Moms and Maids

Dress problems

To start off, I've been engaged for over a year and am getting married in a month and a week. I haven't set any harsh dress code requirements for my maids/mom who is my maid of honor. I am paying for their hair and make up, which they can wear however they want, and I don't care what accessories they want. The only requirements were David's Bridal specific blue color, the dress not be satin, and nude shoes. 

This was common knowledge for the last eight months since I had to change the dress color several different times from various shades of blue until everyone was happy with a color. I get a call my mother/MOH and was told she thinks all the dresses in the color that was mutually agreed on by everyone (including her) are ugly. She now wants a different color. My sister (MOH #2) ordered her dress online and in the color everyone agreed on but just now showed me that the top is satin and the bottom chiffon. She already paid for the dress and received it in the mail. She said she'll return it though has said a few things that made me feel guilty about that fact (even though I was more adament about the 'no satin' rule than anything). She did not show me the dress before she bought it, she didn't even alert me to the fact that she had picked one out, just that she said she'd find something that wasn't satin. Everyone else in my wedding party is totally cool with their dress options and knows not to pick Satin and stay with the color we all agreed on. 

I know many people have the maid of honor in a different color but my reasoning for wanting everyone in the same color is this: My dress is not white. Its got an embroidered pattern in many soft colors all over and is what I could consider "busy". Very pretty though. I would like everyone else in my wedding party to be consistent since I am...well not. It wouldn't be a big deal if I had a white dress..but I don't. I don't want to have too much going on in the pictures and feel that not everyone in the same color would make it too all over the place especially since the dresses themselves are all different. Its not that my mom/MOH wants a different shade of blue, she wants an entirely different color. 

How the heck do I try and guide my mom/MOH to a dress in the color (and not satin) that she will like? I have already offered to go and look with her but she insists everything is ugly or too revealing. And how to tenderly ask my sister to let me see her dress before she buys another one. I have been very relaxed and down to earth on everything else about the wedding party look and the whole wedding in general (not that it really affects anyone else). This is something I don't want to really budge on. Advice?

Re: Dress problems

  • You'd be surprised at how much easier it is just to bring them to a salon and have them pick a dress. 

    I managed to get all my maids at the appointment (took a month for them all not to be busy). I just told them to pick out something they liked and I would pick the color from a swatch. They all agreed on the same dress (everyone just loved the same dress so that help even though I told them that they as a collective just had to pick long or short). I didn't like the color of blue (blue is extremely hard for bridesmaid dresses, just so you know). I went with the silver. It worked out perfect!
  • We somewhat did it backwards. I bought a bunch of swatches since everyone had admitted they wanted blue. At first it was navy but then one of the girls decided she didn't like it later on. No worries, we got tried again and picked a pale blue though another later decided she didn't like it since she wouldn't be able to tan during the summer (I guess she wanted to be tanner at the wedding) and thought it would wash her out. So on so forth until they decided they all loved a shade called Horizon. 

    I had already been firm on day one on the 'no satin' but yeah, we finally had a color. I don't mind if the dress is short, long, halter, sleeveless, one sleeve, ect. I want them to be comfortable. No one else in my bridal party is having issues with this. I've already offered to go to the store with my mom and she has turned this down due to "not having time". Right now its up in the air on where we're going from here. 
  • edited June 2015
    I don't understand why satin is the hill you want to die on.  If you are letting them pick any dress in a DB specific blue, then why does the fabric type matter?  I'm going to tell you that honestly, it really doesn't.  It's not going to ruin the pictures.  It's not going to look too "busy" next to your dress.  And really, pictures should not trump having your nearest and dearest be in your WP, right?

    That said, if you asked for them to pick a dress in a specific color, and they agreed on that color, well, they should really stick with it.  I don't think choosing a color is unreasonable, especially when you are letting them choose any style dress in that color.  At this point, I'd recommend letting go of the non satin restriction, and then not worrying about what dresses your mom and BMs choose.  Don't ask to see or approve of the dresses, just trust them to buy something appropriate.

    I had 10 BMs.  I gave them a palette of 5 coordinating colors and let them pick any knee length dress, fabric type didn't matter.  To me, having mismatched lengths looks far more visually messy and ugly than mismatched fabric types.  So some of my BMs wore satin dresses, others chiffon, etc.  The pictures look fine.  I used the bouquets to tie everyone together visually.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • image

    ^ This is my wedding dress. Its hard to see the patterns and colors but I love it! 
    Amazingly enough, my sister just sent me a text of a confirmed Chiffon dress she ordered and paid for in the correct color. She said told me she tried it (it being the original dress she purchased) on and the bust was too large anyway so I guess it worked out perfectly. She's going to return it.

    Thank you! I'm so glad I'm not being called unreasonable on the mom/MOH dress issue. How should I gently approach her and convince her about the color?
  • Jen4948Jen4948 member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited June 2015
    If the color and material of the dresses is important to you but you're letting everything else be decided on by them, tell everyone that the dress is the only thing you are asking of them, that you chose it after consulting with everyone, that you are not changing it yet again, and that you are not open to hearing any more complaints about it. Then enforce that by ending the conversation. Should anyone try to give you pushback, just bean dip or repeat, "I told you that the subject is closed."

    All that said, I don't understand why not having satin is so important.
  • Gorgeous dress!  But most of those details are not really going to show up in photos, unless they are closeups.  So a satin dress is not going to somehow clash with your dress.  If a satin dress will make your mom happy, let it go.  She's wearing it, not you.

    Now, if she still won't buy the color you asked for, ugh.  That's tough.  If it were me, since she's my mother, I'd just let her pick a color and fabric type she feels happy with and then work that color into my overall color scheme for the bouquets, including my own, so that she is tied into the rest of the WP and you.

    Because at the end of the day, I wouldn't want to have a huge fight over something so insignificant as the color of a dress.



    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @ PrettyLostGirl

    The reason I don't want the satin is for several reasons. Satin makes the fabric color look different than other fabrics even though it is the same. My sister's dress was proof enough of that though I was aware earlier on. The satin looked darker than the chiffon and honestly looked like a navy blue. The wedding is outdoors for most of it and I don't want some dresses to have a shine while others don't. Its hot as heck where the wedding will be the satin will heat up more than the others (something I actually have tested in the past in high school home ec.). I honestly don't find satin to be very pretty. I don't think having two rules for a dress code is being too unreasonable. 

    The girls collectively agreed on long dresses so I won't have anyone in short dresses. Aside from my mom, all the other girls want chiffon simply because they prefer it, this was not a requirement from me. So its starting to be somewhat uniform without me meaning to.
  • @ PrettyGirlLost

    Sorry, didn't see you responded before me. Thank you! I absolutely love my dress. And also sorry for butchering your name.

    My mom doesn't want the satin dress...or well, maybe she does. Her issue was the dresses in the color they (the wedding party) agreed on were too ugly or too revealing. Nothing that she liked. I already bought the bouquets and have them at home since they are sola flowers and won't wilt. The color she wants is a gray, either super light or super dark. Nothing in my wedding is gray. The colors are various shades of pink and blue, I can't figure out a way to make it work. 

    I don't really want to change the color either because its been Horizon for 8 months and she was one of the first to agree on the color. The issue at hand is trying to get her to let me help her look for a dress in that color. She won't even go to the store to look at dresses. 
  • I see that your mom and sister are both MOH. Why don't you just say "mom, the bridal party is wearing this blue. If you will not buy a dress in blue you can just be MOB."
  • @ PrettyGirlLost

    Sorry, didn't see you responded before me. Thank you! I absolutely love my dress. And also sorry for butchering your name.

    My mom doesn't want the satin dress...or well, maybe she does. Her issue was the dresses in the color they (the wedding party) agreed on were too ugly or too revealing. Nothing that she liked. I already bought the bouquets and have them at home since they are sola flowers and won't wilt. The color she wants is a gray, either super light or super dark. Nothing in my wedding is gray. The colors are various shades of pink and blue, I can't figure out a way to make it work. 

    I don't really want to change the color either because its been Horizon for 8 months and she was one of the first to agree on the color. The issue at hand is trying to get her to let me help her look for a dress in that color. She won't even go to the store to look at dresses. 
    I get you.  This is like a no win situation for you, I feel. 

    Horizon is basically Royal Blue, from what I have seen on DB's website.  I know it's late in the game to change color scheme just because your mother is being a pain in the ass, but grey, pink, and blue is doable:

    image

    image

    image

    What if you got a swatch of the Horizon color and told your mom she can pick any dress, from any where, that matches that color?  As someone who had mismatched BMs, it really won't matter if the fabric types and colors are not 100% the same.  As long as the hue is similar to the DB Horizon, it will look fine.

    But, if she totally refuses to cooperate with you on getting a Horizon dress from DB or a similar shade dress from elsewhere, and you are dead set on having the entire WP in that color- your prerogative, 100%- then maybe TNDancer has the right idea.

    How ridiculous for a MOB to act like this, though.  GL, hun!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • Have you thought about letting your mom shop from the MOB dresses at DB?  I just looked up their dresses and they have some in Royal Blue, French Blue, Atlantic, and Night that are very similar to the Horizon color.  The dresses are more expensive than the BM dresses, but you could get your mom into a dress she is more comfortable in and similar to the BM dresses.  Also, DB has $20 off coupon code for MOB dresses.  The shade might be slightly off, but this may be an easier solution to try. 
  • Update:

    I don't really care if she wears a BM dress or mother of the bride dress so long as the color is Horizon. It doesn't have to be at David's Bridal and each member of the wedding party was given a swatch to compare where ever they want. My mom doesn't really want to look around at other places and she doesn't really want to go to the store.

    However, after taking a mix of everyone's advise, I called my mom last night and let her know the reasons why I would love for her to stay in the horizon color. I also told her I would designate a day for nails (she loves getting her nails done) and dress shopping so that we can have a productive mother/daughter date. She hesitantly agreed though admitted she would browse online. I did let her know, if she absolutely couldn't find a dress in Horizon, we could compromise on a suitable color but that I would appreciate at least searching and trying on dresses before we go down that road. 

    So schedules will be checked and we'll see where it goes. 

    ** On a side note, I shouldn't be too surprised by her defiance. She's been given little to no info the wedding since she fought every step of the way when I first started planning. (Advice wisely given to me by knotties).

    Thank you all for your advice! I really appreciate your responses. :)
  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer

    Your wedding is in 5 weeks - will DB be able to get a dress to her in time? I know they always make a big production about timelines but I don't think any I've known about have been delivered in less than 8 weeks.  I hope she can get a rush order??

    My BMs dresses with Horizon blue from DB and royal blue was basically the same so if she found something at a department store it would be fine.

  • Why is this sort of thing so hard? And I'm referring to in general, not your specific situation OP. My friend is getting married next year. Some BMs are OOT and some are local. He went to DB with the local girls and the OOT girls just picked a dress in the color he picked either online or at their local DB. We sent him the link to our faves before purchasing and he gave his opinion. It was the easiest thing ever. I don't get why some people make it so damn hard.
  • kvruns said:

    Your wedding is in 5 weeks - will DB be able to get a dress to her in time? I know they always make a big production about timelines but I don't think any I've known about have been delivered in less than 8 weeks.  I hope she can get a rush order??

    My BMs dresses with Horizon blue from DB and royal blue was basically the same so if she found something at a department store it would be fine.

    I 've had to wear DB dresses as a BM twice, and the dresses came within 4 weeks.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • kvrunskvruns member
    First Anniversary First Comment 5 Love Its First Answer
    kvruns said:

    Your wedding is in 5 weeks - will DB be able to get a dress to her in time? I know they always make a big production about timelines but I don't think any I've known about have been delivered in less than 8 weeks.  I hope she can get a rush order??

    My BMs dresses with Horizon blue from DB and royal blue was basically the same so if she found something at a department store it would be fine.

    I 've had to wear DB dresses as a BM twice, and the dresses came within 4 weeks.
    I've had one take 12 weeks and the other I think was around 8.  My BMs came in around 9-10 weeks although were quoted 12. I don't see why it takes that long, but sounds like you had better luck than weddings I've been in.  
  • kvruns said:
    kvruns said:

    Your wedding is in 5 weeks - will DB be able to get a dress to her in time? I know they always make a big production about timelines but I don't think any I've known about have been delivered in less than 8 weeks.  I hope she can get a rush order??

    My BMs dresses with Horizon blue from DB and royal blue was basically the same so if she found something at a department store it would be fine.

    I 've had to wear DB dresses as a BM twice, and the dresses came within 4 weeks.
    I've had one take 12 weeks and the other I think was around 8.  My BMs came in around 9-10 weeks although were quoted 12. I don't see why it takes that long, but sounds like you had better luck than weddings I've been in.  
    It;s all a bunch of bullshit, isn't it? :-P

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • @ Everyone

    Oh my gosh! It can take that long??? I was annoyed earlier with my mom being...well difficult but now I'm scared. Only one confirmed bridesmaid has her dress, two are going to look in the next week to two weeks, my mom...is still in the air and my other (5 total) has a few picked out but I don't know if she's ordered it. The dresses don't have to be from DB, that's just where everyone seems to be wanting to go. 

    What if they don't get it in time? Or it needs to be altered? Will it be able to be altered in time? Oh my gosh.Should I have gotten on their case long ago? I mean that doesn't help now but holy cow. 


    I don't know why its so hard. This is one area that I thought would be the easiest but everything was a cakewalk compared to this.
  • @ Everyone

    Oh my gosh! It can take that long??? I was annoyed earlier with my mom being...well difficult but now I'm scared. Only one confirmed bridesmaid has her dress, two are going to look in the next week to two weeks, my mom...is still in the air and my other (5 total) has a few picked out but I don't know if she's ordered it. The dresses don't have to be from DB, that's just where everyone seems to be wanting to go. 

    What if they don't get it in time? Or it needs to be altered? Will it be able to be altered in time? Oh my gosh.Should I have gotten on their case long ago? I mean that doesn't help now but holy cow. 


    I don't know why its so hard. This is one area that I thought would be the easiest but everything was a cakewalk compared to this.
    You can remind them but honestly they are adults and therefor can be responsible for ordering their own dress. If they don't get their dress on time, well that is on them as long as someone told them about the deadlines. If they go to order their dress from DB and get told about the waiting period (when I went it was stated to me AT LEAST 3 different times) and they aren't going to make it in time that is on them. If they buy a dress and need it altered- that's on them as well. 
    image
  • edited July 2015
    This might sound harsh, but this is YOUR day, not your bridal parties day.  They should be decreasing your stress by helping you out, not adding to your stress because they don't like the dress. Just saying
    Here we go. While yes, asking the bridal party to stick to a specific color isn't too much to ask, the attitude that "It's MY SPECIAL DAY!" is very problematic and entitled. The end result in this case, is the same, in that the bridal party should pick a dress in the agreed upon color, but the entitled attitude rarely goes over well for anyone involved. You're asking these people to stand up next to you because you love and care for them. You should want them to at least feel comfortable, and like you actually want them there, not like they're just props to make your pictures pretty.

    Edited because words...

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
    image
  • justsiejustsie member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited July 2015
    Knottie1434655874 said: This might sound harsh, but this is YOUR day, not your bridal parties day.  They should be decreasing your stress by helping you out, not adding to your stress because they don't like the dress. Just saying

    Edited for Boxes How sad that you would make your friends feel uncomfortable when they are supposed to be in positions of "honor" because
    its my special day. Just saying.
    image
  • I don't really like the attitude that "its my day" so I can expect people to go above and beyond for me. In the end, its not my day. I am sharing it with my fiance and all those that I hold dear. I don't want to, and don't think I'm capable of talking to someone in that sense either. 

    My bridal party are my closest friends and family. While some are making this process more stressful than it really should be, I still love them and trust (more like hope at this point) that they'll be able to get a dress and stand by my side. On the other hand, I think I can grasp what you're saying in regards to making this less stressful. I asked them to not wait until the last moment and was met with half hearted laughs and "Yeah, yeah, we'll get it done." Well now its last minute and some don't have dresses.

    My mom, thank my lucky stars, went with my to David's Bridal and found a beautiful lace dress in Horizon. She loves it! She found it on amazon in her size and it'll arrive 7/16/15. Great! One of my BM hasn't responded to my inquiry about if she found a dress while another said she'll do it in a week or so for financial reasons. 

    I'm nervous, stressed, a bit anxious, and slightly annoyed that they waited this long but I also understand.
  • @rentothenay - David's has plenty of bm dresses in horizon. The MOB selections in horizon are limited. Speaking as a 50 something woman, I wouldn't look right in a bm dress that's designed for a 20 - 30 year old woman. That might be why your mom is having problems finding a dress.

    If your mom doesn't find anything she likes at David's, try Macy's and Nordstrom.TBH the blues aren't going to match exactly, unless you buy them all from David's, so I'd say okay to the gray dress that she wants. 

    @ Everyone

    Oh my gosh! It can take that long??? I was annoyed earlier with my mom being...well difficult but now I'm scared. Only one confirmed bridesmaid has her dress, two are going to look in the next week to two weeks, my mom...is still in the air and my other (5 total) has a few picked out but I don't know if she's ordered it. The dresses don't have to be from DB, that's just where everyone seems to be wanting to go. 

    What if they don't get it in time? Or it needs to be altered? Will it be able to be altered in time? Oh my gosh.Should I have gotten on their case long ago? I mean that doesn't help now but holy cow. 


    I don't know why its so hard. This is one area that I thought would be the easiest but everything was a cakewalk compared to this.

    ___________________________________________________________

    The bms shouldn't wait another week or two to look for dresses. David's most likely will be able to get their dresses within a month, but that's cutting it close. 

                       
  • I'm happy that your mom found a dress that she loves. Good luck with the bms.
                       
  • I'm happy that your mom found a dress that she loves. Good luck with the bms.

    -------------------------------DANG BOXES--------------------------------------------------
    Thank you! When we went on for the trying on the dress process, I could definitely see what she was talking about. A part of me wanted to cry with her when she cringed as she looked in the mirror. Some of the dresses, while very modest and stylish, did not fit her body type. I'm so glad we were able to find a dress she really loved. It helped that she wants to alter it after the wedding to knee length for a night out on the town. :)

    I'll admit though, after seeing her discomfort at the first few dresses, I was heavily considering another color all together for her. Thankfully, we found the perfect dress because she later admitted she really wanted to match the other girls but didn't think she could find something she liked.

  • Sorry your bridal party is being difficult.  Your wedding gown is gorgeous.  I guess I am just lucky.. I went with my MOH to pick out a dress, discussed the color options with my mom and MOH, and informed the bridesmaids of the dress style and color.  No one had a problem with it.  Maybe it helped that I didn't get everyone's input & complicate it.  It's your wedding day, so your wedding party should be supportive of the dress color and style you decide.  Good luck! :-)
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