Wedding Party

More close friends than room in wedding party...

I have a group of close friends (we travel together a lot, plan get togethers, etc) but if I included them all in my bridal party it would be too many as my fiance and I decided to keep each side around 5-6 people.  Does anyone have any creative suggestions of roles I can offer these other friends to include them in the wedding?  I planned to ask one to read, 2 or 3 to pass out programs and ask guests to sign the guest book.  Or should I just scrap the idea all together and let them just be guests?  Hoping someone else had this dillema and could offer insight on how they handled it.  Thanks!
Wedding Countdown Ticker

 

 

Re: More close friends than room in wedding party...

  • mikenbergermikenberger member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    AW3380 said:
    I have a group of close friends (we travel together a lot, plan get togethers, etc) but if I included them all in my bridal party it would be too many as my fiance and I decided to keep each side around 5-6 people.  Does anyone have any creative suggestions of roles I can offer these other friends to include them in the wedding?  I planned to ask one to read, 2 or 3 to pass out programs and ask guests to sign the guest book.  Or should I just scrap the idea all together and let them just be guests?  Hoping someone else had this dillema and could offer insight on how they handled it.  Thanks!
    Passing out program is something a basket can do. And signing a guestbook, unless you've been under a rock your entire life, you know what to do. You don't need someone to point out "Hey! Sign the guest book. You take the pen..." 

    If you're having difficulties, maybe choose friends from different stages in your life (childhood, college, relationship etc) or friends you've known the longest. Being a guest is still an honored position. Not everybody is invited to your wedding, I assume? So it's kind of a VIP thing.

    ETA: Being a reader is an honored position though. So you could ask one of them to read.

    image
  • peachy13peachy13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    AW3380 said:
    I have a group of close friends (we travel together a lot, plan get togethers, etc) but if I included them all in my bridal party it would be too many as my fiance and I decided to keep each side around 5-6 people.  Does anyone have any creative suggestions of roles I can offer these other friends to include them in the wedding?  I planned to ask one to read, 2 or 3 to pass out programs and ask guests to sign the guest book.  Or should I just scrap the idea all together and let them just be guests?  Hoping someone else had this dillema and could offer insight on how they handled it.  Thanks!

    To me, having everyone I wanted to be in my bridal party was more important than having a "normal" number on each side. So yes, I'm the crazy person with 9 bridesmaids. I just couldn't imagine asking 6 sisters/friends to be bridesmaids and then asking the 3 "runner ups" to do a reading or manage the guest book. How do you make that decision? If your number of friends is doable for your wedding, go with it. I feel like lately, in the weddings I've gone to or seen pictures of, there appears to be no limit with the wedding party numbers. I like big wedding parties. But if we're talking like, 18-25 friends, then maybe no wedding party is a better idea, as you said.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers


  • Just let them be guests. Handing out programs and asking people to sign the guestbook is not an honor. 
  • How many people are we talking about? Including your closest friends should be more important than filling some pre-determined quota.

    If you decide not to ask them, just let them be guests. Handing out programs or manning the guest book is not an honor. It's a chore and screams second tier friend.
  • Alot of people - thought they were going to be in my wedding party - and if everyone that thought they were going to be a bridesmaid ended up being one I would have 11... 

    After headaches and trying not to hurt anyones feelings - I did what I felt was right for me - as another suggester posted I picked people from stages in my life. I now have 4 - 

    My BFF from elementary school is my maid of honor.
    My BFF from college, my BFF from my first real job outside of college and my fiances sister are bridesmaids. 

    We did the same for my FI. 

    When I broke it down and explained that it just wasnt possible to have everyone but it was just as important that they are there, they understood. I am sure some people were insulted. But it is all working out now. 
  • AW3380AW3380 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    If I included them all it would almost triple the amount of bridesmaids I intend to have.  Some are ok with that but for me its just too much.  @libride2015 you nailed it on the head, that's what I have been dealing with since announcing we are engaged.  A few of them have asked if they will be a bridesmaid which made me cringe and I responded that I have not thought about that part yet.  One member of this group of friends will be in the bridal party but that is because she and her husband basically set my Fiance and I up.  But I feel like if I include anyone else I will have to include them all to spare feelings.  I would like to make them all feel like they are involved in some way if I can. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

     

     

  • AW3380 its SUPER hard, even my FI had a hard time with it because we tend to be pushovers - and one of his friends was like "we are gunna look so good in our tuxes..."

    Ummm - but you arent in the party... we had to explain that there was just too many people. He understood but was upset about it.Its hard, you want to include everyone but you just cant. 

    FI and I decided that we are going to have our bachelor and bachelorette parties include EVERYONE so theres about 12 girls for me and 8 guys for him that way everyone is still somewhat included and we are able to go out and have a great time with our closest friends. 

    At the end of the day, you have to think about what is going to make you happy, and cause less of a headache, my entire wedding I have been trying to please EVERYONE else, even going from a night time wedding to a day wedding to make it easier for everyone to travel (we have alot of OOT). After I did that, I put my foot down on a crazy amount of bridesmaids/groomsmen, yes everyone is our friend, but that doesnt mean everyone has to stand up there, being part of the day as a guest is just as important to me. 

    Good luck!!! Xo
  • Here's the thing:  Being a "guest" is a honor and a way to be "included" at a wedding.

    Passing out programs and asking guests to sign the guest book is being asked to do unnecessary grunt work.  Nobody appreciates it or feels "honored" or "included" by being asked to do it.

    Which would you rather be if you weren't asked to be in a wedding party?

  • When you have to come up with creative roles, that's your sign that not everyone needs or gets to be included.
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • I feel like your bridal party should be your closet friends, regardless if that's 6 people or 2 people.  We had six on each side because we have 3 sisters and 3 brothers between the two of us, and lots of close friends. 

    Whatever works for you, but I agree that programs and guest book aren't an honor. I'd rather be getting my drink on than standing by a book. 
  • AW3380 said:
    I have a group of close friends (we travel together a lot, plan get togethers, etc) but if I included them all in my bridal party it would be too many as my fiance and I decided to keep each side around 5-6 people.  Does anyone have any creative suggestions of roles I can offer these other friends to include them in the wedding?  Yep, Bridesmaids.  I planned to ask one to read, 2 or 3 to pass out programs and ask guests to sign the guest book.  Ugh, no.  Passing out programs and policing the guestbook are chores, not roles of honor.  Don't ask anyone to do either of those jobs.  Or should I just scrap the idea all together and let them just be guests?  Either that or include them in the WP.  Hoping someone else had this dillema and could offer insight on how they handled it.  Thanks!



    I feel like your bridal party should be your closet friends, regardless if that's 6 people or 2 people.  We had six on each side because we have 3 sisters and 3 brothers between the two of us, and lots of close friends. 

    Whatever works for you, but I agree that programs and guest book aren't an honor. I'd rather be getting my drink on than standing by a book. 
    This.  I had 10BMS and DH had 9 GMs.  They were all our siblings or closest friends. 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • I think the ideas you came up with are great, that way they can have a special role in your wedding!
    There is nothing "special" about being asked to pass out programs or get guests to sign the guest book.  First of all, these are not "roles." Second, guests can pick up programs and sign the guest book without prompting from anyone else.  And third, asking a "friend" to do this, who is "honored" and "included" just by being a guest, does not make them feel "special" or "included."  It makes them feel used.
  • edited July 2015
    Jen4948 said:
    I think the ideas you came up with are great, that way they can have a special role in your wedding!
    There is nothing "special" about being asked to pass out programs or get guests to sign the guest book.  First of all, these are not "roles." Second, guests can pick up programs and sign the guest book without prompting from anyone else.  And third, asking a "friend" to do this, who is "honored" and "included" just by being a guest, does not make them feel "special" or "included."  It makes them feel used.

    QFT

    I went to a wedding last summer where the couple had two people "working" the guest book / program basket, and then at the reception, two people "guarding" (actively) their gift table and trying to get people to fill out envelopes w/ advice for them.

    I don't know how the program basket people felt, but I arrived to the reception about 5 minutes before it started, most people were seated but the two "workers" were grumbling about their "special honor" saying they'd rather be mingling. 

    Either make them bridesmaids or make them guests.  Both are special roles.
  • edited July 2015

    I think the ideas you came up with are great, that way they can have a special role in your wedding!

    Yeah, no. Not sure if you read the other responses that made a lot of sense but 2nd tier consolation "jobs" are not honors. PPs made a great point that being an invited guest is an honor in itself.

    OP, I totally get you. I had 3 girls who sort of came as a package so to speak. There was no way to exclude any of them without hurt feelings and really no reason to as I consider them all lifelong friends who I wanted to stand up for us. I bit the bullet & had a large WP (9 BMs).

    I was asked to "do the guestbook" in a cousin's wedding long ago. I HATED it. Granted, I was a self-conscious teenager but even at that age I felt embarrassed to not be in the WP despite my other cousins getting to be BMs (which was immature) but even then I knew I had been given a useless job that felt like it was purely out of obligation b/c we were family. I would rather have just been a guest.
  • lembasloverlembaslover member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment First Answer
    edited July 2015
    AW3380 said:
    If I included them all it would almost triple the amount of bridesmaids I intend to have.  Some are ok with that but for me its just too much.  @libride2015 you nailed it on the head, that's what I have been dealing with since announcing we are engaged.  A few of them have asked if they will be a bridesmaid which made me cringe and I responded that I have not thought about that part yet.  One member of this group of friends will be in the bridal party but that is because she and her husband basically set my Fiance and I up.  But I feel like if I include anyone else I will have to include them all to spare feelings.  I would like to make them all feel like they are involved in some way if I can. 
    Would you like to stand at a wedding handing out programs or watching the guestbook when other guests are just talking and enjoying themselves? I wouldn't... 

    What if you just had this couple be your MOH and BM? Then you explain to everyone else that you couldn't choose among them, these people set you up and you hope to see them all on your wedding day. 

    Not that anyone be offended by not being picked but if they are hurt I feel it'd be a lot less if it's you and your other 15 friends not getting picked then you being one of the few left out. 
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    edited July 2015
    Just have them be guests. Remember that you will also be getting gifts for all of the people in the bridal party, purchasing bouquets for them, etc., so it will add to the cost of your wedding. If that is not an issue and you really want them up there with you, then by all means, have them all be BMs.

    Otherwise, if you really want to do something wedding-related with them, you can invite them to get ready with you, or go get mani/pedis with you before the wedding.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
  • Just have them be guests. Remember that you will also be getting gifts for all of the people in the bridal party, purchasing bouquets for them, etc., so it will add to the cost of your wedding. If that is not an issue and you really want them up there with you, then by all means, have them all be BMs.

    Otherwise, if you really want to do something wedding-related with them, you can invite them to get ready with you, or go get mani/pedis with you before the wedding.
    Serious question... Why is "getting ready with you" an activity?  Except for maybe helping me zip up the back of my dress, I've never needed help getting dressed before.  Why is it on my wedding day I need a whole gaggle of women to help me wipe my ass and put on my shoes?
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    What on earth is going on around here lately?!  There has been a rash of ladies trying to figure out how to let people down who they don't choose to have in their wedding parties, or making up roles for them so they don't feel left out. I can't......

    I regret to inform you that your wedding is not going to be as important to anyone else as it is to you.  You choose the bridal party that you want, and call it a day.  There is no need to call those who didn't make the cut to let them know.  When they aren't asked to be in the bridal party, they will figure it out.  Don't give them tasks to feel included, or invite them to get ready with you.  If they care about you, they will be perfectly happy attending your wedding as a guest.

    I, for one, would be annoyed to be given a BS job instead of being asked to be a BM.  I would be really annoyed if you felt the need to try to sit me down and tell me why I wasn't chosen.  I'd be perfectly happy, however, to get dressed up, come to your wedding and eat and drink with the other guests.
  • AW3380AW3380 member
    5 Love Its First Comment Name Dropper
    Silly me, I thought this was a forum to bounce ideas and questions off of people like myself who are/were planning a wedding.  Those questions may seem silly and insignifigant to some (which there is nothing wrong with) but to others they are important.  I understand through written, rather than spoken word, it is easy to misconstrue the tone of a response.  But there is a big difference in not sugar-coating responses to people and being down right rude.  I know my wedding won't be the upmost of importance to everyone.  However, I have been asked by close friends who I was not intending to include in the wedding party if they are going to be a bridesmaid.  That tells me that they wish to be a part of my wedding beyond just a guest.  And I know first hand the dissapointing feeling of hoping you are asked to stand up for a friend and you are not.  So to me it was important to reach out to other brides to determine how they were able to include those people without having a 20+ person wedding party.  I don't think that is such a rediculous and stupid question to ask.  Any other posts that I myself browse through and read on other boards I try to offer constructive opinions and advice while being respectful to the person who originally posted the question.  I feel like that's what grown adults should do.  Please excuse me for wasting your time.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker

     

     


  • AW3380 said:
    Silly me, I thought this was a forum to bounce ideas and questions off of people like myself who are/were planning a wedding.  Those questions may seem silly and insignifigant to some (which there is nothing wrong with) but to others they are important.  I understand through written, rather than spoken word, it is easy to misconstrue the tone of a response.  But there is a big difference in not sugar-coating responses to people and being down right rude.  I know my wedding won't be the upmost of importance to everyone.  However, I have been asked by close friends who I was not intending to include in the wedding party if they are going to be a bridesmaid.  That tells me that they wish to be a part of my wedding beyond just a guest.  And I know first hand the dissapointing feeling of hoping you are asked to stand up for a friend and you are not.  So to me it was important to reach out to other brides to determine how they were able to include those people without having a 20+ person wedding party.  I don't think that is such a rediculous and stupid question to ask.  Any other posts that I myself browse through and read on other boards I try to offer constructive opinions and advice while being respectful to the person who originally posted the question.  I feel like that's what grown adults should do.  Please excuse me for wasting your time.
    No one was being rude to you, everyone was giving their opinion on how you handle this situation.

    If you really want to include these women, than ask them to be part of your bridal party, or ask them to be readers.  Those are the only ceremonial roles of honor served by others during a wedding ceremony.  Otherwise, you just invite them to be guests and if they bring up being in your bridal party, you have to politely deflect those questions or nicely let them know that you have already chosen your bridal party, sorry you couldn't include them.

    I don't know how you and your FI arrived at an arbitrary number for your WP of 5-6 people per side, but that's what that number is- arbitrary- if you have 3 more friends who you would like to include in your wedding.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • AW3380 said:
    Silly me, I thought this was a forum to bounce ideas and questions off of people like myself who are/were planning a wedding.  Those questions may seem silly and insignifigant to some (which there is nothing wrong with) but to others they are important.  I understand through written, rather than spoken word, it is easy to misconstrue the tone of a response.  But there is a big difference in not sugar-coating responses to people and being down right rude.  I know my wedding won't be the upmost of importance to everyone.  However, I have been asked by close friends who I was not intending to include in the wedding party if they are going to be a bridesmaid.  That tells me that they wish to be a part of my wedding beyond just a guest.  And I know first hand the dissapointing feeling of hoping you are asked to stand up for a friend and you are not.  So to me it was important to reach out to other brides to determine how they were able to include those people without having a 20+ person wedding party.  I don't think that is such a rediculous and stupid question to ask.  Any other posts that I myself browse through and read on other boards I try to offer constructive opinions and advice while being respectful to the person who originally posted the question.  I feel like that's what grown adults should do.  Please excuse me for wasting your time.

    I'm sorry you didn't get an answer you wanted.

    But again:  Being a guest without being in the wedding party is "being included and honored" at a wedding.  Being asked to pass out programs or get guests to sign the guest book is unnecessary work.  If you really want to "include" anyone as something besides a guest, then ask them to be in your wedding party.  There aren't any other "roles" at a wedding.

  • Nobody was rude to you. JFC
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
    image
  • adk19 said:
    Just have them be guests. Remember that you will also be getting gifts for all of the people in the bridal party, purchasing bouquets for them, etc., so it will add to the cost of your wedding. If that is not an issue and you really want them up there with you, then by all means, have them all be BMs.

    Otherwise, if you really want to do something wedding-related with them, you can invite them to get ready with you, or go get mani/pedis with you before the wedding.
    Serious question... Why is "getting ready with you" an activity?  Except for maybe helping me zip up the back of my dress, I've never needed help getting dressed before.  Why is it on my wedding day I need a whole gaggle of women to help me wipe my ass and put on my shoes?

    Ha - I have a great shot of one of me (the bride) putting on my 8-month pregnant BM's shoes because she couldn't reach her feet to put the strap together.    

    But yeah, other than zipping up the dress, getting ready isn't really an activity to me either.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • adk19 said:
    Just have them be guests. Remember that you will also be getting gifts for all of the people in the bridal party, purchasing bouquets for them, etc., so it will add to the cost of your wedding. If that is not an issue and you really want them up there with you, then by all means, have them all be BMs.

    Otherwise, if you really want to do something wedding-related with them, you can invite them to get ready with you, or go get mani/pedis with you before the wedding.
    Serious question... Why is "getting ready with you" an activity?  Except for maybe helping me zip up the back of my dress, I've never needed help getting dressed before.  Why is it on my wedding day I need a whole gaggle of women to help me wipe my ass and put on my shoes?

    I honestly don't know! I've known some girls who jumped at the opportunity to be included in the "getting ready" process, and I haven't a clue as to why--I personally would not want to unless I was part of the bridal party, because I'd rather be spending my time doing something else (especially with my significant other also attending, what's he supposed to do?) But some ladies may just want that feeling on inclusion? And on my wedding day I'd rather not have a ton of people crammed into the little bridal suite while I'm trying to get my hair done.

    Again, I just see it happen a lot. The more I think about it, the more ridiculous is seems. Just another example of just because people are doing it doesn't mean it's a good idea.
                                     Wedding Countdown Ticker

                                                   image
  • lyndausvi said:
    adk19 said:
    Just have them be guests. Remember that you will also be getting gifts for all of the people in the bridal party, purchasing bouquets for them, etc., so it will add to the cost of your wedding. If that is not an issue and you really want them up there with you, then by all means, have them all be BMs.

    Otherwise, if you really want to do something wedding-related with them, you can invite them to get ready with you, or go get mani/pedis with you before the wedding.
    Serious question... Why is "getting ready with you" an activity?  Except for maybe helping me zip up the back of my dress, I've never needed help getting dressed before.  Why is it on my wedding day I need a whole gaggle of women to help me wipe my ass and put on my shoes?

    Ha - I have a great shot of one of me (the bride) putting on my 8-month pregnant BM's shoes because she couldn't reach her feet to put the strap together.    

    But yeah, other than zipping up the dress, getting ready isn't really an activity to me either.
    Exactly!  So why is it suggested that "you can always invite them to get ready with you the day of"?  No thanks.  If I'm not a bridesmaid, I'd like to sleep in, fuck my FH, take a shower and get dressed in my own house or hotel room, and take my sweet ass time getting to the venue.  I DON'T want to wake up at the buttcrack of dawn, shower, dress in "getting ready" clothes, pack my bag with my proper shoes, undergarments, and dress for the wedding, drag my tired ass to a salon to watch you and the bridesmaids get their hair and makeup done, go somewhere that isn't my home or hotel room to get dressed with a bunch of other women, then finally get to the venue.  See that?  One sounds nice, the other not so much.
  • auriannaaurianna member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    Ditto ditto ditto PP

    Honors are:
    Wedding Party
    Readers
    Presenter of the Gifts (If Catholic) / possibly similar role in other religious ceremonies
    Guest

    (I also think ushers, but I think the opinion about them is split here)


    As far the whole offering to get ready thing... that's a know your crowd sort of thing I think.
    I had a good friend who just asked her sisters, SIL and sorority sister/roommate to be in the wedding party, but she was still close to me and another girl. She asked us if we wanted to stay with her the night before the wedding [for free, in the mansion they were renting], get pedicures the next day, get ready with her, etc. It was not a demand. It was an offer because she thought we might want to. And we definitely did.
    As a surprise, she and her mother offered to pay for us to get our hair done too with the bridesmaids. And she'd also gotten us corsages. It was really nice. And it worked because prior, she never gave us fake roles/chores/pity titles. We were always "just" guests, but it was clear she was really excited we were coming to her wedding.



    So again, those roles listed above are the only roles you can give out. But there are a few things you can do if you want:

    - During your reception tell some of your special friends that you'd love to get a picture with them [if they're comfortable] and have your photographer get a shot of you together. (try and get the photographer to come to you so you don't tear the friend away from what she was doing)

    - Make a request to the DJ to play a song that has special meaning. He could even say "This one is for the girls of XYZ high school, class of 20XX!" or what have you.

    - If they give you a gift, write an extra nice thank you note about how much they mean to you.

    - Continue to treat them like a friend in all ways that aren't wedding related. I know wedding planning gets busy, but keep in touch with dinner dates and phone calls and such. As long as they remain an important part of your life, it won't matter if they don't have an "important" role in your wedding.



    And a really quick note on the fake roles...
    I went to a wedding last week that had the Guestbook Attendant.
    She was super demanding! Anyone that even walked near her she called after to come sign it. Loudly. And when people kept walking she looked visibly distraught, like she was letting the couple down. So not only did the bride & groom end up giving this woman a job that caused her stress, but I'm pretty sure it ended up annoying the other guests, myself included.
    Please don't do this.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards