then they can plan it. They shouldn't be contacting sister or mum about planning stuff when they do not have to. 

CMGragain

You are worried about your bachelorette party?  Many people don't get one.  No one is obligated to plan and host one for you.  I think you need to get back to basics.

CMGragain

creasesinpaper said:

This could be a very long drawn out explanation, but ill shorten it for sanitys sake. So I got engaged last october, Im getting married this october. My maid of honor, aka, my sister, and my mother have been completely mia in this whole wedding planning business. At first i tried to involve them by asking little questions, trying to make them feel involved, they would either, a. ignore me completely, to my face. Or b. tell me its not their business and they would rather not discuss my wedding with me...So then I just completely gave up, Stopped asking about it, stopped talking about my wedding to them...My mom and i over the last few years have drifted apart, and although i desperately seek a relationship with my little sister, she is totally uninterested in ever having a relationship with me...when she was 16, she had a baby, and had a courthouse marriage to her husband. I supported her, and tried to make it really special for her. All of that was eclipsed by her total inadequacy to appreciate people who love her....So im not entirely surprised by her lack of enthusiasm for my wedding....The kicker. My mom and sister, completely have refused to look for dresses. My sister is my MAID OF HONOR. All my other bridesmaids ordered their dresses, and have received them  already, and when i ask my sister when i can take her out to look, she makes excuses. My mom does the same. They haven't even begun looking. Also, my bridesmaids have tried contacting my sister about wedding duties, and pre wedding parties...My sister hasn't gotten back to them. Its looking like I wont even have a bachlorette party at this point. I have exhausted all of my techniques,....and yes, i have even told them, i was hurt, and how i have been the only one planning my wedding...I even had to have my fiance go to my first dress fitting with me, because i was having a panic attack, and my family wouldnt go with me. I have spent hours doing diy crafts, labeling envelopes, writing names, which i dont mind doing, but im tired of feeling alone in the process...does anyone else have a distant, uninterested family member? how do you deal with it?

P.s, a few months ago, my brother in law, re proposed to my sister, and now she is thinking of planning a second wedding. Which was actually made a big deal...my mom even announced it on facebook, with pride and grandeur! 

Your bridesmaids are not your unpaid wedding planners.  They so not have any duties other than showing up on time, sober, dressed in the chosen dress, and to smile for the camera.

JerseyBeachGal22

I just can't get over why you would have your sister as your MOH when you are not close by any means; that is mind boggling! Also, why are you expecting anything emotional or physical out of your mom and sister when YOU have even made it clear you have drifted apart and neither want to be involved...