Bridesmaids are a nightmare!

rrroxanne

Sadly, the hardest part about planning my wedding has been my bridesmaids. I carefully chose my 4 girls who I wanted to have at my wedding. A few of them expected to be chosen, & one of them even practically begged me to be a bridesmaid. This friend who begged to be a bridesmaid, has basically fallen off the earth with a new relationship & has not been there as a friend, or a bridesmaid claiming she's always busy (I think she should at least be able to make time to be a bridesmaid since she asked to be one). Another bridesmaid has missed bridal dress appointments & has also been a terrible friend since I had gotten engaged.

My biggest problem however, is I had asked a high school friend who I remained close with over the years to be a bridesmaid. She lives in Vancouver (& I'm in Edmonton, AB). She was so excited to be asked & said she'd for sure love to come. However, about a month ago, she called me saying she doesn't know if she'd be able to make it for the wedding (and her speech sounded very scripted & practiced), she was having financial difficulties & her boyfriend was expecting her to pay for his flight & she couldn't afford the flight herself, or the dress ... etc. So, I had asked one of my fiance's friends to be a bridesmaid instead, seeing as she has been on my wedding train since day one, even planning wedding dress appointments for me & being an overall delight. However, a few weeks ago, my friend from Vancouver messaged me saying now she thinks she can make it. I had replied saying I had asked someone else, but I'd love it for her to still make it to my wedding. Somehow, she did not understand my text & still thinks she's part of the party. I've avoided her texts & calls playing it off as busy now, & I'm not sure what I should do.

A coworker said to just leave the situation as it is, (since now I apparently have 5 bridesmaids & fiance has 4 groomsmen) & made a good point in case someone else backs out. I've also been super tempted to fire a few bridesmaids also.

Has anyone else out there experienced trouble Bridesmaids & how did you handle it? Did you lose friends over bridesmaids situations? 

Knottie92548810

I've had the same problems. My maid of honor... just on point all the time, I dont have to worry about anything with her and shes planning the shower and bachelorette party, and still has time to calm me down about things I'm stressing about (I have no siblings to help and shes the closest thing I have and has been my best friends since i was basically born).

The other 3 are hot messes though. One is another great friend I went to high school with, but we didnt become friends until after. She's awful at responding to texts, emails and phone calls. She also hasnt picked up her bridesmaid dress yet and the wedding is less than 2 months away and they all need major alterations.

The other 2: one is FI cousin and the other is his best lady friend. I've gotten close to them over the years and I'm happy to have them by my side. But if I send and email or text to all of them (the group of 3) I can only (at best) get a response out of 2 of them. Yesterday, I texted 2 of them and couldnt get a response out of either. Also, FI's cousin hasnt picked up her dress either. 

Sometimes you have flakey bridesmaids. It happens. I've learned to deal with them as individuals and I know how to get them to response if something is super important. And I did get all 4 to go to the bridesmaid dress appt which made the dress picking out super easy. Half hour and we were out of there.

Just learn each ones personality and it shouldnt be an issue.

Jen4948

What exactly does it mean to "make time to be a bridesmaid" ?

The only "duties" bridesmaids have are to acquire the designated outfit, show up in it on time, sober, and in good spirits, walk down the aisle and back, and pose for photos.  Their "duties" do not include attending, hosting, and/or planning parties for the bride, helping her shop or plan for the wedding, or setup or cleanup before or after the wedding.  The only persons whose job it is to plan the wedding are the couple-you and your FI.

So how have your friends been "terrible friends" ? If they haven't always shown excitement over every detail of the wedding or been able to attend wedding-related things for you, bear in mind that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you and your FI.  They're entitled to their own lives.  If they've been dissing your choices, including your decision to get married, then you can speak to them about that, but dropping them from your wedding party would be a friendship-ending move.

Also, have you been a good friend to them since you got engaged?  Have you attended parties for them or otherwise shown interest in what's going on in their lives, or do you try to make every call, email, and get-together about your wedding?  Are any of them coping with illness, recent deaths, bad jobs, difficult family situations, or relationship issues of their own? Do you even know?

I agree with your coworker: leave things alone.  You don't need even sides anyway. And asking someone to be your bridesmaid after someone else stepped down or declined as a replacement for your original choice is very rude.

justsie

rrrizzle said:

Sadly, the hardest part about planning my wedding has been my bridesmaids. I carefully chose my 4 girls who I wanted to have at my wedding. A few of them expected to be chosen, & one of them even practically begged me to be a bridesmaid. This friend who begged to be a bridesmaid, has basically fallen off the earth with a new relationship & has not been there as a friend, or a bridesmaid claiming she's always busy (I think she should at least be able to make time to be a bridesmaid since she asked to be one). Another bridesmaid has missed bridal dress appointments & has also been a terrible friend since I had gotten engaged.

My biggest problem however, is I had asked a high school friend who I remained close with over the years to be a bridesmaid. She lives in Vancouver (& I'm in Edmonton, AB). She was so excited to be asked & said she'd for sure love to come. However, about a month ago, she called me saying she doesn't know if she'd be able to make it for the wedding (and her speech sounded very scripted & practiced), she was having financial difficulties & her boyfriend was expecting her to pay for his flight & she couldn't afford the flight herself, or the dress ... etc. So, I had asked one of my fiance's friends to be a bridesmaid instead, seeing as she has been on my wedding train since day one, even planning wedding dress appointments for me & being an overall delight. However, a few weeks ago, my friend from Vancouver messaged me saying now she thinks she can make it. I had replied saying I had asked someone else, but I'd love it for her to still make it to my wedding. Somehow, she did not understand my text & still thinks she's part of the party. I've avoided her texts & calls playing it off as busy now, & I'm not sure what I should do.

A coworker said to just leave the situation as it is, (since now I apparently have 5 bridesmaids & fiance has 4 groomsmen) & made a good point in case someone else backs out. I've also been super tempted to fire a few bridesmaids also.

Has anyone else out there experienced trouble Bridesmaids & how did you handle it? Did you lose friends over bridesmaids situations? 

Asking someone to no longer be a BM is a friendship ending move. I agree with your coworker, you need to leave this situation behind. Also, agree with PP that there are no requirements to being a BM other than wearing the dress and showing up on time sober enough to participate in your wedding. I bet managing your own expectations of this will do you wonders and help you begin to treat your friends like friends again, and not just wedding pawns. I also wonder, did you ask your BMs individually what they could afford when it came to the dress or did you just tell them which one you wanted them to buy? 

frenchiekin

Knottie92548810 said:

I've had the same problems. My maid of honor... just on point all the time, I dont have to worry about anything with her and shes planning the shower and bachelorette party, and still has time to calm me down about things I'm stressing about (I have no siblings to help and shes the closest thing I have and has been my best friends since i was basically born).

The other 3 are hot messes though. One is another great friend I went to high school with, but we didnt become friends until after. She's awful at responding to texts, emails and phone calls. She also hasnt picked up her bridesmaid dress yet and the wedding is less than 2 months away and they all need major alterations.

The other 2: one is FI cousin and the other is his best lady friend. I've gotten close to them over the years and I'm happy to have them by my side. But if I send and email or text to all of them (the group of 3) I can only (at best) get a response out of 2 of them. Yesterday, I texted 2 of them and couldnt get a response out of either. Also, FI's cousin hasnt picked up her dress either. 

Sometimes you have flakey bridesmaids. It happens. I've learned to deal with them as individuals and I know how to get them to response if something is super important. And I did get all 4 to go to the bridesmaid dress appt which made the dress picking out super easy. Half hour and we were out of there.

Just learn each ones personality and it shouldnt be an issue.

If your bridesmaids are your closest friends, wouldn't you already know their personalities?  Like, really well?  I'm confused.  Friends don't create new personalities when they become bridesmaids.  If they've always been "flaky," they're going to be flaky as a bridesmaid too.

NowIAmSyp

rrrizzle said:

Sadly, the hardest part about planning my wedding has been my bridesmaids. I carefully chose my 4 girls who I wanted to have at my wedding. A few of them expected to be chosen, & one of them even practically begged me to be a bridesmaid. This friend who begged to be a bridesmaid, has basically fallen off the earth with a new relationship & has not been there as a friend, or a bridesmaid claiming she's always busy (I think she should at least be able to make time to be a bridesmaid since she asked to be one). Another bridesmaid has missed bridal dress appointments & has also been a terrible friend since I had gotten engaged.

My biggest problem however, is I had asked a high school friend who I remained close with over the years to be a bridesmaid. She lives in Vancouver (& I'm in Edmonton, AB). She was so excited to be asked & said she'd for sure love to come. However, about a month ago, she called me saying she doesn't know if she'd be able to make it for the wedding (and her speech sounded very scripted & practiced), she was having financial difficulties & her boyfriend was expecting her to pay for his flight & she couldn't afford the flight herself, or the dress ... etc. So, I had asked one of my fiance's friends to be a bridesmaid instead, seeing as she has been on my wedding train since day one, even planning wedding dress appointments for me & being an overall delight. However, a few weeks ago, my friend from Vancouver messaged me saying now she thinks she can make it. I had replied saying I had asked someone else, but I'd love it for her to still make it to my wedding. Somehow, she did not understand my text & still thinks she's part of the party. I've avoided her texts & calls playing it off as busy now, & I'm not sure what I should do.

A coworker said to just leave the situation as it is, (since now I apparently have 5 bridesmaids & fiance has 4 groomsmen) & made a good point in case someone else backs out. I've also been super tempted to fire a few bridesmaids also.

Has anyone else out there experienced trouble Bridesmaids & how did you handle it? Did you lose friends over bridesmaids situations? 

There is so much NO in this post, I don't even know where to begin.  Le sigh.

OP- PP's have it covered.  Just stop.  Have 5 bridesmaids, love them as friends, don't expect anything from them except to show up in their dress, and enjoy your wedding.

climbingsingle

You know, I really don't fucking understand all of these posts. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends. YOU are honoring THEM. It's not the other way around. These are not people you hire to be your slaves. They have no duties. All they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding. That's. It. 

All I've seen all over TK recently is people complaining about their bridesmaids not living up to their standards, or duties or some other fucking nonsense.  And I can't help but think that after these weddings, these brides won't have very many friends left. And rightfully so. 

frenchiekin

climbingwife said:

You know, I really don't fucking understand all of these posts. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends. YOU are honoring THEM. It's not the other way around. These are not people you hire to be your slaves. They have no duties. All they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding. That's. It. 

All I've seen all over TK recently is people complaining about their bridesmaids not living up to their standards, or duties or some other fucking nonsense.  And I can't help but think that after these weddings, these brides won't have very many friends left. And rightfully so. 

Totally agree.  Take the wedding out of it completely - would you EVER treat your best friends this way?  Would you want other people treating your friends this way??  I know I sure as fuck wouldn't.  

NowIAmSyp

climbingwife said:

You know, I really don't fucking understand all of these posts. Your bridesmaids are supposed to be your closest friends. YOU are honoring THEM. It's not the other way around. These are not people you hire to be your slaves. They have no duties. All they need to do is buy a dress and show up at the wedding. That's. It. 

All I've seen all over TK recently is people complaining about their bridesmaids not living up to their standards, or duties or some other fucking nonsense.  And I can't help but think that after these weddings, these brides won't have very many friends left. And rightfully so. 

rrroxanne

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

KittenMittens84

OP you did get exactly what you asked for which was advice. You just don't like the answers you were given which were pretty much all on the same level and not in agreeance with the answer you were looking for.

climbingsingle

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

Jen4948

rrroxanne said:

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

Etiquette does not agree with your opinion.  There are no responsibilities for bridesmaids other than showing up in the designated outfit on time, sober, and in good spirits, going up and down the aisle, and posing for photos.  And it will not confer any additional "responsibilities" on your bridesmaids just because it's your opinion that they should have "responsibilities."

rrroxanne

climbingwife said:

show previous quotes

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

lovegood90

rrroxanne said:

show previous quotes

climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

Well I'm "literally shocked" that there is a grown woman out there who thinks treating her friends like this is okay.

rrroxanne

lovegood90 said:

show previous quotes

rrroxanne said:

climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

Well I'm "literally shocked" that there is a grown woman out there who thinks treating her friends like this is okay.

Thanks for reading anything to help with advice, or supporting anything to do with advice. If anyone would have read my original post asking for advice, I'd be greatly appreciative for help. But everyone here is so quick to jump up someones ass to belittle other people. 

KittenMittens84

rrroxanne said:

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climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

To the first bolded: you are the one sounding like a child. Maybe you should take you ball and go home.

2nd bolded: treating your "friends" like servants because this may have been excepted of you from another wedding is no way you should treat them. They are your friends. If they want to help with things awesome. If not, it's your wedding you deal with your own shit.

rrroxanne

KittenMittens84 said:

show previous quotes

rrroxanne said:

climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

To the first bolded: you are the one sounding like a child. Maybe you should take you ball and go home.

2nd bolded: treating your "friends" like servants because this may have been excepted of you from another wedding is no way you should treat them. They are your friends. If they want to help with things awesome. If not, it's your wedding you deal with your own shit.

I find it hilarious how everyone in this thread is so quick to jump up & say I'm treating my friends as slaves by asking them to show up to a dress appointment to pick out a dress? I'd hate to see what you actually thought a slave was. 

climbingsingle

rrroxanne said:

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climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

I can't stop laughing. This is hilarious. You want your friends to honor you for getting married, and I'm the child? 

Go ahead and treat your friends like shit. Please come back after your wedding to tell us all how that went. 

[Deleted User]

rrroxanne said:

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climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

1. not your thread.  Just because you started it doesn't make it yours.  It's public now.  It belongs to us all.

2. Bridesmaids don't have duties.  When you asked them to be your bridesmaids did you list off everything you expected them to do, or did you just ask them to be your bridesmaids?  Because if you gave them a list of duties and they agreed, then (while this makes you the opposite of a laid back bride) they should fulfill their promise to you.  If, however, you just asked them to be a bridesmaid, then maybe they think like previous posters and erroneously believed that their only duty to you was to buy a dress and show up on your wedding dress and smile for pictures.  You can't blame them for not knowing what you didn't tell them.

3. I agree with your co-worker that you now have 5 bridesmaids.  You do NOT need to have even sides.  In fact, even sides in a bridal party screams 1980s to me.

rrroxanne

climbingwife said:

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rrroxanne said:

climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

I can't stop laughing. This is hilarious. You want your friends to honor you for getting married, and I'm the child? 

Go ahead and treat your friends like shit. Please come back after your wedding to tell us all how that went. 

That's great that you're on a wedding site after you've already been married to offer people advice they don't want? Why are you on here? I don't understand... 

You're that desperate for attention you site on a site for brides-to-be & jump up peoples asses when they have an opinion seperate than yours? 

KittenMittens84

Again you asked for advise (that you don't like the answers of) and got it. I've lurkered around just enough to see who gives good advise which I think climbingwife does. You just don't like the answers you're being given.

rrroxanne

KittenMittens84 said:

Again you asked for advise (that you don't like the answers of) and got it. I've lurkered around just enough to see who gives good advise which I think climbingwife does. You just don't like the answers you're being given.

I don't understand how swearing in a reply & calling people out is good advice? It's not that hard to give advice without swearing, truly, it's not. I'm super confused about this site. Is it a site for advice? Or just a site to criticize & belittle everyone else to make yourself more superior... I had no idea this was reddit? 

Of course I don't like the answers I've been given, because people are jumping up & down calling me out saying I'm using my friends as "Slaves"? WHAT? Is this serious right now? 

NowIamMrsKlein

I have three bridesmaids. One is in another country, and two are in another province. I asked them to go on their own time and pick a bridesmaids dress in X colour. And then I paid for it myself. My bridesmaid in another country wasn't able to get to a store to look at dresses. She showed me a picture of one online that was available in a store near me. I went in, picked up her size and mailed it to her. 

Two of my bridesmaids have babies and therefore will not be able to get ready with me morning of the wedding and will simply show up at ceremony time ready to go. My mother is hosting a shower because my bridesmaids obviously have very busy lifes (that don't revolve around my wedding).

I adore all of my bridesmaids. The only thing they are doing for my wedding is standing up front with me when I marry my FI. Because that is the role of bridesmaid. To bear special witness to the marriage because they are the most important people to you (besides your FI).

After they stand up with me I will thank them further for how much they mean to me buy giving them a special thank you gift that was shopped for like it was their birthday (not wedding day uniform jewellery or photo op clothing. Something meaningful and special).

So yes. I have been in the same situation as you, with my bridesmaids not 'helping' with my wedding, and therefore my advice is the kind of advice you are asking for. My advice is that you need to re-look at what the meaning of a bridesmaid is. And think about why each of those girls was important enough to you to get honoured with that role. Take a moment to think about why each girl is important and special to you. Then think about your wedding day and how it will feel to have these girls standing up next to you at that important moment in your life. That feeling?? Thats what a bridesmaids role is. Nothing else. 

Have a glass of wine and relax. You have some special girls in your life that are special enough to stand up with you. Don't ruin those friendships by being swayed by wedding industry propaganda that makes you think that they have duties. They dont. 

[Deleted User]

rrroxanne said:

show previous quotes

KittenMittens84 said:

rrroxanne said:

climbingwife said:

rrroxanne said:

I decided to ask for any advice, not a bitchy reply... I am literally SHOCKED that I came on to a site to talk to other females in similar situations as I, and am getting nothing but negativity & bashing for asking a question & looking for advice, instead of people jumping off the deep end. I guess what should I expect from the internet. Sigh. I should hope you don't have any friends, since you jump up peoples asses so quickly to tell people off & belittle them for having an opinion.

When I've been a bridesmaid to many of the same friends, there's been a certain expectation. Clearly other people do not have the same expectations or standards. To ask someone to be a bridesmaid, & for them to accept, they should also realize they have a few expectations or responsibility to up hold.  & my friends should be honoring me... it's my special day, just the same as I honored them or will do the same for them when it comes to their special day. A bridesmaid should make your life easier, not more stressful. I honor my friendships, & I honor them. I don't feel as if I'm asking too much from my bridesmaids to show up to events or to commit to coming to my wedding. 

A bridesmaid, in my opinion, should have a few responsibilities. Like showing up to dress appointments. Or not picking fights. I have been very down to earth about everything, such as letting them choose their own dress & price point. All I've asked in return is for my friends to still act like my friend, & for them to take their very few responsibilities seriously. 

I don't know how much more clear I can make this. 

YOUR FUCKING BRIDESMAIDS HAVE NO RESPONSIBILITIES OR DUTIES. They are not there to honor you. Seriously - do you not get how completely selfish and ridiculous that sounds?!?! How old are you?

Most people here are not going to advocate for treating your friends like bridalslaves. You know who should help you plan your wedding? Your FI. 

I'm actually shocked there is people like you on this website. Like, literally shocked. You are a child. I had clearly asked for advice for people who went through something similar. You are just here for the drama. Get off the internet & go see some people or something. I'm so amazed that you are literally this much of a drama queen to start a fight with someone because they have a different opinion than you. YOU ARE NOT A BRIDE EXPERT. EVERYONES SITUATIONS ARE DIFFERENT. I ASKED FOR ADVICE FOR ANYONE WHO WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I CAN EXPECT WHAT I WISH FROM MY BRIDESMAIDS. GET OFF MY THREAD IF YOU HAVE NOTHING NICE TO SAY.

To the first bolded: you are the one sounding like a child. Maybe you should take you ball and go home.

2nd bolded: treating your "friends" like servants because this may have been excepted of you from another wedding is no way you should treat them. They are your friends. If they want to help with things awesome. If not, it's your wedding you deal with your own shit.

I find it hilarious how everyone in this thread is so quick to jump up & say I'm treating my friends as slaves by asking them to show up to a dress appointment to pick out a dress? I'd hate to see what you actually thought a slave was. 

I hate group shopping trips.  I do.  I'm a bigger girl and bridal stores don't carry my size.  So I get to stand there while the size 6 bridesmaid tries on all the dresses and I get to imagine what it will look like on me.  Also, I don't like people all that much.  If my friend asks me to be a bridesmaid, I'll do it because I love my friend, but I don't feel the need to be besties with all the rest of her friends.  So, I'd probably skip the dress appointment.  So, you have a couple options.  You can either ask the girls for their budget and any dealbreakers (i.e. I won't wear anything more than two inches above the knee), pick a dress under the lowest budget, and just have all the girls order it.  Or, you can give all the girls criteria (i.e. Navy dress, length below the knee to floor length) and let them pick things that are mis-matching so they can find something they're comfortable in and within their budget.  Don't get pissed because someone misses a shopping trip.  This is supposed to be FUN!

KittenMittens84

People swear and since this is the internet so if you don't like the answers or the site then just find some place else that will cater to you. Most of the ladies on this site give great advise to try to help people from acting like assholes to their friends.

[Deleted User]

rrroxanne said:

show previous quotes

KittenMittens84 said:

Again you asked for advise (that you don't like the answers of) and got it. I've lurkered around just enough to see who gives good advise which I think climbingwife does. You just don't like the answers you're being given.

I don't understand how swearing in a reply & calling people out is good advice? It's not that hard to give advice without swearing, truly, it's not. I'm super confused about this site. Is it a site for advice? Or just a site to criticize & belittle everyone else to make yourself more superior... I had no idea this was reddit? 

Of course I don't like the answers I've been given, because people are jumping up & down calling me out saying I'm using my friends as "Slaves"? WHAT? Is this serious right now? 

Are you reading any of the other posts, or just the ones that are pissing you off?  Because I think that I and a couple others are giving you good advice, but you seem to only be responding posts that are making you mad.  I mean, if you've changed your mind and don't want our advice anymore, that's fine.  But I'm trying to put some thought into responses that might actually help and you seem to be glossing over some of them.

[Deleted User]

KittenMittens84 said:

People swear and since this is the internet so if you don't like the answers or the site then just find some place else that will cater to you. Most of the ladies on this site give great advise to try to help people from acting like assholes to their friends.

Quoted for fucking truth.

rrroxanne

adk19 said:

show previous quotes

rrroxanne said:

KittenMittens84 said:

Again you asked for advise (that you don't like the answers of) and got it. I've lurkered around just enough to see who gives good advise which I think climbingwife does. You just don't like the answers you're being given.

I don't understand how swearing in a reply & calling people out is good advice? It's not that hard to give advice without swearing, truly, it's not. I'm super confused about this site. Is it a site for advice? Or just a site to criticize & belittle everyone else to make yourself more superior... I had no idea this was reddit? 

Of course I don't like the answers I've been given, because people are jumping up & down calling me out saying I'm using my friends as "Slaves"? WHAT? Is this serious right now? 

Are you reading any of the other posts, or just the ones that are pissing you off?  Because I think that I and a couple others are giving you good advice, but you seem to only be responding posts that are making you mad.  I mean, if you've changed your mind and don't want our advice anymore, that's fine.  But I'm trying to put some thought into responses that might actually help and you seem to be glossing over some of them.

Thanks, I am reading the other posts as well, & I appreciate all the posts (for the ones that aren't jumping up and down). I appreciate the posts as well that are saying things that I don't necessarily want to hear, & I am taking them all into consideration. I appreciate that people are taking the time to reply, without being an asshole.

TrixieJess

rrroxanne said:

Sadly, the hardest part about planning my wedding has been my bridesmaids. I carefully chose my 4 girls who I wanted to have at my wedding. A few of them expected to be chosen, & one of them even practically begged me to be a bridesmaid. This friend who begged to be a bridesmaid, has basically fallen off the earth with a new relationship & has not been there as a friend, or a bridesmaid claiming she's always busy (I think she should at least be able to make time to be a bridesmaid since she asked to be one). Another bridesmaid has missed bridal dress appointments & has also been a terrible friend since I had gotten engaged.

My biggest problem however, is I had asked a high school friend who I remained close with over the years to be a bridesmaid. She lives in Vancouver (& I'm in Edmonton, AB). She was so excited to be asked & said she'd for sure love to come. However, about a month ago, she called me saying she doesn't know if she'd be able to make it for the wedding (and her speech sounded very scripted & practiced), she was having financial difficulties & her boyfriend was expecting her to pay for his flight & she couldn't afford the flight herself, or the dress ... etc. So, I had asked one of my fiance's friends to be a bridesmaid instead, seeing as she has been on my wedding train since day one, even planning wedding dress appointments for me & being an overall delight. However, a few weeks ago, my friend from Vancouver messaged me saying now she thinks she can make it. I had replied saying I had asked someone else, but I'd love it for her to still make it to my wedding. Somehow, she did not understand my text & still thinks she's part of the party. I've avoided her texts & calls playing it off as busy now, & I'm not sure what I should do.

A coworker said to just leave the situation as it is, (since now I apparently have 5 bridesmaids & fiance has 4 groomsmen) & made a good point in case someone else backs out. I've also been super tempted to fire a few bridesmaids also.

Has anyone else out there experienced trouble Bridesmaids & how did you handle it? Did you lose friends over bridesmaids situations? 

 

1) Bridesmaids Duties: Show up, on time, relatively sober, in a pretty dress, in good spirits, ready to stand beside you

2) refer to #1

That's it. If they OFFER to throw you a party, you can decide to accept. If they OFFER to assist you with something to do with the wedding, you can accept. You cannot: ask, cajole, demand, enjoin or otherwise request that your bridesmaids DO anything for you other than the above.

PS Look Ma, no fucking swearing

NowIAmSyp

it's the Speshul Snowflake trifecta!!

- some problem that involves something against etiquette

- YOU DON'T KNOW MY LYFE

- You're all mean

Ding ding ding ding!   

In all seriousness, OP- it's nothing against you personally...  we don't know you.  We have nothing invested in your wedding other than trying to help you pull off the best day possible while treating your guests with fantastic etiquette.  We're trying to point out what's wrong with what you're thinking, so you don't do anything you'll regret.

Lurk around a bit, have some wine, and enjoy the boards