Wedding Etiquette Forum

My Brothers Wedding

Hello Ladies,

I’ve been a long time lurker here and now I need advice. Please go easy on me!!

My brother is getting married next year to a nice girl. My husband and I will be paying for the majority of the wedding. My mom is helping some and my father is paying for the photographer. The bride has no family and she’s still paying off her mother’s funeral costs, so without our help they wouldn’t be able to have a wedding. We don’t mind paying and we are able to. Of course, I wouldn’t mind saving where we can. 

I work in the party business and I have a lot of connections. Some of these connections, also really good friends, have already reached out to me and offered their services at greatly reduced prices for the wedding. A venue owner has offered his venue that holds up to 300 people for less than $400. My moms best friend is a caterer, who also catered my wedding, has offered her services at just the cost of the food. Same with a florist, who just said pay for the flowers and she’d do the rest. Obviously if we were to use their services I would pay them something and also have my brother write a TY card and tip them or give a nice gift.  

Would it be wrong/pushy of us to nicely suggest my brother and his FI use these services? I don’t want the bride to feel like this isn’t her wedding (I have no interest in her colors, dress choices, food choices, how the flowers will look, invites etc etc. She can choose what she wants when it comes to all that), but I also don’t want to spend loads of money on services that I can get for a better price.

In addition, if it is not wrong/pushy, how should I word it? I’ve always been blunt and direct, but nice, with my brother on all things, but his FI is rather "sensitive". Should I just mention it when she’s not around so that I can be blunt and direct? Or should she be there and I just need to be careful so I don’t hurt her feelings? Thanks!

Re: My Brothers Wedding

  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Money comes with strings attached, so I think you are perfectly fine in giving suggestions of vendors and how you want money spent.  Could you say to your brother, or him and his fiancee, "We are able to contribute X amount for a venue. . . . I know this vendor can do it for that amount or you can choose one comparable."  That way you are giving them some freedom while staying within a comfortable price range for you.
  • The general rule is that she/he who pays gets a say. You're paying, so you get a say. There's nothing wrong with letting your brother and his FI know what was offered and that you'd prefer to take advantage of those great offers. 

    Have you all sat down to discuss a budget? If you're clear with them on the budget, then they'll be able to make a way more informed decision. For example, if you're able to give them $5,000 towards the wedding, then they can use that money to book all the things you've been offered at those super awesome prices, or they can blow the entire $5,000 on just flowers. KWIM? 

    If I were that bride, personally I'd rather choose the options that will make those dollars go much further, so I'd appreciate knowing up-front what the costs are and what the budget is, etc. 
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  • I think you're within your right to request those venues be used, for the reasons stated, and with the wording stated above. 

    Food is food and flowers are flowers; it's not like you're saying, "You have to have the grilled chicken with hericot verts and you can only have pink roses."

    Surely the happy couple can pick out food and flowers to their liking with these vendors, and even find a way to personalize the venue to their liking. 
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  • If you are going to pay for your brother's wedding, you need to start by having an honest and frank conversation with him about budget, what elements you will pay for, and what hard rules you have. It's very easy to have conflict when you have one idea and he has another. It's up to him whether he wants to have this conversation with or without his FI, but I would think that they'd both want to be part of this. 

    When you go through the budget and tell them how much you are willing to contribute, it's perfectly fine to give them the list of price deals you can get and offer those numbers as caps on what you will contribute. They can use your friends and get your deals or they can spend the money with other vendors. If they want something more expensive, they can pay the difference. 

    Don't leave budget as an open number. It's impossible for them to do any real planning if they don't know what they're working with, and your expenses can quickly get out of hand if you don't have a firm number up front.  
  • The safest thing for you to do is figure out how much money you're willing to contribute and offer that, no strings attached.  Then also offer the services of your friends and just merely say "Because I'm in the industry, these are the deals I can arrange for you through my friends, which means the money is going to stretch a lot further and maybe some other things can get upgraded."  They can either take you up on those offers or use the money however they see fit - maybe they would rather have a cake and punch reception and use the money towards a honeymoon? 

    Does it mean you might end up spending more overall if they max out the entire amount you say rather than you putting limitations on their vendors to save money?  Potentially, but it's the safest way to ensure you don't go over your budget and keep relations happy. 

    Otherwise, you certain are free to say "I'm paying for anything and everything, but I would really appreciate if we could use my friends for X, Y, and Z services because we can get a really great deal."  As the person financing the wedding, you are well within your rights to say that.  Hopefully they are reasonable people who can appreciate a good deal when they see one, but then you have to be prepared to be a little more forceful the second time around if they don't like those options and say "I'm only paying if we use X, Y, and Z" or be prepared to let it go and pay more if they turn it down and you're not willing to withhold the money altogether. 

    Whatever way you approach it, I wouldn't do it only with your brother around.  She may be overly sensitive, but nothing says "I'm excluding you from your own wedding planning" like actually excluding her from the budget talks.


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