Maid of Honor Trouble

carleymonique8089991

 

Viczaesar

cheyannseely94 said:

I have two Maids of Honor. My fiance's sister who I'm very close to and my best friend. I'll call my best friend "Kate". Kate and I have been friends have been friends for six years. I never asked her to be my maid of honor, she just assumed the position and I was honestly fine with it. But now I've been having some problems, as soon as my wedding started getting planned, Kate started putting pressure on her boyfriend of almost 3 years for marriage, and in January he dumped her and I helped her through that hard time like any friend would.  And now she has been starting to be very flakey. She doesn't show up to help me with tasks she insisted she wanted to do. Kate and my other MOH are both planning the bridal shower and delegating out who would get what so it is fair. Now Kate isn't getting any of the things they both agreed, and is claiming she doesn't have any money.(she has a shopping problem) But then my other MOH sees snap chats of her new outfits saying "#byebyemoney, love my new clothes!" So now my other maid of honor is upset and angry with her. We even had bridal shower meetings all together where Kate agreed to get her fair share. And then she still has not done it. Now my other MOH is stressed and is buying every thing. Also when I would ask for her opinion on decor or ect. she used to be very helpful. Now any time I ask her anything she goes on and on about how at her future wedding she wants this and this. (And no I don't forget to ask about her personal life and how she is doing) She has even been trying to get attention from my fiance' and is making subtle moves on him. And they were really close, but now he is uncomfortable around her. And I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she went through a messy break up and I care about her. But now for the sake of my other MOH, I should ask her in a nice way to just be a bridesmaid. Like saying "Hey I know you have been talking about how your going through some financial difficulty, would it be less stressful for you to be a bridesmaid?" I'm honestly hurt that her shopping excursions (which is her coping mechanism) is more important then her BFF's wedding. I've never asked her to do the shower. She and my other MOH offered to. And now that she keeps flaking and is being difficult, I feel like sometimes she's trying to cause me stress on purpose. Sometimes not, but recently it has been really obvious. What should I do?  

Reduce your expectations, stat.  Nobody is required to do anything for your wedding.  Your wedding party is honorary; it does not come with duties or jobs.  The only thing any of your wedding party members, be they bridesmaids or maids of honor, need to do is get the attire by the time of the wedding.  The only difference between MOH and bridesmaid is that the MOHs are the ones to whom you're closest.  That's it.  They are not responsible for planning or paying for a shower or bachelorette party and they are not responsible for helping you plan your wedding. 

So she has a shopping addiction and is upset about the dissolution of her own relationship; why are you surprised that she has money problems and is less than thrilled about discussing your wedding when her own dreams of marrying her ex were recently dashed?  Stop expecting her to buy things for your wedding parties and discuss wedding ideas with you.  Worry more about your friend's mental health.  Do not, for the love of all that is holy, "demote" her.  That is an absolutely douchey move.  You asked her to stand next to you when you get married to the love of your life because - presumably - you love her and want to honor your relationship with her.  Kicking her out of the honorary role of MOH is a very public and loud slap to the face, basically saying "I still love you, just not as much as I used to because you're not as good at doing grunt work for my wedding as Other Friend."

paperpusher

I agree with @Viczaesar.
Lower your expectations of what your maids of honor and bridesmaids are supposed to do. Only requirement for them is to buy the dress and show up on time.
We say this all the time here - her financial business is none of your business.
If you do ask her to be a bridesmaid be expected that that will severely hurt your friendship.
Only thing I can suggest is maybe letting your other MOH know that if she still insists on planning you a party then to have her do it at a budget she's comfortable with and not to rely on the help of the other one.

AddieCake

Yeah, don't demote her. Just stop expecting her to contribute to parties or help with tasks and proceed without her help. She shouldn't agree to do things and then back out, but it would be shitty to demote her for doing so as well.

Maggie0829

cheyannseely94 said:

I have two Maids of Honor. My fiance's sister who I'm very close to and my best friend. I'll call my best friend "Kate". Kate and I have been friends have been friends for six years. I never asked her to be my maid of honor, she just assumed the position and I was honestly fine with it. But now I've been having some problems, as soon as my wedding started getting planned, Kate started putting pressure on her boyfriend of almost 3 years for marriage, and in January he dumped her and I helped her through that hard time like any friend would.  And now she has been starting to be very flakey. She doesn't show up to help me with tasks she insisted she wanted to do. Kate and my other MOH are both planning the bridal shower and delegating out who would get what so it is fair. Now Kate isn't getting any of the things they both agreed, and is claiming she doesn't have any money.(she has a shopping problem) But then my other MOH sees snap chats of her new outfits saying "#byebyemoney, love my new clothes!" So now my other maid of honor is upset and angry with her. We even had bridal shower meetings all together where Kate agreed to get her fair share. And then she still has not done it. Now my other MOH is stressed and is buying every thing. Also when I would ask for her opinion on decor or ect. she used to be very helpful. Now any time I ask her anything she goes on and on about how at her future wedding she wants this and this. (And no I don't forget to ask about her personal life and how she is doing) She has even been trying to get attention from my fiance' and is making subtle moves on him. And they were really close, but now he is uncomfortable around her. And I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she went through a messy break up and I care about her. But now for the sake of my other MOH, I should ask her in a nice way to just be a bridesmaid. Like saying "Hey I know you have been talking about how your going through some financial difficulty, would it be less stressful for you to be a bridesmaid?" I'm honestly hurt that her shopping excursions (which is her coping mechanism) is more important then her BFF's wedding. I've never asked her to do the shower. She and my other MOH offered to. And now that she keeps flaking and is being difficult, I feel like sometimes she's trying to cause me stress on purpose. Sometimes not, but recently it has been really obvious. What should I do?  

I stopped reading after the bolded.  You had bridal shower meetings?  Seriously?

MyNameIsNot

Why would being a bridesmaid be less stressful than being MOH? Neither has any duties or financial responsibilities.

Tell the other MOH to plan on doing the shower by herself, or scrap it if it's too much for her. Then tell her to quit looking at this girl's social media and to quit gossiping about how she spend her money. 

Be a friend and focus on what your "BFF" is going through rather than how her hard time affects you. 

novella1186

Agree with PP. It is not your friend's job to plan your wedding or throw parties for you or pay for things or do wedding-related tasks. Nope. Being MOH is an honor, not a job. Do not demote her. If your other MOH can't afford the party she planned for you, then she should scale it back and make simpler plans that she can afford, because it would be ridiculous to spend outside her means for the sake of a silly party. 

It sounds like your friend is going through a very hard time and wedding talk is probably the LAST thing she wants to deal with. FWIW I went through a pretty terrible breakup several years ago, and if my best friend was planning a wedding at the time and kept talking about it and trying to get me to do wedding-related things for her, it would have been tons of salt in the wound, and I would have hated it. 

I think you and your friend both need some space from each other. She needs a break from wedding stuff and a chance to cope with what she's going through. You need to stop putting pressure on her and pulling her into your wedding stuff. Next time you speak with her, do not mention your wedding at all. Just be there for her, and be a friend without your wedding being at the center of everything. 

climbingsingle

1.Being a MOH or BM is not a job with duties. These are supposed to be your closest friends you're honoring. They are not required to help you plan.

2. What she does with her money is not your business. 

3. Why are you involved in the planning of your bridal shower?

4. Again, she's not required to spend any money on anything other than a dress. 

5. Your wedding is important to you, not everyone else on the planet. 

6. Chill the fuck out. 

pinkcow13

You and you Fiance should be planning your wedding, not you and your bridesmaids. Are you marrying one of them?

There are no duties besides showing up the day of the wedding. You should not be involved in the planning of your bridal shower besides confirming what dates work and who you would like invited (after they give you the amount of people that they can properly host).

What she does with her money and time is her business.

Lower your expectations. She's not even required to help plan your shower, let alone attend weekly meetings or whatever.

Do not "demote" her, that's just rude.

Like Climbing said, Chill. Your wedding is one day. Your friendships should last a lifetime. Don't ruin friendships over ONE day.

Chipmunk415

Only potential point in your favor, op, is the part about her flirting with your fiance. Given your anger and hurt feelings over everything else, that might be coloring your views of their interactions. However, one of the few occasions where it might be ok to remove someone from your party is if you catch her actively trying to or managing the fondling of your fi against his will. Other occasions involve them being a serial killer or a psycho who slaughtered your puppy due to a dislike of the color scheme you chose for dresses.

Other than that, let it go. She just has to show up on time, in the dress, and sober enough to stand upright through the ceremony

southernbelle0915

cheyannseely94 said:

What should I do?  

I'm not quoting the rest because I feel for people on mobile. So what should you do?

- stop expecting people to do things for you/your wedding 

- if you really think she's flirting with your fiance, address that with her (not related to the wedding because it's not..)

- have a margarita

novella1186

scribe95 said:

I completely understand that all of this is voluntary and for brides not to expect anything etc. 

But it sounds like in this case the MOH volunteered/agreed to do this stuff with the other MOH - help pay for the shower etc and now is not keeping her commitment. That's a totally different situation to me. I would be annoyed.

At the same time I would simply stay out of it and tell the MOH's to work this out on their own. 

I thought the same thing, but I also wonder if she was pressured into it or made to feel obligated. If it was automatically expected of her (because it seems like the bride has an expectation that MOHs HAVE to do these sorts of things) then maybe she felt like she didn't have the option of saying "I'm not interested in throwing you a party" or whatever. I mean who knows. Either way I'm making assumptions but this seemed likely to me. 

pinkcow13

scribe95 said:

I completely understand that all of this is voluntary and for brides not to expect anything etc. 

But it sounds like in this case the MOH volunteered/agreed to do this stuff with the other MOH - help pay for the shower etc and now is not keeping her commitment. That's a totally different situation to me. I would be annoyed.

At the same time I would simply stay out of it and tell the MOH's to work this out on their own. 

Yea, I get your point. But, at the same time, OP needs to stay out. When my bridal party was planning my bachelorette, etc, I knew there were some small issues in regards to one of the girls not pulling her weight (and this is in regards to things she had told the girls she would do)-  but I stayed out of that shit. I did speak with said BM early on to ensure that her budget was taken into consideration (it was), and I assured her I did not expect anything of her besides showing up the day of. After that, they are adults, so I left that up to them. It worked out in the end, so I think that's all you can do. Even if she promises to do things, I feel like the bride should stay out of it, being that none of the pre wedding stuff is a requisite.

MyNameIsNot

novella1186 said:

scribe95 said:

I completely understand that all of this is voluntary and for brides not to expect anything etc. 

But it sounds like in this case the MOH volunteered/agreed to do this stuff with the other MOH - help pay for the shower etc and now is not keeping her commitment. That's a totally different situation to me. I would be annoyed.

At the same time I would simply stay out of it and tell the MOH's to work this out on their own. 

I thought the same thing, but I also wonder if she was pressured into it or made to feel obligated. If it was automatically expected of her (because it seems like the bride has an expectation that MOHs HAVE to do these sorts of things) then maybe she felt like she didn't have the option of saying "I'm not interested in throwing you a party" or whatever. I mean who knows. Either way I'm making assumptions but this seemed likely to me. 

I drew the same conclusion, partially because OP mentioned having a meeting about shower planning. 

Still, whether this MOH volunteered or was voluntold, it's pretty clear that she's not interested now. Even if she's flaking, that's no reason for her to be "demoted."  

fyrchk

cheyannseely94 said:

She has even been trying to get attention from my fiance' and is making subtle moves on him. And they were really close, but now he is uncomfortable around her.

Not sure how this got missed. But this should be addressed. Whether she just broke up with her boyfriend or not, this is not cool.

huskypuppy14

So you want to demote your friend from MOH to BM because she hadn't been pulling her weight in regards to you shower and other planning? What a great friend you are!

What do you mean, she assumed the position? Maybe she thinks she's MOH because she's your best friend, and you didn't correct her, so that's on you.

You should not be involved in planning your bridal shower. And she doesn't have to pay for anything in regards to your wedding other than the dress (which I hope you asked for her budget).

Your wedding is important to you, it's not the most important thing to everyone else.

Paragraphs are your friend.

cheyannseely94 said:

I have two Maids of Honor. My fiance's sister who I'm very close to and my best friend. I'll call my best friend "Kate". Kate and I have been friends have been friends for six years. I never asked her to be my maid of honor, she just assumed the position and I was honestly fine with it. But now I've been having some problems, as soon as my wedding started getting planned, Kate started putting pressure on her boyfriend of almost 3 years for marriage, and in January he dumped her and I helped her through that hard time like any friend would.  And now she has been starting to be very flakey. She doesn't show up to help me with tasks she insisted she wanted to do. Kate and my other MOH are both planning the bridal shower and delegating out who would get what so it is fair. Now Kate isn't getting any of the things they both agreed, and is claiming she doesn't have any money.(she has a shopping problem) But then my other MOH sees snap chats of her new outfits saying "#byebyemoney, love my new clothes!" So now my other maid of honor is upset and angry with her. We even had bridal shower meetings all together where Kate agreed to get her fair share. And then she still has not done it. Now my other MOH is stressed and is buying every thing. Also when I would ask for her opinion on decor or ect. she used to be very helpful. Now any time I ask her anything she goes on and on about how at her future wedding she wants this and this. (And no I don't forget to ask about her personal life and how she is doing) She has even been trying to get attention from my fiance' and is making subtle moves on him. And they were really close, but now he is uncomfortable around her. And I have been trying to give her the benefit of the doubt because she went through a messy break up and I care about her. But now for the sake of my other MOH, I should ask her in a nice way to just be a bridesmaid. Like saying "Hey I know you have been talking about how your going through some financial difficulty, would it be less stressful for you to be a bridesmaid?" I'm honestly hurt that her shopping excursions (which is her coping mechanism) is more important then her BFF's wedding. I've never asked her to do the shower. She and my other MOH offered to. And now that she keeps flaking and is being difficult, I feel like sometimes she's trying to cause me stress on purpose. Sometimes not, but recently it has been really obvious. What should I do?  

carleymonique8089991

Exactly! Everyone is ragging on me to lower my expectations! But I never had any or asked for her help. She Wanted to do it. And now she's not doing to the things she agreed to do with my other maid of honor cuz they are co- planning because they wanted to. I was originally going to let my grandma throw something small because she wanted to do that. But she and my other MOH insisted that they wanted to

carleymonique8089991

Yes we had two bridal shower "meetings". One I didn't go to my MOHs just met to discuss stuff together. One I went to because I was asked to keep the peace between them! I even said we should just cancel if if its too much and they both declined that idea. They aren't telling me the plans because they don't want me involved In the planning, they want some small surprises.
I went to one of their meetings because I was asked to, to keep the freaking peace

carleymonique8089991

Once again. I never asked for the help. I'll go to consultations and she will yell at me for not inviting her. And I never asked them to plan the shower, my grandma was going to do it. She insisted

carleymonique8089991

She came to me excited about planning it. And when I said my grandma was going to do it, she got upset because I didn't consult her on it. She got with the other MOH and they both talked to me about how they want to do it.

huskypuppy14

@cheyannseely94 don't hit reply, no one knows who you're talking to. Hit quote so people can follow better.

Also, if that's your real name, I highly suggest you change it. 

carleymonique8089991

So I guess the real question is, what do I do with two MOHs that want to be involved in everything? Who got mad that I was just going to let my grandma throw my shower. Who get mad when I go to my wedding consultations and don't invite them. And then when I say fine you guys can do the shower, one of them flakes and doesn't do the things she told the other MOH she was going to do. So then the other MOH comes to me crying and stressed out and pissed at my other MOH.
And I'm asked to pitch it up, so when we all sit down (as I called it a meeting) to clear the air.
It hurts my friendships when I say fine you can come with me to blank. Cuz they give me so much grief about it. But then I get stress cuz of their bridal shower plans that are between them and they are fighting like cats and dogs

JCbride2015

carleymonique8089991 said: Exactly! Everyone is ragging on me to lower my expectations! But I never had any or asked for her help. She Wanted to do it. And now she's not doing to the things she agreed to do with my other maid of honor cuz they are co- planning because they wanted to. I was originally going to let my grandma throw something small because she wanted to do that. But she and my other MOH insisted that they wanted to
carleymonique8089991 said: Yes we had two bridal shower "meetings". One I didn't go to my MOHs just met to discuss stuff together. One I went to because I was asked to keep the peace between them! I even said we should just cancel if if its too much and they both declined that idea. They aren't telling me the plans because they don't want me involved In the planning, they want some small surprises. I went to one of their meetings because I was asked to, to keep the freaking peace
carleymonique8089991 said: Once again. I never asked for the help. I'll go to consultations and she will yell at me for not inviting her. And I never asked them to plan the shower, my grandma was going to do it. She insisted
carleymonique8089991 said: She came to me excited about planning it. And when I said my grandma was going to do it, she got upset because I didn't consult her on it. She got with the other MOH and they both talked to me about how they want to do it.
carleymonique8089991 said: So I guess the real question is, what do I do with two MOHs that want to be involved in everything? Who got mad that I was just going to let my grandma throw my shower. Who get mad when I go to my wedding consultations and don't invite them. And then when I say fine you guys can do the shower, one of them flakes and doesn't do the things she told the other MOH she was going to do. So then the other MOH comes to me crying and stressed out and pissed at my other MOH. And I'm asked to pitch it up, so when we all sit down (as I called it a meeting) to clear the air. It hurts my friendships when I say fine you can come with me to blank. Cuz they give me so much grief about it. But then I get stress cuz of their bridal shower plans that are between them and they are fighting like cats and dogs You STAY OUT OF IT.  Tell them, "I love you both but I can't get in the middle of this.  If the party is getting too stressful for you guys to plan, we can call it off with no hard feelings."  And then you stop inviting them to stuff.  Stop talking about the wedding with them.  Talk about it with your Fi instead.  He is the person you are marrying, not your friends.

MyNameIsNot

carleymonique8089991 said:

So I guess the real question is, what do I do with two MOHs that want to be involved in everything? Who got mad that I was just going to let my grandma throw my shower. Who get mad when I go to my wedding consultations and don't invite them. And then when I say fine you guys can do the shower, one of them flakes and doesn't do the things she told the other MOH she was going to do. So then the other MOH comes to me crying and stressed out and pissed at my other MOH. And I'm asked to pitch it up, so when we all sit down (as I called it a meeting) to clear the air. It hurts my friendships when I say fine you can come with me to blank. Cuz they give me so much grief about it. But then I get stress cuz of their bridal shower plans that are between them and they are fighting like cats and dogs

Tell her to grow up and handle her own issues. There is no reason for you to get involved.

Maggie0829

carleymonique8089991 said:

So I guess the real question is, what do I do with two MOHs that want to be involved in everything? Who got mad that I was just going to let my grandma throw my shower. Who get mad when I go to my wedding consultations and don't invite them. And then when I say fine you guys can do the shower, one of them flakes and doesn't do the things she told the other MOH she was going to do. So then the other MOH comes to me crying and stressed out and pissed at my other MOH. And I'm asked to pitch it up, so when we all sit down (as I called it a meeting) to clear the air. It hurts my friendships when I say fine you can come with me to blank. Cuz they give me so much grief about it. But then I get stress cuz of their bridal shower plans that are between them and they are fighting like cats and dogs

The answer to all of your issues is to just stop including them in wedding things.  Sounds like including them just causes you more stress then if you just didn't include them at all.  If they get pissy because you didn't invite them just tell them that you and your FI are handling the wedding plans.  Then change the subject.  These two people sound very immature.  So stop enabling their behavior and just remove yourself from it completely.

And when one comes to you to bitch about the other you say to them "I do not want to be involved.  If you have an issue with Sue then you need to talk to Sue, not me."