to tell or not to tell?

[Deleted User]

So with today's amazing ruling I am finally seeing my fiance's family's opinions on gay marriage rights.  Luckily most are for equality or have no outward opinions, however my future SIL and especially her husband are very opposed to it.  Her husband is apparently very homophobic and doesn't want to spend any time with gay people.  They also have 2 young sons so they're extra protective.

So my question is- My best friend is gay and is going to marry me and fiance.  We are having a destination wedding so it will be 3-4 days of everyone mingling together.  The wedding is pretty small too.  I'm worried about my SIL and her husband.  I feel like I should "warn" them that my best friend is not only going to be there but is a huge part of the wedding.  My fiance isn't a fan of his sister or his BIL so he says its none of their business and we shouldn't tell them anything.  I agree that it's none of their business, but I'm worried about their reaction if they were to "find out" that weekend.  I want to protect my best friend.  homophobia is NOT okay at my wedding and I feel that people act better when they are prepared. 

So what do you guys think?  Let them know beforehand?  Or hope for the best?  Should I be the one to tell her? (we aren't THAT close) or should I tell his mom (I'm closer to his mom) and have her tell her?    

TrixieJess

Knottie95884654 said:

So with today's amazing ruling I am finally seeing my fiance's family's opinions on gay marriage rights.  Luckily most are for equality or have no outward opinions, however my future SIL and especially her husband are very opposed to it.  Her husband is apparently very homophobic and doesn't want to spend any time with gay people.  They also have 2 young sons so they're extra protective.

So my question is- My best friend is gay and is going to marry me and fiance.  We are having a destination wedding so it will be 3-4 days of everyone mingling together.  The wedding is pretty small too.  I'm worried about my SIL and her husband.  I feel like I should "warn" them that my best friend is not only going to be there but is a huge part of the wedding.  My fiance isn't a fan of his sister or his BIL so he says its none of their business and we shouldn't tell them anything.  I agree that it's none of their business, but I'm worried about their reaction if they were to "find out" that weekend.  I want to protect my best friend.  homophobia is NOT okay at my wedding and I feel that people act better when they are prepared. 

So what do you guys think?  Let them know beforehand?  Or hope for the best?  Should I be the one to tell her? (we aren't THAT close) or should I tell his mom (I'm closer to his mom) and have her tell her?    

It's none of your brother and your SIL's business who your best friend is sleeping with unless they are required to share a room. 

Their bigotry is not your problem. 

Repeat after me: not my monkeys, not my circus. Rinse, repeat. 

[Deleted User]

TrixieJess said:

It's none of your brother and your SIL's business who your best friend is sleeping with unless they are required to share a room. 

Their bigotry is not your problem. 

Repeat after me: not my monkeys, not my circus. Rinse, repeat. 

I get what you're saying and it makes sense.  However- I feel like they ARE my monkeys-  I'm marrying into the family.  and it is my circus-  its my wedding.  If I know there is a chance of them acting badly, wouldn't it be my responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen?  

blueeyedkat

Why even invite them? Does your fiance even want them there? If they'll be full of hate, who wants that around at a celebration celebrating a couple's love?

TrixieJess

Knottie95884654 said:

TrixieJess said:

It's none of your brother and your SIL's business who your best friend is sleeping with unless they are required to share a room. 

Their bigotry is not your problem. 

Repeat after me: not my monkeys, not my circus. Rinse, repeat. 

I get what you're saying and it makes sense.  However- I feel like they ARE my monkeys-  I'm marrying into the family.  and it is my circus-  its my wedding.  If I know there is a chance of them acting badly, wouldn't it be my responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen?  

Nope, give your friend a heads up. You cannot control another person's behaviour. If you are so concerned, don't invite them. Family is not always blood and boundaries are your friend.

TheCheeseWench

Oy. While I normally subscribe to the NMMNMC attitude, you are right. These monkeys could potentially fling plenty of proverbial poo all over your happy circus. In the interest of preventing drama and assholiness directed at your BFF, I like the Mother idea. I am assuming her head is located on the outside of her sphincter? If she shares their sentiments it changes things, but someone needs to warn the caveman couple that there will be some evils gays there, and while they don't have to wear rainbows to the ceremony, disrespect of your wedding or your friends will not be tolerated. If they can't play nice, they may need to consider playing elsewhere that weekend.

OliveOilsMom

Knottie95884654 said:

TrixieJess said:

It's none of your brother and your SIL's business who your best friend is sleeping with unless they are required to share a room. 

Their bigotry is not your problem. 

Repeat after me: not my monkeys, not my circus. Rinse, repeat. 

I get what you're saying and it makes sense.  However- I feel like they ARE my monkeys-  I'm marrying into the family.  and it is my circus-  its my wedding.  If I know there is a chance of them acting badly, wouldn't it be my responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen?  

No.  If your SIL and her H can't act like adults just because, gasp, there is a gay person on vacation that is their problem to deal with, not yours.  If anything, I would warn your BFF that SIL's H is homophobic, but tell your friend you stand with your friend and to let you know if anything happens with him as you will not tolerate it.  And if you hear anything come out of SIL's H's mouth at your wedding, you should ask him to leave.  Deal with it, if and only if, something happens.

frenchiekin

TrixieJess said:

Knottie95884654 said:

TrixieJess said:

It's none of your brother and your SIL's business who your best friend is sleeping with unless they are required to share a room. 

Their bigotry is not your problem. 

Repeat after me: not my monkeys, not my circus. Rinse, repeat. 

I get what you're saying and it makes sense.  However- I feel like they ARE my monkeys-  I'm marrying into the family.  and it is my circus-  its my wedding.  If I know there is a chance of them acting badly, wouldn't it be my responsibility to make sure it doesn't happen?  

Nope, give your friend a heads up. You cannot control another person's behaviour. If you are so concerned, don't invite them. Family is not always blood and boundaries are your friend.

This.  I would be more inclined to give my BFF a heads up rather than SIL/BIL.  I don't know if that's necessarily the best thing to do, but I would echo PP's thoughts that it's none of your FSIL/BIL's business who your friend is sleeping with/dating.  I don't think they need to be given the "courtesy" of a heads up.  If this were me I would also lean heavily towards not inviting them (hell, I wouldn't even speak to them if she was my sister), but of course it isn't always black and white.  Does your FI want them at the wedding?  Is it worth not inviting them?

mrscomposer

Knottie95884654 said:

So with today's amazing ruling I am finally seeing my fiance's family's opinions on gay marriage rights.  Luckily most are for equality or have no outward opinions, however my future SIL and especially her husband are very opposed to it.  Her husband is apparently very homophobic and doesn't want to spend any time with gay people.  They also have 2 young sons so they're extra protective.

So my question is- My best friend is gay and is going to marry me and fiance.  We are having a destination wedding so it will be 3-4 days of everyone mingling together.  The wedding is pretty small too.  I'm worried about my SIL and her husband.  I feel like I should "warn" them that my best friend is not only going to be there but is a huge part of the wedding.  My fiance isn't a fan of his sister or his BIL so he says its none of their business and we shouldn't tell them anything.  I agree that it's none of their business, but I'm worried about their reaction if they were to "find out" that weekend.  I want to protect my best friend.  homophobia is NOT okay at my wedding and I feel that people act better when they are prepared. 

So what do you guys think?  Let them know beforehand?  Or hope for the best?  Should I be the one to tell her? (we aren't THAT close) or should I tell his mom (I'm closer to his mom) and have her tell her?    

Nope - I'd tell your friend, not your ILs - he's the one who might potentially need to watch out.  If your FMIL is a decent human being, then I'd mention it to her just to see what her opinion is.

[Deleted User]

OliveOilsMom said:

No.  If your SIL and her H can't act like adults just because, gasp, there is a gay person on vacation that is their problem to deal with, not yours.  If anything, I would warn your BFF that SIL's H is homophobic, but tell your friend you stand with your friend and to let you know if anything happens with him as you will not tolerate it.  And if you hear anything come out of SIL's H's mouth at your wedding, you should ask him to leave.  Deal with it, if and only if, something happens.

That's a good point.  I guess I didn't want to tell my friend because I didn't want HIM to feel uncomfortable.  But PP's are right.  I shouldn't coddle homophobes to have a peaceful wedding.  if they choose to spew hate, they can leave.

frenchiekin

Knottie95884654 said:

OliveOilsMom said:

No.  If your SIL and her H can't act like adults just because, gasp, there is a gay person on vacation that is their problem to deal with, not yours.  If anything, I would warn your BFF that SIL's H is homophobic, but tell your friend you stand with your friend and to let you know if anything happens with him as you will not tolerate it.  And if you hear anything come out of SIL's H's mouth at your wedding, you should ask him to leave.  Deal with it, if and only if, something happens.

That's a good point.  I guess I didn't want to tell my friend because I didn't want HIM to feel uncomfortable.  But PP's are right.  I shouldn't coddle homophobes to have a peaceful wedding.  if they choose to spew hate, they can leave.

QFT.  I like you, OP.

TheCheeseWench

"if they choose to spew hate, they can leave"

^^^^ I totally agree with this, EXCEPT that this is a DW. I just fear that since you all will be OOT, suggesting that they leave after traveling there will NOT be a peaceful ordeal. You'll be "the jerks who sent us away after we spent time and $$$ blah blah blah" and even though it may be crap, that is a scenario that may be easier prevented rather than dealt with after. I totally agree with not coddling them, the heads up is not a warning for their comfort, it is a warning that their strong opinions need to be left at the door for the comfort of all. If they don't like it, too damn bad.

[Deleted User]

Not inviting them would be too much.  I wouldn't mind having a conversation about it with her.  maybe give her an early out if her homophobia is more important than her own brother's wedding.    Im from Hawaii and my circle of friends/family are more open minded so I have NO idea how to deal with people who don't share my opinions- especially to this degree (small town GA). 

I guess my real question is- is there a polite way to say, behave or don't come?

kaos16

By warning someone that your friend is gay I feel like you are giving the impression that there is something wrong with your friend.  This is most certainly not the case.  It sounds like your friend is a lovely person.  You need to warn him about your future inlaws, because there is certainly something wrong with them if they are such biggots that they can't spend a weekend with a gay couple.  That's absurd!!!

TrixieJess

Knottie95884654 said:

Not inviting them would be too much.  I wouldn't mind having a conversation about it with her.  maybe give her an early out if her homophobia is more important than her own brother's wedding.    Im from Hawaii and my circle of friends/family are more open minded so I have NO idea how to deal with people who don't share my opinions- especially to this degree (small town GA). 

I guess my real question is- is there a polite way to say, behave or don't come?

Probably, but I wouldn't . I would be blunt and to the point. Tell her that her behaviour on your wedding day will be civil and if it cannot be that you will be sorry that she will be unable to attend her brother's wedding and she will be missed. Also tell her that if she says one thing to you or any of your guests that you find even slightly offensive, you will have her removed bodily from the premises. 

Then I would walk away. However, if this is your FI's sister. He should be dealing with her and talking to her. You should stay completely out of it. He needs to be the one to tell her that she can come and keep her mouth shut and her "beliefs" to herself.

TheCheeseWench

That is perhaps why a convo with FMIL might be helpful. She might be able to help deliver the message in a diplomatic yet clear manner. She knows (Hell, raised) one of these charmers. I am sure she as much as anyone would prefer NOT to see one of her children threaten the happiness at the wedding of another. Maybe your FI can help?

I am trying to figure out how to explain to Fi's (religious) family that one of my BFFs (non-religious and a woman) will be officiating ours in a likely non-religious manner. They wanted us to drag their Baptist minister down to TX, and we attempted to compromise by asking both FFIL and FBIL to do the ceremony. They both declined (FFIL turned FBIL down 10 years ago and now doesn't want to offend him & FSIL, & FBIL doesn't feel that he is "spiritually qualified". I'm sure they'll love the qualifications of my snarky beer brewing buddy. I feel lucky compared to your sitch! :-0 Best of luck!!!

[Deleted User]

I have an aunt that I probably won't be inviting to my wedding.  If asked why, I'll say, "I have too many gay friends to invite bigots to my wedding" and leave it at that.  The response will either leave the asker with their jaw on the floor or they'll stutter all over themselves trying to argue that my aunt ISN'T a bigot.  But we all know better.

If I were you, I'd tell my friend, "yo friend, FI's sister and her husband are douchecanoe homophobes.  I'd like to leave douchecanoes off the invitation list, but sister, family, blah blah blah.  So feel free to ignore them, or mess with them, or punch them in the jaw if they say something douchey, or call me over if they say something stupid so I can punch them in the jaw."  Honestly, odds are they're all talk won't say something rude to an Actual Real Life Gay Person.

[Deleted User]

TheCheeseWench said:

That is perhaps why a convo with FMIL might be helpful. She might be able to help deliver the message in a diplomatic yet clear manner. She knows (Hell, raised) one of these charmers. I am sure she as much as anyone would prefer NOT to see one of her children threaten the happiness at the wedding of another. Maybe your FI can help?

I am trying to figure out how to explain to Fi's (religious) family that one of my BFFs (non-religious and a woman) will be officiating ours in a likely non-religious manner. They wanted us to drag their Baptist minister down to TX, and we attempted to compromise by asking both FFIL and FBIL to do the ceremony. They both declined (FFIL turned FBIL down 10 years ago and now doesn't want to offend him & FSIL, & FBIL doesn't feel that he is "spiritually qualified". I'm sure they'll love the qualifications of my snarky beer brewing buddy. I feel lucky compared to your sitch! :-0 Best of luck!!!

I officiated my sister's completely secular wedding two years ago.  Pretty sure it pissed off the uber-religious portion of my family.  The uber-religious portion of the groom's family didn't seem to give a shit and even did the secular readings.

TheCheeseWench

adk19 said:

TheCheeseWench said:

That is perhaps why a convo with FMIL might be helpful. She might be able to help deliver the message in a diplomatic yet clear manner. She knows (Hell, raised) one of these charmers. I am sure she as much as anyone would prefer NOT to see one of her children threaten the happiness at the wedding of another. Maybe your FI can help?

I am trying to figure out how to explain to Fi's (religious) family that one of my BFFs (non-religious and a woman) will be officiating ours in a likely non-religious manner. They wanted us to drag their Baptist minister down to TX, and we attempted to compromise by asking both FFIL and FBIL to do the ceremony. They both declined (FFIL turned FBIL down 10 years ago and now doesn't want to offend him & FSIL, & FBIL doesn't feel that he is "spiritually qualified". I'm sure they'll love the qualifications of my snarky beer brewing buddy. I feel lucky compared to your sitch! :-0 Best of luck!!!

I officiated my sister's completely secular wedding two years ago.  Pretty sure it pissed off the uber-religious portion of my family.  The uber-religious portion of the groom's family didn't seem to give a shit and even did the secular readings.

The only member of MY fam all that likely to get too worked up over the exclusion of religion would be my Mother, but since I agreed to let her walk me down the aisle (rather than the solo stroll I had planned) I'm hoping she overlooks my heathenish decision in favor of the alternate "win".

jacques27

kaos16 said:

By warning someone that your friend is gay I feel like you are giving the impression that there is something wrong with your friend.  This is most certainly not the case.  It sounds like your friend is a lovely person.  You need to warn him about your future inlaws, because there is certainly something wrong with them if they are such biggots that they can't spend a weekend with a gay couple.  That's absurd!!!

This is what I had come in here to say.  By warning your future family, you're basically perpetuating the notion that there is something to be warned about - you're validating their completely unfounded and bigoted fears. 

I would perhaps give a heads up to your friend, although I suspect this would not be their first encounter with homophobes and they probably know how to handle the situation - but again even that can sometimes come off as "Hey, just don't be "too gay" because these people are @ssholes, ok?" depending on how the subject is broached.  Unless you have a reason to believe they'll actually become physically violent, I'd just let it go. 

And no, OP, there is no way to tell adults "behave or else".  You presume that adults are capable of conducting themselves in an appropriate manner in social settings.  If you wish, hire someone as security or find out who would act in that role at your venue and IF something were to occur where they clearly are disruptive and out of line then have them removed from the premises. 

Although personally, if your FI isn't even close with this particular family member, I personally wouldn't invite them, but that's just me - if you choose to be an intolerant bigot and shelter your children, that's your right, but it comes with the price that people will choose to spend time with other people who aren't intolerant bigots instead and not invite you places.  That's just how actions/consequences work.

[Deleted User]

jacques27 said:

This is what I had come in here to say.  By warning your future family, you're basically perpetuating the notion that there is something to be warned about - you're validating their completely unfounded and bigoted fears. 

I would perhaps give a heads up to your friend, although I suspect this would not be their first encounter with homophobes and they probably know how to handle the situation - but again even that can sometimes come off as "Hey, just don't be "too gay" because these people are @ssholes, ok?" depending on how the subject is broached.  Unless you have a reason to believe they'll actually become physically violent, I'd just let it go. 

And no, OP, there is no way to tell adults "behave or else".  You presume that adults are capable of conducting themselves in an appropriate manner in social settings.  If you wish, hire someone as security or find out who would act in that role at your venue and IF something were to occur where they clearly are disruptive and out of line then have them removed from the premises. 

Although personally, if your FI isn't even close with this particular family member, I personally wouldn't invite them, but that's just me - if you choose to be an intolerant bigot and shelter your children, that's your right, but it comes with the price that people will choose to spend time with other people who aren't intolerant bigots instead and not invite you places.  That's just how actions/consequences work.

This.  That was why I was thinking of talking to the IL's instead of my best friend because he doesn't need to do/change anything.  I also don't want him to feel uncomfortable or think he needs to act a certain way because of them.  He loves me so much that he'd do whatever he thought needed to be respectful to my family and future inlaws- especially because he came from a religious family himself.  however- i just want him to be him.. When I said my fiance doesn't like his sister, its more that he doesnt agree with her backwards thinking + her pushy religious beliefs, but it would be very upsetting to him if they weren't there.  His whole family is very very close so uninviting people would be a terrible way to start the beginning of our marriage. 

I was hoping to come at this respectfully and with an open mind.  While I vehemently disagree with her stance, I don't think cutting her out of my life would help the situation or help her change her beliefs.  my goal would be to hopefully change their hearts later on down the road (we're talking years) or at least be one positive influence to their sons.  Again- i hate the idea of coddling or validating bigots, but there must be a nice polite way to have a civilized conversation about this.  It is a long conversation that shouldn't end with my wedding.  

[Deleted User]

Knottie95884654 said:

jacques27 said:

This is what I had come in here to say.  By warning your future family, you're basically perpetuating the notion that there is something to be warned about - you're validating their completely unfounded and bigoted fears. 

I would perhaps give a heads up to your friend, although I suspect this would not be their first encounter with homophobes and they probably know how to handle the situation - but again even that can sometimes come off as "Hey, just don't be "too gay" because these people are @ssholes, ok?" depending on how the subject is broached.  Unless you have a reason to believe they'll actually become physically violent, I'd just let it go. 

And no, OP, there is no way to tell adults "behave or else".  You presume that adults are capable of conducting themselves in an appropriate manner in social settings.  If you wish, hire someone as security or find out who would act in that role at your venue and IF something were to occur where they clearly are disruptive and out of line then have them removed from the premises. 

Although personally, if your FI isn't even close with this particular family member, I personally wouldn't invite them, but that's just me - if you choose to be an intolerant bigot and shelter your children, that's your right, but it comes with the price that people will choose to spend time with other people who aren't intolerant bigots instead and not invite you places.  That's just how actions/consequences work.

This.  That was why I was thinking of talking to the IL's instead of my best friend because he doesn't need to do/change anything.  I also don't want him to feel uncomfortable or think he needs to act a certain way because of them.  He loves me so much that he'd do whatever he thought needed to be respectful to my family and future inlaws- especially because he came from a religious family himself.  however- i just want him to be him.. When I said my fiance doesn't like his sister, its more that he doesnt agree with her backwards thinking + her pushy religious beliefs, but it would be very upsetting to him if they weren't there.  His whole family is very very close so uninviting people would be a terrible way to start the beginning of our marriage. 

I was hoping to come at this respectfully and with an open mind.  While I vehemently disagree with her stance, I don't think cutting her out of my life would help the situation or help her change her beliefs.  my goal would be to hopefully change their hearts later on down the road (we're talking years) or at least be one positive influence to their sons.  Again- i hate the idea of coddling or validating bigots, but there must be a nice polite way to have a civilized conversation about this.  It is a long conversation that shouldn't end with my wedding.  

***BOXES???***

Let go of the hope to change their hearts. You can't do that. Only they can.

jacques27

Honestly, I would say nothing and let the chips fall where they may.  Have security of some sort if they actually get belligerent about it at the wedding. 

Otherwise, saying something up front makes it "a thing".  And letting them know upfront I think is just setting them up to be prejudiced against him before they even meet him.   I mean, I guess I don't know your friend - I see the occasional gay man outside the gay club in the theater district with t-shirts that read "I suck C*** *insert picture of rooster*" - I suppose it's feasible he was planning to officiate your ceremony while wearing a similar outfit.  But for the most part, with my friends and family members who are homosexual, they don't start conversations with strangers by announcing their sexual exploits or leering at members of the same sex.  Just like I and all of my heterosexual friends don't start conversations at weddings talking about our latest hook-ups or the last time we begrudgingly gave blowjobs to our partners.  Who we are sleeping with is such a small portion of our identity as human beings.  Let them see him for the wonderful friend he is to you and the multi-faceted human being that he is.  Maybe if they figure out, either at the wedding or at a later date, that he is gay, they'll be able to call back on what was hopefully a positive experience and it gets them thinking.  Is it a long shot?  Sure.  But I think you're definitely losing any shot of that by warning them and making it a "thing" in advance.  Hopefully, everyone knows how to behave like civilized adults and if they don't - well that makes them the bigoted jerks, not you, and you'll deal with it if it happens and then let it roll off your back and continue on with your day.

OllisaurusRex

My brother got married on paper the day his state legalized gay marriage. My then new BIL and brother grabbed the ability that day for fear of an injunction to prevent their marriage.

While they so badly wanted to get married, a courthouse wedding wasn't what they actually wanted. I ran interference for them for 365 days until they had the church wedding of their dreams. I refuse to call that bad etiquette, even though it technically is. Because I watched for years as they couldn't marry and friends got married and divorced left and right. I could see why they grabbed their legal rights that had been denied when they could.

If anyone made a derogatory comment that year, I got to say "If you can't use your basic, adult manners, you can stay home or be escorted away" repeatedly. My FI (then BF) did make people leave for being rotten.

So those family members need to grow up and behave or not be invited. Make it point blank and stick to it.

justsie

OllisaurusRex said:

My brother got married on paper the day his state legalized gay marriage. My then new BIL and brother grabbed the ability that day for fear of an injunction to prevent their marriage. While they so badly wanted to get married, a courthouse wedding wasn't what they actually wanted. I ran interference for them for 365 days until they had the church wedding of their dreams. I refuse to call that bad etiquette, even though it technically is. Because I watched for years as they couldn't marry and friends got married and divorced left and right. I could see why they grabbed their legal rights that had been denied when they could. If anyone made a derogatory comment that year, I got to say "If you can't use your basic, adult manners, you can stay home or be escorted away" repeatedly. My FI (then BF) did make people leave for being rotten. So those family members need to grow up and behave or not be invited. Make it point blank and stick to it.

I think most people have said that the exception to the PPD is in regards to marriage in which the couple are of the same sex, simply because of the constantly changing rules and inability to obtain up until now. 

Jen4948

If you're going to invite your FSIL or her husband, I would not warn them about your friend's being gay. It is not something that anyone needs a "warning" about. They should be expected to act like mature, polite adults just like everyone else, and if they refuse, then they deserve to live with the consequences of their behavior, which include being escorted out by security from the wedding venue if necessary, even if it's just to their hotel rooms. It could also be a valuable lesson for their children to learn: that bad behavior, whether inspired by bigoted beliefs or anything else, has negative consequences for the people who choose to engage in it.

But I would warn your friend that unfortunately, your FSIL and her husband are homophobes and reassure him that you will take appropriate action if they make it necessary.

CMGragain

I don't get it.  My daughter was married by a Methodist Minister in church.  The minister is gay.  So what?  It was not discussed.

TheCheeseWench

CMGragain said:

I don't get it.  My daughter was married by a Methodist Minister in church.  The minister is gay.  So what?  It was not discussed.

You don't get it @CMGragain because your denomination accepts gay members (and Clergy) as mine does, and as a rational member of society you are not meant to "get" why this gay man isn't an appropriate choice to officiate. My sadness is for those who DO get the problem the FILs here are apparently likely to have. I swear their needs to be a weekend seminar people can be sent to on "How to NOT be an asshat at your loved one's wedding". You can help teach the MOB section (as long as you didn't try to force her to do the $$ Dance against her will). My wedding has it's own "pick your battles" issues, but thankfully they have yet to tread into the waters of "just a crappy human being".

kmmssg

You know, I can relate a bit because I was trying to decide how to deal with this for DD's wedding last year.  She is 33 and was inviting her best guy friend from high school.  He is my "other" son and we love him dearly.  He also happens to be gay.

I married into great family.  DH's brother and SIL are without a doubt the kindest, most loving people on the planet and devoutly Catholic.  And, devout proponents of marriage equality.  I wasn't worried about them.  I was worried about FIL, one BIL and one BIL's wife, and my heinous BSC sister.

FIL is very close to awesome sister in law (who is his DIL).  I asked her if she thought he would say anything about our gay friend and if I needed to speak to him.  She said he would be just fine and that he loves her lesbian sister, no issues there.  The others didn't say anything that I heard about and BSC sister didn't even bother to RSVP.

Here is my theory on your situation:

1.  Give your friend a heads up.  This has to happen on a fairly frequent basis and he knows how to handle it.  You aren't warning him to be less gay or to be someone he is not.  You are just saying that BIL and SIL are crazy homophobic and you wanted him to know that.  That is fair in my eyes.  

2.  I'm kind of thinking you may want to go ahead and tell BIL and SIL.  The scenario that plays in my mind is them going on and on about this for years and all the money they spent when they would't have gone if they had known.  If it were me I would just as soon not have them there than to hear about it every time we got together.  Homophobic people aren't reasonable and I wouldn't expect them to drop it.

All you can do is look at it from as many sides as  you can, decide what is most respectful to your friend, and what you can live with for years to come.  Good luck!

justsie

I disagree about telling anyone that someone else is gay. It is not your job to "out" people. And while they may be comfortable sharing that with you, they may not be comfortable with you going and sharing that information with everyone. It is up to the person when/where they feel comfortable telling others they are gay.

Plus, telling your BIL and SIL now might just give them an idea to do something at the wedding. Some people are incredibly shitty and may try and do something if they know ahead of time. 

VulgarGirl

How would they know your officient is gay? Do they introduce themselves as "Hi I'm Tim, I'm a homosexual"? Cause that's weird. Do they have a giant rainbow tattooed on their forehead? Only wear pink triangles?

Much like racists will always act like racists, homophobes will always act like homophobes. No matter how much of a heads up they get that homos are gonna be in the area. In fact notifying them of impending homos gives them time to hunt out the homo and really ATTACK.