Matron troubles?

[Deleted User]

kaos16

Lucky13irish said:

I am wondering what the invitation etiquette is for the following situation?

I had my friend of over 20 years as my matron of honor. She had a baby recently and I think (I hope) is temperamental because of this. She has been causing drama and been just very hard to deal with since the start. She was giving my other bridesmaids trouble when planning the shower. Then she flipped out one day and said she didn't want to be in the bridal party anymore and never did anyway. She called me a bunch of bad names and even bad mouthed me to a few of the other maids. I was hoping she would have cooled off and come around after a few weeks but I still have not heard anything from her. We are suppose to send out our wedding invitations soon - should I still send her an invite? I am very annoyed by what she has done and the rest of the bridal party is very annoyed as well. I do not actually want her at the wedding bad mouthing me to other guests and ruining the day. I would like to still be proper in our decision. Do we send an invite or not?

If you remove her as a MOH you are effectively ending your friendship.  Is that what you want to do?  If you are ok with no longer having a relationship with her, go ahead and don't invite her.  If you want to try to salvage what you have, invite her and let her decide if she wants to come.

loveislouder

I'm a little annoyed that you titled this post Maid of Dishonor because your "friend" (in quotes, because you're not being a very  good one) just had a baby and is probably stressed and you think your wedding is the most important factor here. 

Have you checked with her to see how her life is going? Does she maybe have a little bit of postpartum depression going on?

novella1186

It sounds like you're sitting around waiting to hear from her. Maybe you should make the first move and reach out to her. If this isn't normal behavior for her, she could have something going on. Like PP said, she could be dealing with postpartum depression, or any number of other things. 

Be a friend. Put your wedding aside and check in with her to see how she's doing. 

And then send the invitation and let her decide whether or not she wants to attend the wedding (assuming she has removed herself from being in your WP). 

Unless you're prepared to permanently end the friendship. In that case, don't invite her. And if she did talk about you at your wedding, it would not ruin your day. My own father trash-talked me to my bridesmaids at my wedding. They thought he was a psychotic asshole for doing so. Did not ruin my day one bit. I think it's a bit dramatic to say that something so petty would RUIN your wedding. 

[Deleted User]

yup i always keep in touch and have supported her life and choices all along. I have offered help and assistance from day one. My other bridesmaids have as well. postpartum - i am almost sure of but that doesn't give her the right to insult everyone and offend other maids. Very disrespectful.

The question is should she get an invite not about what the post is titled. 

OliveOilsMom

I think you should try to reach out to her and see what is going on with her.  Take your wedding out of it.  How often have you asked her about the baby and what is going on in her life compared to your wedding.  If this is your friend's first baby, she is going through a big change in her life and its a bigger change than you getting married.  Even adding additional children to a household can change its dynamic. 

If you don't ever want to speak to your friend again, then don't invite her. 

mikenberger

Lucky13irish said:

I am wondering what the invitation etiquette is for the following situation?

I had my friend of over 20 years as my matron of honor. She had a baby recently and I think (I hope) is temperamental because of this. She has been causing drama and been just very hard to deal with since the start. She was giving my other bridesmaids trouble when planning the shower. Then she flipped out one day and said she didn't want to be in the bridal party anymore and never did anyway. She called me a bunch of bad names and even bad mouthed me to a few of the other maids. I was hoping she would have cooled off and come around after a few weeks but I still have not heard anything from her. We are suppose to send out our wedding invitations soon - should I still send her an invite? I am very annoyed by what she has done and the rest of the bridal party is very annoyed as well. I do not actually want her at the wedding bad mouthing me to other guests and ruining the day. I would like to still be proper in our decision. Do we send an invite or not?

What I'm missing from the conversation is how YOU reached out to HER, as her friend, to see how she's doing with the baby. Your wedding is not the most important thing in her life. Perhaps you should put your friends before your wedding. Especially if you hope to stay friends afterwards.

[Deleted User]

see i would be inclined to invite her but she removed herself and said she wanted no parts of the day - so if i send an invite i don't want it to look snide - it would have been a kindness

novella1186

Lucky13irish said:

yup i always keep in touch and have supported her life and choices all along. I have offered help and assistance from day one. My other bridesmaids have as well. postpartum - i am almost sure of but that doesn't give her the right to insult everyone and offend other maids. Very disrespectful.

The question is should she get an invite not about what the post is titled. 

I have a hard time believing that first part. Anyway, people have already advised you on whether or not she should get an invite. 

AddieCake

I also agree your post title is inappropriate, and I don't care that you didn't ask for opinions on that. As for your question, yes, of course you send her an invitation, unless you are prepared to end the friendship. 

cupcait927

Lucky13irish said:

yup i always keep in touch and have supported her life and choices all along. I have offered help and assistance from day one. My other bridesmaids have as well. postpartum - i am almost sure of but that doesn't give her the right to insult everyone and offend other maids. Very disrespectful.

The question is should she get an invite not about what the post is titled. 

To answer your question - yes, she gets an invite. You asked her to participate in your wedding and unless you want to end your friendship, she gets an invite. She can then make the decision if she would like to still come and part a part of your day.

Maggie0829

Lucky13irish said:

yup i always keep in touch and have supported her life and choices all along. I have offered help and assistance from day one. My other bridesmaids have as well. postpartum - i am almost sure of but that doesn't give her the right to insult everyone and offend other maids. Very disrespectful.

The question is should she get an invite not about what the post is titled. 

Yeah her being possibly depressed should not be used as an excuse to lash out at you, but generally when you (general you) are depressed or upset you tend to take it out on the people who are nearest and dearest to you.  So she got super pissed and called you a few names.  She lashed out at your other BMs.  So instead of trying to talk to her to tell her that what she said hurt you and to see what may have caused the outburst you instead want to uninvite her from your wedding?  I really don't see anything that she did that would cause you to basically end the friendship.

So why not take the wedding out of the equation and just talk to your friend.  Tell her that you are upset and why.  Ask her what may be going on for her to be acting like this if this behavior is not normal.  Your friend may actually have PTSD and if so could explain why she is acting the way she has.  Or maybe there is something else.  Sometimes you have to be the bigger person and take the first step rather then waiting around for her to apologize.

[Deleted User]

Yes, you should send her an invitation. And also stop being a bad friend.

banana468

I want to know what she did that is causing your opinions of her.   I can't give you any kind of opinion until you go into further detail. 

OliveOilsMom

Lucky13irish said:

yup i always keep in touch and have supported her life and choices all along. I have offered help and assistance from day one. My other bridesmaids have as well. postpartum - i am almost sure of but that doesn't give her the right to insult everyone and offend other maids. Very disrespectful.

The question is should she get an invite not about what the post is titled. 

Lucky13irish said:

see i would be inclined to invite her but she removed herself and said she wanted no parts of the day - so if i send an invite i don't want it to look snide - it would have been a kindness

If she is suffering from postpartum depression, her acting "very disrespectful" of your BMs and you, could be a sign of her needing help.  There are many different things that go on with postpartum depression.  My BFF had it with her first son and it can manifest in different ways.  Mental illnesses (even temporary) don't always allow the sufferer to know what they are doing fully or might not allow them to see a bigger picture.

[Deleted User]

See i did i reached out and called her and said why don't we talk she said there was nothing to discuss and that she didn't care about the wedding at all

redoryx

Lucky13irish said:

See i did i reached out and called her and said why don't we talk she said there was nothing to discuss and that she didn't care about the wedding at all

Okay, when you reached out, what exactly did you say? 

novella1186

Lucky13irish said:

See i did i reached out and called her and said why don't we talk she said there was nothing to discuss and that she didn't care about the wedding at all

If she's not ready to talk, then just send her the invite and let it rest. Not sending it would be a huge slap in the face to her, even if she says she wants no involvement. If she truly wants no involvement, then invite her and leave the ball in her court to make that decision. 

banana468

Lucky13irish said:

See i did i reached out and called her and said why don't we talk she said there was nothing to discuss and that she didn't care about the wedding at all

Right.   She doesn't care about the wedding.

When I'd just had my first, I didn't care about anything either.   I wasn't even wearing pants with buttons and the idea of getting into my regular clothing was really depressing.

Have you said, "Hey - it looks like there's a lot going on and I want you to know that I'm here for you.   Can I help you with things in the house?   Make you a casserole?   Do a load of laundry?   Hold the baby so you can take a nap or a shower?"

Reaching out to her to say, "Hey, I hear you and the other BMs had a fight," isn't asking how she's doing.   It's making your conversation about your wedding.   Reach out to her and don't bring up your wedding / engagement at all.

You haven't actually clarified what you have done yet. 

[Deleted User]

I have baby sat for her in the past. this is her 3rd child not her first. I had not even mentioned the wedding to her since February when we got engaged. She has in fact said people without kids have no lives and theirs do not matter

mikenberger

There's something not right here. Considering you've been friends 20 years and she's your MOH.

She had a baby. All of a sudden without provocation, she flipped out on you and the other bridesmaids. You called her and she told you there was nothing to discuss/that she didn't care about your wedding any longer.

Now. Does that SOUND reasonable to you - her actions? Does that sound like something a completely sane and rational human being to you? Something else has to be amiss here. So either it's something that you're not telling us, which is fine or your best friend of 20 years has lost her marbles. In either event, if she won't talk to you, depending on your contact with her spouse, I would ask them if they know or have noticed anything about her behavior. 

Completely put your wedding to the side and try to help her. And yes. You should still invite her.

[Deleted User]

her baby is now 7 months old. i have cooked numerous meals, baby sat so she can go out to zumba, cleaned her house and even came down in the middle of the night when she said she was having  a melt down. I never once mentioned the wedding. I took her 6 and 4 year old to the moves to give her a break and have listen to her complain for hours on the phone. 

novella1186

Lucky13irish said:

her baby is now 7 months old. i have cooked numerous meals, baby sat so she can go out to zumba, cleaned her house and even came down in the middle of the night when she said she was having  a melt down. I never once mentioned the wedding. I took her 6 and 4 year old to the moves to give her a break and have listen to her complain for hours on the phone. 

What was she having a meltdown about? This is more evidence that she's going through something and needs a supportive friend. 

emmaaa

Lucky13irish said:

I have baby sat for her in the past. this is her 3rd child not her first. I had not even mentioned the wedding to her since February when we got engaged. She has in fact said people without kids have no lives and theirs do not matter

Women can suffer from postpartum depression whether it is their first child or their tenth. That has no effect on her mental state. 

Maggie0829

Lucky13irish said:

I have baby sat for her in the past. this is her 3rd child not her first. I had not even mentioned the wedding to her since February when we got engaged. She has in fact said people without kids have no lives and theirs do not matter

Honestly, just send her the damn invite and leave it up to her to decide how to proceed.  This way you don't look like a bitch for kicking out a supposed friend from your wedding party.

Maggie0829

emmaaa said:

Lucky13irish said:

I have baby sat for her in the past. this is her 3rd child not her first. I had not even mentioned the wedding to her since February when we got engaged. She has in fact said people without kids have no lives and theirs do not matter

Women can suffer from postpartum depression whether it is their first child or their tenth. That has no effect on her mental state. 

That or maybe having 3 kids is slightly overwhelming her which is causing her to lash out.

lyndausvi

Stop making this harder then it  needs to be.  If you want to retain the relationship send her the damn invite.   If you don't, then don't.

Personally I would send the invite, let the cards fall where they will and move on.

[Deleted User]

when i called her i said look we have been friends since high school we are like sisters - talk to me whats going on? Are you ok? She said she didn't have the time for old friends and that people without kids have no life. I said you are upset i get that but lets not lose a friendship. If the stress of the bridal party was too much just talk to me you don't need to curse and call people names. that's when she said there was nothing to discuss. 

I did talk to her hubby and see what he thought - he said she had been stressed lately but seemed fine accept with me and her one cousin - she appraently got mad at her cousin as well.

MyNameIsNot

Lucky13irish said:

See i did i reached out and called her and said why don't we talk she said there was nothing to discuss and that she didn't care about the wedding at all

And here's your problem. The wedding should never have been mentioned in this conversation.

I say don't invite her. Obviously you don't give a shit about her. In her present condition, she needs friends who do care about her. 

[Deleted User]

i did not kick her out of my party actually the opposite she said she didn't want to be in it. My mom said if i send an invite it would be tacky like i was asking for a gift which i am so not. I just didn't want any more feathers ruffled 

Maggie0829

Lucky13irish said:

i did not kick her out of my party actually the opposite she said she didn't want to be in it. My mom said if i send an invite it would be tacky like i was asking for a gift which i am so not. I just didn't want any more feathers ruffled 

No, actually it will look like you are trying to salvage a friendship.

But the main question here is... Do you want to try and save this friendship or are you done?