Family only - how to tell friends

kgales1

Hello all--

My fiancé and I are getting married in August and it is going to be a very small wedding. About 25-30 people and only family.

How do I tell my friends that they aren't invited. I love them and I don't want to hurt their feelings but we want it to be very intimate.

Before we booked anything I mentioned that it might be a very small wedding but I haven't told them yet that it's been booked.

Anyone have any advice?

Thanks!

[Deleted User]

First, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume you're getting married August 2016???

If it's really only family then I think your friends will understand. But if you have other friends in attendance (and the uninvited friends find out) I think you will have big problems. I've heard some couples say their wedding was for family and close friends. I've even heard close family and close friends.

kgales1

No, this August...   2015.

Its really only family. We haven't invited any friends at all.  I want to let my friends know beforehand just so its not a surprise after we're married. I feel they would be more upsetting finding out after the fact.

I just feel weird being like, "so we set a date, but you're not invited."

Is there any tactful way of saying this?

[Deleted User]

Ok so they are completely unaware of the wedding in August? Personally, (because it's already so close to August) I would probably go through with the wedding as planned and send announcements afterwards. Your true friends will be so happy for you that I think everything will be ok. I'm sure there may be a bit of disappointment from those friends who may have wanted to share the day with you. But I just feel they may take it harder if they are just finding out that your wedding is in two months and they aren't invited. I actually know someone who did this last weekend. Her friends didn't seem to mind. They respected her wishes.

damnthetorpedoes

Hey, I'm also having a small wedding, immediate family and close friends. Expecting about 30, same size as you. 

It may help to know this:

1) the people who are going to be upset or unreasonable are going to be upset/unreasonable no matter what you do

2) there are going to be a few people who you're sure are going to flip out, but won't

3) there are going to be a few people who would never cross your mind as being the ones to flip out, who flip out

This is what I did -- I actually practiced saying the line "We're having a small wedding, just immediate family and close friends." It's worked out great. (3) did kick in, we each have one aunt and I have one cousin who are offended as hell at not being invited (I didn't even think that cousin gave a shit at all -- plus he and his wife eloped, just the two of them!). Also, some "friends" who've drifted from us are pissed that they're not invited, but we don't really care. Everyone else just went "Oh OK!" and was fine with it. 

Your line might be something like "We're having a really small wedding, just our families." Avoid hedging like "We decided..." or "We think we're going to..." or "It's going to be..." Say it like it's a fact. "We're having."

Also, I wouldn't do a Facebook announcement, or call people individually like it's news ("Hey, I have something to tell you...") because for some reason people will assume there's another story you're not telling them and find reasons to be offended. Wait for it to come up organically. "Hey, how's the wedding planning going?" "Great, we're having a really small wedding, just our families." "I can't wait to be invited to the wedding!" "Actually, we're having a really small wedding, just our families." (etc.)

kgales1

The friends that I really care about I know will be happy although, maybe a little disappointed.

 I just don't want to offend anyone by not telling them and then after being likes BTW we're married!

@damnthetorpedoes - I like how you put it and not hedging it. I am definitely guilty of that... I will make sure to be conscience of how I word it.

Thanks for your help guys!

 

silverblade005

We are having only immediate family and close friends. I have a huge extended family (lots of close cousins) and it was harder to break it to them that they weren't invited. I had to keep it short and sweet and with polite gusto - "Sorry, we are just keeping it super tiny out in Vegas." But I did make a point to tell them all because nothing is worse than seeing facebook pics of an event you weren't invited to I think that hurts more than when people are just straight up about it.

hmgiffor

Agreed on the Facebook piece. I wouldn't go super overboard with photos as that could really create some issues. I would simply state, to stay in budget, we have decided to have only family at our wedding. 

I have also seen some do a reception back home to celebrate with those that aren't coming. 

xoeden

Do echo on @hmgiffor, we're doing receptions in our home towns post-wedding for those who can't travel/Vegas isn't their thing. Simply saying it's a small, immediate family only ceremony is more than enough. If you have a justification (religious reasons, at the request of those who are paying for the wedding, etc.), this is where you could throw that in.

annathy03

Ditto PPs, especially on not calling/talking to them just to say you set a date but they can't come.

I'd be thrilled for a friend who had a small wedding, but I'd think it was really weird/rude to tell me I'm not invited out of the blue.  If it comes up in conversation just use the "we're having a very small wedding" line.

Since it's come up, if you want to throw a party back home after you can but you are in no way obligated to do so.

kgales1

We aren't planning on doing a reception or anything at home. When we both sat down after getting engaged the first thing we said to each other was "Small wedding!"  Its not about budget or anything like that. We just knew that Vegas was the place for us and having our immediately families there was most important. 

I don't want to call them up and be like WE SET A DATE AND YOU'RE NOT COMING!  haha I just want to make sure they are aware so they aren't upset after the fact. 

xoeden

Just be honest and say it's a small, family only ceremony. No biggie.

Knottie1434797266

You should worry, we haven't even told our immediate families yet, the only people who know are my cousin (who we've asked to be our witness) and his wife, who are sworn to secrecy. 

Undecided as to how we should break the news, I'm in favour of sending them all the same text from the airport as we fly out from the UK or even once the deed is done so that they all find out at the same time. 

The Lovely Man wants to tell them in person a few days before we go, though doubtless at least one of our four children will be cross if they find out that a) they're not invited and/or b) their sibling/s knew first (they are all grown up and married, don't think it's feasible to get them all together in the same place at the same time).