Children/Invite Issue

arrrghmatey

I'm hoping you ladies could give me some insight and advice.

My FI and I decided that we did not want to invite any children to our wedding except for my nieces and nephews, both for budget reasons and for personal reasons (I'll be honest, I'm not a fan of kids). I have a lot of cousins and friends who have children and know that the kids will not be invited. 

This afternoon I received a text from a good friend of mine in another state asking me which airport to fly into for our wedding. Up until today I had silently assumed she and her husband weren't coming because they will have a 20 month old and a 5 month old at the time of our wedding. I replied back with "Oh, you and husband are coming?? I'm glad to hear that! Flying into the so-and-so airport is best."

Then she replied with, "It will either be just me or me and 5 month old "

Part of me wants to just say "Okay, great!" and let her bring the 5 month old. My biggest issue with that, though, would be all of our other guests, who understood that their children weren't being invited, becoming upset that the exception was being given to someone else. 

Do I just let her bring the baby and deal with people becoming upset? Or do I stick to my guns and tell her "sorry, but the invite is just for you and your husband. We are not inviting children outside of the wedding party"? Is there a better way to say it?

Thanks, all.

EDIT: Just to ad when I sent out the STDs, it was addressed to just her and her husband. The invites won't be sent out for several more weeks (wedding is in November).

Jen4948

I'd just tell her, "I'm sorry for the confusion, but only you and your husband are invited.  We hope you can come and look forward to seeing you."  Don't mention that the 5 month old isn't invited unless she gives pushback.  Then you can say, "I'm sorry, but we can't accommodate 5 month old.  We hope you and your husband can still make it."

frenchiekin

Is this the only infant out of all of the children of your guests whose kids are not invited?  If so, I would say MAYBE make the exception for just this guest, only if having her there is more important than not having her baby there.  I think if your other guests with uninvited children don't have infants, it may not make people as upset.  In my eyes, a small infant is different than a rambunctious 4 year old.

FWIW, we are also having a child-free wedding for the same reasons, and this would be the only situation I would *maybe* consider making an exception for, but only if I'd be really upset if that guest weren't there.  Of course, that's the risk (for lack of a better word) you are taking when you don't invite children - some parents just won't be able to come.  I say just decide what is more important to you.  It's your/your FIs decision.

arrrghmatey

frenchiekin said:

Is this the only infant out of all of the children of your guests whose kids are not invited?  If so, I would say MAYBE make the exception for just this guest, only if having her there is more important than not having her baby there.  I think if your other guests with uninvited children don't have infants, it may not make people as upset.  In my eyes, a small infant is different than a rambunctious 4 year old.

FWIW, we are also having a child-free wedding for the same reasons, and this would be the only situation I would *maybe* consider making an exception for, but only if I'd be really upset if that guest weren't there.  Of course, that's the risk (for lack of a better word) you are taking when you don't invite children - some parents just won't be able to come.  I say just decide what is more important to you.  It's your/your FIs decision.

No. I have cousins who have children who will be ranging in ages 4 months to 3 years old. Some friends have 1 or 2 years old. And I agree with you--if she were the only person with an infant, I would make an exception. But…not the case here. I would love for her to come, but I've been prepared for her not to make it because of having to travel a far distance with such young kids (same for other guests with kids--I do understand that it will prevent some people from coming).

frenchiekin

arrrghmatey said:

frenchiekin said:

Is this the only infant out of all of the children of your guests whose kids are not invited?  If so, I would say MAYBE make the exception for just this guest, only if having her there is more important than not having her baby there.  I think if your other guests with uninvited children don't have infants, it may not make people as upset.  In my eyes, a small infant is different than a rambunctious 4 year old.

FWIW, we are also having a child-free wedding for the same reasons, and this would be the only situation I would *maybe* consider making an exception for, but only if I'd be really upset if that guest weren't there.  Of course, that's the risk (for lack of a better word) you are taking when you don't invite children - some parents just won't be able to come.  I say just decide what is more important to you.  It's your/your FIs decision.

No. I have cousins who have children who will be ranging in ages 4 months to 3 years old. Some friends have 1 or 2 years old. And I agree with you--if she were the only person with an infant, I would make an exception. But…not the case here.

Then I really wouldn't.  I'd follow Jen's advice and let her know asap, before she books flights.  I am pretty sure infants are free of charge on planes, but if you tell her that only she and her husband are invited, she may end up deciding not to come after all (who knows).  

[Deleted User]

frenchiekin said:

arrrghmatey said:

frenchiekin said:

Is this the only infant out of all of the children of your guests whose kids are not invited?  If so, I would say MAYBE make the exception for just this guest, only if having her there is more important than not having her baby there.  I think if your other guests with uninvited children don't have infants, it may not make people as upset.  In my eyes, a small infant is different than a rambunctious 4 year old.

FWIW, we are also having a child-free wedding for the same reasons, and this would be the only situation I would *maybe* consider making an exception for, but only if I'd be really upset if that guest weren't there.  Of course, that's the risk (for lack of a better word) you are taking when you don't invite children - some parents just won't be able to come.  I say just decide what is more important to you.  It's your/your FIs decision.

No. I have cousins who have children who will be ranging in ages 4 months to 3 years old. Some friends have 1 or 2 years old. And I agree with you--if she were the only person with an infant, I would make an exception. But…not the case here.

Then I really wouldn't.  I'd follow Jen's advice and let her know asap, before she books flights.  I am pretty sure infants are free of charge on planes, but if you tell her that only she and her husband are invited, she may end up deciding not to come after all (who knows).  

I agree.  "I'm sorry for any confusion, but the invitation was only for you and your husband."

arrrghmatey

Thanks, ladies. A very good point was brought up above: tell her sooner rather than later, since she was obviously looking at flights. I got in touch with her and said exactly that, "Oh…I'm very sorry of the confusion, but the invite was only for your and husband. "

Turns out she was very okay with it, and said it just makes her decision to come alone even easier, and that she is looking forward to a baby-free weekend. So I was freaking out over nothing. At least it gave me practice in case any other guests jump to the same conclusion once invites go out.

frenchiekin

arrrghmatey said:

Thanks, ladies. A very good point was brought up above: tell her sooner rather than later, since she was obviously looking at flights. I got in touch with her and said exactly that, "Oh…I'm very sorry of the confusion, but the invite was only for your and husband. "

Turns out she was very okay with it, and said it just makes her decision to come alone even easier, and that she is looking forward to a baby-free weekend. So I was freaking out over nothing. At least it gave me practice in case any other guests jump to the same conclusion once invites go out.

So glad it worked out... gives me hope that mine will be as easy in a couple of months!

Knottie91800232

I just had my first awkward "we're only inviting adults" conversation with a cousin that I'd been dreading. Went way better than I expected. She was totally fine with it. I think most level-headed parents understand. I've also had the mom with the infant ask if hers can be the exception to our no-kids wedding, um… that conversation was actually really easy too, because when you explain how that exception would make other parents feel, they get it. Just wanted to throw that out there because I'd been nervous about having these conversations for months, ever since we decided not to invite kids to our wedding, and so far "knock on wood" it hasn't been nearly as bad as I feared. We just started getting invite responses though, so fingers crossed.

huskypuppy14

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Kids are guests just like anyone else. Don't worry about what other people with kids feel if they see other children at your wedding and theirs were not invited. In the OP situation it seems she did the right thing. But people can invite some children and not others (as long as you don't invite some  minor siblings and not others), and it's rude for guests to question your guest list. It is wise to use circles, but you're not required to.

We invited every child on my mom's side, no children on my dad's side, every child on my husband's side (only 1), and one of the groomsman's sons (the only wedding party member with children). We had many other friends that were invited without their children. Not one person asked to bring their child.