Etiquette

is this too much??

Re: is this too much??

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado
    Moderator Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    mod
    IMO - yes.


    I also do not get the point of getting legally married and then having a semi-destination ceremony a year later.   






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • Hello fellow wedding worriers! 

    So here is the situation:  My fiancé and I are discussing getting legally married about a year before we have the actual ceremony.  (Mainly due to financial and insurance issues)  We have already decided on having a semi-destination wedding that would be traveling for both sides of our families.  The destination wedding will have approximately 50 people with a small party after.  However, we are receiving "strong suggestions" to have parties back in each of our home states (Fl and Tx) for those people we cannot invite to the actual ceremony.  

    My question for you smart ladies is:  Is this too much?  Too many celebrations (legally married, destination ceremony/party, party Tx, and party Fl)?  I do not want people saying that "there are too many parties" or that is it "overdone".  Also, if this isn't too much:  does one wear their actual wedding dress to the "parties back home" or is that tacky?

    Thank you for all your suggestions!! I have never been a girl to know anything about weddings or the etiquette surrounding them.
    Yes, too much. You can't have a wedding after you are already married, because they are the same thing. Get married once and invite whomever you want to that wedding, host them properly and have a great time. 
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  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
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    You get one wedding.



    Knottie12298698hashtag43016southernbelle0915
  • One wedding. None of this we are so special we need to get married now but also pls come to our semi destination fake wedding crap.
    Knottie12298698adk19
  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
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    No to the vow renewal only a year later and no to the reception tour to accommodate everyone.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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    adk19OliveOilsMom
  • This is too much. You only get one wedding - it's the one where you get married. Everything else is dressing up pretending to be a bride and groom.
    *********************************************************************************

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    adk19
  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    Yes, and anyway, AHR's aren't for people you didn't invite in the first place, they're for people who couldn't make it but were invited.  Personally, I couldn't imagine planning or wanting to sit through 4 parties.  


    ETA - Shoutout to Justsie for the quote!!  

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    beachyone15adk19OliveOilsMomlc07
  • OP, why the DD? You asked for an opinion on this and people gave you honest opinions. If it wasn't what you wanted to hear, then why ask? 

    And for the record, I agree that 4 wedding celebrations is a bit much. Just have 1 wedding. When you visit your home state, you could always have a casual BBQ or something just to see everyone, but this is not a wedding, so you would not wear wedding attire or have a first dance or any of that nonsense. 

    People can party and get together as much as they want. But there is no need to have several weddings. (Imagine how much stress and money and time all that planning would cost you) 
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  • Don't do any of this. 

    Either get married when you want and invite people or wait for the year. Don't do a PPD/destination/reception tour. Ugh.
    adk19novella1186
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited June 2015

    If I were you, I'd either accept that the legal ceremony that gets you insurance benefits is your one and only "wedding" and just have a celebration then, or get married where you live so you can invite everyone (don't have "celebrations" in both your home states), to be followed by a nice honeymoon in the location you want to hold your destination wedding at.

    But I would not have a "legal" ceremony followed by a "destination wedding" followed by local celebrations.  Sadly, it's an unfortunate fact that not everyone can be available wherever and whenever you (generic) choose to get married, and I wouldn't try to "include" everyone with multiple parties and celebrations.  That is too much, and the "destination wedding" would not be a wedding because you're already married. 

    adk19newvalleysparklepants41
  • Yes, and anyway, AHR's aren't for people you didn't invite in the first place, they're for people who couldn't make it but were invited.  Personally, I couldn't imagine planning or wanting to sit through 4 parties.  


    ETA - Shoutout to Justsie for the quote!!  

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    Heffalumplc07southernbelle0915WinstonsGirl
  • fe31fe31
    Sixth Anniversary First Comment
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    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.  Now, I would not have a destination and parties in diferent states, but i do not see anything wrong with having an actual wedding a year after you all actually marry.  I don't think it is a big deal.  LOL!  that is just like telling people that have been married before that they cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  TRULY, it is not that big of a deal if you have a ceremony a year after you're married.
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    fe31 said:
    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.  Now, I would not have a destination and parties in diferent states, but i do not see anything wrong with having an actual wedding a year after you all actually marry.  I don't think it is a big deal.  LOL!  that is just like telling people that have been married before that they cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  TRULY, it is not that big of a deal if you have a ceremony a year after you're married.

    The bolded does not make sense because your actual wedding is when you actually marry-not a year later.

    And it is a big deal to get married and then lie about it in order to have a "wedding" that is just a reenactment.

    adk19
  • adk19adk19
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    fe31 said:
    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.  Now, I would not have a destination and parties in diferent states, but i do not see anything wrong with having an actual wedding a year after you all actually marry.  I don't think it is a big deal.  LOL!  that is just like telling people that have been married before that they cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  TRULY, it is not that big of a deal if you have a ceremony a year after you're married.
    That's actually exactly what we're saying.  People that have been married before cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  True.  They are married.  Unless they got divorced in between the two ceremonies the second is nothing but a play; actors pretending to get married.
    STARMOON44
  • fe31 said:
    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.  Now, I would not have a destination and parties in diferent states, but i do not see anything wrong with having an actual wedding a year after you all actually marry.  I don't think it is a big deal.  LOL!  that is just like telling people that have been married before that they cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  TRULY, it is not that big of a deal if you have a ceremony a year after you're married.
    Because it's stupid, and adults typically find stupid behavior uncomfortable to watch. 

    An "actual" wedding is what happens the day you "actually" get married. Easy logic, there.  Having a make pretend wedding at a later date is just a big false self indulgent game of pretend, and again, stupid, because adults don't play pretend wedding and ask their friends to play make pretend with them. 

    It's also attention whorish to need two weddings so everyyyyyybody can see. So, attention seeking, fake, and all around stoopid. Yes, just what everyone can't wait to be part of. 
    adk19
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
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    I agree that a destination wedding/reception tour is much, and would say so without the legal ceremony.  But I also see nothing wrong with a legal wedding at one time and a more formal ceremony after.

    My sister and her H were legally married in their current state of Florida for insurance and then had a religious ceremony with a reception back home in Michigan where all of our families are from.  To them, the legal ceremony was a means to an end and the ceremony in front of family and friends in the church where our grandparents were married was the emotional testament of their love for each other.  
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    I agree that a destination wedding/reception tour is much, and would say so without the legal ceremony.  But I also see nothing wrong with a legal wedding at one time and a more formal ceremony after.

    My sister and her H were legally married in their current state of Florida for insurance and then had a religious ceremony with a reception back home in Michigan where all of our families are from.  To them, the legal ceremony was a means to an end and the ceremony in front of family and friends in the church where our grandparents were married was the emotional testament of their love for each other.  

    So what?  Nobody attending a wedding really cares about whether or not you consider your wedding "the emotional testament of your love for each other." Presumably that's why you want the social, legal, and religious benefits of being together in the first place.  It's built into the whole reason you're getting married. 

    But it is actually defrauding the public to claim those benefits while pretending not to be married because the ceremony that gives you the right to them is not what you consider "the emotional testament of your love for each other."  If the benefits are that important to you, why not wait and make the ceremony that is "the emotional testament of your love for each other" the one that entitles you to those benefits in the first place? If not, why not just own the ceremony that entitled you to those benefits in the first place as "the emotional testament of your love for each other" ?  You're not entitled to "the emotional testament of your love for each other" while pretending not to be married and claiming marriage benefits at the same time.

    adk19
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta
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    fe31 said:
    Personally, I don't see what the big deal is.  Now, I would not have a destination and parties in diferent states, but i do not see anything wrong with having an actual wedding a year after you all actually marry.  I don't think it is a big deal.  LOL!  that is just like telling people that have been married before that they cannot have a 2nd ceremony.  TRULY, it is not that big of a deal if you have a ceremony a year after you're married.
    The actual wedding is where you get actually married. There's one wedding per marriage. A second ceremony is called a vow renewal. It's not a wedding and shouldn't be treated like one. 
    adk19newvalley
  • adk19adk19
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    Jen4948 said:
    I agree that a destination wedding/reception tour is much, and would say so without the legal ceremony.  But I also see nothing wrong with a legal wedding at one time and a more formal ceremony after.

    My sister and her H were legally married in their current state of Florida for insurance and then had a religious ceremony with a reception back home in Michigan where all of our families are from.  To them, the legal ceremony was a means to an end and the ceremony in front of family and friends in the church where our grandparents were married was the emotional testament of their love for each other.  

    So what?  Nobody attending a wedding really cares about whether or not you consider your wedding "the emotional testament of your love for each other." Presumably that's why you want the social, legal, and religious benefits of being together in the first place.  It's built into the whole reason you're getting married. 

    But it is actually defrauding the public to claim those benefits while pretending not to be married because the ceremony that gives you the right to them is not what you consider "the emotional testament of your love for each other."  If the benefits are that important to you, why not wait and make the ceremony that is "the emotional testament of your love for each other" the one that entitles you to those benefits in the first place? If not, why not just own the ceremony that entitled you to those benefits in the first place as "the emotional testament of your love for each other" ?  You're not entitled to "the emotional testament of your love for each other" while pretending not to be married and claiming marriage benefits at the same time.

    Shit!  If the only important thing is the emotional testament of your love for each other, do THAT ONLY and don't do the legal stuff AT ALL.  Seriously, how come nobody does it the other way around?  "We want to make our love public, but we don't want to fill out that pesky paperwork.  We're going to have a 'ceremonial wedding' but not actually get married."  Nobody has the emotional testament of your love for each other in a big fancy ceremony and reception and doesn't ALSO do the legal "nonsense".  Why not?  Because the legal stuff is a Big Fucking Deal.

    And getting married for insurance is such a huge crock of shit.  I was paying almost $700 a month for more than a year for Cobra insurance until Obamacare kicked in and I could start paying $175 a month instead.  Sure, FH and I could have gotten married back then, but we're adults who make adult decisions and decided not to get married so early on in our relationship because of a stupid reason like insurance.  Just because someone you know made a stupid decision doesn't make it right to suggest others make the same stupid decision.
    newvalley
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    I agree that a destination wedding/reception tour is much, and would say so without the legal ceremony.  But I also see nothing wrong with a legal wedding at one time and a more formal ceremony after.

    My sister and her H were legally married in their current state of Florida for insurance and then had a religious ceremony with a reception back home in Michigan where all of our families are from.  To them, the legal ceremony was a means to an end and the ceremony in front of family and friends in the church where our grandparents were married was the emotional testament of their love for each other.  
    They were married, once. That's it. You cannot get married again unless you get divorced.

    BTW, that whole legal means to an end thing, emotional testament thing is  not going to fly around here. In case you haven't noticed, something really big happened today to do with marriage. NOW, go and tell people that that legal ceremony is a means to an end and see how it goes...
    I see your point and can agree to disagree on this.The part where you become spouses is the most important, it's the whole point and it's why we're all here:).

    I've watched (with teary eyes) all day photos and videos of families rushing to courthouses to get married today.  And if any of those couples chose to hold a ceremony and reception later to celebrate, I wouldn't begrudge that either.  Today was huge for everyone and it's been amazing to see.  But I don't think choosing a fast courthouse ceremony is a reason the couple can't celebrate formally later either.
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  • adk19adk19
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    I agree that a destination wedding/reception tour is much, and would say so without the legal ceremony.  But I also see nothing wrong with a legal wedding at one time and a more formal ceremony after.

    My sister and her H were legally married in their current state of Florida for insurance and then had a religious ceremony with a reception back home in Michigan where all of our families are from.  To them, the legal ceremony was a means to an end and the ceremony in front of family and friends in the church where our grandparents were married was the emotional testament of their love for each other.  
    They were married, once. That's it. You cannot get married again unless you get divorced.

    BTW, that whole legal means to an end thing, emotional testament thing is  not going to fly around here. In case you haven't noticed, something really big happened today to do with marriage. NOW, go and tell people that that legal ceremony is a means to an end and see how it goes...
    I see your point and can agree to disagree on this.The part where you become spouses is the most important, it's the whole point and it's why we're all here:).

    I've watched (with teary eyes) all day photos and videos of families rushing to courthouses to get married today.  And if any of those couples chose to hold a ceremony and reception later to celebrate, I wouldn't begrudge that either.  Today was huge for everyone and it's been amazing to see.  But I don't think choosing a fast courthouse ceremony is a reason the couple can't celebrate formally later either.
    But why would they want to celebrate formally later?  They did it, they're married.  Dressing up and PRETENDING to be unmarried in order to GET married is silly.  I mean, if they want to celebrate later, all the more power to them, throw a party!  But don't Pretend it's your wedding.  It's a party!  With cake and dancing and flowers and tuxes and friends and family and love; but it's NOT a wedding!
    newvalleylc07
  • Yeah what they all said above. You can agree to disagree all you want. I disagree with you because you're wrong.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    Having a courthouse wedding, followed by a party (Vow renewal) a year later is marginally acceptable, though most people will want to see your wedding.  Don't expect many guests, especially for an expensive destination re-do ceremony.  Most people are somewhat reluctant to spend a lot of money to attend a destination wedding, but they are willing for close relatives.  You have already seen the resistance from your family and friends.  As for spending a lot of money to attend a destination vow renewal?  Forget about it!
    It is not possible to have two weddings.  You get one day.  Married people cannot get married.
    You can have as many parties after your wedding as your wish, but they are not a part of your wedding day.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
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