Brother & GF broke up - WWTKD?

redheadbride15

I'm feeling majorly bummed because last night I learned that my brother and his long term girlfriend broke up and I feel like I'm about to lose a close friend.

Background: They've been together for longer than H and I, and I've really grown very close with his GF - I'm probably closer with her than I am with my brother, to be honest. She's really sweet, genuine, tons of fun to be around, and she's been good for my brother who is 36 and needed a maturity reality check. They moved in together a year ago and everyone thought they would be the next family wedding. She organized my bachelorette party and offered me a lot of advice on wedding planning. My family all adore her.

The reasonable person inside of me knows that there is a complex story here that I'm not privy to, but I also can't help but be judgmental and assume that this was my brother's f**kup because he has a history of being shallow and commitment-phobic. Every GF he had before this one was astonishingly beautiful but not particularly intelligent or interesting. This relationship, on the other hand, seemed entirely different and genuine.

Anyway, she moved out this past weekend and is staying with a friend. Apparently she is devastated. I feel like I should reach out to her but it's so awkward and I can't think of what I would say. I also can't think of what I would say to my brother, who I should obviously be supportive of too. Also, they gave us a joint wedding gift and I'm writing my thank you notes this week - I guess I send them two separate ones? I had actually already completed theirs but didn't mail it yet. Ugh...

Maggie0829

I wouldn't jump to conclusions about why the relationship ended.  Like you said there is most likely a complex story behind it and unless one of them wishes to tell you that story, pointing fingers is not right.  As for how to be supportive, just tell them you are sorry to hear about the split and that you are here if they need anything.

And yes, I would send them separate thank you cards.

kvruns

I don't think there is anything wrong with reaching out to her and ask if either of them needs anything. You may learn more as it comes out or may never get the details but Id be available to both of them.

separate thank you notes is fine since you haven't sent it yet

onefootinthebayou

Ugh, so sorry to hear that.  You are right, there's always more to the story and it's always delicate territory when you're involved in relationships that involve a family member and someone you've come to care very much about.  

I would probably reach out to her eventually but give them both some space right now while the break up is still raw.  Their feelings will evolve over time and perhaps you and she can maintain a friendship w/o her feeling too much pain by being reminded of her life with your brother.  Who knows, maybe after the dust settles, there could be a reconciliation.  

I'm sorry to hear that but I'm a firm believer in life-long friendships no matter where they come from.  You don't have to end your friendship with her b/c she's no longer dating your brother, IMO.  You just have to tread a little carefully while they either sort things out or move on.  

I would also probably re-write the Thank You note.  She'll be glad to hear from you, I'm sure.   

novella1186

Aw man I'm sorry. I know how it feels. My sister dated an AWESOME guy for 7 years and he was totally part of the family. I felt like he was my brother, and everyone loved him. I still miss him, and they broke up 3 years ago. 

I messaged him a little while after they broke up (not right away; I wanted to give him some time to breathe) and said something like "I'm sorry this happened" and some sentimental thing. I can't remember my exact wording but I didn't want him to think that my entire family had just thrown him by the wayside and forgotten about him. He took the breakup really hard. He'd wanted to get married by my sister... ugh. Anyway. He responded and said it meant a lot to hear from me, and we've somewhat kept in touch. 

If you two are close and you have a genuine friendship with her (which it sounds like) then I think it would be really nice of you to reach out to her and just offer support or sympathy for what she's going through, like you would with any friend. 

In my case I did not really reach out to my sister because she had already told me she wanted the relationship to be over and she was fine with the breakup. In fact, she was already dating new guys before her ex had a chance to move out of their house. She's cold. 

randomslove

I had something similar happen to me once upon a time (I was like 17 when they broke up). My brother was dating a woman-- his first real relationship-- who we all became very close to. So close that my mom took her on the family's traditional 21st birthday trip. She lived with us until I was 18ish, and they dated off and on that entire time. It was heartbreaking when their breakup became so bad that she moved away and couldn't handle being around him anymore.

That was 8 years ago. They now can talk and be in the same room, still care about each other, but would never revisit a relationship. More than that, this woman who was part of our lives for many years is still a part of our lives. In fact, I'm considering asking her to be a BM when the time comes around. Through the breakups and the heartache, she managed to stay connected to all of us. She's like a sister to me.

Anyway, point is that the breakup doesn't mean you have to lose her in your life. Give her some time and distance to heal, then start slowly reaching out to her. A breakup doesn't have to change your relationship with her.

loveislouder

I'm with Novella. If you're really close I think it's okay for you to remain friends. My dad's sister and my mom are still good friends.

lyndausvi

My cousin broke up with his long-time GF.    The now-ex was still the MOH in his sister's wedding and a godmother to her daughter.    Just because brother and gf broke up didn't mean his sister had to lose her best friend as a result.   25+ something years after the breakup sister and ex are still great friends.

I would reach out to both of them.

redheadbride15

Thanks ladies. You're all right. I guess the emotions are a bit raw all around (including my own!), so I'll give it a few days and then reach out to them.

For the record, my parents are divorced and my mother and my father's sister are still close friends, 40 years later. In fact, they're going on a trip together next week. So I know it's possible.

NowIamMrsKlein

I would wait a bit and then reach out to both of them.

A similar thing happened to me. My brother and his wife are highschool sweet hearts and are two years older than me, so she's been in my life since I was 14ish. They went through a rough patch while I was away at college and broke up. I was devastated because this girl was more like a sister to me than my brother GF.

I waited 2 days toying over whether or not I should contact her, and finally did because I couldn't bear the idea of not getting to say goodbye or see her again (I went to an OOT college). I contacted her on MSN (woooo 2004!!) and she was so happy to hear from me. She told me that she really wanted to talk to me about what had happened, because out of everyone, I understand my brother best and could empathsize with what had happened. She had been too scared to contact me because I was 'the little sister'

Anyways I probably talked with her for several hours that night, gave her my honest opinion on the situation (My brother is a terrible communicator and they just were completely missing each others point). And I told her that they needed to sit down and each have a chance to say how they were feeling.

They did end up working it out and have been married now for 7 years.

Anyways, Long story short,  you may actually be someone good for her to talk to because you understand both parties. As long as you can be impartial (not be like 'well he's my brother so he's right).

AddieCake

If you're friends with her, certainly you can remain so.

vikinganna87

Agree with PPs.  Though I don't think you need to wait to reach out to both of them with "I'm really sorry about what happened. I'm here any time you need to talk."  I think especially for the ex GF it's important to confirm that you're not "taking sides" and that you will completely support her.  She probably knows this already - considering your friendship - but it doesn't hurt to hear it again.

These situations suck and it's natural to feel uncomfortable. 

[Deleted User]

I feel you. My brother and his fiance split about 3 weeks ago; she moved out last week. They have a daughter together.

I tried not to jump to conclusions about why they split but I had a hunch it was because of something my brother did- I was right. He cheated. *ugh*

Trying to be compassionate about this but it's hard. My mom says he's ignoring his daughter, won't return their calls...

Sad, sad, sad.

If this girl is really your friend, I'd say be there for her if you can. Good luck...

levioosa

I vote for reach out to her.  I was super close to my ex's family and we were together for six years.  When we broke up, it was like I never even existed, and that hurt a lot.  I'm sure they were just trying to be careful and considerate, but it came off as a slap in the face to me after everything that had happened.  I think you can still be friends if she would like to be. Just reach out and let her know you're there for her.