Vent: PPD

ashleybunny8

In February, BF's BFF announced that he and his GF eloped back in August 2014. They didn't want to tell anyone, but ended up getting found out by her dad, so they spilled the beans. To appease their families, they are having a "wedding" this August. They asked BF to be in the wedding, and then, in order to have even numbers, asked me to be in it as well.

BF and I are 100% over dealing with their wedding. My dress was $150. BF's suit is over $100, and the wedding is on a Friday, so we have to take off work. Mine will be unpaid as well. On top of that, they are only having a small ceremony and then a dinner at a restaurant- pretty sure no more than 30 people will be there. They expect all of our friends (who are not invited) to go out with them afterwards (to a bar) for more celebrating.

The problem is that our friends are all con-goers, and there is a con that weekend, so pretty much everyone (except me and BF) will be out of town for the con. The couple is extremely upset that no one will be there to party with them, AND they are upset with me and BF that we don't want to go out after dinner (because we will be driving to the con early the next morning).

Am I being rude or selfish in being upset that I (a) had to pay $150 for a dress, (b) have to take an unpaid day off of work, and (c) will be missing half of a day of something I was really looking forward to? I feel like, if they weren't already married, I would be fine with this, but THEY chose to elope and not have a 'real' wedding. I am just so annoyed!!! I feel so childish for being upset!

bride2b71614

Yikes. When is this wedding?

Sure you can feel upset and vent about it, and yes its annoying, but I do think that the solution would be to just skip the wedding altogether. You said it yourself, you would have to take time off, you wouldn't be getting paid, and you'd rather be at the convention.

As for the money: Does your BF have a decent suit, or was it bought for the sole purpose of this wedding? If not, its not necessarily money lost, he can still wear it for other occasions. Could you possibly return the dress to save money? Did you already notify your boss for taking time off? You could always change it.

Yes, it is okay to feel upset, but you can get over it quickly by not going. They decided to get married without the big party, and thats not your fault. An invitation is not a summons, you do not have to go. Yeah they might be upset at you but you can't control how they react, but I think you'll be a lot happier if you just don't attend. If anything, you could always offer to take them out to lunch at a later time to celebrate?

lavenderfields13

Personally if you didn't want to take off work or spend money on a dress then you shouldn't have agreed to do be in the wedding. PPDs are rude and I hate them but I don't think you can get upset about something you agreed to do. 

eilis1228

I go back and forth on what I think about this thread. On the one hand, yes, it's a PPD. It's an etiquette faux pas. That being said, you and your BF agreed to be in the wedding party. One or both of you could have declined since taking a day off work is a big inconvenience. Additionally, as a member of the wedding party, you could have told the bride and groom your budget for the attire and asked for an alternative dress and suit option. 

While you have the right to be annoyed, no one made you say yes to being a BM. You knew the date of the PPD going into it and could have declined. You also could have spoken up about the cost of the attire and let the B&G know your budget for those things.

Blue & White

Yea I feel like @eilis1228 the original PPD is an etiquette fail but once you agree to being in the party you're throwing away the friendship if you back out. One thing that is important to keep in mind though is that it is perfectly fine to not be able to do something optional at a wedding. You obviously don't have to go to the bar afterwards. If you don't want to,
Don't.

phira

From what you've said, it sounds like "ceremony" and dinner = the wedding, and the bar is an after party?

CMGragain

Why did you agree to be in this vow renewal ?  It is not a wedding.

cu97tiger

ashleybunny8 said:

In February, BF's BFF announced that he and his GF eloped back in August 2014. They didn't want to tell anyone, but ended up getting found out by her dad, so they spilled the beans. To appease their families, they are having a "wedding" this August. They asked BF to be in the wedding, and then, in order to have even numbers, asked me to be in it as well.

BF and I are 100% over dealing with their wedding. My dress was $150. BF's suit is over $100, and the wedding is on a Friday, so we have to take off work. Mine will be unpaid as well. On top of that, they are only having a small ceremony and then a dinner at a restaurant- pretty sure no more than 30 people will be there. They expect all of our friends (who are not invited) to go out with them afterwards (to a bar) for more celebrating.

The problem is that our friends are all con-goers, and there is a con that weekend, so pretty much everyone (except me and BF) will be out of town for the con. The couple is extremely upset that no one will be there to party with them, AND they are upset with me and BF that we don't want to go out after dinner (because we will be driving to the con early the next morning).

Am I being rude or selfish in being upset that I (a) had to pay $150 for a dress, (b) have to take an unpaid day off of work, and (c) will be missing half of a day of something I was really looking forward to? I feel like, if they weren't already married, I would be fine with this, but THEY chose to elope and not have a 'real' wedding. I am just so annoyed!!! I feel so childish for being upset!

Honestly, yes, I do think you're being rude and selfish to be upset about all that stuff. An invitation to be in a wedding is not a summons. If you were really that upset about all of this stuff, then you shouldn't have agreed to be in the wedding. It's a huge etiquette breach, and you didn't have to go along with it. 

Also, to the second bolded part... an elopement IS a real wedding. A real wedding is one in which the couple is married at the end, therefore, elopement = wedding.

ashleybunny8

Thanks everyone. I know I agreed to it, but that was before it turned into an all-day thing (it was originally set for after 4:00, so I wouldn't need a full day off work). It has sort of snowballed out of control and I just needed to get it off my chest. I'll have to just suck it up and wait for it to be over!

jenjen047

agree with PP here.  the PPD is unnecessary and annoying, but you didn't have to attend and/or be a BM so at this point i t think you need to suck it up and accept it for what it is, unfortunately.

did the couple ask what your budget was for attire before making you purchase the dress/suit?

speakeasy14

Ok so I agreee with everyone else, but it sounds like the issue is more about the after party.  If you have other plans, you do not have to go.  If she's upset none of her friends are going, she should have invited them to her wedding. Not your problem at all. 

phira

Yeah, I think that the issue I'm having here is with the after party and how clear it was that it was part of the wedding when the OP agreed to be in the wedding party and go to the wedding.