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Etiquette

How to I address this

We're having a kids free wedding (except flower girls). My brother and his wife have been spreading around that their children can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. Only parents will be mentioned on the invite. Should I tell them now. Invites are going out in the next month. If I were to send an email what should I say

Re: How to I address this

  • We're having a kids free wedding (except flower girls). My brother and his wife have been spreading around that their children can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. Only parents will be mentioned on the invite. Should I tell them now. Invites are going out in the next month. If I were to send an email what should I say
    I wouldn't say anything unless they RSVP with their kids when you only, properly, address the invite to them.

    If they do try to attach their kids to the invite, just give them a call and let them know that you are sorry for any confusion, but only Bro and Wife are invited.

    I wouldn't email them before you even know if that is their plan. This sounds like second-hand knowledge, not a fact.
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I would call up your brother directly, no email.  Tell him what you have been hearing and you wanted to clarify before invites went out that only he and his wife are going to be invited to your wedding and the only children at the wedding are the one's in the actual ceremony.  It is better to let them know this now then to continue to think their kids are invited.  It was actually very presumptuous of them to think that their kids are invited, regardless if they are your nieces/nephews.  Hopefully the conversation goes well.

    SP29southernbelle0915STARMOON44
  • I'd call and talk to them now.   If you never said that it was an adult event then they're making the bad but not unusual assumption.   
  • Even if they have heard that the wedding is child-free - they may assume as immediate family it won't apply to them.  Its your choice to have this, but most child-free weddings I have been to have made exceptions for this, you don't have to do this but it may cause problems within your family.  You can invite in circles, include only immediate family but not other kids.  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    abcdevonn said:
    We're having a kids free wedding (except flower girls). My brother and his wife have been spreading around that their children can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. Only parents will be mentioned on the invite. Should I tell them now. Invites are going out in the next month. If I were to send an email what should I say
    I wouldn't say anything unless they RSVP with their kids when you only, properly, address the invite to them.

    If they do try to attach their kids to the invite, just give them a call and let them know that you are sorry for any confusion, but only Bro and Wife are invited.

    I wouldn't email them before you even know if that is their plan. This sounds like second-hand knowledge, not a fact.

    I don't agree.  If her brother and SIL are letting it be known that they're planning to bring the kids even before the invitations have gone out, then even if this is second-hand knowledge, it sounds like just listing the parents on the invitation isn't going to make it sufficiently clear to them that their kids are not included and they'll be likely to RSVP for their kids anyway.  Waiting until after they RSVP for the kids to clear up the matter, while technically correct, probably will generate more hurt feelings, if not drama, that the OP and her FI don't need.

    So I agree with PPs that it's best to call them in advance and make sure they understand that the invitation that arrives is only for them, as in: "Hi Bro, SIL, we're about to send out our wedding invitations, but we want to clear up a matter: we're hearing that you're letting it be known how excited your kids are about the wedding.  We need you to understand that your invitation will be only for the two of you and we won't be able to accommodate your kids at the wedding." 

    The one thing I would do, OP, is not label this wedding to your brother and SIL as "kids-free" if there will be children in the wedding party.  Not being able to bring their own kids to a wedding labeled "kids-free"is going to be really hurtful to them if they see other kids at the wedding-even those in the wedding party.

    SP29[Deleted User]
  • Jen4948 said:
    abcdevonn said:
    We're having a kids free wedding (except flower girls). My brother and his wife have been spreading around that their children can't wait to see everyone at the wedding. Only parents will be mentioned on the invite. Should I tell them now. Invites are going out in the next month. If I were to send an email what should I say
    I wouldn't say anything unless they RSVP with their kids when you only, properly, address the invite to them.

    If they do try to attach their kids to the invite, just give them a call and let them know that you are sorry for any confusion, but only Bro and Wife are invited.

    I wouldn't email them before you even know if that is their plan. This sounds like second-hand knowledge, not a fact.

    I don't agree.  If her brother and SIL are letting it be known that they're planning to bring the kids even before the invitations have gone out, then even if this is second-hand knowledge, it sounds like just listing the parents on the invitation isn't going to make it sufficiently clear to them that their kids are not included and they'll be likely to RSVP for their kids anyway.  Waiting until after they RSVP for the kids to clear up the matter, while technically correct, probably will generate more hurt feelings, if not drama, that the OP and her FI don't need.

    So I agree with PPs that it's best to call them in advance and make sure they understand that the invitation that arrives is only for them, as in: "Hi Bro, SIL, we're about to send out our wedding invitations, but we want to clear up a matter: we're hearing that you're letting it be known how excited your kids are about the wedding.  We need you to understand that your invitation will be only for the two of you and we won't be able to accommodate your kids at the wedding." 

    The one thing I would do, OP, is not label this wedding to your brother and SIL as "kids-free" if there will be children in the wedding party.  Not being able to bring their own kids to a wedding labeled "kids-free"is going to be really hurtful to them if they see other kids at the wedding-even those in the wedding party.

    Definitely yes to the bolded.   If the flower girls are not family members of equal closeness, it can open the door to hurt feelings as well.   And you can do whatever you want to do, but you need to handle this sort of thing delicately.   
    [Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Who are the flower girls?  Are they immediate family?

    Nothing wrong with having an adults only event, or inviting some children and not others, but the only time I have seen this work w/o there being drama is if the only children invited are immediate family.  That's a clear circle that people can understand and accept.

    Not saying you HAVE to invite your nieces or nephews, but if you are already having flower girls and you don't have a large number of nieces and nephews, personally I'd invite them.  That would not be the hill I choose to die on, if we're talking about 2 or 3 kids in addition to your flower girls.

    That said, I agree that it might be best to call your brother as the invites are going out and clear up any "misunderstanding" he might have about the event.

    Good Luck!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    lyndausviFiancBsparklepants41
  • The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Who are the flower girls?  Are they immediate family?

    Nothing wrong with having an adults only event, or inviting some children and not others, but the only time I have seen this work w/o there being drama is if the only children invited are immediate family.  That's a clear circle that people can understand and accept.

    Not saying you HAVE to invite your nieces or nephews, but if you are already having flower girls and you don't have a large number of nieces and nephews, personally I'd invite them.  That would not be the hill I choose to die on, if we're talking about 2 or 3 kids in addition to your flower girls.

    That said, I agree that it might be best to call your brother as the invites are going out and clear up any "misunderstanding" he might have about the event.

    Good Luck!
    This.



    You are not having a kid free wedding.  Sorry, but you are not.  You are just picking what kids you want to invite.  

      I did same.  I only invited my nieces and nephews.  I never called it a kid free wedding, because there were 7 kids there.   I just simply put the names of those invited on the envelope.   I only had one person ask about their kid.   We told them only those on the envelope are invited.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    [Deleted User]PrettyGirlLostmadamerwin
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited June 2015


    Jen4948 said:


    zitiqueen said:

    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?

    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.

    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.


    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    SP29
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.

    PrettyGirlLostmadamerwinVulgarGirl
  • I agree with everyone else - talk to them now. They are in the wrong for assuming their kids will be invited. It's not a taboo conversation - you're just clarifying and giving them more time to find a sitter.
    *********************************************************************************

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    PrettyGirlLostSTARMOON44
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    Jen4948 said:


    Jen4948 said:


    zitiqueen said:

    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?

    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.

    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?


    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.

    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question.

    I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.
    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question. I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.
    Okay, but you can't tell others how to post.  And the poster will only go on the defensive if they decide to take the question that way.

    madamerwin
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers


    Jen4948 said:


    Jen4948 said:


    Jen4948 said:


    zitiqueen said:

    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?

    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.

    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?

    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.

    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question.

    I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.


    Okay, but you can't tell others how to post.  And the poster will only go on the defensive if they decide to take the question that way.

    I didn't tell anyone how to post. I merely pointed out that posting in a specific way has possible negative circumstances.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.
    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question. I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.
    Okay, but you can't tell others how to post.  And the poster will only go on the defensive if they decide to take the question that way.
    I didn't tell anyone how to post. I merely pointed out that posting in a specific way has possible negative circumstances.
    Talk about splitting hairs.

  • If your parents' names are on the top line of your invitation as the people who are hosts of your wedding, then it's up to them to talk to your brother, etc. leave this to them and move on to other bride issues.
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    OP said we are having a child free wedding, except FGs. Then she asked a question related to invites, which has been answered.

    Ziti asked if OP is inviting the FGs to the reception.  This is actually a relevant question, and not getting OT, because in the past we have had brides who stated they were having child free weddings but they planned on having FGS/RBs in their ceremonies, and they just weren't planning on inviting the kids to the reception. 

    Which is rude.

    And this is the etiquette board so we try to steer people away from being rude.

    If ziti had asked the OP what shoes she was planning on wearing THAT would be taking the discussion OT.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    [Deleted User][Deleted User]
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.
    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question. I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.
    Okay, but you can't tell others how to post.  And the poster will only go on the defensive if they decide to take the question that way.
    I didn't tell anyone how to post. I merely pointed out that posting in a specific way has possible negative circumstances.
    Talk about splitting hairs.
    Now this is a fucking tangent.

    If posters can't answer questions directly related to information in their own OPs, yet not specifically what they are seeking advice for, without getting defensive, that's on them, not us.


    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    Jen4948[Deleted User]Maggie0829
  • FiancBFiancB MinnesOOOta member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    Who are the flower girls?  Are they immediate family?

    Nothing wrong with having an adults only event, or inviting some children and not others, but the only time I have seen this work w/o there being drama is if the only children invited are immediate family.  That's a clear circle that people can understand and accept.

    Not saying you HAVE to invite your nieces or nephews, but if you are already having flower girls and you don't have a large number of nieces and nephews, personally I'd invite them.  That would not be the hill I choose to die on, if we're talking about 2 or 3 kids in addition to your flower girls.

    That said, I agree that it might be best to call your brother as the invites are going out and clear up any "misunderstanding" he might have about the event.

    Good Luck!
    This. It's also not really necessary to have flower girls, if you'd rather have no kids than these kids. I think the answer depends on what circles you're dealing with. If these are just some random kids that fit the right age, it makes it seem like you just have them there for decoration (hence the question as to whether they're invited to the reception). 

    Meh. We wanted a party atmosphere and we were a little worried about the kids coming but they all went home pretty early and everyone else partied on. More than anything I'd agree that it isn't a hill worth dying on. Most parents would rather find a sitter anyway so that they can really relax and enjoy themselves. 
    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • madamerwinmadamerwin member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    zitiqueen said:
    The flower girls are invited to the reception too, right?
    I don't see the relevance of this to the question the OP asked.
    Considering we've had a number of brides post across these boards their plans to have kids in the wedding party who are invited to the ceremony only, and we've had to correct them. . . I'd say this is a relevant question to ask for clarification on.
    How exactly is whether or not someone's kids, who happen to be flower girls, invited to the reception as opposed to just the ceremony relevant to whether or not the OP should tell her brother and SIL that their kids are not invited at all before sending them the invitation?
    A lot of times we discuss other things that are not relevant to the initial question.  I don't think it was bad of anyone to ask if the flower girls will also be invited to the reception.  I am not sure why you are taking issue with this.
    I merely pointed out that it is not relevant to the original question. I think going off on tangents can put posters on the defensive I especially using "You are doing X, right?" type question formats.

    ---Pretend I am a box--- 

    Doesn't look like the OP is getting defensive about this. And as other PPs have said, this issue comes up a lot, where people are only inviting kids to the ceremony (as you well know). It's not at all uncommon for people to ask tangential questions in these types of threads.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Thanks for your responses. Flowers girls are my daughter and my sisters daughters , my sister is the moh.
    They are invited because I want them there and Will stay for the reception. I dont want any other kids there so I'm not inviting any others.
    i think I will email this week. They can have time for getting a sitter
    SP29
  • kvrunskvruns member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    lyndausvi said:
    So your sister's kid is going to be there, but not your brother's.


    Yeah, that is going to go over real well.   


    Ditto!
  • edited June 2015
    scribe95 said:
    You need to deal with this now. I actually think it's pretty normal for a sibling to expect their kids would be invited. Especially if you haven't yet mentioned it is adult only through word of mouth. 

    Not inviting your nieces and nephews seems like a big deal to me and would not go over well. 
    Also, since you are having your sister's child in the wedding party and your own kids I as a parent and sibling would likely take it as a slap in the face.

    I would not do this. But if you want to you are within etiquette bounds. I just recommend calling the sibling now and making it clear instead of waiting for it to blow up later.

    BOX


    Yeah, I am going to change my original response given that your sister's kids are invited. I don't think it's that crazy that your brother would expect that his would be too, so CALL do not email, as soon as possible. I originally said to wait until they RSVP or something, but now I see why he might just already think they are invited.

    Seriously, this sounds like something you should have a phone convo about, not an email.

    ETA: Clarity 
    image
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    banana468 said:
    Thanks for your responses. Flowers girls are my daughter and my sisters daughters , my sister is the moh. They are invited because I want them there and Will stay for the reception. I dont want any other kids there so I'm not inviting any others. i think I will email this week. They can have time for getting a sitter
    Wow.  You're inviting the kids of one sibling and not the other?

    Yeah, I think you have bigger issues there.  Unless there's more to the story here, I think you handling this the way you want is going to lead to your brother not attending either.  And unless there's more to the story, I think this is a pretty craptacular way to treat your brother. 
    Oh no, it's perfectly within the etiquette rules to invite some kids but not others!

    OP, why would you invite one sibling's children but not your other's?  Why would you invite one set of nieces but not your other nieces/nephews?  Realistically, how do you actually see this playing out? 

    I'd bet money that your brother and SIL are going to be offended and pissed as fuck at both you and your sister.  And if I was one of your nieces/nephews, your brother's kids, I'd be very hurt and wonder what the hell your problem is.  As your sister's child, I'd be offended on my cousin's behalf and wonder what the hell your problem was.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    banana468lyndausvi
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