Disappointed by a friend...

PrincessLeah77

Now that the dust has settled from my wedding (which was awesome, by the way), I have a left-over issue to deal with. One of my friends, who I have known for 20 years, did not attend. This would not be an issue with me, if she had a good excuse, but she did not give one. She went dress shopping with me and met my fiance about four months prior to the wedding (she lives in a different state), but then sent me an email one month out saying she was sorry she couldn't make it. She said she had a "previous commitment" that she'd had for a year. No other explanation. I was really hurt and stressed about it, mostly because I felt like she had kept something from me. I chose not to address it at the time, since I was planning a wedding, but it is still on my mind.

Any recommendations on how to approach my friend about this?

VeggieLove1022

I personally wouldn't approach it at all. Not everyone can make an across state lines trip at the moment and that doesn't make them a bad person. She had something going on, forget about it. Call her up and catch up with her just like normal. If she brings up the wedding just say, "I'm so sorry you missed it. I can't wait to see you in a few months though!" or whatever. Leave this alone because if you keep badgering, it will only turn things sour between you two. She wasn't able to make it, she can't change it, be done with it and you'll feel a lot better.

2010Bride2be

As pp said, you don't approach it. She didn't attend your wedding, and she doesn't need a 'good excuse' as to why she was unable to. It sounds like she let you know a month in advance, so it's not as if she was just a no show.

As you stated in your post, she lives out of state. With today's economy, it is very likely that she just didnt have the extra money to travel to your wedding. And if that is the case, she certainly does not have to disclose that information.

If she brings up the wedding, just say that you're sorry that she couldnt be there and leave it at that.

Kristin789

Ditto the previous posters.

PrincessLeah77

Thanks for the responses. Someone else mentioned the $$ thing to me, so guess that could be it. Thought she'd feel comfortable telling me that, but it's all good. I'll probably just leave it alone.

TaraW1979

I can relate. I had a close friend not attend my wedding. We had been friends for over 10 years! She rsvped yes and even the week of the wedding told me she'd be there but she ended up being a no-show. She told me on facebook that she was sick, but my bridesmaid saw her working the day before the wedding and said she looked fine. She hasn't called me yet and I am terribly upset! So, I totally understand what you are going through! 

starbritte1

I am in disagreement with the others who say don't approach it...You two are both adults and as an adult I would simply tell her that I wish I would have addressed this when first presented to me, however it did hurt me that you didn't attend such a special day for me.  If the friend mentions that it was $$$ then you should tell her that you two should be able to discuss issues such as money and perhaps something could have been worked out.  I am a person who feels that when something is bothering you don't just walk around harboring over it.  Speak up and ask questions - your friend may have a legitimate reason as to why she didn't come but just saying one month before the event date that she had a previous engagement, my thoughts are why didnt she disclose this to me when you first knew????  Or maybe you two are not as close as you thought.  I cherish my friendships and those who are near and dear to me  - we speak openly about what is going on and what is not.  For my day those who mean so much too me have been notified about our big day way in advance to give them ample time to make arrangements to come and to let us know the challenges that may prevent them from coming etc.

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-by-a-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:adeebc53-dca7-4173-8e6d-4dc0c042a51dPost:4d778887-8598-4742-b352-cbde08b8c3fd">Re: Disappointed by a friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]I can relate. I had a close friend not attend my wedding. We had been friends for over 10 years! She rsvped yes and even the week of the wedding told me she'd be there but she ended up being a no-show. She told me on facebook that she was sick, but my bridesmaid saw her working the day before the wedding and said she looked fine. She hasn't called me yet and I am terribly upset! So, I totally understand what you are going through! 
Posted by TaraW1979[/QUOTE]

I feel bad for you, no-shows have to suck. However, just because she was at work the day before and looked fine, doesn't mean that next day she didn't wake up with a splitting migraine or the stomach flu. Not trying to antagonize, just trying to show her side. She also could have just not wanted to go, some people aren't into weddings, but didn't have the heart to say so. Regardless, sorry to you and OP that you have hurt feelings from your wedding.

TaraW1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-by-a-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:adeebc53-dca7-4173-8e6d-4dc0c042a51dPost:192ea904-c280-4d2e-83f3-6ba131e447eb">Re: Disappointed by a friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed by a friend... : I feel bad for you, no-shows have to suck. However, just because she was at work the day before and looked fine, doesn't mean that next day she didn't wake up with a splitting migraine or the stomach flu. Not trying to antagonize, just trying to show her side. She also could have just not wanted to go, some people aren't into weddings, but didn't have the heart to say so. Regardless, sorry to you and OP that you have hurt feelings from your wedding.
Posted by LittleMissCutiePie[/QUOTE]

<div>She said on my facebook status, "I've been sick all week, but I can't wait to see pictures." No I'm sorry or nothing! She hasn't even mailed a card or called! </div>

LittleMissCutiePie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-by-a-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:adeebc53-dca7-4173-8e6d-4dc0c042a51dPost:39833139-fa3e-4bb9-ab54-5b7003092fc6">Re: Disappointed by a friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Disappointed by a friend... : She said on my facebook status, "I've been sick all week, but I can't wait to see pictures." No I'm sorry or nothing! She hasn't even mailed a card or called! 
Posted by TaraW1979[/QUOTE]

Ok, that's cold. She should have at least called by now. Sorry to hear that :(

mattycam

Sorry to hear about your friend. It does hurt but try to move past it.

PrincessLeah77

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-by-a-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:adeebc53-dca7-4173-8e6d-4dc0c042a51dPost:3c0e3412-8a42-4ba5-8420-5f94f74a68a6">Re: Disappointed by a friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am in disagreement with the others who say don't approach it...You two are both adults and as an adult I would simply tell her that I wish I would have addressed this when first presented to me, however it did hurt me that you didn't attend such a special day for me.  If the friend mentions that it was $$$ then you should tell her that you two should be able to discuss issues such as money and perhaps something could have been worked out.  I am a person who feels that when something is bothering you don't just walk around harboring over it.  Speak up and ask questions - your friend may have a legitimate reason as to why she didn't come but just saying one month before the event date that she had a previous engagement, my thoughts are why didnt she disclose this to me when you first knew????  Or maybe you two are not as close as you thought.  I cherish my friendships and those who are near and dear to me  - we speak openly about what is going on and what is not.  For my day those who mean so much too me have been notified about our big day way in advance to give them ample time to make arrangements to come and to let us know the challenges that may prevent them from coming etc.
Posted by starbritte1[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your input, Starbritte... In fact, I did have another friend who called me to explain why she could not come, as she really did want to be there (and it was a $$ issue for her). Guess I expected the same from this other friend. 

Anyways, I have a lot to think about, as well as a decision to make. But either way, my day was great and I had lots of love and support from the family and friendswho <em>were</em> there.  

KatyRoseM

Some people are less comfortable talking about money than others.  Sometimes people think its best not to explain.  Give her some room or talk to her about how you wish she would have explained, but not in a way that implies you thought she had to be there.  All of this depends on your relationship with her and if you two can have this type of discussion without it being accusatory or something. 

Nicholettemtz

I have the same issue!! My MOH just out of the blue told me she wasnt coming to my wedding. She did tell me it was because of $$. However, she has been spending $$ here and there and has gone on trips and bought new things in the past 6 months when she has known about my wedding for over a year! I guess I understand when people say that some just can't do it and you cant hold it against them but I just have a hard time when they arent even trying.

PrincessLeah77

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_disappointed-by-a-friend?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:12Discussion:adeebc53-dca7-4173-8e6d-4dc0c042a51dPost:e3df6f36-ab30-4a12-877a-e4cf4f3e5445">Re: Disappointed by a friend...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have the same issue!! My MOH just out of the blue told me she wasnt coming to my wedding. She did tell me it was because of $$. However, she has been spending $$ here and there and has gone on trips and bought new things in the past 6 months when she has known about my wedding for over a year! I guess I understand when people say that some just can't do it and you cant hold it against them but I just have a hard time when they arent even trying.
Posted by Nicholettemtz[/QUOTE]

Yeah, mine was sort of a destination wedding (in Florida) and I told everyone six months ahead of time, and even warned them about travel costs going up close to the date, due to the snow birds. I had one cousin who canceled six days prior to the wedding. I guess he thought he'd get a flight last minute, but failed to realize how much it would cost. Some people just don't plan ahead, to their own detriment, most of the time. Even so, I would have liked for him to be there!

culturalrelativist

I don't think you should expect people to discuss their money issues with you if they have them. That can be a personal/private issue for many people.

I understand why its upsetting for you all to have your friends miss on your weddings, but weddings are expensive - not just for you but for your attendants/attendees, especially when they are across state lines. I know its hard not to take it personally, but I don't think you should - I doubt it was meant that way. 

thealphabride

I think the problem is that weddings have become so much more than they used to be.
The expense of the dress, shoes, hair, make up, jewelry is enough.

But today's brides expect the whole expensive bachelorette party, expensive wedding showers, day after brunches and much more.

I am quite a bit older of a bride, so when my friends and sisters got married many years ago, it was just the commitment to be at the shower and bring a gift, and buy the dress and shoes and bring a wedding gift.

 Everyone did their own hair and make up and the jewelry was usually a gift from the bride. The shower was almost always at someones home and cake and punch was served. There was no bachelerotte that the MOH was expected to plan and pay for as well as a big  shower.

When I got married in 2010, 3 of my best friends and I went to one's vacation house for the weekend to celebrate but it wasn't anything that they paid my way for. They didn't come to the shower, and that was FINE!!!

 There was a very small shower, which I didn't even want. And I only had my 2 sisters as attendants and let them choose a dress that was in their price range. They chose their own shoes jewelry and  I paid for all the make up for the moms and 2 girls and myself.

I would never attend a day after brunch, or arrange it and pay for it.

The weddings today have turned into much more than they used to be. And much more expensive!

RYLZ

I am not in favor of pushing people into giving you more explanation than they're comfortable with. A month before our wedding the friend who introduced us (but who had since moved to another state), emailed a very short note saying simply that it had become impossible for her to attend but she wished us well.  I wrote that I understood (even if I dind't really), and I hoped everything was ok, please stay in touch.

After the wedding, I called her to wish her a belated happy birthday and that's when she told me she was having multiple surgeries after finding out a month before the wedding that she had skin cancer.  She was struggling with difficult news that month before the wedding and just preferred to be tight-lipped about it--either because she didn't want to 'trouble' us with bad news or just wanted some privacy.  And that's her prerogative.  It would have been terrible for me to call and "confront" her and demand an explanation of her treatment of me, when really, this was about her.

Other people have all kinds of stuff going on in their lives that they're dealing with that they don't necessarily want to (or even have to) share.  And it doesnt' have to be cancer.  There are all kinds of things that are a bigger deal to someone than someone else's wedding celebration and they aren't obligated to necessarily explain them.

jmichlik

I had a frustrating situation happen as well: only one person from my dad's family (which consists of about 30 people) attended the wedding. The others were going on a vacation the day after the wedding and decided that the wedding was too inconvenient for them. My husband and I were pretty angry and hurt but we did not say anything.

I agree with the previous poster that trying to force an explanation out of someone can often make the situation worse, and also that there may in fact be other things in people's lives that are more important to them than a wedding. What I would like to say to these types of guests is this: it's okay that there are other things in your life that are more important than someone else's wedding. However, it would be nice if you could at least acknowledge the fact that this is an important event to the person who invited you regardless of how you feel about it. What bothered me about the sitation with my relatives was not so much that they did not attend but that they did not even acknowledge that my wedding had occurred. No one said anything afterward or sent cards (and I don't mean gifts, just cards, we got plenty of gifts). Many of them didn't even send back their declines. That to me said that they did not care at all and it hurt. Even if you can't (or don't want to) attend someone else's wedding it's not difficult to put a small amount of effort in to show the person that you care about them and are happy for them.