Wedding Woes

Who's unreasonable here -- me or my mom?

primafaba15primafaba15
100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
member
edited June 2015 in Wedding Woes
My BM graciously offered to pay for me to have my hair and makeup done as her wedding present. This is obviously a HUGE gift, and really wonderful since otherwise I might not have been able to do this. My mom and MOH/sister have been pretty consistent in telling me they thought it was ridiculous, but I decided to ignore them and go ahead. I had my trial last week and I am so excited about how I am going to look. 

My mom seemed OK with this until I mentioned the timeline for the appointment. My wedding is at 2 and the appointment is from 9-11am, which seemed plenty of time. Unfortunately no sooner had I gotten off the phone then I got a series of texts from my father laying into me about how apparently my priorities are out of wack, spending my wedding morning with a stylist and gifting-BM rather than my mother and sister. They are welcome to come to the salon with me, but they don't want to sit around for 2 hours, which I understand. I didn't know this would be a problem because my mother and sister informed me that everyone should show up already ready and dressed to my apartment, so I didn't expect them much earlier than 11 anyway. My mom shot down any ideas about the usual getting ready together, mimosas, group photos, what have you months ago as silly and "self-centered."  Apparently it also creates problems with transporting our relatives (which my folks told me months ago that they would take care of). Now it is sounding like my mother is maybe not going to be with me before the ceremony at all.

I'm really confused, since I thought this was pretty normal and anyway I don't know when else I would get my hair etc. done....The last 14 months of my engagement have made me realize that a lot of things my mom does/says are unfair, and accept that, after having this relationship with her for so long, I have limited ability to distinguish me being really selfish from my mom saying I'm selfish because she/my sister are more important. Is this really unreasonable/selfish?  Should I be calling BM and saying thank you, but I can't accept this anymore? Or should I hold my ground?  I know I'll have regrets either way and I just have no idea what to do. 

Re: Who's unreasonable here -- me or my mom?

  • courtmcmcourtmcm El Segundo, CA
    10 Comments First Anniversary
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    I say hold your ground. You are still going to have some time with your mom and sister before the wedding (you have four whole hours between the appointment and the wedding), so it isn't like you won't get to see her. And this wasn't exclusive - they could come along if they wanted to. Your mom should probably get over it.
    MesmrEwe
  • That sounds like a wonderful gift from your BM, and in your shoes, I absolutely would accept. (I got my hair done, but I did my own makeup.)

    one question - if people show up at your place ready/dressed, aren't you guys going to eat anything for lunch? i got my hair done in the am, but ate lunch before the makeup and getting dressed. i would have been afraid to spill something on myself before the ceremony.

    My mom chose not to go to the salon on the morning of the wedding, so I met up with her at MIL's house afterwards. (MIL had lunch available and the girls got dressed/ready there.) We did some formal pics there (none of the BMs getting ready, although they got a few shots of the FGs primping) - but anyone who didn't go to the salon or get dressed at MIL's house showed up already dressed/ready. My Mom has never complained about this, so to my knowledge was completely fine with the arrangements. 

    My suggestion would be to tell your mom that you plan to be at the salon from about 9-11 with BM, and that anyone else who would like to come would be welcome. (you can help them arrange appointments.) If they choose not to go to the salon to have their hair done, they can meet at your apartment after 11:30 (or you can offer to give her a key if you are comfortable with her letting herself in earlier.)
  • primafaba15primafaba15
    100 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary
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    edited June 2015
    I do have 4 full hours. I guess part of the problem is that for reasons I don't fully understand, my mother is saying that this timing means she will not be coming before the wedding at all. It sounds like she will get my sister there in time to ride in the limo with us, but maybe not even sister/MOH will be with me earlier than that. 

    The <10 of my relatives that are coming are staying in 3 different hotels, none of them convenient to each other or the ceremony (my parents ignored my recommendations on location) or to the hotels FI's family or our friends are using -- so I was not sure how to book transportation. My parents told me not to worry about it and they would handle it as they are handling the hotel reservations. It turns out they are handling it with their own cars, which I think is part of the problem. I guess this is on me. I still don't really understand how the scheduling is causing this problem. 
  • *Barbie* said:
    one question - if people show up at your place ready/dressed, aren't you guys going to eat anything for lunch? i got my hair done in the am, but ate lunch before the makeup and getting dressed. i would have been afraid to spill something on myself before the ceremony.


    ....I will admit that I had completely forgotten about lunch, but you are right that we'll need to do that. Maybe I should ask people to come even later to make sure they have time to eat? I could have food at my place, but if they're showing up ready, that wouldn't work. I haven't actually set a timeline with the other 2 BMs yet; it's mostly been mom telling me what WILL happen with her and MOH and me figuring I'll just work things out with the other BMs on the side. 

    Since I have to go to the salon to get everything done, back to back seemed like the only way to go for me. I do have to buy my own lipstick for touch-ups, so I guess I could either do that OR eat a massive breakfast and stick to really non-messy foods for a snack later. 
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
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    edited June 2015
    "Mom, Dad, Sis, I am no longer willing to hear any more accusations from any of you of being 'silly,' 'ridiculous,' or 'self-centered' or 'having priorities out of whack' regarding my wedding. As far as I'm concerned, the subject is closed."

    And then stand firm that you won't discuss the subject any more. Bean dip or leave the room whenever one of them tries to bring it up.
    [Deleted User]MesmrEwe
  • kkcc2015kkcc2015
    100 Comments 100 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
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    edited July 2015


    *Barbie* said:

    one question - if people show up at your place ready/dressed, aren't you guys going to eat anything for lunch? i got my hair done in the am, but ate lunch before the makeup and getting dressed. i would have been afraid to spill something on myself before the ceremony.


    ....I will admit that I had completely forgotten about lunch, but you are right that we'll need to do that. Maybe I should ask people to come even later to make sure they have time to eat? I could have food at my place, but if they're showing up ready, that wouldn't work. I haven't actually set a timeline with the other 2 BMs yet; it's mostly been mom telling me what WILL happen with her and MOH and me figuring I'll just work things out with the other BMs on the side. 

    Since I have to go to the salon to get everything done, back to back seemed like the only way to go for me. I do have to buy my own lipstick for touch-ups, so I guess I could either do that OR eat a massive breakfast and stick to really non-messy foods for a snack later. 
    I had my hair/makeup done and ate after-as long as you have lipstick for touch ups, you'll be just fine. I think your mom is pouting, and that's not on you.
  • I do have 4 full hours. I guess part of the problem is that for reasons I don't fully understand, my mother is saying that this timing means she will not be coming before the wedding at all. It sounds like she will get my sister there in time to ride in the limo with us, but maybe not even sister/MOH will be with me earlier than that. 

    The <10 of my relatives that are coming are staying in 3 different hotels, none of them convenient to each other or the ceremony (my parents ignored my recommendations on location) or to the hotels FI's family or our friends are using -- so I was not sure how to book transportation. My parents told me not to worry about it and they would handle it as they are handling the hotel reservations. It turns out they are handling it with their own cars, which I think is part of the problem. I guess this is on me. I still don't really understand how the scheduling is causing this problem. 
    Full four hours of alone time and time with your bridesmaid sounds like a wonderful time!  If your family is being this needy NOW, I would never want to spend time with them on the Day of my wedding.  "Mom, am I understanding right that you won't be coming over before the wedding?  Okay, so you'll meet us at the ceremony location at X time for some family pictures?  Great!  I'll see you then."  Then have fun in the morning at the salon getting your hair and makeup done,  Have a ham and cheese sandwich or cold pizza waiting for you for lunch.  Put on your dress and go get family photos taken.  Then get married!!! Woohoo!
  • beachyone15beachyone15 TEXAS (the home of my exes)
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    *Barbie* said:
    one question - if people show up at your place ready/dressed, aren't you guys going to eat anything for lunch? i got my hair done in the am, but ate lunch before the makeup and getting dressed. i would have been afraid to spill something on myself before the ceremony.


    ....I will admit that I had completely forgotten about lunch, but you are right that we'll need to do that. Maybe I should ask people to come even later to make sure they have time to eat? I could have food at my place, but if they're showing up ready, that wouldn't work. I haven't actually set a timeline with the other 2 BMs yet; it's mostly been mom telling me what WILL happen with her and MOH and me figuring I'll just work things out with the other BMs on the side. 

    Since I have to go to the salon to get everything done, back to back seemed like the only way to go for me. I do have to buy my own lipstick for touch-ups, so I guess I could either do that OR eat a massive breakfast and stick to really non-messy foods for a snack later. 
    Definitely eat something and make sure your BMs eat too! My MOH almost passed out in the middle of our ceremony because she didn't eat anything that morning (even though I kept reminding her!). It was REALLY hard for me to focus on eating anything the morning of our wedding but I knew it was important and would help with the nervous energy. I'd recommend things that are easy to eat like mini muffins, small sandwiches, fruit, cheese/crackers.

    And I agree with PPs that your mom is being ridiculous. What a thoughtful gift from your BM! Don't back down on this one.


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    [Deleted User]Heffalump
  • eating is very important. don't skip lunch - even if you have something light to hold you over until dinner. you wouldn't want to pass out or feel sick from not eating. MIL ordered a few trays of fruit and veggies, some hummus and a sandwich/cold cuts platter. That was more than enough for the bridal party and family members that were at their house and the church (the guys got ready at the church, so we sent some of the food over to them). 

    mrsconn23MesmrEwe
  • *Barbie* said:
    eating is very important. don't skip lunch - even if you have something light to hold you over until dinner. you wouldn't want to pass out or feel sick from not eating. MIL ordered a few trays of fruit and veggies, some hummus and a sandwich/cold cuts platter. That was more than enough for the bridal party and family members that were at their house and the church (the guys got ready at the church, so we sent some of the food over to them). 

    YES!  We got Subway on our way back to my house from hair appts. and had it for lunch before we left for the church.  The guys were at MIL's and she's always fully stocked at her house.  

    Not eating on your wedding day is a HUGE mistake. If you're a scheduler, put it in the itinerary for the day to take 20-30 min to eat.  
  • Yes - this one you get the "It's MY DAY!" card...  Use it wisely...  Unless your relatives are coming in from somewhere overseas and can't drive because their village doesn't have cars, it's your guests' responsibility to arrange THEIR OWN transportation!  If your parents choose to arrange the transportation instead of being with you the morning of the wedding because that is THEIR priority, it's on them, not you... 

    And yes, set firm that you are getting your hair done (YES, wedding hair and makeup DOES take the time!), and after this, if they try to bring it up "Bean Dip!"

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  • (I'm also in the <high five> to your BM for such an awesome and incredibly generous gift idea!!!!!!)
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  • primafaba15primafaba15
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    edited July 2015
    Thanks so much everyone for the feedback.  My father's reaction was so vehement that I was really starting to think I was missing something here. My FI backed me up, but he's always on my side, so it's helpful to know that no, random internet strangers think this is OK too :) 

    Fortunately, I think the situation has resolved itself at least temporarily, though stupidly. I hadn't made a huge deal about having mom and sister there to get ready because I figured that was a given. Evidently in the absence of me making a REALLY BIG DEAL about how important my mother and sister were, they jumped to the conclusion that I cared about the other BMs more than them and had no interest in having them present. The last conversation ended in my parents literally hanging up on me, and I haven't heard from them since other than scattered texts, but I think it's blown over...? 

    My mother for some reason has a lot of hostility towards the other two BMs and in particular the awesome AWESOME BM who is gifting this (and is just otherwise my best girl friend). Honestly, I'd have vastly preferred to make her MOH had it not been awkwardly understood for the past decade that that honor would go to my sister. 

    @adk19, I agree that at this point I'm not sure I do want to spend much of my wedding day with my mother or my sister/MOH. But, she's my mom, and not only am I worried I'll regret brushing her off later, but honestly having to explain to my doting and confused in-laws one more of these situations would be so humiliating. It was awkward enough when mom tried to keep them from throwing me a shower because it wouldn't be fair to MOH (they're out of state and it's been made clear that it's a burden even for her to take off 2 work days for my wedding). 

    My relatives are just coming from the Midwest to New England (though I suspect they feel like it's a foreign country :)).  I think part of this is that my parents were always angry at having to figure out their own arrangements for family weddings, and part of it is that they are very aware and seem to want me to be too that my wedding is a terrible expense and inconvenience for my family. 

    ETA: Thank you ALL also for your reminders about lunch and suggestions about ways we could do food! I am so glad you mentioned that because it had completely slipped my mind. As it turns out, other two BMs have every intention of getting dressed here, so I think we'll be able to figure something out for the 3 of us at least. 
    MesmrEwe
  • Thanks so much everyone for the feedback.  My father's reaction was so vehement that I was really starting to think I was missing something here. My FI backed me up, but he's always on my side, so it's helpful to know that no, random internet strangers think this is OK too :) 


    Fortunately, I think the situation has resolved itself at least temporarily, though stupidly. I hadn't made a huge deal about having mom and sister there to get ready because I figured that was a given. Evidently in the absence of me making a REALLY BIG DEAL about how important my mother and sister were, they jumped to the conclusion that I cared about the other BMs more than them and had no interest in having them present. The last conversation ended in my parents literally hanging up on me, and I haven't heard from them since other than scattered texts, but I think it's blown over...? 

    My mother for some reason has a lot of hostility towards the other two BMs and in particular the awesome AWESOME BM who is gifting this (and is just otherwise my best girl friend). Honestly, I'd have vastly preferred to make her MOH had it not been awkwardly understood for the past decade that that honor would go to my sister. 

    @adk19, I agree that at this point I'm not sure I do want to spend much of my wedding day with my mother or my sister/MOH. But, she's my mom, and not only am I worried I'll regret brushing her off later, but honestly having to explain to my doting and confused in-laws one more of these situations would be so humiliating. It was awkward enough when mom tried to keep them from throwing me a shower because it wouldn't be fair to MOH (they're out of state and it's been made clear that it's a burden even for her to take off 2 work days for my wedding). 

    My relatives are just coming from the Midwest to New England (though I suspect they feel like it's a foreign country :)).  I think part of this is that my parents were always angry at having to figure out their own arrangements for family weddings, and part of it is that they are very aware and seem to want me to be too that my wedding is a terrible expense and inconvenience for my family. 

    ETA: Thank you ALL also for your reminders about lunch and suggestions about ways we could do food! I am so glad you mentioned that because it had completely slipped my mind. As it turns out, other two BMs have every intention of getting dressed here, so I think we'll be able to figure something out for the 3 of us at least. 
    If you're wedding is such a big inconvenience, I would seriously ask them why they are bothering to come to it. Stand your ground and enjoy your special gift and the day itself. Don't worry about what your first family thinks. Time to concentrate on your family- to- be who love and respect you and your wishes.
  • I just wanted to echo what other PPs have said. This is one example of a time when it is fine to put yourself first and accept the gift your BM has given you, spend some time with her and your other BMs and really enjoy it.

    Please try not to feel guilty about your parents' reaction to this, it sounds odd and it's probably to do with them feeling insecure about something or other (maybe your FIs family as they sound very supportive?). However there is nothing you can do about it and either they will come around to your ideas or they won't, and that's for them to swallow. Not you.

    Good luck and have a lovely day xx
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    [Deleted User]
  • I can really identify with you, OP.  My wedding day wasn't a peaceful one.  I did my own hair and makeup.  (Budget bride)  My mother, who was a total narcissist, kept demanding that I stop whatever I was doing (my hair) and come tend to her needs.  Finally, my sister (my MOH) grabbed my arm and yelled, "Get in my car!  You can finish getting ready at the church!"  This was the most wonderful thing she has ever done for me.  Mom was still screeching when we pulled out.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    MesmrEwespockforprez
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