Child Free Wedding?

dreamsinpink

FI and I have been talking about the pros/cons of doing this. There really is just so much more than saying "adults only". Some things we have talked about is saying something like, "the bride and groom would like their guests to enjoy themselves (blah blah), so please adults only" or something. Then leave it up to the parent to decide if their child is an "adult". I mean what am I going to do, stand at the entrance and tell them to leave? No, but at least we got our wishes out there. FMIL thinks its a terrible idea, and would really just end up causing off-putting and hurt feelings, which I can totally see after talking to her about it. We have also talked about having somewhere at the reception where parents can drop off their kids (we would hire someone to watch them of course) so the kids would still be close but unfortunately my FI's family wouldn't use it, ending up in a waste of money.

Question, brides that have done this- how did it go over? Glad you did or wish you hadn't? Also, how do you say that without sounding like the Grinch?

Jen4948

dreamsinpink said:

FI and I have been talking about the pros/cons of doing this. There really is just so much more than saying "adults only". Some things we have talked about is saying something like, "the bride and groom would like their guests to enjoy themselves (blah blah), so please adults only" or something. Then leave it up to the parent to decide if their child is an "adult". I mean what am I going to do, stand at the entrance and tell them to leave? No, but at least we got our wishes out there. FMIL thinks its a terrible idea, and would really just end up causing off-putting and hurt feelings, which I can totally see after talking to her about it. We have also talked about having somewhere at the reception where parents can drop off their kids (we would hire someone to watch them of course) so the kids would still be close but unfortunately my FI's family wouldn't use it, ending up in a waste of money.

Question, brides that have done this- how did it go over? Glad you did or wish you hadn't? Also, how do you say that without sounding like the Grinch?

Your FMIL is right-it is rude to put "adults only" on your invitation.

Not only that, you have no way of knowing whether or not your guests will "enjoy themselves" without their children present.  You can hire a babysitter, but there is a caveat that your guests won't use it.

You can still have an adults only wedding, but you address the envelopes only to the guests you want to invite and don't list those persons who are not included on them, and while you don't have to invite their children, you do have to accept it graciously if the parents of those children choose to decline your invitation.  If someone RSVPs for uninvited children, call them and explain that you're sorry for the confusion, but only those persons listed on the invitation are actually invited and can actually be accommodated at your wedding.

NowIamMrsKlein

People will know who is invited by who you write on the envelope.

We are inviting children in 'circles' meaning kids of family members are invited but kids of friends are not. We are doing this simply because of venue capacity.

I have had several phone calls from friends who are just verifying that the kids are not invited, and the majority of them are happy to have the night to themselves, but don't assume that people won't enjoy themselves if their kids are their. My cousin recently went to an 'adults only' wedding and had to leave his child with a sitter. They ended up having to leave early because the sitter charged double after a certain time. If they could have brought their kid they could have stayed later and had more fun.

[Deleted User]

If you address the invites directly to each guests, then you shouldn't have this problem.  Many of our friends have kids and we addressed the invites specifically to adults in the family (example:  Mr. and Mrs. John Smith)   They RSVPed with the people on the invites.    We are inviting children that are in the bridal party too.   No one questioned our invites or why their kids weren't invited. 

aurianna

An invitation should only ever indicate who is invited. Putting "adult's only" on an invite is telling people that kids are NOT invited. It also tells your guests you don't think they are smart enough to figure out who is invited just by the names listed. Def don't do this.

Also, saying to people or putting anywhere in writing "we want guests to enjoy themselves so no kids" would definitely offend many, as it's very presumptuous. Some guests enjoy spending time with their children and would find this statement offensive.
And for the guests who would enjoy themselves more without their kids; they are adults and could make the decision themselves to not bring their kids whether you invited the kids or not.

Also.. it sounds like an excuse.

The main reasons people don't invite kids:
They have a limited budget
They have a limited capacity
They simply want a more adult atmosphere.

These are all perfectly acceptable and justified. Trying to spin it though, like your not inviting a guest's kids is somehow a favor to that guest, is just weak sauce.

If you don't want kids at your wedding, own that, and don't invite kids. Just put the names of those actually invited on the invite and call it a day.

southernbelle0915

We had a child free wedding. It's against etiquette to say any rendition of "adults only" - your FMIL is correct.

So here's how you handle it:
- address invites to only who's invited
- if you think people won't understand that, word your RSVP so it's clear: "2 seats have been reserved in your honor" or "___ # attending" or "place each guest's initials by their menu choice" - so you can follow up with people who add guests.

banana468

It's fine not to invite the kids but you don't actually SAY that you're not inviting the kids.

As a word of caution, depending on your guest list, doing so can have an impact on who decides to attend vs. not attend.   If you have guests traveling a long distance, they may be less likely to attend if it means either leaving their kids for multiple nights or leaving them with an unknown babysitter at the reception.   BIL was a bit surprised at the low turnout from his side of the family when he got married but they had a no kids evening reception that was an 8 hour drive from the guests.   What they did was perfectly fine and it was a great wedding - but you need to decide what could be worth it. 

jacques27

dreamsinpink said:

FI and I have been talking about the pros/cons of doing this. There really is just so much more than saying "adults only". Some things we have talked about is saying something like, "the bride and groom would like their guests to enjoy themselves (blah blah), so please adults only" or something. Then leave it up to the parent to decide if their child is an "adult". I mean what am I going to do, stand at the entrance and tell them to leave? No, but at least we got our wishes out there. FMIL thinks its a terrible idea, and would really just end up causing off-putting and hurt feelings, which I can totally see after talking to her about it. We have also talked about having somewhere at the reception where parents can drop off their kids (we would hire someone to watch them of course) so the kids would still be close but unfortunately my FI's family wouldn't use it, ending up in a waste of money.

Question, brides that have done this- how did it go over? Glad you did or wish you hadn't? Also, how do you say that without sounding like the Grinch?

I am child-free by choice.  Not sure I want kids.  Don't particularly enjoy them as a group (I'm not in the "Awww...all children are cute and precious" category).  But I have family members who also happen to be children whose company I enjoy much more than I enjoy a lot of adults.  Same goes for a few children belonging to my friends.  So the highlighted is extremely presumptuous and I would side eye the hell out of that on an invitation or wedding website.

It's okay to not invite children.  The solution is you just don't invite them - you don't put them on the invitation.  It's rude to announce who isn't invited to an event, let alone the reasoning.  You wouldn't put on the invitations "For everyone's enjoyment, Aunt Ginny with the chronic smoker's cough, my college roommate Michelle who slept with my ex-boyfriend, and FI's friend Joe who leers at women's breasts and has a poor concept of personal space are not invited to this wedding." 

When someone tries to RSVP with their kids, and there will probably be at least one, you call them up and politely state that the invitation was only for that person and their SO.  If they decline because they don't want to find a babysitter or attend without their kids (particularly if there is travel involved), then you be gracious and understanding because you knew going into this (or you should by now) that that may be the cost of excluding some members of their family.  And if someone shows up with their kid, then you also be gracious  - one kid isn't going to ruin your wedding, unless you decide that's how you want to react to the situation.

natswild

agree with all of the PPs above, but also consider having the biggest gossip in the family know that you're having an adults only wedding.

notoriousRBGsBFF

 You wouldn't put on the invitations "For everyone's enjoyment, Aunt Ginny with the chronic smoker's cough, my college roommate Michelle who slept with my ex-boyfriend, and FI's friend Joe who leers at women's breasts and has a poor concept of personal space are not invited to this wedding." 

For the record, you probably should not invite Joe.

novella1186

I think PPs have it covered on what's rude and how to go about this in a non-rude way. 

So I'll just say that we only invited a small number of kids (maybe 5?). We invited in circles as PP mentioned, and we addressed the invitations appropriately to reflect who was or was not invited. That's it. 

We did not have a single problem with this. No one RSVPd for their kid when their kid was not on the invite, no one argued with us about it, no one showed up with an uninvited kid, and no one complained to us. 

I think we got lucky, because it seems common for people to misunderstand and RSVP for their uninvited kid anyway, in which case you'll just have to give them a call and say, "Sorry for the misunderstanding but the invitation was only for you and SO." 

thisismynickname2

To the question of "how did it go over?" We had an adults-only wedding. Early in the planning, our friends with kids simply asked, "So, kids? No kids?" And we said "No kids!" and they said something along the lines of, "Cool! I'll make sure Grandma is available!"

Some extended family with kids simply chose not to come, in the end. No one got bent out of shape about it, and if they did, it certainly never made it to me and DH's ears. 

All our invited friends came, most of whom are parents, and everyone enjoyed the open bar and tore up the dance floor and no one got arrested. Success! 

Rachel2017

We had planned no kids... but family traveling from OOT wouldn't have been able to come so we ended up having like 4-5 kids under the age of 2. I don't even remember exactly how many because it wasn't a big deal.

I do want to make a note of informing OOT guests earlier then invites though. My cousin's wedding was no kids and all of the extended family purchased their plan tickets well before the invites went out. It put everyone in an awkward position since plane tickets were purchased but now the kids had nowhere to go. The bride was firm on this so my cousins had to trust some rando to watch their kids.

dreamsinpink

Thank you @thisismynickname and @rachel2017! definitely more of the insight I was looking for. (There were a couple others up there, just too lazy to scroll up ). More than likely, we will end up scrapping the no kids idea because MOST of the kids will be from OOT guests (FI family). FI is pretty firm on the no kids front, but I really could go either way. We have talked about the whole just writing who is invited on the invitation, but I was concerned about people RSVPing for others not on the invite. So thank you for the advice on how to handle that if it happens!

True, to assume my guests will have more fun without their kids is presumptive, but we are inviting people we know well and the ones with kids (other than family, which is what I am most concerned about) have stated in the past they have more fun at weddings without their kids. Most will get babysitters, my nieces aren't even coming. It's more so family that it seems sometimes feel obligated to bring their kids? So we shall see! The last thing I want to do is piss off his family before I take his last name.. Those would be fun Christmases!

PrettyGirlLost

dreamsinpink said:

FI and I have been talking about the pros/cons of doing this. There really is just so much more than saying "adults only". Some things we have talked about is saying something like, "the bride and groom would like their guests to enjoy themselves (blah blah), so please adults only" or something. No, don't do this.  You are going to piss off parents that actually enjoy themselves WITH their kids present.  Then leave it up to the parent to decide if their child is an "adult". I mean what am I going to do, stand at the entrance and tell them to leave? No, but at least we got our wishes out there. FMIL thinks its a terrible idea, and would really just end up causing off-putting and hurt feelings, which I can totally see after talking to her about it.   She's right.  We have also talked about having somewhere at the reception where parents can drop off their kids (we would hire someone to watch them of course) so the kids would still be close but unfortunately my FI's family wouldn't use it, ending up in a waste of money.   And what do you do when Little Johnny wants to come into the reception to be with mommy and daddy?  You can't realistically bar the kids from coming into your reception if they are on site.

Question, brides that have done this- how did it go over? Glad you did or wish you hadn't? Also, how do you say that without sounding like the Grinch?

I'll tell you my opinion, and so you know where I'm coming from, I had limited children at my wedding; We invited cousins who would technically be considered children because they are under 18, our nieces and nephews, and children of wedding party members, most of which were also FG's or RB in the wedding too.  So total we had maybe 6 or 7 kids in attendance.

My suggestion is to either have a truly adult event, with no children in the wedding party, or to invite children in circles as we did.  That really helps to minimize the drama and butthurt.  So for instance, children in the wedding party only, or children in the WP and immediate family, but no cousins' kids or co workers' kids. 

Arbitrary age cut offs are just that, arbitrary, and run the risk of splitting up families, despite what the technical etiquette "rule" is, so don't do that.  For instance, your brother has kids that are 20, 18, 16, and 5.  People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old.  I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

As to how you handle the invitations, it's quite simple- you only address the invitation to those that are invited.  This means you don't put "adult only" or "child free" anywhere on the invitations.

ETA:  We had no issues with ppl RSVPing for ids that were not invited, no one called to ask if their kids could come, and I never heard any complaints as to how our invitations were handled regarding kids.  My mom had opinions on the guestlist, though, lol!

SP29

Agree with all the above that it is perfectly acceptable not to invite kids, but you don't explicitly state it.

As for the OOT guests- you may wish to make this a "circle". Either invite the OOT family with their children (because you know it will be difficult for childcare), or continue that you will not invite any children and accept that these OOT family members may be unable to attend. Which is totally fine, whatever you decide, but your FI may have to figure out what is more important, inviting kids so that his family will come (because he really wants them there), or sticking to his child-free vision (which is cool too, maybe it won't bother him if some family ends up declining ). 

VerizonGirl

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

PrettyGirlLost

VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

Nope, they don't.  It doesn't sound like the OP or her FI are from the South or that this child's party room is a part of the wedding culture of their families.

If the kids are invited to the wedding, her FI's family are under ZERO obligation to drop their kids off in that room and make them stay in that room for the duration of the reception.  And many parents on this board have stated that they are not likely to leave their kids under the supervision of a stranger that they have not personally met or vetted. 

Also, again, how on Earth is anyone going to physically bar the kids from joining their parents in the main reception area if they choose?  Are you going to have bouncers physically restrain kids from entering the "adult zone?"

Maggie0829

VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

I really want to know what some people do at their weddings where they are no longer deemed appropriate for children?  Like does everyone get naked and dance around?  Are bags of drugs scattered throughout?  Are loaded guns the favors?

And sorry, but kids are not stupid.  They realize that this "age appropriate party" that they have to attend instead of the adult reception is a slap in the face.

VulgarGirl

VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

Really? Everyone in the south does this? Hey @emmaaa, did you have this at your wedding? @southernbelle0915 how about you? This a regional thing now? (I am sure there are more southerns on here, I just know them for sure)

VulgarGirl

Maggie0829 said:

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VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

I really want to know what some people do at their weddings where they are no longer deemed appropriate for children?  Like does everyone get naked and dance around?  Are bags of drugs scattered throughout?  Are loaded guns the favors?

And sorry, but kids are not stupid.  They realize that this "age appropriate party" that they have to attend instead of the adult reception is a slap in the face.

I mean we had a giant coke fueled orgy in the middle of our dance floor. But that was cause it was a gay wedding. That's what happens at all gay weddings.

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes

VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

I really want to know what some people do at their weddings where they are no longer deemed appropriate for children?  Like does everyone get naked and dance around?  Are bags of drugs scattered throughout?  Are loaded guns the favors?

And sorry, but kids are not stupid.  They realize that this "age appropriate party" that they have to attend instead of the adult reception is a slap in the face.

We were snorting coke off of hookers' asses.  We had Pixy-Stix for the kids to use.

banana468

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes

VerizonGirl said:

Here in the south, it's common to arrive at reception venue, kids are greeted by party hostess who takes them to nearby kid party room while parents go to reception. Party room has two or three levels of age-appropriate activities, games, dinner, etc. at the end of the night, the kids don't want to go home. You fi's fam needs to understand that kids party room is not a punishment ; it's a separate age- appropriate party.

I really want to know what some people do at their weddings where they are no longer deemed appropriate for children?  Like does everyone get naked and dance around?  Are bags of drugs scattered throughout?  Are loaded guns the favors?

And sorry, but kids are not stupid.  They realize that this "age appropriate party" that they have to attend instead of the adult reception is a slap in the face.

I also want to know if the adults are aware of this from the start.   Because if you invite me and my children to an event only to whisk my children away from me at the beginning of that event because they actually ARE NOT welcome, then I'm going to think you're pulling a bait and switch.

Maggie0829

VulgarGirl said:

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I mean we had a giant coke fueled orgy in the middle of our dance floor. But that was cause it was a gay wedding. That's what happens at all gay weddings.

PrettyGirlLost said:

show previous quotes

We were snorting coke off of hookers' asses.  We had Pixy-Stix for the kids to use.

Damn, I am missing out on some kick ass weddings!

PrettyGirlLost

Maggie0829 said:

show previous quotes

VulgarGirl said:

I mean we had a giant coke fueled orgy in the middle of our dance floor. But that was cause it was a gay wedding. That's what happens at all gay weddings.

show previous quotes

PrettyGirlLost said:

We were snorting coke off of hookers' asses.  We had Pixy-Stix for the kids to use.

Damn, I am missing out on some kick ass weddings!

It's an Appalachian regional thing.

mikenberger

PrettyGirlLost said:

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Maggie0829 said:

VulgarGirl said:

I mean we had a giant coke fueled orgy in the middle of our dance floor. But that was cause it was a gay wedding. That's what happens at all gay weddings.

PrettyGirlLost said:

We were snorting coke off of hookers' asses.  We had Pixy-Stix for the kids to use.

Damn, I am missing out on some kick ass weddings!

It's an Appalachian regional thing.

We did meth at our wedding. We do it up real nice here in the country. Even had a box for your sharps!

PrettyGirlLost

mikenberger said:

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PrettyGirlLost said:

Maggie0829 said:

VulgarGirl said:

I mean we had a giant coke fueled orgy in the middle of our dance floor. But that was cause it was a gay wedding. That's what happens at all gay weddings.

PrettyGirlLost said:

We were snorting coke off of hookers' asses.  We had Pixy-Stix for the kids to use.

Damn, I am missing out on some kick ass weddings!

It's an Appalachian regional thing.

We did meth at our wedding. We do it up real nice here in the country. Even had a box for your sharps!

Jen4948

PrettyGirlLost said:

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  People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old.  I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

I agree with regards to the 16 year old, but not the 5 year old.  The age difference is great enough that while inviting everyone except the 5 year old may be "splitting up a family," I think it's acceptable in this instance.

PrettyGirlLost

Jen4948 said:

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PrettyGirlLost said:

  
  People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old.  I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

I agree with regards to the 16 year old, but not the 5 year old.  The age difference is great enough that while inviting everyone except the 5 year old may be "splitting up a family," I think it's acceptable in this instance.

I don't. 

There is no rationale or logic that makes an iota of sense to me where it's perfectly fine, and NOT considered splitting up a family when 5 out of 6 people are invited to attend a wedding and the 6th man out is a freaking 5 year old.

Again, that's THE definition of splitting up a family. 

You all have a better chance at explaining String Theory to me or the meaning of life, lol.

Jen4948

Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

  
  People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old.  I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

I agree with regards to the 16 year old, but not the 5 year old.  The age difference is great enough that while inviting everyone except the 5 year old may be "splitting up a family," I think it's acceptable in this instance.

I don't. 

There is no rationale or logic that makes an iota of sense to me where it's perfectly fine, and NOT considered splitting up a family when 5 out of 6 people are invited to attend a wedding and the 6th man out is a freaking 5 year old.

Again, that's THE definition of splitting up a family. 

You all have a better chance at explaining String Theory to me or the meaning of life, lol.

So let's agree to disagree. Because for most people, not inviting people ages 20, 18, or 16 because a 5 year old's feelings might get hurt at not being invited is BS.

TrixieJess

PrettyGirlLost said:

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Jen4948 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

  
  People on this board will tell you it's perfectly correct etiquette to invite your brother and his wife, the 20 year old and the 18 year old since they are adults and get a separate invitation, and not invite the 16 year old or the 5 year old.  I think that's totally absurd and is THE definition of splitting up a family.

I agree with regards to the 16 year old, but not the 5 year old.  The age difference is great enough that while inviting everyone except the 5 year old may be "splitting up a family," I think it's acceptable in this instance.

I don't. 

There is no rationale or logic that makes an iota of sense to me where it's perfectly fine, and NOT considered splitting up a family when 5 out of 6 people are invited to attend a wedding and the 6th man out is a freaking 5 year old.

Again, that's THE definition of splitting up a family. 

You all have a better chance at explaining String Theory to me or the meaning of life, lol.

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