Future MIL and SIL troubles...

Knottie9249644

Forget it

Maggie0829

Knottie9249644 said:

I'm having major issues with my soon to be in laws. They are on the rampage for obvious reasons due to their son/brother getting married and I'm taking him away or whateve!!! They are very much afraid that he is not going to be at their beckon call to rescue them at every chance. Future SIL dislikes me currently because we will not pay for the rest of her dress & I told Fiance that he needs to stop giving her $$( he was fixing a car-paying for parts, title etc,so she could finally get off her rear end and get a job). Mommy makes excuses for sister in law at every opportunity and calls screaming ( as does SIL ) when things don't go their way. SIL is currently a bridesmaid , which I'd like to change this fact- but I'm trying to be peaceful although this is not working. She was miserable at my shower this weekend did not help & did not put any $$ towards the room. The kicker is the gift I got which was crappy to say the least whatever- but was not even wrapped. They gave it to me in a plastic shopping bag. I'm so over these two. I'd rather they stay home on our day. Fiancé is trying to keep the peace but can't seem to tell them to calm down & behave eventhough he knows their behavior is ridiculous. Someone please tell me they've had something similar- I'm at my wits end!!!

My advice would be to stop talking to them.  Don't pick up the phone, don't text, nothing.  Let your FI deal with them from here on out.  You and your FI do need to get on the same page in regards to giving money to your FSIL and when that is and is not acceptable.

As for all the other dumb crap, who the heck cares.  She didn't have to give money towards your shower.  And did you really think she would when she can't even pay for her dress or for her car to get fixed?

My one question is why the heck did you even ask her to be a BM?  But what is done is done. You can't change other people, the only thing that you can change is how their actions effect you.  So just let this stuff roll off of you and focus on more important things.

Jen4948

I would let the unwrapped gift go. Dwelling on that would make you come across as petty, especially as you're not entitled to gifts.

You can't ask your FSIL to step down as a bridesmaid without really endangering your relationship with her.

You can let your FI know that you need him to have your back with his mother and sister, and you can (and need to) set and enforce appropriate boundaries with them, which include respectful treatment of you. But you in turn need to be respectful to them. Your FSIL wasn't required to pay for your shower. And whether or not she has a job is not your business.

Also, did you find out from her if the dress would even fit in her budget before requiring her to buy it? That was your responsibility. If you didn't, then that's on you. If she doesn't buy it, then she'll have taken herself out of the wedding party, so again, I'd let that play itself out.

Knottie9249644

When you agree to being a bridesmaid you agree to the terms, sorry. I 100% agree she never should of been asked- peer pressure and she was in a much better state before.

Maggie0829

Knottie9249644 said:

When you agree to being a bridesmaid you agree to the terms, sorry. I 100% agree she never should of been asked- peer pressure and she was in a much better state before.

What terms?  Oh, you mean those ridiculous terms that the wedding industry made up?  Yeah, not so much.  The only thing she has to do is buy the dress and show up on time for your wedding. Nothing else.

Not really sure what you wanted, except for us to say "yeah your FSIL and FMIL are completely bitches!"  But that won't help you in the future.  My advice stands.  Ignore them, let your FI deal with them and let all their silly crap go.  Why get yourself upset over such ridiculousness?

OliveOilsMom

A 21 minute DD, not a record, but still a quick one!

OP - If you come back to this thread, here is my advice.  Your FI needs to grow a backbone and start standing up to his mom and sister.  He needs to put his foot down with them and stop allowing them to get away with their bratty behavior.  If he begins to set boundaries now and enforce those boundaries, either your relationship with FMIL and FSIL will improve or they will no longer be in your life.  I think that's a win-win.

And as PP said, let the gift go.  It is petty and will not help your potential relationship with your ILs at all. 

TrixieJess

Maggie0829 said:

Knottie9249644 said:

I'm having major issues with my soon to be in laws. They are on the rampage for obvious reasons due to their son/brother getting married and I'm taking him away or whateve!!! They are very much afraid that he is not going to be at their beckon call to rescue them at every chance. Future SIL dislikes me currently because we will not pay for the rest of her dress & I told Fiance that he needs to stop giving her $$( he was fixing a car-paying for parts, title etc,so she could finally get off her rear end and get a job). Mommy makes excuses for sister in law at every opportunity and calls screaming ( as does SIL ) when things don't go their way. SIL is currently a bridesmaid , which I'd like to change this fact- but I'm trying to be peaceful although this is not working. She was miserable at my shower this weekend did not help & did not put any $$ towards the room. The kicker is the gift I got which was crappy to say the least whatever- but was not even wrapped. They gave it to me in a plastic shopping bag. I'm so over these two. I'd rather they stay home on our day. Fiancé is trying to keep the peace but can't seem to tell them to calm down & behave eventhough he knows their behavior is ridiculous. Someone please tell me they've had something similar- I'm at my wits end!!!

My advice would be to stop talking to them.  Don't pick up the phone, don't text, nothing.  Let your FI deal with them from here on out.  You and your FI do need to get on the same page in regards to giving money to your FSIL and when that is and is not acceptable.

As for all the other dumb crap, who the heck cares.  She didn't have to give money towards your shower.  And did you really think she would when she can't even pay for her dress or for her car to get fixed?

My one question is why the heck did you even ask her to be a BM?  But what is done is done. You can't change other people, the only thing that you can change is how their actions effect you.  So just let this stuff roll off of you and focus on more important things.

I agree with the above. Your FSIL obviously doesn't have the money to pay for her dress, you're lucky you got a gift.

She doesn't have to contribute to the shower if she wasn't hosting it. It was wrong of you to suggest that she does.

If she doesn't pick up her dress, she has removed herself from the wedding. You will still get married. Stop getting caught up in "what should be" and deal with what is.

Jen4948

Deleting your post was counterproductive, both because you were quoted and because it makes you look even worse.

CMGragain

Knottie9249644,

Your future MIL and future SIL will be a part of your life forever.  It is in your best interest to make nice with them.  It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do.  They are your future husband's family, and they will be your future children's family, too.

Do anything you can to repair any issues they have with you, and thank your FSIL for the shower gift.  This is all in your best interest.  If you choose to fight with them, I do not predict a long life for your marriage.  Never put your future husband in the position of choosing between you and his family.  You might just lose.

Many brides have difficult in-law family issues.  They do the best they can to keep the peace.  Be wise and do the same.

artbyallie

Since OP DDed, all I have to add is beck and call. Not 'beckon call.' http://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/beckon-call-or-beck-and-call

lnixon8

idk if it's the slight hangover/dehydration making me loopy or what but I cannot stop laughing at "the terms"

southernbelle0915

Knottie9249644 said:

When you agree to being a bridesmaid you agree to the terms, sorry. I 100% agree she never should of been asked- peer pressure and she was in a much better state before.

What "terms"? It was your choice to ask her to be a BM, so unless you want to cause drama by kicking her out, you're just have to deal with her.

Did you tell her to buy a dress that was out of her budget? If so, she has every right to say, "I can't afford this - you want me to wear it, you pay for it."

Also, in your OP (you were quoted so I can still read it), you're making A LOT of assumptions about how FMIL and FSIL feel about your relationship with your FI. Unless they have said those things, you should lay off the assumptions, because you know what ASSuming does..

LD1970

CMGragain said:

Knottie9249644,

Your future MIL and future SIL will be a part of your life forever.  It is in your best interest to make nice with them.  It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do.  They are your future husband's family, and they will be your future children's family, too.

Do anything you can to repair any issues they have with you, and thank your FSIL for the shower gift.  This is all in your best interest.  If you choose to fight with them, I do not predict a long life for your marriage.  Never put your future husband in the position of choosing between you and his family.  You might just lose.

Many brides have difficult in-law family issues.  They do the best they can to keep the peace.  Be wise and do the same.

***

Not necessarily, and not if you're doing the relationship thing right.  My H's mother was bitchy to me, so he told her to take a hike.  My mother was bitchy to H, so I told her to take a hike too.  We haven't spoken to my MIL since December 2008 or my mother since September 2012, and that's just fine with us.  Spouse comes first.

Maggie0829

LD1970 said:

CMGragain said:

Knottie9249644,

Your future MIL and future SIL will be a part of your life forever.  It is in your best interest to make nice with them.  It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do.  They are your future husband's family, and they will be your future children's family, too.

Do anything you can to repair any issues they have with you, and thank your FSIL for the shower gift.  This is all in your best interest.  If you choose to fight with them, I do not predict a long life for your marriage.  Never put your future husband in the position of choosing between you and his family.  You might just lose.

Many brides have difficult in-law family issues.  They do the best they can to keep the peace.  Be wise and do the same.

***

Not necessarily, and not if you're doing the relationship thing right.  My H's mother was bitchy to me, so he told her to take a hike.  My mother was bitchy to H, so I told her to take a hike too.  We haven't spoken to my MIL since December 2008 or my mother since September 2012, and that's just fine with us.  Spouse comes first.

I agree with this.  Once you are married, that is your family now so your SO should always come first.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

Knottie9249644,

Your future MIL and future SIL will be a part of your life forever.  It is in your best interest to make nice with them.  It doesn't matter what they do, or don't do.  They are your future husband's family, and they will be your future children's family, too.

Do anything you can to repair any issues they have with you, and thank your FSIL for the shower gift.  This is all in your best interest.  If you choose to fight with them, I do not predict a long life for your marriage.  Never put your future husband in the position of choosing between you and his family.  You might just lose.

Many brides have difficult in-law family issues.  They do the best they can to keep the peace.  Be wise and do the same.

Being "wise" usually does not mean "do the same."  It actually usually means "stop acting like a doormat" and set boundaries requiring respectful treatment,  not "accept abuse in order that your spouse doesn't have to confront his/her family and require that you be respectfully treated."

CMGragain

There are some families that are so broken that repairing relations with them isn't possible or practical.  This is your FI's family, so his opinion is very important.  Whenever possible, it is in your family's best interest (you, your DH and your children) to maintain a civil relationship with extended family members.  I agree that it is not always possible.
A former family member (divorce) cut off her family due to their denial of her childhood sexual abuse by another family member.  This is an occasion where ending communication is the best choice.  I knew that she was being truthful, and I also cut off communication with them.  I still communicate with her.
The OP is upset that her FSIL did not contribute to her bridal shower, and that her gift wasn't good enough.  Not the same thing at all.  No wonder she DD'd.  Her post made her look like a greedy, selfish fool.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

There are some families that are so broken that repairing relations with them isn't possible or practical.  This is your FI's family, so his opinion is very important.  Whenever possible, it is in your family's best interest (you, your DH and your children) to maintain a civil relationship with extended family members.  I agree that it is not always possible.
A former family member (divorce) cut off her family due to their denial of her childhood sexual abuse by another family member.  This is an occasion where ending communication is the best choice.  I knew that she was being truthful, and I also cut off communication with them.  I still communicate with her.
The OP is upset that her FSIL did not contribute to her bridal shower, and that her gift wasn't good enough.  Not the same thing at all.  No wonder she DD'd.  Her post made her look like a greedy, selfish fool.

I agree about the bolded, because it was a very petty complaint to make and yes, it did make her look bad.

But yeah, if one is not getting appropriate respect from one's FILs (not the OP's situation), then speaking up and setting boundaries is necessary.  That's an important distinction.

augsum15

Darn I can't quote.... anyways, no one is obligated to pay for any part of a shower unless they're helping plan it and have agreed to do so.

Also, my bridal shower was this past weekend, and one of my friends gave me a gift in the shopping bag as well, SO I KICKED HER OUT, just kidding, I loved the gift and didn't care about the bag. Actually I'm glad it was in a shopping bag, cuz it made it easy to carry...

Jen4948

Misposted