Wedding Woes

Help me get over my declines

So this is the deal: FI and I have been engaged for sixteen months now and are getting married in less than 4 weeks.  We live near FI's hometown and my family and friends are scattered literally all over the country (and a good part of the globe), so it just made logical sense to have the wedding here.  I knew a good chunk of my OOT guests would not be able to make it, but there were quite a few who said they would be able to come, and I was excited to see family and friends that I don't often get to spend time with.

Fast forward to a week before our RSVP due date, and we've had quite a few unexpected declines, nearly all on my side.  We invited 220 people expecting around 180 to show, and it looks like we're going to get around 155.  It's not any one big thing--we've just had some unlucky and unexpected things come up with our guests.  I know that declines are inevitable, but to have family and friends back out who initially said they were coming hurts, and the end result is that this wedding is going to be comprised of literally twice the number of FI's family and friends than of mine.

I KNOW declines are inevitable.  I KNOW that my very very closest family and friends will be there.  And I really, really, really know that at the end of the day I get to marry my FI, and that is the most important thing in the world to me.  I'm just feeling a little blue over the declines, and feeling like I've put all this work over the past 16 months into planning a party that nobody's going to show up at, and that I wish we'd just had an immediate family only ceremony on a beach somewhere three months ago and been done with it.

I realize on the day of I won't care about these declines, but I'm just having a bummed moment right now and need to get over it.  Anybody have any advice on how to do that?

Re: Help me get over my declines

  • Think of the $$ you're saving by having people decline and you don't have to cover their plate.  ;) 

    That is a bummer that people you did want to see can't make it.  However, you seriously won't have time to visit with anyone for long.  It's much better to try and make those connections outside of an event like a wedding. 

    It will be a fun day and you will have the best time with your nearest and dearest.  :)
  • I was in the same boat as you - got married in my husband's hometown, a (minimum) 9 hour drive away from my family.  One of my (fourteen) cousins made it.  I had aunts, uncles, a grandma, and a lot of friends decline.  The vast majority of our 220 guests were from J's side.

    And the rest of the people we invited?  They missed an absolute kick ass party and are now jealous.

    You know where your head is supposed to be, and you're just having a low moment.  That's totally allowed.  I have no advice for you other than to just keep doing what you're doing, and focus on the fact that when you're up there saying your vows, it really, truly, will not matter if anyone other than the two of you are there.

    **The OMH formerly known as jsangel1018**
  • this wedding is going to be comprised of literally twice the number of FI's family and friends than of mine.
    ugh. no good will come of keeping score -- in this and many, many other things in life.
    image
  • I was excited to see family and friends that I don't often get to spend time with.
    also, you have the rest of your life to do this, rather than a rushed, distracted 5 minutes on your wedding day.
    image
  • Thanks guys.  That all really helps.  I am psyched about the money we're saving (plus there's upgraded apps and late night snacks for everyone--hooray!)  And our space will feel much more comfortable with 150 people in there than with the 180 we were expecting.  It helps to know that I'm allowed to be bummed about the declines (and yes hmoney, "keeping score" and tallying up the numbers was probably not my brightest idea.  It was just becoming clear to me that the guest list was starting to skew very heavily toward FI's side--I was hoping to convince myself that the slant wasn't as severe as I thought it was and I wound up convincing myself of just the opposite.)  It's also helpful to know that the feeling will pass if I just keep focusing on what I should be focusing on.

    Our RSVPs close this Saturday.  I'm SO excited to just get our guest list finalized so that we can wrap up the final details, actually have this wedding, and move on with our lives.
  • We had our wedding four hours from my friends & family but we really didn't have any other choice because of FIL's health at the time so I get a wedding being an unintentional DW for over half of the guest list.

    Upgrades are fun - and you don't have to spend all of your "extra" budget either to have them.  But with the fewer guests this also gives you more time to chat with the people that are there.  And, you can have a bigger slice of cake if you leave the cake order the same LOL (who doesn't like an extra slice of yummy Wedding Cake?!?!?)  Finally, you may be surprised, the week after our RSVP's were due is when we got most of our RSVP's, so you never know, you still might end up with more guests than you expected!!! 

    It may just simply be that you need to take some time to just stop and process.  Go do something as a break-away activity, go bowling, get yourself a mani/pedi, go window shop at the mall, go have dinner by yourself or with FI.  Just take a moment to breathe and relax sans planning.

  • I had a very similar count, only with more declines: 254 invited, 155 showed.  Granted, ours was a destination wedding for about 210 of the 254 so that's going to narrow things down quite a bit, and DH and I had several elderly family members we knew would not be able to make it.

    There were some super bummer declines as well, including my BEST friend on earth (I was a groomsman in his wedding) b/c his wife was due w/in a week of our wedding.  They were both devastated to not be able to come but the joy of their exciting news immediately trumped any sadness any of us had that they would miss the wedding. 

    Another very close friend who was super psyched to come to our wedding and loves Nola (we met there) had a trial starting right after the wedding.  No way he and his wife could come.  Would we have loved having them there and would they have had a blast?  Yes and yes.  However, as we all know, life gets in the way of fun sometimes and DH and I just mad an effort to have dinner with them a few weeks after the wedding to catch up. 

    Other friends of ours had family members' graduations, the birth of a grandchild, a previously booked trip to New Zealand, etc.  I just tried to focus on the fact that the people not coming had incredibly awesome and fun other plans that weekend and I knew that they were with us in spirit.  
    Having just gone through this 3 weeks ago, I PROMISE you that the day of you will be very focused on the people who are there and although you will miss your loved ones who couldn't make it, you will have a wonderful time with all of those who did.  
  • I'm in a similar situation (except for most of my extended family there are not extenuating circumstances, it's just not that important to them) and the things that have helped me most are: 

    (a) focusing on the money we'll save; 
    (b) focusing on the concerns that are no longer an issue ("well, dad's family can't make rude remarks about our religion if they're not there...".) -- this may not apply to you;
    (c) talking to my FI. 

    You want to be careful about (c) and not make it about tallying numbers or making him feel bad. But I understand where you're coming from: if you're like me, it's not keeping score, it's realizing that your hypothetical side of the aisle will be a little bit emptier, and that doesn't always feel great. Our RSVPs were due today, and I'm trying not to fixate on the fact that out of 100 invites we have 70 Yes and ALL of the declines are my family members, or on all the craziness we've put into trying to please those family members only to have them not come....But it's OK to have a moment of feeling like this, and the thing that helped most is having my FI acknowledge that it's OK that it sucks and remind me that his family loves me too, and promise to help me really honor the <10 people who are actually going to make it. 
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