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nsho4nsho4
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  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    edited June 2015

    You do not need to give gifts to people whom you are not asking to be in a wedding party for you. 

    There's no reason why you can't give your close friends gifts, but if you do, I would not connect the gifts to your wedding.  It comes off too much as a "consolation prize" for not being selected for the wedding party (even though there isn't one), and that could make people feel uncomfortable.

    CMGragain
  • adk19. I don't think it's a good idea to make a big deal about not asking people to be your WP. Just leave it alone. And as she said, if they end up asking you about it, you can just say you've opted not to have a WP. 

    And don't host your own shower or bach party. 
    image
    adk19nsho4STARMOON44
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
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    As soon as I started reading about the letter you wanted to send to each friend, I started shaking my head.  DON'T DO IT!  It is very rude to point out to someone something they are not, in this case, a WP member.  If at some point, someone asks you about a WP, just say you are not having one with not explanation.   "FI and I have decided to not have a WP".  I would also forego the gifts as they seem like consolation prizes.

    Also, it is rude to throw a party in your own honor, which is what a shower and b-party is.  The BBQ & bus to the baseball game sounds fun!  Just don't make it about your wedding.  Just have it be that casual get together that a BBQ and baseball game usually are.  Cancel all the plans you've made for a shower.  It is the epitome of gift grabby to host a shower for yourself, as a shower is a gift giving occasion.

    adk19nsho4CMGragainPrettyGirlLost
  • jacques27jacques27
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments 5 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    If you want to show me that I am a person whose friendship you honor - spend time with me, don't buy me a cheap plastic (hopefully not personalized) cup. 

    Not having a wedding party is a perfectly valid life choice that still allows you to legally get married.  These people aren't sitting on the edge of their chair putting their life on hold to find out whether they get to be in your wedding and defining their friendship by it.  If anyone asks about a wedding party, just say "We opted not to have one since we're keeping it so casual."  No biggie.  No one is going to go "That B**** isn't having a wedding party just to spite me and she doesn't value our friendship."  You don't need to pre-emptively tell people why they aren't in your wedding and give them trinkets and a consolation plastic cup that matches nothing in their kitchen.

    Short Version: Yeah, I think the cup plan is weird.

    And also, you don't plan your own pre-wedding parties.  That's tacky.
    nsho4
  • nsho4nsho4
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    edited July 2015
  • nsho4nsho4
    10 Comments First Anniversary
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    edited July 2015
  • adk19adk19
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    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    Jen4948nsho4
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    adk19 said:
    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    This exactly.  @adk19, I think we're thinking with the same brain today!
  • adk19adk19
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
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    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    This exactly.  @adk19, I think we're thinking with the same brain today!
    You getting beer after work too, Jen?  I'm thinking a locally brewed IPA, yes?  
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    member
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    This exactly.  @adk19, I think we're thinking with the same brain today!
    You getting beer after work too, Jen?  I'm thinking a locally brewed IPA, yes?  
    That'd be cool!
  • adk19adk19
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    This exactly.  @adk19, I think we're thinking with the same brain today!
    You getting beer after work too, Jen?  I'm thinking a locally brewed IPA, yes?  
    That'd be cool!
    Just want to make sure you're okay with it since we're sharing a brain today.  I wouldn't want to get boozy when you're trying to study for a big test or something.  ;-)
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
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    member
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    Jen4948 said:
    adk19 said:
    nsho4 said:
    Your responses are the exact opposite thing I want to make anyone feel, especially our besties. Thank you for sharing.

    I don't even want gifts... I know people say that but I am 100% serious. I'm overwhelmed by clutter and the expectations of gift giving/receiving and I don't want to put anyone in that obligation/spot. I guess I don't know how to appease others within reason, by having these events, and not go against my strong feelings of NOT being showered with gifts we don't need (read: overconsumption and a focus on the, IMO, wrong things in the world) and give attention for being fortunate to be in love, as if I worked hard for it (I already feel lucky, why would others spend time celebrating it... with multiple parties... - feels selfish on my end).

    My aunts have asked to throw the "wedding shower" for us, so maybe we will suck it up and let them pay to do it. I HATE having people spend money on us when we don't need anything. It makes me uneasy accepting gifts or money from people, but also hate dealing with the flack of not "allowing them" to do it. It feels like a lose lose :( While still being a win-win when it comes down to it, of course, since it's all coming from a place of love.

    I appreciate the perspective of over-inflating the importance of a WP and highlighting what people are NOT. That makes sense. One of my girl friends has told me a few times over the years that years she can't wait for me to get married so she can finally be a MOH. Another said a couple years ago that she's excited to be in our wedding. Other people have said that, too. I guess it is them at fault for assuming and I don't need to counter that with responding in the form of a "would be party" gesture. I'm just trying to be nice and not so cut and dry when feelings are involved and people generally appreciate a little extra explanation or acknowledgment. 

    I'm trying desperately to concede and even have these events because I've received so many "how rude!" responses when I said I wanted to do a courthouse and out to dinner/small, quick thing. I know our families view it as a really important event for, like, the union of two sets of families and friends together in one room. Official.

    I know you say the friends aren't going to say, "That B isn't having a party just to spite me!" but it almost feels that way from family. It's very important to both of our families to have a big event and I've actually been yelled at when I tried to decline my family buying me things. They are verbally disappointed that I don't have crafts for them to do (we aren't doing any wall or DIY decorations, just simple candles on the tables) and that I'm making decisions quickly without consulting 5 people to ask their opinion on things like, maroon or burgandy table clothes (don't care). I guess I'm too independent and practical to a fault :(

    Ugh... I thought it would be easy to have a "Celebration of our union" party, informal food/eat whenever, good band and drinks, with a quick ceremony in the middle while family is all there. It's turning into a game of walking fine lines to not offend anyone. Any advice is greatly appreciated!!!

    If you don't want "stuff", don't have a shower.  If your aunts really want to throw something, let them throw a dinner or a luncheon or a tea.  But if you have the word "shower," you will be getting gifts and the point of the party will be for people to watch you open those gifts.  It's awesome that people are happy for you.  Let them invite some of your closest friends, those men and women who "would be" your bridal party, some of your close family, some of your FI's close friends and family, and have lunch, or pizza and beer, or pasta and wine, or go play laser tag.  "Hey aunt!  It's so awesome of you to want to host a shower for me and FI.  I'm trying to make do with less "stuff", so while I'd love to get together with people, I'd rather it be called a Lunch rather than a Shower.  Does that seem like something you'd be willing to host?  Great!  How many people can you host?  I'd love to give you a guest list after I come up with some folks and obtain their addresses.  You're the best, aunt!"
    This exactly.  @adk19, I think we're thinking with the same brain today!
    You getting beer after work too, Jen?  I'm thinking a locally brewed IPA, yes?  
    That'd be cool!
    Just want to make sure you're okay with it since we're sharing a brain today.  I wouldn't want to get boozy when you're trying to study for a big test or something.  ;-)
    Does doing tax returns count? ;-D
  • Hello! It sounds like you're getting a lot of flak for this idea. I completely understand where you're coming from. I recently became engaged and was wondering similar things. I have a few friends who have mentioned a number of times that they can't wait to be in our wedding party (it was more casual than it sounds) and I have a few that would be really upset to not be included. 

    That being said I do see where they other commenters are coming from, it might seem like a consolation prize. I think it's a nice thought, but maybe just maybe a bit too much. I was considering having just one person with me, and my fiance would have just one, and when we sit down for dinner having our table be all our closest friends. We're doing no head table and just four long tables of forty.  I'm not saying this would necessarily work for your set up, but may give you ideas of how to recognize your friends without having them in the wedding party. I also considered no people standing with us at all but my fiancee really wants his brother up there (totally understandable) so I'm just picking one friend for some balance. 

    Good luck!



    nsho4
  • adk19adk19
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    caroelie said:
    Hello! It sounds like you're getting a lot of flak for this idea. I completely understand where you're coming from. I recently became engaged and was wondering similar things. I have a few friends who have mentioned a number of times that they can't wait to be in our wedding party (it was more casual than it sounds) and I have a few that would be really upset to not be included. 

    That being said I do see where they other commenters are coming from, it might seem like a consolation prize. I think it's a nice thought, but maybe just maybe a bit too much. I was considering having just one person with me, and my fiance would have just one, and when we sit down for dinner having our table be all our closest friends. We're doing no head table and just four long tables of forty.  I'm not saying this would necessarily work for your set up, but may give you ideas of how to recognize your friends without having them in the wedding party. I also considered no people standing with us at all but my fiancee really wants his brother up there (totally understandable) so I'm just picking one friend for some balance. 

    Good luck!



    You don't NEED to balance, BTW.  If you want zero, one, or sixteen people standing next to you, it has nothing to do with how many people he chooses.  Just sayin.
    OliveOilsMomlc07
  • caroelie said:
    Hello! It sounds like you're getting a lot of flak for this idea. I completely understand where you're coming from. I recently became engaged and was wondering similar things. I have a few friends who have mentioned a number of times that they can't wait to be in our wedding party (it was more casual than it sounds) and I have a few that would be really upset to not be included. 

    That being said I do see where they other commenters are coming from, it might seem like a consolation prize. I think it's a nice thought, but maybe just maybe a bit too much. I was considering having just one person with me, and my fiance would have just one, and when we sit down for dinner having our table be all our closest friends. We're doing no head table and just four long tables of forty.  I'm not saying this would necessarily work for your set up, but may give you ideas of how to recognize your friends without having them in the wedding party. I also considered no people standing with us at all but my fiancee really wants his brother up there (totally understandable) so I'm just picking one friend for some balance. 

    Good luck!



    Sorry to tell you this, but you have some rude friends.  It is very presumptive to expect to be in anyone's wedding party.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • There's no real reason to give your friends gifts that I can see, so I'd say no. 

    If you're doing just a super casual thing, just invite them to the wedding. If anyone asks you who's in your wedding party, just say you've chosen not to have a wedding party, pretty straight forward!
    caroelie
  • caroeliecaroelie
    Second Anniversary Name Dropper First Comment
    member
    edited July 2015
    @CMGragain I don't think it's rude at all for friends who you've been through a lot with to assume they would be in your wedding party, or at least considered. Like I said, it was more casual than that and there was always context around it. My friends shouldn't be the focus here though, we're here to be supportive and offer advice to @nsho4

    @adk19 I know we don't need to balance, and I've seen many weddings where the parties are not balanced and a few where there was no wedding party at all, I just liked the idea. And the person I chose has been my closest friend since childhood so it's an easy decision. Fair point though. 

    Update us on what you choose to do @nsho4, I'm curious to know. And enjoy the time celebrating. 
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    nsho4 said:
    delete account
    This isn't how you ask for your account to be deleted.  PM one of the Knot Gods.



    lc07
  • OP, since I was once a newb, let me bestow upon you some knowledge.

    It's considered rude to delete your OP and/or comments.  Also pointless b/c you were quoted so they are here FOREVER.  You may want to slink away and forget this thread ever happened, which you could have if you had just...done so.  But by deleting it you put up a "bat signal" that is going to draw WAY more attention to your post.  Besides, you got some really good advice!  No one was mean to you, or rude, or gave you "flak".  People took time out of their day to respond to you in a clear way.  

    I can't gif w/this computer.  Anyone with a bat signal?  I like the peeing one.  Kthx.  
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