Wedding Etiquette Forum

Plus one problems :-(

Hello everyone -

Long time lurker, first time poster here. I'm getting married in 6 weeks (yay!) and our RSVPs were due back last week. Of course, there were a handful that were late (expected!), but when we followed them up I was a little bit disappointed.

The first issue is my FH's cousin, who doesn't have a steady girlfriend, so would like to bring his ex (exact words: "don't know who I'll bring yet. Probably Danielle.") Am I being ridiculous in feeling a bit put-out by that? I suppose we shouldn't have given him a plus-one knowing he was single but I think I was thinking he might have got a girlfriend in the meantime. We're paying a lot per head on food and booze for the table, and I find it a bit galling that he seems to be bringing someone for the sake of it. Given that he's my FH's cousin, he will know ~70% of the guests, so he wouldn't be lonely.... Anyway. On top of that, we need to confirm numbers with the caterers and the bus company, so I'm not liking the "probably" (FH messaged him to say that he seating plans are now printed so if he finds a new girlfriend in the meantime, she'd better be called Danielle too!!)... I feel like I'm being a b*tch - confirmation?!

Second issue: a pal of my FH who literally has just started dating a girl and doesn't know "if it'll last for the next 6 weeks. Would it be an issue if I RSVP as two of us, then she doesn't come?" Well first, yes. We're having table plans and while I'm aware that there might be emergencies that mean late cancellations, I'd rather not have someone on the guest list who is already a bit wobbly! I hate the idea of loads of empty seats (yet we have to have a seating plan for complex family reasons!)... Anyway, my FH tactfully explained that yes, that would be a problem - he would prefer if he didn't bring her at all if he was already unsure at this stage whether she was actually going to come. We gave him a couple of days to think about it; then he came back saying yes, he'd take her, oh, and p.s. she's strict coeliac. so firstly I'm cross he didn't RSVP in time, then I'm cross he wants to bring a girl that he's not even sure he'll be with in 6 weeks, then I'm cross that he RSVPd late for a person who has strict dietary requirements!!

TL;DR - I wish I hadn't given our single guests plus-ones. But I did - so am I now being unreasonable in feeling disappointed in their choices? I feel like the answer is yes :-(

Re: Plus one problems :-(

  • Hello everyone - Long time lurker, first time poster here. I'm getting married in 6 weeks (yay!) and our RSVPs were due back last week. Of course, there were a handful that were late (expected!), but when we followed them up I was a little bit disappointed. The first issue is my FH's cousin, who doesn't have a steady girlfriend, so would like to bring his ex (exact words: "don't know who I'll bring yet. Probably Danielle.") Am I being ridiculous in feeling a bit put-out by that? I suppose we shouldn't have given him a plus-one knowing he was single but I think I was thinking he might have got a girlfriend in the meantime. We're paying a lot per head on food and booze for the table, and I find it a bit galling that he seems to be bringing someone for the sake of it. Given that he's my FH's cousin, he will know ~70% of the guests, so he wouldn't be lonely.... Anyway. On top of that, we need to confirm numbers with the caterers and the bus company, so I'm not liking the "probably" (FH messaged him to say that he seating plans are now printed so if he finds a new girlfriend in the meantime, she'd better be called Danielle too!!)... I feel like I'm being a b*tch - confirmation?! Second issue: a pal of my FH who literally has just started dating a girl and doesn't know "if it'll last for the next 6 weeks. Would it be an issue if I RSVP as two of us, then she doesn't come?" Well first, yes. We're having table plans and while I'm aware that there might be emergencies that mean late cancellations, I'd rather not have someone on the guest list who is already a bit wobbly! I hate the idea of loads of empty seats (yet we have to have a seating plan for complex family reasons!)... Anyway, my FH tactfully explained that yes, that would be a problem - he would prefer if he didn't bring her at all if he was already unsure at this stage whether she was actually going to come. We gave him a couple of days to think about it; then he came back saying yes, he'd take her, oh, and p.s. she's strict coeliac. so firstly I'm cross he didn't RSVP in time, then I'm cross he wants to bring a girl that he's not even sure he'll be with in 6 weeks, then I'm cross that he RSVPd late for a person who has strict dietary requirements!! TL;DR - I wish I hadn't given our single guests plus-ones. But I did - so am I now being unreasonable in feeling disappointed in their choices? I feel like the answer is yes :-(



    But you did give them plus-ones, and it would obviously be rude to say "just kidding, no you can't bring anyone" to your guests. You know that.

    And rsvp deadline 6 weeks before your wedding? That's when I plan to send my invitations at the latest.
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  • Hello everyone - Long time lurker, first time poster here. I'm getting married in 6 weeks (yay!) and our RSVPs were due back last week. Of course, there were a handful that were late (expected!), but when we followed them up I was a little bit disappointed. The first issue is my FH's cousin, who doesn't have a steady girlfriend, so would like to bring his ex (exact words: "don't know who I'll bring yet. Probably Danielle.") Am I being ridiculous in feeling a bit put-out by that? I suppose we shouldn't have given him a plus-one knowing he was single but I think I was thinking he might have got a girlfriend in the meantime. We're paying a lot per head on food and booze for the table, and I find it a bit galling that he seems to be bringing someone for the sake of it. Given that he's my FH's cousin, he will know ~70% of the guests, so he wouldn't be lonely.... Anyway. On top of that, we need to confirm numbers with the caterers and the bus company, so I'm not liking the "probably" (FH messaged him to say that he seating plans are now printed so if he finds a new girlfriend in the meantime, she'd better be called Danielle too!!)... I feel like I'm being a b*tch - confirmation?! Second issue: a pal of my FH who literally has just started dating a girl and doesn't know "if it'll last for the next 6 weeks. Would it be an issue if I RSVP as two of us, then she doesn't come?" Well first, yes. We're having table plans and while I'm aware that there might be emergencies that mean late cancellations, I'd rather not have someone on the guest list who is already a bit wobbly! I hate the idea of loads of empty seats (yet we have to have a seating plan for complex family reasons!)... Anyway, my FH tactfully explained that yes, that would be a problem - he would prefer if he didn't bring her at all if he was already unsure at this stage whether she was actually going to come. We gave him a couple of days to think about it; then he came back saying yes, he'd take her, oh, and p.s. she's strict coeliac. so firstly I'm cross he didn't RSVP in time, then I'm cross he wants to bring a girl that he's not even sure he'll be with in 6 weeks, then I'm cross that he RSVPd late for a person who has strict dietary requirements!! TL;DR - I wish I hadn't given our single guests plus-ones. But I did - so am I now being unreasonable in feeling disappointed in their choices? I feel like the answer is yes :-(
    First off...Am I crazy, or is it a little too soon to be getting your RSVPs back? Is your caterer or venue already requiring final numbers at six weeks out? That just seems pretty far out. Typically invitations go out at about 8 weeks from the wedding, but your RSVPs were due back 7 weeks out? If it were me, I'd still be trying to orchestrate getting time off work and making travel arrangements at that point, and if I were at a precarious point in my relationship, I'd want a little more time to see how things went. Making a 2-3 week guess is a lot easier than making an almost 2 month guess. 

    I think the trouble you're having with both of these guests is that with RSVPs being due already, they're having to make their best guess at predicting the future. 

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  • You gave them plus one invitations. Did you expect for them not to use them?

    Besides, if these are truly single guests, providing them with a plus one means they can bring ANYONE they want.


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  • Ditto everything PPs said.  When are your final numbers due in to your venue/caterer?  For your guests who aren't sure about their plus-ones, you give them a hard deadline - maybe a week or a few days before your absolute final count is due to your venue to tell you who they are bringing, if anyone.  And, since you gave them plus-ones to begin with, they reserve the right to bring someone of their choosing.  You can't tell them they no longer get a date.

    If you invite someone with a guests and don't invite them by name, you don't then get a say in who that person is, Unless they have a history of violence as PP said or if they are a child and you are having a child-free wedding... but it sounds like neither of those instances apply here.

    This ship has sailed, but this may have been avoided if the RSVP date were 3 weeks out instead of almost 2 months.


  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    Also, I understand that you claim to have very specific seating arrangements but if your friend RSVPs for himself with Danielle, then decides not to bring her, it seems quite simple to just have a place setting and seat removed from that table, no?  It would literally affect nobody else in terms of seating.
  • Yes, you're being unreasonable. If you give someone a plus one, you can't revoke it or have any control over who they bring.

    Formerly martha1818

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  • When you invite someone with an "and Guest" then you have zero right to have a say in who they bring. If you didn't want them bringing someone that you don't approve of then you should have invited them solo. To late for that now.

    And I hate the whole "it costs so much per person blah blah blah" stuff. If you budgeted accordingly then it shouldn't matter if your cousin brings a person you approve of or not.

    As for someone replying yes and then not showing up? Well that happens. Again if you budgeted accordingly that happening shouldn't make you want to tear your hair out.

  • You gave them plus one invitations. Did you expect for them not to use them?

    Besides, if these are truly single guests, providing them with a plus one means they can bring ANYONE they want.

    kaos16 said:
    Also, I understand that you claim to have very specific seating arrangements but if your friend RSVPs for himself with Danielle, then decides not to bring her, it seems quite simple to just have a place setting and seat removed from that table, no?  It would literally affect nobody else in terms of seating.
    This and this. We had a couple people that were "maybe" and I was never able to get a clear answer out of them, so I had a seat for them just in case and then they didn't show. There was an empty seat. So what? It made it easier for friends to come over and mingle. 

    And you don't get to dictate who the plus 1 is. A plus 1 means they get to bring a guest; not necessarily an SO (because an SO is not a plus 1; they're a social unit). So if that person wants to bring their friend or roommate or mom or whoever, it's fine. You're kind of out of line for being shitty about this guy bringing his ex. I mean, unless his ex is a violent criminal who poses a serious threat to you or your guests, what's the problem? 
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  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.

    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.


    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
    Well, that settles it for you. I'm calling troll.

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  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.

    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
    Well, that settles it for you. I'm calling troll.
    That knottie##s is not the OP...
  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.

    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
    Let's just hope your guests don't get too drunk the night before. You wouldn't want people blowing you off because they're hungover.


  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.


    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
    Well, that settles it for you. I'm calling troll.


    That knottie##s is not the OP...

    Exactly. Go check out her recent thread.
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  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.

    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  
    Well, that settles it for you. I'm calling troll.
    That knottie##s is not the OP...
    Exactly. Go check out her recent thread.
    Oh okay, I got confuzzled. I read that. My bad I thought you thought she was OP. Knottie##s might be a troll...I'll give you that.
  • I will NOT give singles a plus one.  I was going through my list and if they haven't been together over 2 years, they're flying solo.  My wedding is a class event, not an excuse for mooch SOBs to get drunk.

    I ABSOLUTELY would tell DHs cousin to go scratch...He MAY bring his ex...come on!  

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  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    When you invite someone with an "and Guest" then you have zero right to have a say in who they bring. If you didn't want them bringing someone that you don't approve of then you should have invited them solo. To late for that now. And I hate the whole "it costs so much per person blah blah blah" stuff. If you budgeted accordingly then it shouldn't matter if your cousin brings a person you approve of or not. As for someone replying yes and then not showing up? Well that happens. Again if you budgeted accordingly that happening shouldn't make you want to tear your hair out.
    This.

    A plus one means your invited guest can bring anyone- so yes, it would be rude of you to dictate who that is or revoke that.

    I can understand how "maybes" are annoying- if someone is bringing a guest, that guest should be decided and told to you with the RSVP (so if you are having place or escort cards, that persons name can be put on it- it shouldn't be "Guest"). 

    However, I also agree that when you make your RSVP date so early it makes things difficult for your guests because they may not know their schedule. I would tell these guests "I need a firm answer by X date", which should be about a week before your final numbers are due. 

    I get feeling annoyed with people who don't show up, or having a to work a seating arrangement. When we got married, DH's grandmother wanted a bunch of her family invited (that we originally weren't planning to invite). So we did. Most of them didn't end up coming, and some my MIL had to track down for an RSVP. Then one aunt who did RSVP "yes" no showed. I was annoyed at the time, but at the end of the day it doesn't matter. I also played a lot with our seating arrangements because I didn't want tables set up on the dance floor (which is what the venue often does, then moves them later- which I dislike), so I was trying to keep the total number of tables down as well as sit "like" people together. But, TRY not to let these little things bother you! It's so easy to get caught up in the minute details of a wedding, but as Maggie said, if you've budgeted for these people from the get go, then a couple people not showing up will not break you (nor should it). And even if you are annoyed now, you won't notice on your wedding day and afterwards it won't matter anymore. 
  • Ok, I'll just go back to my corner and remove my account now.

    Thanks, I guess :-(
  • I'm just closing the book on this thread now, I won't be checking any more.

    Thank you to those that responded tactfully but still truthfully, telling me that yes, I'm being unreasonable. I thought I was; I guess I was hoping against hope that someone would kinda sympathise a bit - but obviously not, and that's Ok! Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it.

    However... there are some people with a "you're so stupid" tone - it's not helpful, it just makes me feel like crap. I obviously asked for RSVPs too early. Ok, my mistake. But there's nothing I can do about it now (no recall option on post!) and to just make me feel stupid instead of offering useful advice just confirms what I already thought about some of the newbies that post in this forum and just get ripped to shreds by people who seem to have been here forever, formed a clique and think that the way they would do it is the ONLY correct way of organising a wedding. Over and out.
  • Oh, look. Another person asks for opinions, says she already thinks she knows the answer, claims to be a long time lurker, and then gets butthurt over the "tone" people use. Nobody responded as if you are stupid. I think you just were hoping for different responses and then felt stupid on your own and want to blame others for that.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • I'm just closing the book on this thread now, I won't be checking any more. Thank you to those that responded tactfully but still truthfully, telling me that yes, I'm being unreasonable. I thought I was; I guess I was hoping against hope that someone would kinda sympathise a bit - but obviously not, and that's Ok! Don't ask for the truth if you don't want it. However... there are some people with a "you're so stupid" tone - it's not helpful, it just makes me feel like crap. I obviously asked for RSVPs too early. Ok, my mistake. But there's nothing I can do about it now (no recall option on post!) and to just make me feel stupid instead of offering useful advice just confirms what I already thought about some of the newbies that post in this forum and just get ripped to shreds by people who seem to have been here forever, formed a clique and think that the way they would do it is the ONLY correct way of organising a wedding. Over and out.
    Oh Christ...

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