Registry and Gift Forum

Money vs. Gifts (Registering vs. Not).

Firstly I would like to say that I'm in my 30s as are several friends getting married. But we all stumble on the same issue. We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it). 

I've been told by several parties that if no registry exists that people see this as "you have what you need and no gifts are required" However, that seems to me a "i don't have time to unnecessarily make a registry and I don't need pots and pans" but i do need cash because even a humble wedding is expensive. Cold hard green cash. This may sound awful but what I want guests to bring is money. I'm not saying they even have to cover their cost, I plan a wedding I take on the financial responsibility. But if they are bringing a gift be it for $50 or $500 instead of pots cash helps relieve the burden of the cost of the wedding.  

How do you tell people this -- some know, some can share it through word of mouth but generally going to someones 3rd cousin and saying don't bring me pots bring me money is just plain rude. So how can this be done?

Thanks,
«1

Re: Money vs. Gifts (Registering vs. Not).

  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Firstly I would like to say that I'm in my 30s as are several friends getting married. But we all stumble on the same issue. We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it). 

    I've been told by several parties that if no registry exists that people see this as "you have what you need and no gifts are required" However, that seems to me a "i don't have time to unnecessarily make a registry and I don't need pots and pans" but i do need cash because even a humble wedding is expensive. Cold hard green cash. This may sound awful but what I want guests to bring is money. I'm not saying they even have to cover their cost, I plan a wedding I take on the financial responsibility. But if they are bringing a gift be it for $50 or $500 instead of pots cash helps relieve the burden of the cost of the wedding.  

    How do you tell people this -- some know, some can share it through word of mouth but generally going to someones 3rd cousin and saying don't bring me pots bring me money is just plain rude. So how can this be done?

    Thanks,
    Well if you are wanting cash to relieve the burden of paying for your wedding then you are most likely not budgeting wisely enough.

    But if you don't need any physical items then just don't register.  It does not tell people that you didn't feel like doing it, it tells people that you don't need anything like pots and pans and sheets and what not.

    And if people ask where you are registered you can simply say "oh we didn't register but we are saving up to renovate our kitchen" or whatever.  That tells people that money is a welcome gift (which is pretty much already known by everyone) without coming right out and saying "give me cash!"

    A bridal shower (if you want one and one is offered to you) is still possible without a registry, just be prepared to receive gifts that are not of your liking because people will be buying blind basically.  And it would be rude if someone were to throw you a bridal shower and then told people that cash gifts are preferred because the point of a shower is to receive boxed gifts not paper gifts.

    [Deleted User]
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Firstly I would like to say that I'm in my 30s as are several friends getting married. But we all stumble on the same issue. We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it). 

    I've been told by several parties that if no registry exists that people see this as "you have what you need and no gifts are required" However, that seems to me a "i don't have time to unnecessarily make a registry and I don't need pots and pans" but i do need cash because even a humble wedding is expensive. Cold hard green cash. This may sound awful but what I want guests to bring is money. I'm not saying they even have to cover their cost, I plan a wedding I take on the financial responsibility. But if they are bringing a gift be it for $50 or $500 instead of pots cash helps relieve the burden of the cost of the wedding.  

    How do you tell people this -- some know, some can share it through word of mouth but generally going to someones 3rd cousin and saying don't bring me pots bring me money is just plain rude. So how can this be done?

    Thanks,
    You do not announce that you want money (and FYI, money IS a gift; gifts v. money doesn't make any sense).  You can not register and hope people take the hint, but realize that they may choose not to give you any gift at all (and they don't need to, gifts are never required), or they may not be comfortable giving cash and give you a physical item anyway.  If someone asks you where you're registered you can say that you decided not to register because you don't need anything, but you're saving up for XYZ.  That's as far as you can go about hinting that you want money.



    [Deleted User]
  • Whenever I'm invited to a wedding where the couple isn't registered, I take that to mean they want cash. So I give cash.

    Whenever a couple announces they want money or registers for money or says "no boxed gifts" or anything else that is money grubbing, I give them a boxed gift without a gift receipt.
    I do the same thing; a check if you don't mention anything, a regifted item or thrift store find if you specifically say you want cash.  I'm just passive aggressive that way.
    BouxRadleySTARMOON44Knottie67868874
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    There is no polite way to ask for cash gifts. If you don't want physical gifts, don't register and decline any showers. 

    If you need the money to recoup on what you are spending on your wedding, you are spending too much. You need to either cut the budget and your plans, or post-pone the wedding so that you can save up for the wedding you want. Gifts are not meant to reimburse you for the cost of the wedding.
    thisismynickname2
  • NowIAmSypNowIAmSyp East Hanover, NJ member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 500 Comments First Answer
    Firstly I would like to say that I'm in my 30s as are several friends getting married. But we all stumble on the same issue. We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it). 

    I've been told by several parties that if no registry exists that people see this as "you have what you need and no gifts are required" However, that seems to me a "i don't have time to unnecessarily make a registry and I don't need pots and pans" but i do need cash because even a humble wedding is expensive. Cold hard green cash. This may sound awful but what I want guests to bring is money. I'm not saying they even have to cover their cost, I plan a wedding I take on the financial responsibility. But if they are bringing a gift be it for $50 or $500 instead of pots cash helps relieve the burden of the cost of the wedding.  

    How do you tell people this -- some know, some can share it through word of mouth but generally going to someones 3rd cousin and saying don't bring me pots bring me money is just plain rude. So how can this be done?

    Thanks,
    OP, the bolded is just gross...  yuck.

    And PP's have it covered- if you need cash to help pay for the wedding, your wedding is too expensive.  

    Can you re-vamp your budget?  Lower your guest list?  Remove un-needed items (favors, full open bar, etc.)?
  • Firstly I would like to say that I'm in my 30s as are several friends getting married. But we all stumble on the same issue. We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it). 

    I've been told by several parties that if no registry exists that people see this as "you have what you need and no gifts are required" However, that seems to me a "i don't have time to unnecessarily make a registry and I don't need pots and pans" but i do need cash because even a humble wedding is expensive. Cold hard green cash. This may sound awful but what I want guests to bring is money. I'm not saying they even have to cover their cost, I plan a wedding I take on the financial responsibility. But if they are bringing a gift be it for $50 or $500 instead of pots cash helps relieve the burden of the cost of the wedding.  

    How do you tell people this -- some know, some can share it through word of mouth but generally going to someones 3rd cousin and saying don't bring me pots bring me money is just plain rude. So how can this be done?

    Thanks,
    Gifts are NEVER required, whether they be a physical object or cash.  FYI - cash is a gift.  It's not a donation; you aren't a charity.  It's a gift.

    If you're depending on cash to finance your wedding or "reimburse" you, you're doing it wrong.  Plan the wedding you can afford or save until you can afford the wedding you want.

    If you literally need nothing for your household, then you don't register and if people ask you if you are registered anywhere, you respond with "Thank you very much for thinking of us, but we didn't register because we have everything we need for our household."  You can add in a "...but we're saving for XYZ" where XYZ does not equal your wedding.  You don't have a shower, because showers are for physical gifts.  You don't tell people "Give me cash."

    Some people will still give you physical gifts, because that's just how they roll.  You graciously accept those gifts like any decent human and write them a heartfelt thank you note for taking the time to pick something out and give you something.

    [Deleted User]
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    I like to tell people that if you don't register, you will likely get cash, but I think I am going to stop doing that and instead share what happened to us. It's surely not the norm, but always a possibility. We had a small registry, and we ended up getting very little off that registry and very little cash. Several people gave us restaurant gift cards (so cash in a way, but limiting), and several gave us things they decided we should have that we didn't register for.

    So you just never know what's going to happen as far as gifts, I guess, but you can't ever directly ask for money. You just have to hope for the best.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • Cookie PusherCookie Pusher Looking over your shoulder member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    DH and I didn't register. DH and I received no physical gifts. We did, however, receive cash from every person who gave a gift (which were all but 3 couples who attended). I never give physical gifts unless someone specifically asks for money.
    ~*~*~*~*~

  • edited June 2015
    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 


  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 


    It varies between social circles.   My family and DH's family (from different regions) are physical gifts for showers, money for weddings people.    However, within that, you will see an occasional physical gift at weddings.   We received about 10-15 physical gifts out of 140 people. A few of those were off registry.    

    One of my favorite gifts from my weddings was a handmade sign with DH's last name made out of marine flags.  At the time I was a working on boats in the islands.  We have moved 4 times since then and it's always the first thing DH hangs up.     








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • I always felt that registeries were more for the showers as most people give money for wedding gifts. Gift cards & checks aren't much fun to watch people open at showers.  Don't think of just the things you need. Think of the things you normally wouldn't treat yourself too. We went for things that were splurges like a wine frdge, a rechargable wine bottle opener, board games, yard games, new towels just to have some new towels. Heck we even went for a basketball hoop & ball & a new camera too.  If you aren't going to have a shower, then I wouldn't worry about registering.
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 


    That's not etiquette. That's custom. 

    Showers are for physical gifts everywhere. In my social circle guests are about 50/50 on cash or tangible gifts at the wedding. My midwestern family members never give cash. 
    als1982
  • als1982als1982 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015



    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 



    That's not etiquette. That's custom. 

    Showers are for physical gifts everywhere. In my social circle guests are about 50/50 on cash or tangible gifts at the wedding. My midwestern family members never give cash. 


    My Midwestern family also never brings a wedding gift if they've given a gift at a shower. I've finally convinced my mom to start giving wedding gifts too, but there's technically nothing wrong etiquette-wise about not bringing anything - cash or a boxes gift - to the wedding.
  • May14TXbrideMay14TXbride member
    Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited June 2015
    als1982 said:



    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 



    That's not etiquette. That's custom. 

    Showers are for physical gifts everywhere. In my social circle guests are about 50/50 on cash or tangible gifts at the wedding. My midwestern family members never give cash. 
    My Midwestern family also never brings a wedding gift if they've given a gift at a shower. I've finally convinced my mom to start giving wedding gifts too, but there's technically nothing wrong etiquette-wise about not bringing anything - cash or a boxes gift - to the wedding.


    ***boxes***
    Here's the thing. Shower gifts are wedding gifts. You are getting the gift for the same purpose, getting married. If someone wants to bring a separate gift to the wedding, thats awesome and very thoughtful of your wedding guest, but certainly not needed or rude if they don't.
    [Deleted User]thisismynickname2
  • als1982als1982 member
    Second Anniversary 10 Comments Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015

    als1982 said:



    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 



    That's not etiquette. That's custom. 

    Showers are for physical gifts everywhere. In my social circle guests are about 50/50 on cash or tangible gifts at the wedding. My midwestern family members never give cash. 
    My Midwestern family also never brings a wedding gift if they've given a gift at a shower. I've finally convinced my mom to start giving wedding gifts too, but there's technically nothing wrong etiquette-wise about not bringing anything - cash or a boxes gift - to the wedding.

    ***boxes***
    Here's the thing. Shower gifts are wedding gifts. You are getting the gift for the same purpose, getting married. If someone wants to bring a separate gift to the wedding, thats awesome and very thoughtful of your wedding guest, but certainly not needed or rude if they don't.

    I don't necessarily disagree, but a shower and a wedding are two separate events, and while the entire point of a shower is to receive gifts, a gift is never required of a wedding guest.
  • als1982 said:

    als1982 said:



    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 



    That's not etiquette. That's custom. 

    Showers are for physical gifts everywhere. In my social circle guests are about 50/50 on cash or tangible gifts at the wedding. My midwestern family members never give cash. 
    My Midwestern family also never brings a wedding gift if they've given a gift at a shower. I've finally convinced my mom to start giving wedding gifts too, but there's technically nothing wrong etiquette-wise about not bringing anything - cash or a boxes gift - to the wedding.

    ***boxes***
    Here's the thing. Shower gifts are wedding gifts. You are getting the gift for the same purpose, getting married. If someone wants to bring a separate gift to the wedding, thats awesome and very thoughtful of your wedding guest, but certainly not needed or rude if they don't.
    I don't necessarily disagree, but a shower and a wedding are two separate events, and while the entire point of a shower is to receive gifts, a gift is never required of a wedding guest.

    ***boxes again***
    True, they are separate events, but you are having a shower because of the wedding. Another view point, showers are typically for the bride. That's like saying the shower gifts are for the bride, when in fact, they are actually wedding gifts, they are to the bride and groom. You are just getting the gift early, before the wedding. Same as if a gift is shipped to the couples home in advance instead of taking it to the wedding.
    AddieCake[Deleted User]thisismynickname2
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    Thank you, @StefAndPhil2014 I am always saying exactly that, that a shower gift IS a wedding gift, and I don't understand why a lot of people miss that. I always bring a gift to each, though, because it just feels right to me.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
    May14TXbridethisismynickname2
  • edited June 2015
    These are interesting responses about the different customs in different areas.  I grew up in the Northeast and we definitely view showers as separate events from weddings. I was raised to give a separate gift at both events, usually a boxed gift at a shower and monetary gift at the wedding. 


  • These are interesting responses about the different customs in different areas.  I grew up in the Northeast and we definitely view showers as separate events from weddings. I was raised to give a separate gift at both events, usually a boxed gift at a shower and monetary gift at the wedding. 


    For me, it depends on the registry.  I hate showers so I don't attend them, but I will send a gift.  If I like the items on the registry and can find enough to fill the amount I was planning on gifting, I'll do ONLY a pre-wedding boxed gift.  If I can only find something small on the registry, I'll do a small pre-wedding boxed gift and a check at the actual wedding.  If I can't find a registry or don't like anything on it, I'll do a check at the actual wedding.  But I don't give more than I was planning on giving just because I was invited to a shower.
  • kvrunskvruns member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer

    I've always given boxed gifts at weddings, to be honest until my own I've never known of one that didn't have a registry.  I also like to registry stalk so I can make sure and get first pick of the items so I feel good about what I'm getting for the $$.  Plus if they register somewhere that I can use a coupon (BBB, Kohls, Macys) I like that I get "more" for the money I'm spending.

    als1982
  • Weddings aren’t about money. They are about family, about making my mom happy. About having a good day with friends and the love of your life! However they are also expensive. The issue is that no matter what we spend we will spend too much. Wedding vendors charge obscene amounts of money. I don't intend to tell people give me cash (i'm not that rude) and even if we somehow manage to get this wedding in - in under 10K (which is practically nonexistent) we are still spending too much in my book.  

    soontobesyp said

    OP, the bolded is just gross...  yuck.

    And PP's have it covered- if you need cash to help pay for the wedding, your wedding is too expensive.  

    Can you re-vamp your budget?  Lower your guest list?  Remove un-needed items (favors, full open bar, etc.)?


    To answer your question -- 

    I don't intend to be gross nor do I have unnecessarily items, and I'm not going for fancy venues/flowers. No matter what I end up spending It feels like putting 2K down for a venue (and that is on the very low side) is spending a lot. I’m aiming for simple, elegant, and clean. I say I don’t need toasters and if I did I could buy one. Yes. But I still have to have this wedding – even a simple one. Which means I still have to pay for it, so if I’m going to have this event where I spend far too much – I would like to recoup some of that. (Why is this gross, or bad?)
    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 

    That is The etiquette is very simple. Bring a check to the wedding. That is your gift.  Many don’t have showers because they know you will be spending money on the wedding. (We all hail from the former Soviet Union) that is how I’ve always had it. But for those friends who do have a shower (because it’s insisted or just one you bring a small/moderate or whatever you can afford) type of gift. Or nothing – that’s happened too.

     

    scribe95 said:
    This is my favorite part:

    We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it).

    Uh, if you can afford to go buy everything you need then you don't need cash.

    That is just not true. The wedding as I mentioned, is as much for my parents, as well as grooms parents as they are for us. We may be set in the ways of a toaster but the wedding will still go down. Where we come from we don't ask for things - if we want the wedding we plan it and pay for it ourselves. (that is not to say parents wont help) But if i'm shelling out 10K or 30K or anything in between for a simple event so everyone can have a good time and celebrate. Then i see no reason to want to recoup some of those spending's instead of getting a toaster. 

    I don't have any intention to be rude or upsetting. I am going along with what my loved ones want as much as what I want. I ask a simple question - for those individuals not of the same exact culture/etiquette how can it be (politely and not rudley) be made known that if there is any intention of a gift - then preference is the money/cash.  
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    YeliYR said:

    Weddings aren’t about money. They are about family, about making my mom happy. About having a good day with friends and the love of your life! However they are also expensive. The issue is that no matter what we spend we will spend too much. Wedding vendors charge obscene amounts of money. I don't intend to tell people give me cash (i'm not that rude) and even if we somehow manage to get this wedding in - in under 10K (which is practically nonexistent) we are still spending too much in my book.  

    soontobesyp said

    OP, the bolded is just gross...  yuck.

    And PP's have it covered- if you need cash to help pay for the wedding, your wedding is too expensive.  

    Can you re-vamp your budget?  Lower your guest list?  Remove un-needed items (favors, full open bar, etc.)?


    To answer your question -- 

    I don't intend to be gross nor do I have unnecessarily items, and I'm not going for fancy venues/flowers. No matter what I end up spending It feels like putting 2K down for a venue (and that is on the very low side) is spending a lot. I’m aiming for simple, elegant, and clean. I say I don’t need toasters and if I did I could buy one. Yes. But I still have to have this wedding – even a simple one. Which means I still have to pay for it, so if I’m going to have this event where I spend far too much – I would like to recoup some of that. (Why is this gross, or bad?)
    Can I ask what the etiquette is in your area regarding wedding gifts?   I ask because this questions about money vs. gifts comes up a lot on here.    In my social circle, registries are for showers.   People give cash at weddings.  So, this question sort of confuses me.   I thought this was pretty standard everywhere.  But, maybe not.

    You can't say you want cash.  You can't imply you want any gifts.  You just take what is given to you graciously.  If you don't want boxed gifts, don't register.   A few people asked my parents/relatives what we really wanted.   My mom told them we're saving for a house, and sort of left it at that.   

    Once there isn't a registry, people will get the hint that you want cash. 

    That is The etiquette is very simple. Bring a check to the wedding. That is your gift.  Many don’t have showers because they know you will be spending money on the wedding. (We all hail from the former Soviet Union) that is how I’ve always had it. But for those friends who do have a shower (because it’s insisted or just one you bring a small/moderate or whatever you can afford) type of gift. Or nothing – that’s happened too.

     

    scribe95 said:
    This is my favorite part:

    We don't need toasters, plates etc. we need Cash. (if we did need a toaster we would go out and buy it).

    Uh, if you can afford to go buy everything you need then you don't need cash.

    That is just not true. The wedding as I mentioned, is as much for my parents, as well as grooms parents as they are for us. We may be set in the ways of a toaster but the wedding will still go down. Where we come from we don't ask for things - if we want the wedding we plan it and pay for it ourselves. (that is not to say parents wont help) But if i'm shelling out 10K or 30K or anything in between for a simple event so everyone can have a good time and celebrate. Then i see no reason to want to recoup some of those spending's instead of getting a toaster. 

    I don't have any intention to be rude or upsetting. I am going along with what my loved ones want as much as what I want. I ask a simple question - for those individuals not of the same exact culture/etiquette how can it be (politely and not rudley) be made known that if there is any intention of a gift - then preference is the money/cash.  
    If you really can't see how wanting your guests to reimburse you for your wedding is gross, you need more help that this board can offer. 

    You don't have to spend 2K on a venue and you don't have to spend 10K on a wedding. 
    levioosa[Deleted User]southernbelle0915Blue_Bird
  • Jells2dot0Jells2dot0 Cowtown mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I spent 30k on an elopement for two. There is no recouping that and I'd never even think to try.

    You can never plan to recoup any costs of a wedding! It's rude, presumptuous, and really, it's avoidable.

    Spend what you can afford. If you think $10k is too much, then don't spend that. Fuck what other people want. Other people's opinions are what led to me eloping and having a private civil ceremony. It was the most beautiful and perfect day.

     







  • thisismynickname2thisismynickname2 City By The Lake member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I have to second the "shower gift IS a wedding gift" notion. You don't get a random shower for shits and giggles, you get one because you're getting married. I also agree that, when invited to bother shower and wedding I give two gifts, but the value of each is halved. You get married, I have $200 to give you. Whether that's a full $200 at the wedding only or $150 cash at wedding and $50 toaster at shower, well... So don't be greedy, folks.

    You want cash, don't register, and do no or very minimal registry. Then graciously accept whatever you get.
    ________________________________


  • I understand needing to have a wedding for family.  I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding.  However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party.  "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford.  With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement.  But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant.  Anything else is outside of the budget."  If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it.  If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?
  • One of my best friends came to America in her early 20s, started working in a bagel store and has moved her way up -- she recently passed the bar got her citizenship and got engaged.  She's done pretty well for herself but she has loans her parents are flying in (he is of humble means too). In her 10 years in this country she's made friends, colleagues and lots of loved ones. (Her parents too would like something nice for their child, no one is talking fancy here, just nice). 

    They are planning a wedding for about 12-15K simple and modest. I'm sure help will be given by parents but both sets don't exactly have the means to pay for things. She like me come from the mentality that if you want something you pay for it - and if you can't afford it you dont. But the question stands how much of her simple expense can she recoup. 

    She's not doing anything crazy fancy - but she is doing something elegant and nice. Something her parents would like (they don't exactly have millions to give out). This is pretty much the max of her budget. I don't see anything wrong with preferring to recoup some of the expenditures rather then getting gifts. 
  • One of my best friends came to America in her early 20s, started working in a bagel store and has moved her way up -- she recently passed the bar got her citizenship and got engaged.  She's done pretty well for herself but she has loans her parents are flying in (he is of humble means too). In her 10 years in this country she's made friends, colleagues and lots of loved ones. (Her parents too would like something nice for their child, no one is talking fancy here, just nice). 

    They are planning a wedding for about 12-15K simple and modest. I'm sure help will be given by parents but both sets don't exactly have the means to pay for things. She like me come from the mentality that if you want something you pay for it - and if you can't afford it you dont. But the question stands how much of her simple expense can she recoup. 

    She's not doing anything crazy fancy - but she is doing something elegant and nice. Something her parents would like (they don't exactly have millions to give out). This is pretty much the max of her budget. I don't see anything wrong with preferring to recoup some of the expenditures rather then getting gifts. 
    "Recoup[ing] some of the expenditures rather then [sic] getting gifts" IS GETTING GIFTS.  People who give CASH are giving a GIFT of CASH.  Also, while you can Prefer whatever you want, and can certainly use any gifts for whatever you want, you can't Demand or Request money.  A gift is freely given, otherwise it's a payment or ticket or purchase.  If you demand a "gift" of $100 per person for the people who accept your invite, it's no longer a gift freely given, but a ticket they are now purchasing to attend your event.  And that is gross.
  • adk19 said:
    I understand needing to have a wedding for family.  I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding.  However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party.  "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford.  With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement.  But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant.  Anything else is outside of the budget."  If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it.  If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?
    You didn't answer my question.  It's bolded above.
    MyNameIsNotMaggie0829
  • adk19 said:
    adk19 said:
    I understand needing to have a wedding for family.  I've told people before that I'm not allowed to just get married, I have to have a Wedding.  However, if you're spending so much that you need to recoup costs, you need to have a less expensive party.  "Mom, Dad, I know you want a big wedding, but it's just not something I can afford.  With the current guest list, I can only afford to host cake and punch in the church basement.  But if we can work together to decrease the guest list, I might be able to host a smaller event in the party room of this restaurant.  Anything else is outside of the budget."  If your parents still want the big shindig, they'll offer to pay for it.  If they pay for it, will you be giving your cash gifts to them?
    You didn't answer my question.  It's bolded above.
    Yes I plan to reimburse (as I imagine so does my friend) my parents for their expenditure. They don't want a big fancy thing but even a simple medium sized thing still costs a lot. Also why should parents pay - why are people so inclined to say "my parents will pay" my girlfriend and I both are fortunate to have loving parents (as are our fiancee's) but If i want this event to take place why should anyone else pay for it but me. 

    Also in her case her parents aren't living in this country, they aren't making a lot of money. Mine are paying a mortgage and for other expenses. Yes they may want to invite people and have certain relatives there but why is it seen as their expense? I don't object to making them happy with the guest list - as they've done a lot for me over the the last 30 years. But nevertheless I should be able to pay for what I want. What I want is to not get unnecessary gifts but rather gifts that can help me offset the event I'm organizing to make our families happy. 

    It really must be a cultural thing. 
    This whole thing started with me asking if there is a good/polite way to inquire if we can forget the the whole registry/gift thing and just have people (who want to give gifts) give those gifts in means that can be useful. That is really it. 
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