Your Opinion Here: Who should really pay?

Knottie91379610

My girlfriends and I were talking about the tradition that the Bride's family pays for everything except for the officient, the rehearsal dinner, and I think one more item (the bouquet?). My family and his family didn't necessarily do it this way, but because we are planning the wedding out of state, my family did end up paying more in the end (which was find, because we still stayed in the budget). 

However, modern girls that we are, we agreed we don't believe a bride (or her family) should feel pressured into paying for everything as tradition has it. Honestly, we think it should be a unanimous decision of who pays what, and both sides should pitch in equally, as it is two individuals coming together to make a lifetime commitment together as equals. I also think that it is important to consider both parties financial situation. For example, I knew my future inlaws couldn't pay for much because they spent a lot on housing repairs. This was taken into consideration when creating the budget.

What do you all think about this tradition? What is appropriate and what is not?

Thank you all in advance! It will be interesting to read what you all have to say  

spglsp

There really is not much "appropriate" here. If people offer to contribute, you're welcome to take their money, but then they have some say in the proceedings. Not one is obligated to give you money though. This means two things. 1) You are not entitled to anyone else's money and may be paying for your wedding on your own. 2) just because one side of the family offers you money, doesn't mean the other side has to match it and this goes whether we're talking about bride's side or groom's side. 

frenchiekin

Knottie91379610 said:

My girlfriends and I were talking about the tradition that the Bride's family pays for everything except for the officient, the rehearsal dinner, and I think one more item (the bouquet?). My family and his family didn't necessarily do it this way, but because we are planning the wedding out of state, my family did end up paying more in the end (which was find, because we still stayed in the budget). 

However, modern girls that we are, we agreed we don't believe a bride (or her family) should feel pressured into paying for everything as tradition has it. Honestly, we think it should be a unanimous decision of who pays what, and both sides should pitch in equally, as it is two individuals coming together to make a lifetime commitment together as equals. I also think that it is important to consider both parties financial situation. For example, I knew my future inlaws couldn't pay for much because they spent a lot on housing repairs. This was taken into consideration when creating the budget.

What do you all think about this tradition? What is appropriate and what is not?

Thank you all in advance! It will be interesting to read what you all have to say  

To the bolded... sure, if the two sides you're talking about are you and your FI (and I mean only you two, as individuals).  It's not either of your families' responsibility to pay for your wedding, its your own.  If they offer something, that's great.  But you seem to be indicating that you would pressure or expect both your parents and your FILs to give an amount of money that meets your standards.  You are implying that you were being considerate of your future in-laws when creating your budget because you knew they had other expenses, when in fact you were being quite presumptuous and rude by assuming they should contribute anything at all.  You don't have the right to spend other people's money.  Again, if they offer, that is awesome - but it's not the responsibility of either set of parents.

Viczaesar

Knottie91379610 said:

My girlfriends and I were talking about the tradition that the Bride's family pays for everything except for the officient, the rehearsal dinner, and I think one more item (the bouquet?). My family and his family didn't necessarily do it this way, but because we are planning the wedding out of state, my family did end up paying more in the end (which was find, because we still stayed in the budget). 

However, modern girls that we are, we agreed we don't believe a bride (or her family) should feel pressured into paying for everything as tradition has it. Honestly, we think it should be a unanimous decision of who pays what, and both sides should pitch in equally, as it is two individuals coming together to make a lifetime commitment together as equals. I also think that it is important to consider both parties financial situation. For example, I knew my future inlaws couldn't pay for much because they spent a lot on housing repairs. This was taken into consideration when creating the budget.

What do you all think about this tradition? What is appropriate and what is not?

Thank you all in advance! It will be interesting to read what you all have to say  

The only people who should be paying are the two people getting married.  If other people offer and they choose to take them up on that, great.  But the only people actually on the hook for the expense are the two actually getting married.

Knottie91379610

Okay, I get that! I guess it's a little culutural difference thrown in I guess. I am Puerto Rican, and in my parent's weddings, both families are expected to contribute to help out as well as the couple. We call people who sponsor things, like paying for the cake, or the wedding shoes, "madrinas/padrinos" (godmothers/godfathers). I understand my fiance and I come from two different cultural backgrounds, and I totally get it; a lot of our wedding money is coming from our own pocket though. My mother decided to also help us financially and sponsor quite a few things, because that is what she thinks is proper etiquette. In retrospect, it's funny comparing hispanic expectations to American expectations, because from what I know about traditional American weddings the fact that a family wouldn't contribute anything at all would be considered very rude and borderline offensive. But we can learn from each other right? I am one for balance, so my personal opinion is the bride and groom should pay for whatever they can afford and the families should find something to pitch in with. But, I understand what you ladies are saying! As long as both parties are in agreement and their are no hurt feelings, then do what you will financially. To heck with tradition if you must, or follow it to a tee. Whatever works!

Knottie91379610

 

spglsp said:
There really is not much "appropriate" here. If people offer to contribute, you're welcome to take their money, but then they have some say in the proceedings. Not one is obligated to give you money though. This means two things. 1) You are not entitled to anyone else's money and may be paying for your wedding on your own. 2) just because one side of the family offers you money, doesn't mean the other side has to match it and this goes whether we're talking about bride's side or groom's side. 

Totally agree! Makes sense. 

lnixon8

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, I get that! I guess it's a little culutural difference thrown in I guess. I am Puerto Rican, and in my parent's weddings, both families are expected to contribute to help out as well as the couple. We call people who sponsor things, like paying for the cake, or the wedding shoes, "madrinas/padrinos" (godmothers/godfathers). I understand my fiance and I come from two different cultural backgrounds, and I totally get it; a lot of our wedding money is coming from our own pocket though. My mother decided to also help us financially and sponsor quite a few things, because that is what she thinks is proper etiquette. In retrospect, it's funny comparing hispanic expectations to American expectations, because from what I know about traditional American weddings the fact that a family wouldn't contribute anything at all would be considered very rude and borderline offensive. But we can learn from each other right? I am one for balance, so my personal opinion is the bride and groom should pay for whatever they can afford and the families should find something to pitch in with. But, I understand what you ladies are saying! As long as both parties are in agreement and their are no hurt feelings, then do what you will financially. To heck with tradition if you must, or follow it to a tee. Whatever works!

Boxes

I think you the traditional American wedding you are talking about is more like the weddings in American tv and movies. (Or maybe you meant traditional as in long ago when women would get married very young, and when weddings were often much simpler?) Now most American couples pay for their own weddings. Both men and women wait longer to get married with many of them already in a decent career. Or they live together before getting married and wait and save up for the wedding they can afford.

There really doesn't need to be an "agreement" between teh families. I don't have children but I would flip out if my future children and his/her partner wanted me to match or come to an agreement with the other family on how much to spend.

It's nice to have both families be involved (to an extent) and to have some extra money but I think you're mistaken that paying for your own wedding is seen as having rude or borderline offensive parents

mikenberger

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

aliwis000

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.

MyNameIsNot

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, I get that! I guess it's a little culutural difference thrown in I guess. I am Puerto Rican, and in my parent's weddings, both families are expected to contribute to help out as well as the couple. We call people who sponsor things, like paying for the cake, or the wedding shoes, "madrinas/padrinos" (godmothers/godfathers). I understand my fiance and I come from two different cultural backgrounds, and I totally get it; a lot of our wedding money is coming from our own pocket though. My mother decided to also help us financially and sponsor quite a few things, because that is what she thinks is proper etiquette. In retrospect, it's funny comparing hispanic expectations to American expectations, because from what I know about traditional American weddings the fact that a family wouldn't contribute anything at all would be considered very rude and borderline offensive. But we can learn from each other right? I am one for balance, so my personal opinion is the bride and groom should pay for whatever they can afford and the families should find something to pitch in with. But, I understand what you ladies are saying! As long as both parties are in agreement and their are no hurt feelings, then do what you will financially. To heck with tradition if you must, or follow it to a tee. Whatever works!

I think you are trying to expand your family's understandings and your own experiences to the rest of the continent. 

It is absolutely not considered "very rude and borderline offensive" for an American family not to contribute to their child's wedding. The fact is, most American couples pay for most or all of their own weddings, and a pretty big chunk do so with absolutely no contributions from parents. 

The couple should expect to pay for their own wedding. If family members offer to contribute, the couple should appreciate that contribution for the gift that it is. If family members do not offer to contribute, the couple should remember that they are grown adults and that there are no rules that anyone has to contribute in any way, shape or form. 

Family contributions are gifts and completely optional. No one needs to agree to shit, and if the couple gets their feelings hurt over the lack of a gift, they need to grow up. 

aliwis000

Oh, wanted to add,

Getting married is a VERY adult decision. In fact I think it is only passed in importance by having a child.

So if you are not adult enough to pay for the SECOND most adult/big/important/life changing thing that will happen in your life. You should not be getting married. By that I mean figure out what you can afford and play around that.

This could be a $500 courthouse wedding followed by a lunch to a 100k blow out. Figuring this stuff out is part of being a grown up.

banana468

aliwis000 said:

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.

To the bolded - HUH?   I remember hearing through the grapevine that a family member was judging that my parents were paying for the reception and it got a big WTF from me.   My parents offered and I accepted.  And it's no one's business.  (Also hypocritical of that person since she paid for her two daughter's weddings too.). 

haleyk620

Agree with others here that families should not be expected to contribute to weddings. If two adults are getting married then they should plan a wedding that they are able to fund entirely by themselves. Now if parents offer to help out, I think they should clearly outline what they will/will not be paying for. It just makes for easier planning, IMO.

Jen4948

The only people whose responsibility it is to pay for anything are the couple. Families are not required to even offer to pay-and when they do, they get a say.

novella1186

My dad's parents were wealthy and my mom was an orphan. So when they got married, my dad's parents paid for everything. That was "normal" in their family, and my grandma wanted this huge fancy, over the top wedding so she paid for it. My mom hated it. 

When I got engaged, my parents apparently had the same expectation; they were in control and were going to throw a ton of money into this thing. But since I didn't want them to be in control, and I'm an adult and have been financially independent for years, I declined their offer and didn't accept any of their money, which was definitely a good decision in the long run. My mom kept crying to me, "but the bride's parents, but the bride's parents!" Nope. It's not 1950. 

I agree with PP; the only people that should be expected to pay are the bride and groom. Expecting someone else to give you money or feeling entitled to someone else's money is gross. If they offer, great, but otherwise, budget and plan what you can afford and then call it a day. (Although this doesn't seem to be the majority sentiment in the US these days with all these damn honeyfunds, stag & does, GFM campaigns, cash bars, etc etc etc etc etc) 

TrixieJess

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

Yep this. Most couples nowadays pay for their own weddings. Sometimes parents pay for things, sometimes they don't. You should budget and plan for the wedding that you and your FI can afford, not based on the expectation of money that "should" be there.

[Deleted User]

When it comes to contributing, what's appropriate 

banana468 said:

aliwis000 said:

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.

To the bolded - HUH?   I remember hearing through the grapevine that a family member was judging that my parents were paying for the reception and it got a big WTF from me.   My parents offered and I accepted.  And it's no one's business.  (Also hypocritical of that person since she paid for her two daughter's weddings too.). 

Fi and I are adults and we have jobs and make a decent income; however, we don't have a disposable income that could allow for a wedding costing more than a few thousand dollars. We originally wanted (and could full afford to pay for) a destination wedding because that's what we could afford without our means.   Both sets of parents offered to help pay for the part of the wedding because they wanted to see us get married closer to home and they wanted us to have all our families there.  After weighing the pros and cons of a destination wedding, we accepted the offer.  It made more sense for our guests invited too. 

We never asked for money.  Our parents thought it would be nice to host something closer to home and include everyone. My parents don't give out money freely,  so I know this is something they truly wanted to do from the heart. 

This is why I've kept the information about my parents helping private.  I was raised never to talk about money because that allows people to make judgements that aren't any of their business.  I don't even tell people how much I pay in rent, because it isn't any of their business.     If parents want to help their grown children get married, that's their business and not anyone else's.   Family sometimes helps family and that's not for any outsiders to judge or comment on. 

simcal18

aliwis000 said: mikenberger said: Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding.  This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.


**************************EDIT BECAUSE BOXES********************************
Yeah, I don't get this at all.  Parents are not obligated to pay for weddings, but it's pretty common for them to contribute something, and there's nothing wrong with that.  I disagree with the assertions made here that most American couples pay for their own weddings--I've been to a ton of weddings and at every single one of them except one, at least one set of the parents has contributed something to the wedding.  And these are not fresh-out-of-school youngsters we're talking about either.  These are established professionals in their late 20s-early 30s.

It is rude to expect parents to contribute or to badger them into paying for more than they are comfortable with.  But this whole "if you can't pay for your own wedding, you shouldn't be getting married" stuff is a little specious.  My FI and I are in our early 30s.  We both have very good jobs.  We are absolutely capable of paying for and hosting our own wedding.  But both of sets of parents have offered us generous financial contributions towards the wedding, and we've accepted them graciously.  As a result, we're throwing a different sort of wedding than we would be if we were paying for it on our own.  Again, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.  Weddings are by their very nature family events.  It's not wrong or unusual for family to contribute.

And yes, sometimes the money comes with strings attached.  My heart hurts when I see people post on this board who are being brow-beaten by overcontrolling mothers or FMILs who think that a check means that they can run the show on their daughter/DIL's wedding day.  But it's not always like that.  The only requests we've received from either set of parents were some reasonable additions to the guest list.  We handled that with no problem.

Sometimes parents are just genuinely happy for their children and want them to have a nice wedding.  Parental contributions aren't always this infantilizing gesture or overcontrolling shitshow that they're so often made out to be on these boards.

thisismynickname2

I think anyone who wants a say in a wedding should help pay. 

Two adults choosing to marry should be prepared to pay for 100% of their wedding. 

The moment a family member has any expectations into how the event should be run, they should offer to pay.

I would have been happy to elope, but DH's mother had expectations to the family that should be invited. She also gave us a ton'o'cash to host them, so all was well. 

My best friend's MIL also had demands to the number of family and her friends (not the couple's friends, MIL's friends) and she wasn't offering enough money to cover the cost of hosting those people. My friend's DH is a mother-pleaser and coughed up the cash himself to host them, but it was high drama there for awhile. 

southernbelle0915

Adults pay for their own parties. If the people getting married are adults, they should pay for their own wedding. How they work that out between the two of them is up to them (i.e. 50/50, a % based on income, etc.). 

So yea, OP, I agree with you that the bride's parents shouldn't foot the bill. Neither should the groom's parents. The people getting married should.

aliwis000

banana468 said:

aliwis000 said:

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.

To the bolded - HUH?   I remember hearing through the grapevine that a family member was judging that my parents were paying for the reception and it got a big WTF from me.   My parents offered and I accepted.  And it's no one's business.  (Also hypocritical of that person since she paid for her two daughter's weddings too.). 

I should have been more clear. Any time they HAVE to have help or would not have the ability to do it on their own. I understand different people/families have different feelings on this. However, my parents in the last few years hit hard times. I could not imagine having a wedding that I would only be able to afford with their help. To each their own and I would never say this to the persons face, because you are right, it is not my business to comment. Just part of my internal dialog and what I post here online.

[Deleted User]

And yes, sometimes the money comes with strings attached.  My heart hurts when I see people post on this board who are being brow-beaten by overcontrolling mothers or FMILs who think that a check means that they can run the show on their daughter/DIL's wedding day.  But it's not always like that.  The only requests we've received from either set of parents were some reasonable additions to the guest list.  We handled that with no problem.

Sometimes parents are just genuinely happy for their children and want them to have a nice wedding.  Parental contributions aren't always this infantilizing gesture or overcontrolling shitshow that they're so often made out to be on these boards.

-Boxes-

I wanted to add that my parents didn't attach any strings to the money either.  They added a few friends to the guest list and that was about it.   I agree with you that sometimes a big debate is the control aspect that some parents use with money, but that's certainly not everyone.   Like I said above, my parents don't give money freely, but if they do it's because they truly want to do something nice. 

banana468

aliwis000 said:

banana468 said:

aliwis000 said:

mikenberger said:

Adults pay for their own things. If adults want to get married, adults pay for it themselves. They don't ask mommy and daddy to pay for the wedding that they want to have. That being said, if someone offers to pay - they can choose to accept or decline. But they also have to accept the consequences of inviting people into the planning of the wedding. 

This. I honestly roll my eyes ANY time others help pay for the wedding. I am almost 30 years old....my FI is 35. We are established in our jobs and make pretty good money. We save and budget and are paying for the wedding. Just like we pay all the other bills in our life, or we want to go on vacation or buy a new item....a wedding is the same freaking thing.

I will say that my FMIL is doing the rehearsal dinner. We are fully able to do this as well but she insisted several times. She is in her 70's and this will be her only child to get married so as she says "I have been waiting on this a LONG TIME." For some people it is easier for the couple to just decline, in this case it was easier to just let her go. I have given up all control of the event and if she asks my opinion I "softly" tell her but always end it with "we are not picky, anything you think will be best is great!" And here is the kicker, I really do mean it. Plus if she were to pull her offer tomorrow my FI and I would pick it up and write the check for the event she had planned. It would not put us out or dip into our emergency funds.

And I call a big BS to the cultural thing. Now maybe if you still live or are having a wedding in the country this is common in then ok whatever. But if you are an adult in America you should be paying for your own stuff. Period.

To the bolded - HUH?   I remember hearing through the grapevine that a family member was judging that my parents were paying for the reception and it got a big WTF from me.   My parents offered and I accepted.  And it's no one's business.  (Also hypocritical of that person since she paid for her two daughter's weddings too.). 

I should have been more clear. Any time they HAVE to have help or would not have the ability to do it on their own. I understand different people/families have different feelings on this. However, my parents in the last few years hit hard times. I could not imagine having a wedding that I would only be able to afford with their help. To each their own and I would never say this to the persons face, because you are right, it is not my business to comment. Just part of my internal dialog and what I post here online.

OK - that makes sense.

If our parents didn't offer then we would have had a different kind of wedding - so now I understand.  

PrettyGirlLost

spglsp said:

There really is not much "appropriate" here. If people offer to contribute, you're welcome to take their money, but then they have some say in the proceedings. Not one is obligated to give you money though. This means two things. 1) You are not entitled to anyone else's money and may be paying for your wedding on your own. 2) just because one side of the family offers you money, doesn't mean the other side has to match it and this goes whether we're talking about bride's side or groom's side. 

This.

When two adults get married, they should be responsible for paying for their own wedding themselves. If that means having a 2 or 3 year engagement, so be it.

If anyone offers a financial contribution, that is very generous and you are free to accept or decline as you wish.  But as the PP I quoted, if one set of parents offer money towards the wedding, that does not mean the other set has to, nor does it mean they have to match what the 1st set offered.

STARMOON44

I don't understand the judgement about parents paying at all. If anyone wants to give me $75000 no strings attached except "must be spent on a wedding" awesome. Like, why are you judging how other people's parents choose to spend their money?

I think it's wrong to expect anyone to pay but I have zero problems with people happily accepting offers to help pay.

VulgarGirl

We just paid for our own. Since there were two brides and all the traditions are for a bride and groom couple we couldn't figure out who the fuck was suppossed to pay for what. I mean, did we just get no rehearsal dinner then? Did our dads just split the ceremony costs 50/50? If my dad paid for the rehearsal dinner, was I the groom?

Just made our pretty little heads spin. So we picked up the tab for everything. Big upside, no one else got a say about what we did/didn't do. 

chloe97

STARMOON44 said:

I don't understand the judgement about parents paying at all. If anyone wants to give me $75000 no strings attached except "must be spent on a wedding" awesome. Like, why are you judging how other people's parents choose to spend their money? I think it's wrong to expect anyone to pay but I have zero problems with people happily accepting offers to help pay.

Completely agree! There is nothing that annoys me more about the wedding process than people who think they know what other people should be spending their money on. My FMIL is annoyed that her sister isn't inviting us all to her daughters rehearsal and hosting a breakfast afterwards, because as she says "That is what's done." Nevermind that the couple is hosting their own wedding and are accepting virtually nothing from their parents. Meanwhile, my own mom thinks my FMIL is going over the top hosting our entire extended family to the rehearsal dinner. Whatever Mom, not your choice!

OliveOilsMom

H & I were fully prepared to pay for our own wedding.  It would have meant a 2 year engagement, if so.  I grew up with my dad joking that I was on my own for my wedding because by the time that came around he'd be on a fixed income and retired.  Well, turns out my parents bought stock to pay for mine and my sister's weddings.  Funny, how when I was a kid I would here my parents happy when the stock went up, I had no idea why!  When they came to us with the offer, we were gracious and accepted.  But had that offer not come, H & I were fine to wait until we could plan something we could have afforded on our own.

I don't know why people just assume their parents will help pay for their wedding.  I think its rude and offensive for a grown adult to assume their parents will pay for their party!

ChemFanatic25

Knottie91379610 said:

Okay, I get that! I guess it's a little culutural difference thrown in I guess. I am Puerto Rican, and in my parent's weddings, both families are expected to contribute to help out as well as the couple. We call people who sponsor things, like paying for the cake, or the wedding shoes, "madrinas/padrinos" (godmothers/godfathers). I understand my fiance and I come from two different cultural backgrounds, and I totally get it; a lot of our wedding money is coming from our own pocket though. My mother decided to also help us financially and sponsor quite a few things, because that is what she thinks is proper etiquette. In retrospect, it's funny comparing hispanic expectations to American expectations, because from what I know about traditional American weddings the fact that a family wouldn't contribute anything at all would be considered very rude and borderline offensive. But we can learn from each other right? I am one for balance, so my personal opinion is the bride and groom should pay for whatever they can afford and the families should find something to pitch in with. But, I understand what you ladies are saying! As long as both parties are in agreement and their are no hurt feelings, then do what you will financially. To heck with tradition if you must, or follow it to a tee. Whatever works!

Boxes?

This I actually find absolutely rude. Who cares what someone else thinks? The agreement of who pays for what is between the involved parties (if that includes parents then fine). It doesn't involve anyone else and if someone has the gall to 'judge' parents because they didn't contribute well screw them. It is absolutely not their place to judge and I find that appalling that someone would think it is. They can go nosey their way into someone else's business.

 

My mother does not make much money. She makes a little above minimum wage. I would be so pissed off if someone decided to judge her because she didn't 'contribute to my wedding.' It's her freaking money. She is allowed to spend it however she wants and I am most definitely not asking her for anything. I wouldn't even think to do something like that.

 

Thankfully I don't have terrible and judg-y family or friends like that who would deign to think that money-contribution = not-rude.

 

Edit: Spelled word wrong.

madamerwin

FI and I were prepared to pay for everything ourselves, but then his mom and my dad offered to contribute, so we ended up only paying for half of it. And then, when my grandpa passed away a few months ago, I found out that he told my mom and aunt that he wanted to contribute $1k as well, so my aunt wrote a check. It was a wonderful surprise.

ChemFanatic25 said:

My mother does not make much money. She makes a little above minimum wage. I would be so pissed off if someone decided to judge her because she didn't 'contribute to my wedding.' It's her freaking money. She is allowed to spend it however she wants and I am most definitely not asking her for anything. I wouldn't even think to do something like that.

My mom too. She really wanted to be able to contribute financially, but she is on a fixed income. I'd be pissed if anyone judged her for not contributing financially, especially when she is doing SO MUCH for me in other ways (all of which she volunteered to do with zero prompting from me) - she made the flower girl dresses, she helped me make monogrammed cosmetic bags for my BMs (let's be honest, she made them with direction from me), she illustrated a coloring book for the kids at the wedding with drawings of us doing things we enjoy, made the ring bearer pillow and flower girl baskets, she did calligraphy for my invitations, took in my wedding dress, and offered to do any alterations for bridal party members. So yeah, if someone judged her for not contributing money, I'd be ragey. She has done SO damn much to help, and I literally would have gone crazy if she had not offered up her talents. There are other ways people help that have no dollar amount tied to them.

KatWAG

VulgarGirl said:

We just paid for our own. Since there were two brides and all the traditions are for a bride and groom couple we couldn't figure out who the fuck was suppossed to pay for what. I mean, did we just get no rehearsal dinner then? Did our dads just split the ceremony costs 50/50? If my dad paid for the rehearsal dinner, was I the groom?

Just made our pretty little heads spin. So we picked up the tab for everything. Big upside, no one else got a say about what we did/didn't do. 

Doesn't one of you have to be the man in the relationship? isn't that how it works?