Can you even adult? Just need to vent...

melbenso

So my 20th high school reunion is this weekend and I am traveling to my home town for it, as is my best friend from high school who lives in NYC and only makes it back once every year or two.  When I was in town about two months ago, I told our other friend that we would be in town this coming weekend for the reunion, but that was only Saturday night and we wanted to get to see her while we were there.  Her response: "Oh great.  We will have closed on the house by then. We'll still be fixing it up, but I would love it if you guys could come see it."  Cool.  I'd love to see the house she and her boyfriend bought.  It's her first house and she's really excited about it.  I'm happy for her.

Other friend called me last night about something completely unrelated. While talking to her, I asked what time she would like us to come over to see the new house this weekend.  She said she had to work all weekend and might not be able to show us the house.  Ok.  No big deal. Life happens. We continue with the other conversation.

I get out of a meeting in my office this morning and see that I have 6 texts from her complaining about how I never told her we were going to be in town and I really should have and she's sick of me just expecting she will be around when I am in town.  When I gently remind her that I did tell her, which is why I was specifically asking when would be good for her to show us the house, I get 8 more texts (3 in all caps) about how I should have reminded her that we were coming into town because I know she forgets things like this.  I (trying to be patient and understanding because she has a lot of other stressful things going on) say that it is unfair for her to expect me to know when she forgets things and send her reminders. That is not my responsibility to keep her calendar, and that if she couldn't remember exactly which weekend in June we were going to be in town, she could have called or texted either of us to ask. And that if she was still up for it and had time, I would love to see her new house (she's been really excited about it for a while and I know its important to her to show me).

And then there was more screaming at me over text.  My phone is now on do not disturb so I can actually get work done today. 

What I really wanted to say to her: You are 39 fucking years old. I gave you plenty of notice that I was going to be in town because I know you work weekends and need to ask for time off in advance.  It's not my fault that you didn't remember it or write it in your calendar.  I am not a fucking mind reader.  How can you expect me to know that you forgot?  You are pitching a temper tantrum like a child and blaming me for something you didn't do.  Grow up and stop texting me until you do.

Gah!

/endrant

novella1186

Wow, I would be really annoyed with that too. Because you're right; she's an adult and it's not your job to keep her calendar. I imagine if she forgot something important at work and then blamed her boss for not reminding her, she probably wouldn't be keeping that job much longer. 

thisismynickname2

melbenso said:

What I really wanted to say to her: You are 39 fucking years old. I gave you plenty of notice that I was going to be in town because I know you work weekends and need to ask for time off in advance.  It's not my fault that you didn't remember it or write it in your calendar.  I am not a fucking mind reader.  How can you expect me to know that you forgot?  You are pitching a temper tantrum like a child and blaming me for something you didn't do.  Grow up and stop texting me until you do.

What about actually saying: "I can see you're very upset. You know your friendship means a lot to me, so I need to say this.  I gave you plenty of notice that I was going to be in town because I know you work weekends and need to ask for time off in advance.  It's not my fault that you didn't remember it or write it in your calendar. I can't know if you forget something because I can't read your mind. You are overreacting right now, which makes me wonder if anything else is wrong. Maybe we can talk later, but please, stop texting me these angry messages."

melbenso

thisismynickname said:

melbenso said:

What I really wanted to say to her: You are 39 fucking years old. I gave you plenty of notice that I was going to be in town because I know you work weekends and need to ask for time off in advance.  It's not my fault that you didn't remember it or write it in your calendar.  I am not a fucking mind reader.  How can you expect me to know that you forgot?  You are pitching a temper tantrum like a child and blaming me for something you didn't do.  Grow up and stop texting me until you do.

What about actually saying: "I can see you're very upset. You know your friendship means a lot to me, so I need to say this.  I gave you plenty of notice that I was going to be in town because I know you work weekends and need to ask for time off in advance.  It's not my fault that you didn't remember it or write it in your calendar. I can't know if you forget something because I can't read your mind. You are overreacting right now, which makes me wonder if anything else is wrong. Maybe we can talk later, but please, stop texting me these angry messages."

That is essentially what I did say to her. She has stopped texting for now, so I'm just not going to engage while I am at work.  I will probably call her tonight to talk to her, but I am just so frustrated with her right now.  If she had texted something to the effect of "I'm so dissapointed that I am not going to get to see you guys because I have to work.  I wish we had talked about this more recently so that I could have remembered in time to request Friday off," I wouldn't be so annoyed. The fact that she is trying to make this entirely my fault is what is so galling. 

banana468

Is she normally like this?  Because my response depends on that.

thisismynickname2

Oh, I mis read the original post where you did try to talk to her. 

UGH. 

I kind of hate to say this, but I just can't deal with that kind of drama. Like Banana asks, is she normally like this? Someone who normally acts like this just wouldn't be my friend anymore. Life's too short to deal with people who can't adult. And if you only see her a few times a year, maybe it's not going to be much of a loss. 

But if this is abnormal behavior, I hope nothing else more serious is causing her to freak out. 

melbenso

banana468 said:

Is she normally like this?  Because my response depends on that.

Not quite this bad, but sometimes yes.  She is hypersensative to being left out of things, in part because she had a child at 22 and moved about 40 minutes away from the town we grew up in.  So, for many years when we would come back into town, she wasn't able to come out with us because her son was too young.  While we'd try to go see her and do kid-friendly things, she still got left out of a lot of the stuff that people do in their early 20s.  Eventually, we stopped asking if she wanted to come meet us for drinks, etc. and would instead ask if she and the munchkin would like to meet us for dinner before we went out, etc.  Even so, this was sometimes hard to work into a schedule since she lived farther away and almost always wanted us to come out to see her.  Now that her son is a teenager and doesn't need a babysitter, she is able to come out with us again and this issue seems to have been mostly fixed.  But I think she still harbors some of that (unfounded) insecurity that we don't want to spend time with her as much as we do with other people. 

My guess is that is what is happening here, especially in light of the other major stresses (work, new house, looking to go back to school, changing schools for her son when they move) that she is dealing with.  I know she is overwhelmed and having a rough time, which is why I chose my words carefully when responding to her and didn't just tell her to grow up, like I would have for a number of my other friends. But  this is not the first, nor will it likely be the last, time that I have born the brunt of her anger about not getting to see me due to circumstances that I can no way control.

banana468

If this isn't the first time then I'd give it a few days and I'd say, "I hope everything is OK and if you need to talk, please let me know.   I need to tell you that I was offended by the way you spoke to me because I felt like you were telling me that I should be parenting you.   I want to see you but I don't think it's appropriate for you to yell at me because you forgot.   I'd love to see you and I hope we can work something out."

onefootinthebayou

banana468 said:

If this isn't the first time then I'd give it a few days and I'd say, "I hope everything is OK and if you need to talk, please let me know.   I need to tell you that I was offended by the way you spoke to me because I felt like you were telling me that I should be parenting you.   I want to see you but I don't think it's appropriate for you to yell at me because you forgot.   I'd love to see you and I hope we can work something out."

This.  As well as what nickname said about "makes me wonder if something else is wrong/going on".  This implies clearly that this is not normal behavior.  

melbenso

Scribe, I've offered that. She declined.

fyrchk

I run into this problem a lot. I live 1800 miles away from the town I graduated high school in. But, when I go back (generally to visit my parents) everyone wants ME to come to THEM and visit with them. I have tried organizing like a night out at the bar so people can pop in and out as they like and got complaints. I've offered to let people come to my parent's house and hang out (they have a gorgeous backyard with pool) and get complaints. I've finally said, "I flew 1800 miles and don't have a car here. You want to see me, make it happen. Otherwise, we'll catch up another time."

You went above and beyond, I think. You asked about seeing her house because she's so excited but if it's that much of a hassle for her...her loss.