WWYD: controlling mom/vent

charlottesmom0626

Hey ladies-

I value everyone's opinions here and this woman is driving me insane, so this is partially a vent, and also the question: What would you do?

Background: My mom and I have never really been close or got on well with each other. If you ask her though, we have the perfect mother-daughter relationship. Based on things I've read/my own therapy sessions, she seems to show signs of histrionic personality disorder. 

She has fought with me over almost every detail of this wedding. She hated the idea of me not getting married in her town/country club, hated a barn venue, hates the food (we decided on BBQ), demanded a full open bar (we wanted to do beer/wine/soda), and personally added 100 people to our guest list (bringing the total to 200). Her and my father did financially contribute to the wedding, though they didn't cover the full cost (probably close to 50%). I originally told them we appreciated their financial gift but we didn't need it and intended to pay for the wedding on our own. My dad got really upset and insisted that as his only daughter, he wanted to at least help pay for the wedding.

I've tried to include my parents in everything and ask their opinions. For example, my mom hates the BBQ food, but I had her come to the tasting to see that it's not just burgers and hotdogs. I also had her choose all the appetizers for cocktail hour so that she was able to incorporate what she saw as "appropriate" wedding food. There's been other things that she's gotten her way with and I've bit my tongue because I know it was important to her.

We ended up having a lot of declines (which I was truthfully very happy about, I didn't want most of the people she invited to come to the wedding) and so I talked to her about having an open seating reception. We have 105 guests, I was going to have seas for approx 115/120. She hated this idea and insisted on assigned tables. I agreed, told the caterer/venue and they sent me a floor layout with the tables.

I did a preliminary seating chart and sent it to her to make any tweaks or changes. She called me and told me I did it completely wrong, I put the wrong people together, split up people, etc. I asked her if she wanted to fix it, and she then informed me she could only fix it by getting more tables because she thinks everyone in the same "family" should sit together (and I don't mean parents with children, she wants adult children to be at the same table). Am I being crazy!? Everyone at this wedding will know mostly everyone else, and everyone has been seated with their date/+1/guest. 

So now I'm confused because I think it looks ridiculous to have assigned seating where almost every table has two empty seats. I insisted we try to make it work with the setup the venue sent to us (because I also already paid the florist for centerpieces, ordered table numbers, and have everything set the way that is is) and she has been sending me nasty texts for almost 24 hours now. "you're so selfish" "we didn't ask you for anything and now you won't do this?" etc. I don't need or want this stress in my life right now.

The wedding is June 26, so I guess technically I could call the florist and order another table arrangement, and rush ship another table number, and get the venue to add a table..but I really don't want to and I'm stubborn and want her to deal with it.

Long story short: my mom is insisting on her way, yet again, and I really don't want to give in. Is it worth it to stand my ground?

CMGragain

Histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder are siblings.  My mother was the latter.
What are the consequences of you ignoring your mother's demands?  Is it worth it?  Only you can decide this.
You are not alone.  Many brides have broken families like yours, thanks to mental disorders.  Usually the best thing is to separate yourself.  When my DH asked me to marry him, it came with the provision that I move 1100 miles away from my mother to where his job was located.  Best offer I ever had in my life!  I didn't care what the wedding demands were, as long as my future was assured.  My only requests were a church wedding, and a bridal gown.

beachyone15

What has she done in the past when you have stood your ground? Does she eventually get over it?
I know we always say that if someone is paying, they should have a say (and IMO you have already given her plenty of leeway). I think if it were me, I'd put my foot down. Although I don't know your whole situation, and whether or not doing so would make things more problematic.

ETF: SP

charlottesmom0626

She mostly acts like a child and will continue to call and text me berating messages about how rude/selfish/inconsiderate I am: in this case probably until the day of the wedding. On one hand it really pains me to "give her her way" after her behavior, it's reinforcing...but on the other I really can't handle the stress of her calls and texts for the next two weeks

novella1186

Block her phone number. But first let her know that her nasty, hurtful texts are unacceptable. 

My dad was sending me nasty texts out of the blue, the week before my wedding. Didn't even bother to let me know what he was mad about, just started insulting me and saying awful things. I replied with something like "If you're going to act like a fucking child and be an asshole, then don't talk to me at all." Normally I wouldn't go this route, because with normal people it would just incite a fight, but with my psycho narcissistic dad it actually shut him up and I didn't hear from him again. 

In regards to what to do about the seating: is this the hill you want to die on? What will be more stressful for you? Standing your ground, or scrambling to accommodate yet another demand from her? 

Personally, I would stand my ground, only because it seems like there will always be yet another demand (or at least that's how my family is). Nothing will ever be good enough and they will never be satisfied, so you bend over backwards for them but they want more. And more and more and more. Till you are miserable and exhausted. I would put my foot down and-- as I said-- let her know you won't be communicating with her anymore if she's going to talk to you in such a shitty way and then block her number. 

[Deleted User]

Lie.

Tell her you're doing it the way she says, but do it the way you planned it out.  It will be the wedding day when she realizes it's all wrong.  And you can blame it on the printer/spreadsheet you worked on.  "OMG, I must have sent them the wrong spreadsheet!!!  What a dummy I am.  Oh well, at least everyone has a seat.  Guess we'll just have to sit down at our assigned seats.  Bummer!"

charlottesmom0626

Thanks everyone...I'm glad to know I'm not completely crazy and that this is her problem. Doesn't fix the fact that I have her as a mother, but it's nice to know it's her that is the issue.

I can't deal with her via phone, so I'm writing her an email to tell her I won't tolerate the way she's been talking to me, and remind her of all the things she's already demanded for this wedding. In itself adding another table isn't the end of the world, but it's the principle of the constant demands. Like @novella1186 said, there will always be another thing that I didn't do to her standards. 

I plan on not talking to her directly unless absolutely necessary and keeping any conversations as short as possible.

In my normal life, I avoid her calls and respond to her texts with only minimal necessary answers, but because of the wedding she's tried to insert herself more into my life. I know after this I can go back to my "happy place" aka life without her in it.

CMGragain

Just remember that histrionics do not accept responsibility for their actions.  They will say anything to avoid admitting that they did something wrong, including gaslighting you.

Knottie91379610

charlottesmom0626 said:

Thanks everyone...I'm glad to know I'm not completely crazy and that this is her problem. Doesn't fix the fact that I have her as a mother, but it's nice to know it's her that is the issue.

I can't deal with her via phone, so I'm writing her an email to tell her I won't tolerate the way she's been talking to me, and remind her of all the things she's already demanded for this wedding. In itself adding another table isn't the end of the world, but it's the principle of the constant demands. Like @novella1186 said, there will always be another thing that I didn't do to her standards. 

I plan on not talking to her directly unless absolutely necessary and keeping any conversations as short as possible.

In my normal life, I avoid her calls and respond to her texts with only minimal necessary answers, but because of the wedding she's tried to insert herself more into my life. I know after this I can go back to my "happy place" aka life without her in it.

You do what you gotta do, and if this is what it's going to take, so be it. It is not her place to take your wedding and make it her own. This is YOUR day, and not hers. So yes, don't completely cut off communications, she is your mother after all, but you got to cut some wires or the bomb will go off...

What you're doing is correct in my book.