Do we have to send thank you cards to people who didn't give us a gift?

meganmackeigan

We had a surprising number of guests that simply didn't give us anything. 

Do we send them a thank you card? 

I'm having a hard time wanting to write them a card after we paid a ton of money to feed them and have an open bar and they didn't even give us something small! Literally nothing... is that rude?

In everyone else's card I wrote about what they got us and how we would use it - how grateful we were, etc. What do I say in a thank you card to someone who didn't get us anything?

Thanks!

novella1186

meganmackeigan said:

We had a surprising number of guests that simply didn't give us anything. 

Do we send them a thank you card? 

I'm having a hard time wanting to write them a card after we paid a ton of money to feed them and have an open bar and they didn't even give us something small! Literally nothing... is that rude?

In everyone else's card I wrote about what they got us and how we would use it - how grateful we were, etc. What do I say in a thank you card to someone who didn't get us anything?

Thanks!

It's totally fine that people didn't give you a gift. They're not required to and you should not have expected them to. 

And no, you do not write a thank-you card to people who did not give a gift. 

Jen4948

meganmackeigan said:

We had a surprising number of guests that simply didn't give us anything. 

Do we send them a thank you card? 

I'm having a hard time wanting to write them a card after we paid a ton of money to feed them and have an open bar and they didn't even give us something small! Literally nothing... is that rude?

In everyone else's card I wrote about what they got us and how we would use it - how grateful we were, etc. What do I say in a thank you card to someone who didn't get us anything?

Thanks!

Stuck in box

No, you only send thank-you notes to guests who gave you gifts. 

The reception is for all the guests, including those who don't give you gifts.  But you had no right to expect gifts from any of your guests.  Believe it or not, it's optional on the guests' part to give you gifts regardless of how much you spent to feed them, even though it's strongly encouraged. 

But the bolded suggests that you expected gifts as "reimbursement" for how much you spent to entertain your guests, and that comes off as rude and greedy.

meganmackeigan

I would NEVER go to a wedding without taking a gift! Even if I was invited and I couldn't go, I would send a gift! That seems strange to me...

Jen4948

meganmackeigan said:

I would NEVER go to a wedding without taking a gift! Even if I was invited and I couldn't go, I would send a gift! That seems strange to me...

That's certainly your choice. But no one else is required to make the same choice.

It's not gracious to come off as "expecting" your guests to give you gifts-especially to "cover their plates." You made the choice to invite them and feed them. They don't owe you anything in exchange for that except their good spirits.

JerseyBeachGal22

Is it possible the gift hasn't arrived yet or got lost in the shuffle? 

FI was in a wedding last year and spent lots of money attending two bachelor parties (one of them halfway across the country), a hotel room for us the night of the wedding, pricey tux, etc. We opted to give a different type of gift since they made it clear they didn't "need" money or physical gifts and instead we had an expensive bottle of champs and snacks waiting in their hotel room in Rome on their honeymoon, which they told us they very much appreciated after their long flight (and i'm now realizing they never sent a thank you, ha!). Maybe your guests are waiting to do something of the sort as well? There is always the 'Emily Post' etiquette of invited guests having one year post-wedding to send a gift. Regardless, no thank you needed if you have not received a gift.

kvruns

agree with others on the no note if they didn't give anything. We were married 4 weeks ago and have received 4 gifts since then (3 from people who attended).

We had a small wedding so when we were making the list I can pretty easily list out who we didn't receive anything from. To be honest I was afraid that the cards got lost/misplaced since they are people I would assume would give something. Maybe they are sending something later, maybe they opted not to give anything at all - all of those scenarios are ok. If we receive something later I will send a thank you card, if not, no biggie.

I've forgotten to give my gift before, either left it at home or left it in the car and then took forever to finally get it to the person. We didn't register so we received cards from almost all and it would be easy to forget. I will say part of me is still worried about the fact that something could be lost and I wont know unless someone mentions a check not being cashed.

redheadbride15

kvruns said:

agree with others on the no note if they didn't give anything. We were married 4 weeks ago and have received 4 gifts since then (3 from people who attended).

We had a small wedding so when we were making the list I can pretty easily list out who we didn't receive anything from. To be honest I was afraid that the cards got lost/misplaced since they are people I would assume would give something. Maybe they are sending something later, maybe they opted not to give anything at all - all of those scenarios are ok. If we receive something later I will send a thank you card, if not, no biggie.

I've forgotten to give my gift before, either left it at home or left it in the car and then took forever to finally get it to the person. We didn't register so we received cards from almost all and it would be easy to forget. I will say part of me is still worried about the fact that something could be lost and I wont know unless someone mentions a check not being cashed.

Yeah, I kinda have the same fears. We were also married 4 weeks ago and we haven't received a gift from about a third of our guests. Some of these surprise me because they're people who I would have expected would be gift-giving types so I worry that an envelope got lost or stolen or something. Others are like my space-case younger brother who mentioned like 3 times that he's "gonna get something soon" but I know full-well that he won't, or my 20 year-old niece who spent every spare dime she had on gas just to drive to the wedding. But at the end of the day I know I can only sit back and see what happens because, as all the PPs have pointed out, you can't "expect" anything from your guests.

[Deleted User]

Jen4948 said:

I would NEVER go to a wedding without taking a gift! Even if I was invited and I couldn't go, I would send a gift! That seems strange to me...

That's certainly your choice. But no one else is required to make the same choice. It's not gracious to come off as "expecting" your guests to give you gifts-especially to "cover their plates." You made the choice to invite them and feed them. They don't owe you anything in exchange for that except their good spirits.

To the bolded:  took the words right from my head...

And you are feeding them because the reception is a thank you party to your guests for coming.  Since that and your greeting / thanking of each guest IS the thank you, no need to send a card.

So, we've established that a reception is just a party; right?  When you host any other kind of party are you expecting gifts?  If you are, you're doing it wrong.  A wedding reception is no exception- at the end of the day it's still a party.

If you look up the words "gift" and "present" neither definition includes "in payment of," "expectation," "requirement," etc. 

MyNameIsNot

You only need a thank you note for gifts. 

Your attitude is gross. It's possible that people didn't give gifts because they picked up on your attitude. 

IrishPirate60

OP, @meganmackeigan, you may want to change your username. Ridiculously easy to find you online.

AddieCake

I wouldn't go to a wedding without a gift, either, but we had several people who didn't give us gifts. Just because you wouldn't do it doesn't mean the world has to follow suit.

No, you don't need to send thank you cards to people who didn't give you gifts, but your attitude about them needs to change, or were you planning to just cut these people out of your life for this crime they committed against you?

scoetto

Was your wedding out of town for any of your guests? Were any of the presents "not received" from people in your bridal party? Sometimes the expense to attend a wedding far outweighs the expense of a gift. Being there should have been a gift enough.

annakay511

You only need a thank you for gifts. If you feel like you want to send a thank you anyway, you can simply thank them for attending your wedding and celebrating with you.

JoanE2012

annakay511 said:

You only need a thank you for gifts. If you feel like you want to send a thank you anyway, you can simply thank them for attending your wedding and celebrating with you.

No, you don't a thank you for attending.  The reception is the thank you for attending the wedding ceremony. 

OP - I also strongly suggest you change your user name to NOT be your real name.  Internet safety and all, ya know?

JCbride2015

PPs are correct on both counts:

1) You don't send a card just for attending.  Ideally you spoke to them in person and thanked them for attending.  The card is only for the gift.

2) Your attitude is gross.  Your guests don't owe you a gift.  You don't know anybody else's financial situation.  Hopefully you invited them because you love them and wanted them to be part of your celebration, not in expectation of a gift.

BrinkyDink16

Are you serious?  You only send a thank you card if someone gives you a gift?  That just seems so contradictory to me.  

I'm sending a thank you to everyone who comes to my wedding regardless of whether or not they show up with a gift.  I'm thanking them for coming and joining in our day and celebrating our union.  The thought of only sending a card if they brought us a gift just feels wrong all over.

So OP, I would say send them a card that says "Thank you so much for joining in our special day.  It meant so much that you could be there with us.  It was great to see you and celebrate with you."  Or something along those lines.

AddieCake

BrinkyDink16 said:

Are you serious?  You only send a thank you card if someone gives you a gift?  That just seems so contradictory to me.  

I'm sending a thank you to everyone who comes to my wedding regardless of whether or not they show up with a gift.  I'm thanking them for coming and joining in our day and celebrating our union.  The thought of only sending a card if they brought us a gift just feels wrong all over.

So OP, I would say send them a card that says "Thank you so much for joining in our special day.  It meant so much that you could be there with us.  It was great to see you and celebrate with you."  Or something along those lines.

So do you send thank you cards whenever someone comes to anything you host?

banana468

AddieCake said:

BrinkyDink16 said:

Are you serious?  You only send a thank you card if someone gives you a gift?  That just seems so contradictory to me.  

I'm sending a thank you to everyone who comes to my wedding regardless of whether or not they show up with a gift.  I'm thanking them for coming and joining in our day and celebrating our union.  The thought of only sending a card if they brought us a gift just feels wrong all over.

So OP, I would say send them a card that says "Thank you so much for joining in our special day.  It meant so much that you could be there with us.  It was great to see you and celebrate with you."  Or something along those lines.

So do you send thank you cards whenever someone comes to anything you host?

This.   If you're acting as a good hostess then you're showing thanks to your guests by showing them a good time, offering them food and beverages at no cost (they shouldn't have to pay for anything available), and making sure to spend some time with them.

If you are having a destination wedding or one difficult to get to I might see the point in a TY note just for attending but technically they're totally unnecessary.   Old school etiquette fans actually know that they're supposed to send a TY note to the hosts after the event - not the other way around.