Advice about my Father and his family.

RaRaOhLaLa

So, this is going to be a long one. My aunts on my fathers side have been feuding for about 10 years now. Despite this both of them attended my sisters wedding 5 years ago. Since then their mutual brother, my uncle, died, which made the fight worse. Both aunts stole some things from his house, his lawyer lost the will. Basically everyone behaved like children but all attended the funeral and wake, 3 years ago.

My sisters second childs first birthday was 2 years ago and my father refused to attend because one of my aunts was there. He chose a side in the feud. I refuse to do so because I think they are both terrible people and I won't take part in their drama.

For fathers day, this year, my grandfather decided he wanted his daughter and son to make up. I am presuming this was for my sake but I was not involved in the discussion. They all live in Michigan and my FI and I live in Wisconsin. This led to my aunt to call my father three times in one day and then text him. He HATES texting and took none of her calls.

So he called me twice in the same day, which is weird. I am a professor, so I was teaching classes. He usually calls me twice a week to talk because out of his four children I am the only one that will discuss things with him, the other three put down the phone and let him talk to himself. My father is not a nice man. The last two times that I visited Michigan I asked him point blank, "do you want me to invite Aunt Krissy to the wedding" I did this once in front of my FI and once in front of my mother. I needed witnesses because he likes to change stories and say that people didn't do things to suit him and make him look good.

I called him back. He started going off about how my aunt has been bugging him and then goes into what he wants to bring up without saying it, "well I just told your mom how I won't need a tux for your wedding."
I said, "so your not coming".
He responded, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party."
"Those are not the same, a baby doesn't remember their party and they also get birthdays every year. I am not going to get married every year!" I was angry but not yelling.
He respeated, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party." Yes he never answers me because he sucks to talk to and then I got angry and hung up.

My mom called to explain why, and I said,"I don't want to hear it. I am getting married once and he doesn't care enough to come or tell me he is not comming! You both are behaving like children!' Then I hung up on her. For some context, I had just taught math for 8 hours straight in a building whose air conditioner doesn't work and the day before my parrot of 18 years had died, so yes I am very very emotional!

I called my father back and screamed at him that he could have prevented all of this if he would have just answered me when I asked if I should invite her. He responded with, "you never asked me that." He started to say more but I screamed,"ask mom she was there when I did it the second time!" He says, "I ain't asking her ***" I hang up again.

Then my brother called. My youngest brother lives with my parents because he has medical issues for the last 5 years that have made it hard for him to work, which really sucks for a 27 year-old independent man. He is in an impossible position, so him I don't hang up on but I warn him that I don't want to talk about this. He told me how they are forcing him to call and that he is sorry that this is happening to me. He was told that he had to convey that mom called aunt krissy and uninvited her to the wedding, while screaming at her. Really? I was irate, my wedding not yours, who gives you the right!  I am paying for it! I haven't asked for your help and wasn't going to! I am covering someone else's classes to pay for this thing and you have that nerve! Arg! Everything difficult I have encountered in my life I have dealt with myself!

My poor brother finishes the call by trying to distract me with movies, music, literally anything to cheer me up. My nieces birthday is this weekend and I am coming home to make the cake and help my younger sister with the party, which they will be at!

I related all of this to my FI but he tries to just be supportive and say, "whatever you want to do I am fine with" or "lets elope", hes sweet and sensitive but not good under pressure. He has wanted to elope every time we hit a speed bump in the wedding planning.

I want an outsiders option because I feel like I can't trust any of them.

Here are my options:

1. Cancel the wedding. I will be out the cost of our deposits and my dress that I already paid for and can't return. I don't like this idea. My FI mother is old has cancer and three sons, this would likely be the only wedding she will get to go to. She is also more excited about it than I am. I specifically got a white dress just to make her happy. However, the idea of doing so makes me happy.
   
2. Uninvite my fathers entire family, including him. I would keep my siblings and friends but my side would be almost empty. My mother wouldn't attend because my father is a control freak that assumes if he can't see her then she must be with another guy cheating on him. This would also put me under the 100 person minimum for our hall and I would need to find more guests some how.... anybody want to be nice and come to my Michigan wedding on 5/27/16? I find this option embarrassing since my FI family would wonder where they all are and I would not want to say.
3. Give in and let my father have his way and uninvite my aunt, so he can hold it over my head till the day he dies or finds some other way to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed at my own wedding.
4. Get married in secret and only invite my FI family and my siblings.
   

thisismynickname2

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Others will surely chime in with better advice, but the bottom line is you can't control anyone else's behavior- only how you react to it. Family members are acting like children. If it were me, I'd keep the wedding plans as is, invite everyone. You didn't choose a side in the feud after all, and it's your wedding. Invite people, and if they don't show, that's their problem. They missed YOUR wedding over a stupid feud. That has no impact on the fact that you are getting married. 

If you find yourself under the minimum for your hall because invited guests RSVP "no" then find other ways to make up the cost. Nicer food, nicer bar package, more food / booze, whatever. 

You're only a bit less than a year out. Just carry on with your plans and let other people figure their own crap out. That's my two cents. Good luck. 

redoryx

Option 5 -- Call his bluff and invite both and tell him if he doesn't want to come because she's invited, "We'll miss seeing you there!" 

But be prepared for the fact that he's not bluffing and actually won't come. 

Maggie0829

Knottie1426886252 said:

So, this is going to be a long one. My aunts on my fathers side have been feuding for about 10 years now. Despite this both of them attended my sisters wedding 5 years ago. Since then their mutual brother, my uncle, died, which made the fight worse. Both aunts stole some things from his house, his lawyer lost the will. Basically everyone behaved like children but all attended the funeral and wake, 3 years ago.

My sisters second childs first birthday was 2 years ago and my father refused to attend because one of my aunts was there. He chose a side in the feud. I refuse to do so because I think they are both terrible people and I won't take part in their drama.

For fathers day, this year, my grandfather decided he wanted his daughter and son to make up. I am presuming this was for my sake but I was not involved in the discussion. They all live in Michigan and my FI and I live in Wisconsin. This led to my aunt to call my father three times in one day and then text him. He HATES texting and took none of her calls.

So he called me twice in the same day, which is weird. I am a professor, so I was teaching classes. He usually calls me twice a week to talk because out of his four children I am the only one that will discuss things with him, the other three put down the phone and let him talk to himself. My father is not a nice man. The last two times that I visited Michigan I asked him point blank, "do you want me to invite Aunt Krissy to the wedding" I did this once in front of my FI and once in front of my mother. I needed witnesses because he likes to change stories and say that people didn't do things to suit him and make him look good.

I called him back. He started going off about how my aunt has been bugging him and then goes into what he wants to bring up without saying it, "well I just told your mom how I won't need a tux for your wedding."
I said, "so your not coming".
He responded, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party."
"Those are not the same, a baby doesn't remember their party and they also get birthdays every year. I am not going to get married every year!" I was angry but not yelling.
He respeated, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party." Yes he never answers me because he sucks to talk to and then I got angry and hung up.

My mom called to explain why, and I said,"I don't want to hear it. I am getting married once and he doesn't care enough to come or tell me he is not comming! You both are behaving like children!' Then I hung up on her. For some context, I had just taught math for 8 hours straight in a building whose air conditioner doesn't work and the day before my parrot of 18 years had died, so yes I am very very emotional!

I called my father back and screamed at him that he could have prevented all of this if he would have just answered me when I asked if I should invite her. He responded with, "you never asked me that." He started to say more but I screamed,"ask mom she was there when I did it the second time!" He says, "I ain't asking her ***" I hang up again.

Then my brother called. My youngest brother lives with my parents because he has medical issues for the last 5 years that have made it hard for him to work, which really sucks for a 27 year-old independent man. He is in an impossible position, so him I don't hang up on but I warn him that I don't want to talk about this. He told me how they are forcing him to call and that he is sorry that this is happening to me. He was told that he had to convey that mom called aunt krissy and uninvited her to the wedding, while screaming at her. Really? I was irate, my wedding not yours, who gives you the right!  I am paying for it! I haven't asked for your help and wasn't going to! I am covering someone else's classes to pay for this thing and you have that nerve! Arg! Everything difficult I have encountered in my life I have dealt with myself!

My poor brother finishes the call by trying to distract me with movies, music, literally anything to cheer me up. My nieces birthday is this weekend and I am coming home to make the cake and help my younger sister with the party, which they will be at!

I related all of this to my FI but he tries to just be supportive and say, "whatever you want to do I am fine with" or "lets elope", hes sweet and sensitive but not good under pressure. He has wanted to elope every time we hit a speed bump in the wedding planning.

I want an outsiders option because I feel like I can't trust any of them.

Here are my options:

1. Cancel the wedding. I will be out the cost of our deposits and my dress that I already paid for and can't return. I don't like this idea. My FI mother is old has cancer and three sons, this would likely be the only wedding she will get to go to. She is also more excited about it than I am. I specifically got a white dress just to make her happy. However, the idea of doing so makes me happy.
   
2. Uninvite my fathers entire family, including him. I would keep my siblings and friends but my side would be almost empty. My mother wouldn't attend because my father is a control freak that assumes if he can't see her then she must be with another guy cheating on him. This would also put me under the 100 person minimum for our hall and I would need to find more guests some how.... anybody want to be nice and come to my Michigan wedding on 5/27/16? I find this option embarrassing since my FI family would wonder where they all are and I would not want to say.
3. Give in and let my father have his way and uninvite my aunt, so he can hold it over my head till the day he dies or finds some other way to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed at my own wedding.
4. Get married in secret and only invite my FI family and my siblings.
   

Since you are paying for the entire wedding then you and your FI are the one's who determine the guest list.  I say invite whoever you want and let them decide if they want to attend or not. If your Father will not attend his own daughters wedding because he is in a fight with his sister, well then that is his issue and his loss.  

thespeshulestsnowflake

I would call your aunt and let her know not to listen to your mother or father in terms of her invite (not that they have been sent out). They are not paying so they get no say.

MyNameIsNot

I'm with everyone else. Call your father's bluff. If he misses your wedding over this, he's a crappy dad. If your mother chooses to stay home with him, that's on her.

In the future, I would work on figuring out a way to avoid getting caught up in his explosions when he pulls this crap. He wants to make you upset. When you yell at him, you're giving him what he wants. If you can learn to respond without getting into arguments with him and without getting angry, you will teach him that his bullshit isn't working on you. 

msuprincess04

Option 5. Cancel nothing, send invitations out as normal, have a lovely day without the drama.

Immediately, I'd stop talking/screaming at your father/mother/aunt/brother about the wedding (except to tell aunt she's still invited). I know you are emotional and mad at the entire situation, and I would be too, but the more you react to your father, the more power you give him. Stop talking to him about the wedding, stop arguing about whether or not he goes. Just smile and say, "oh, you'll be missed." And leave it at that. Send your invitations to the people you want to invite, and accept that some may not go because they are too petty to put aside their own crap for someone else's day.

southernbelle0915

Holy drama. 

Ok, don't cancel the wedding because certain family members can't act their age for a day. Send the invitations as normal (yes, include your aunt) and record your RSVPs. 

I know it's hard that your dad is saying he won't go. It will say A LOT about him if he actually refuses to attend because his sister is going. I mean, really? 

But he's an adult and will make whatever choices he wants. It's hard to accept, but your other option is a screaming match that won't change the outcome, so......calmly tell him you wish he'd change his mind and you'd love to see him there and say nothing else.

Jen4948

I'm sorry your family have behaved like jerks to you.

But sadly, the only option besides accepting that he won't be there calmly is to accept that he won't be there following a screaming match. 

Given that he chooses to behave like an asshole, I'd think you are probably going to be better off if he's not there, though that's certainly your call.  However things turn out, best of luck.

climbingsingle

Another vote for option 5. Call his bluff. Tell your aunt she's still invited. And personally, I wouldn't even entertain anymore of this drama. If he calls, don't answer. All of this screaming back and forth at each other is really unhealthy. 

AddieCake

Invite anyone YOU want and no one YOU don't want. If people want to be assholes and not come because of their own issues, then that's on them.

novella1186

I agree, call your aunt. Tell her that if any info about the wedding does not come directly from you, then she should disregard it. 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. We had a ton of drama leading up to our wedding thanks to my psycho asshole dad, so I know dealing with this kind of thing can be horribly stressful. We considered cancelling our wedding, but it was the wedding we both really wanted and H's family was super excited about it, so in the end we didn't cancel and I was glad we didn't. 

What helped a ton, though, was to distance myself from my dad. I stopped answering his calls and shitty, childish texts/insults. I stopped responding to the drama and stopped engaging in fights with him. When my mom tried to relay messages between us, I refused to listen and let her know that I was setting boundaries and sticking to them because his behavior was unacceptable. I also saw a therapist for a while to find the best ways to cope with the stress, which was extremely helpful. 

I recommend that you try the distance thing, and avoid engaging in fights. If he starts to upset you, hang up the phone or walk away, and do something you enjoy to distract yourself (read a magazine, watch trashy tv, have a glass of wine, whatever). Don't let him pull you in. As PP said, he wants to upset you. He wants to engage in this childish drama. You can't control that, but you can control how you deal with it. 

When he tries to vent to you about your aunt, just say you want to be left out of it. My dad has a sister that I'm super close with and he tries to trash-talk her to me all the time. I just say, "nope! I don't wanna hear it!" and then change the subject; if he doesn't stop, I walk away. Works like a charm. I'm still keeping my distance from him for the most part, but the few interactions we've had since the wedding (about 2 months ago) have been far more cordial because he has learned that if he wants to be in my life at all, then he needs to behave like an adult and not say horrible things to me. 

Best of luck. Feel free to PM me any time. 

mrscomposer

Someone needs to act their age, and I vote for you.

Stop getting involved except to relay any wedding information that they ABSOLUTELY need to know (aka - sending them invitations.  That's all they need...IF you decide to invite them).  For goodness sake, stop screaming back at them.  And just let them self-destruct on their own.  If you invite them and they don't show up, then you don't need to worry about them causing a scene. 

jacques27

Call their bluff.  If they don't want to attend, oh well. 

I'm a little confused though and it seems like you brought a little of this on yourself.  Your aunts are feuding, but you refused to take a side, but you invited one of them anyway - even though you say they are both horrible people.  Since you don't seem to care for either of the aunts, and it's clear your father doesn't, then why did you continue to badger him about whether he wanted you to invite the aunt - especially since he's not actually paying for the wedding?  He didn't answer texts from her - what exactly were you hoping for here by bringing it up several times?  It seems like you knew this was going to be a contentious issue - all for someone you say is a horrible person anyway?

At this point, what is done is done since it seems like you already sent out invitations.  Just let the chips fall where they may.  In the future, it will probably serve you well to not talk to or invite people out of obligation or force relationship issues with others when it's obvious they don't want to have the relationship.  Just associate with the people you actually want to associate with and let people decide who they want to associate with and how for themselves.

mikenberger

Knottie1426886252 said:

So, this is going to be a long one. My aunts on my fathers side have been feuding for about 10 years now. Despite this both of them attended my sisters wedding 5 years ago. Since then their mutual brother, my uncle, died, which made the fight worse. Both aunts stole some things from his house, his lawyer lost the will. Basically everyone behaved like children but all attended the funeral and wake, 3 years ago.

My sisters second childs first birthday was 2 years ago and my father refused to attend because one of my aunts was there. He chose a side in the feud. I refuse to do so because I think they are both terrible people and I won't take part in their drama.

For fathers day, this year, my grandfather decided he wanted his daughter and son to make up. I am presuming this was for my sake but I was not involved in the discussion. They all live in Michigan and my FI and I live in Wisconsin. This led to my aunt to call my father three times in one day and then text him. He HATES texting and took none of her calls.

So he called me twice in the same day, which is weird. I am a professor, so I was teaching classes. He usually calls me twice a week to talk because out of his four children I am the only one that will discuss things with him, the other three put down the phone and let him talk to himself. My father is not a nice man. The last two times that I visited Michigan I asked him point blank, "do you want me to invite Aunt Krissy to the wedding" I did this once in front of my FI and once in front of my mother. I needed witnesses because he likes to change stories and say that people didn't do things to suit him and make him look good.

I called him back. He started going off about how my aunt has been bugging him and then goes into what he wants to bring up without saying it, "well I just told your mom how I won't need a tux for your wedding."
I said, "so your not coming".
He responded, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party."
"Those are not the same, a baby doesn't remember their party and they also get birthdays every year. I am not going to get married every year!" I was angry but not yelling.
He respeated, "I didn't go to Kenzie's party." Yes he never answers me because he sucks to talk to and then I got angry and hung up.

My mom called to explain why, and I said,"I don't want to hear it. I am getting married once and he doesn't care enough to come or tell me he is not comming! You both are behaving like children!' Then I hung up on her. For some context, I had just taught math for 8 hours straight in a building whose air conditioner doesn't work and the day before my parrot of 18 years had died, so yes I am very very emotional!

I called my father back and screamed at him that he could have prevented all of this if he would have just answered me when I asked if I should invite her. He responded with, "you never asked me that." He started to say more but I screamed,"ask mom she was there when I did it the second time!" He says, "I ain't asking her ***" I hang up again.

Then my brother called. My youngest brother lives with my parents because he has medical issues for the last 5 years that have made it hard for him to work, which really sucks for a 27 year-old independent man. He is in an impossible position, so him I don't hang up on but I warn him that I don't want to talk about this. He told me how they are forcing him to call and that he is sorry that this is happening to me. He was told that he had to convey that mom called aunt krissy and uninvited her to the wedding, while screaming at her. Really? I was irate, my wedding not yours, who gives you the right!  I am paying for it! I haven't asked for your help and wasn't going to! I am covering someone else's classes to pay for this thing and you have that nerve! Arg! Everything difficult I have encountered in my life I have dealt with myself!

My poor brother finishes the call by trying to distract me with movies, music, literally anything to cheer me up. My nieces birthday is this weekend and I am coming home to make the cake and help my younger sister with the party, which they will be at!

I related all of this to my FI but he tries to just be supportive and say, "whatever you want to do I am fine with" or "lets elope", hes sweet and sensitive but not good under pressure. He has wanted to elope every time we hit a speed bump in the wedding planning.

I want an outsiders option because I feel like I can't trust any of them.

Here are my options:

1. Cancel the wedding. I will be out the cost of our deposits and my dress that I already paid for and can't return. I don't like this idea. My FI mother is old has cancer and three sons, this would likely be the only wedding she will get to go to. She is also more excited about it than I am. I specifically got a white dress just to make her happy. However, the idea of doing so makes me happy.
   
2. Uninvite my fathers entire family, including him. I would keep my siblings and friends but my side would be almost empty. My mother wouldn't attend because my father is a control freak that assumes if he can't see her then she must be with another guy cheating on him. This would also put me under the 100 person minimum for our hall and I would need to find more guests some how.... anybody want to be nice and come to my Michigan wedding on 5/27/16? I find this option embarrassing since my FI family would wonder where they all are and I would not want to say.
3. Give in and let my father have his way and uninvite my aunt, so he can hold it over my head till the day he dies or finds some other way to make me feel ashamed and embarrassed at my own wedding.
4. Get married in secret and only invite my FI family and my siblings.
   

I agree with option 5. Have your wedding and enjoy your day. Call their bluff. They're behaving like children but you're enabling it by listening to it and asking them "Well can I invite X?" 

You don't ask them what YOU are going to and what YOU are going to pay for. Be an adult. They'll either join the "Be an adult" party or they'll throw a tantrum and pity party and not come. Not your problem. That'll be on them for the rest of their lives - not you.

emmaaa

I'm sorry you are going through this. However, this is not your fault. It is not your fault that your dad and his family are acting like children. You can't rescind anyone's invitation without ruining that relationship.

If I were you, I'd go through with your wedding, as planned, with everyone invited that you want to be there. If thta means you dad doesn't come, your loss.

I know that sounds insensitive, but I do kind of know how you feel. My parents got divorced seven years ago. When DH and I first got engaged, my dad said he wouldn't be at the wedding because he didn't want to see my mom. I told him I wanted him to come and walk me down the aisle but he said he wasn't coming. So i planned my wedding and went according to plan. In the end, my dad did not come. I had my two brothers walk me down the aisle. I wish he would have been there and I think he regrets it too. But i had a great time and the wedding was wonderful. It is hard to make that decision but this is an instance you can say "this is my day" and go through with your plans.

CMGragain

OP, lots of us have fighting families.  You are not alone.

I think Mikenburger's advice is excellent.  It is what I did.  Our mother's didn't speak at the wedding, but that was probably for the best.  Just don't sit the feuding family members at the same table.

annakay511

Honestly, I don't think any of those options are good. I am sorry your family is putting you through this! You are an adult, paying for your own wedding. Invite exactly who you want. If they choose not to come, that's on them, not on you. Do not give in to their drama and childish behavior.

blueeyedkat

novella1186

Your father wants that reaction out of you. You need to distance yourself. Set boundaries, with him, your mom, and your brother. If your dad talks to you about any of this, either do "k" "uh huh" "we'll miss you" "k" "not interested in that" "yah" "you're an adult, you can make your own decisions" "k". Then hang up and do whatever the hell you want for your wedding, which you're paying for. The moment you stop giving them the satisfaction of your response, then it starts to wind down. Do not react, at all. If he tries to guilt you into not coming, just say that he's a grown adult, you're sure he can make his own decisions.