Wedding party lives far away

snowywinter

Hi guys. I'm having a small wedding and am just barely in the planning stages. Basically, I was a small bridal party since the wedding itself will be small. However, my maid of honor (my sister) and my bridesmaids (my cousins) live on the other side of the country, so while they will be in my wedding party, the wedding will be up to me to plan without any help from them for the most part.

However, I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc. I'd really like to enlist their help in planning all of it, but I feel bad asking them for all this help when they're not even in the wedding. Is there any kind of honorary thing I can do to show them how much it means to me?

climbingsingle

Why do you need so much help from other people? My husband and I planned our entire wedding ourselves.

AddieCake

Yeah, my husband and I managed to plan our entire wedding ourselves,and even that was minimal help from him, so basically I did it myself. I don't understand what you need the bridal party to do. 

If you are going to ask these local people to help plan your wedding, you need to PAY them, not come up with some way to honor them. 

snowywinter

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

climbingsingle

Yeah, I get your friends being excited. My group of friends and I have known each other for 20 years. I don't understand why you need their help to plan your wedding.

If someone offers to throw you a shower, great. You can show your appreciation by getting them a gift. After that, I'm still not understanding what you require assistance for. My H and I literally did everything ourselves - choosing the venue, food, DJ, sending invitations, making the centerpieces, etc.

lovegood90

Knottie1434918845 said:

Hi guys. I'm having a small wedding and am just barely in the planning stages. Basically, I was a small bridal party since the wedding itself will be small. However, my maid of honor (my sister) and my bridesmaids (my cousins) live on the other side of the country, so while they will be in my wedding party, the wedding will be up to me to plan without any help from them for the most part.

However, I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc. I'd really like to enlist their help in planning all of it, but I feel bad asking them for all this help when they're not even in the wedding. Is there any kind of honorary thing I can do to show them how much it means to me?

Planning your wedding is the responsibility of you and your H- not your wedding party/friends, despite what the wedding industry tells you. If you need help, you need to hire people.

snowywinter

Again, I'm not asking for help. THEY have already started planning. In fact, since I started this thread, I got a text from my best friend asking if I want to go wedding dress shopping next Saturday. I never once even asked for their help. Am I supposed to say "no thanks, I'd rather not go shopping with you unless I pay you?"

AddieCake

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

I'd be a little weirded out if one of my friends did this. If my BEST friend did it, meh...not as odd, I guess, but then she would be in my wedding party, being my BFF and all. I can't imagine putting together a binder for a friend's wedding that I'm not close enough to be in the WP for. 

snowywinter

Well, we are very close (and the one with the binder is my BFF), but I didn't ask her to be a BM because I have four girlfriends I'm extremely close to and have been since we were in HS. We're all BFFs, but if I put all four of them in the wedding, along with my sister and 3 cousins, that's a much bigger wedding party than I want, considering the guest list is only 30 people.

One of the other four got married two years ago (an intimate destination wedding that was very small) and we weren't in her wedding either. Only her sister was who was her maid of honor, but the others helped her plan everything from home. I was out of the country then, so I wasn't as big a part of all the plans as the others for her wedding, but I traveled to the wedding venue a few days early and helped out with last minute things.

Also, let me clarify something: when I said I wanted to "enlist" their help, I misspoke. I meant as far as opinions, etc. I certainly would never expect anyone to be getting quotes for me or anything of the sort. I'm talking about asking for advice/opinions/etc. For instance, I don't want to buy a wedding dress on my own because I want opinions on it from people I know will be honest if something looks horrendous on me. I had my heart set on two different venues and one of my friends went there with me to share her opinion. It's that kind of thing that I'm talking about. These are things that I have done in the past when I've been in bridal parties.

AddieCake

Why don't you take them out for a nice girls lunch?

lovegood90

Knottie1434918845 said:

Again, I'm not asking for help. THEY have already started planning. In fact, since I started this thread, I got a text from my best friend asking if I want to go wedding dress shopping next Saturday. I never once even asked for their help. Am I supposed to say "no thanks, I'd rather not go shopping with you unless I pay you?"

Okay, but you're clearly implying that you expect others to help you from your first post- "the wedding will be up to me to plan without any help from them."

I'm just saying that if people freely offer to help then fine you can accept, but I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling.

climbingsingle

I find it strange that a friend is essentially planning your wedding dress shopping. How old are you? Serious question.

I picked a day to go wedding dress shopping. And I then invited people to go with me.

snowywinter

lovegood90 said:

Again, I'm not asking for help. THEY have already started planning. In fact, since I started this thread, I got a text from my best friend asking if I want to go wedding dress shopping next Saturday. I never once even asked for their help. Am I supposed to say "no thanks, I'd rather not go shopping with you unless I pay you?"

Okay, but you're clearly implying that you expect others to help you from your first post- "the wedding will be up to me to plan without any help from them." I'm just saying that if people freely offer to help then fine you can accept, but I'm pointing out that the attitude you have of automatically expecting people outside of you and your Fi to help is troubling.

I never had any such attitude. I never automatically expected anyone to help. THEY are the ones who are excited and wanting to help.

As for the other question another poster asked, I am 27. I don't know, I guess you guys are just from different backgrounds than I am. I go shopping with these friends all the time and have since we were buying prom dresses, then graduation dresses, college formal dresses, and now as adults, banquet dresses, etc. So going wedding dress shopping together doesn't sound the least bit strange to me.

WinstonsGirl

My BFF/MOH lives about 24 hours away from me.  She was there on my wedding day and that was all I expected.  Plan this with your FI, as others have said.  Also, I wouldn't be including friends too much if they're not invited to the wedding.  You haven't really said if they're invited, so maybe you can clarify that??  Otherwise, if they're offering, yes, treat them to lunch one day after dress shopping perhaps, but don't rely on them.  It's not their job nor your WP's job to help you plan.  It's your FI's job to help you  

snowywinter

Of course they're invited.

AddieCake

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

climbingsingle

AddieCake said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

snowywinter

climbingwife said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

I don't remember ever saying they made the appointment for me. You came up with that part.

mrscomposer

Knottie1434918845 said:

Hi guys. I'm having a small wedding and am just barely in the planning stages. Basically, I was a small bridal party since the wedding itself will be small. However, my maid of honor (my sister) and my bridesmaids (my cousins) live on the other side of the country, so while they will be in my wedding party, the wedding will be up to me to plan without any help from them for the most part.

However, I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc. I'd really like to enlist their help in planning all of it, but I feel bad asking them for all this help when they're not even in the wedding. Is there any kind of honorary thing I can do to show them how much it means to me?

PPs have you covered.  Take them out for a lunch, or give them a thank you gift of some kind - whatever you'd do to thank them if they were helping you with, say, planning an anniversary party for your parents.  The fact that it's your wedding doesn't really have to have anything to do with it.

My BMs were, on average, 10 hours away from me.  They showed up the weekend of the wedding, and that was that.  Nobody helped me plan my wedding except for my fiancé, because, y'know, it was our wedding.  The only people we needed opinions from were the two of us, since it was our shindig.  The girls in our church group planned a shower for me, and I wrote them thank you notes and gave them flowers.

I made a trip home a few months before the wedding and they came dress shopping with me - same as you, for opinions... plus, I knew it was going to be the only time I'd see them until the wedding, so we made a day of it.

Maybe my BFF and I aren't as close as you and your BFF... but if she started a planning binder for me (or if I went crazy and started one for her), the appropriate, expected, and vehement response would be "WTF, dude?!"  Sending a random pin or picture, sure.  A binder?  Yowza.

snowywinter

Yeah, my BFF and I are definitely different. Just the way our relationship is. Thanks for the advice though. I do think I'll make a girls day out of it and take them to lunch at some point and maybe a spa day or mani/pedis at least.

Thanks!

JBee85

Knottie1434918845 said:

climbingwife said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

I don't remember ever saying they made the appointment for me. You came up with that part.

Even I am getting very confused with your mixed messaging. Read your first post again:

"I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc"

If they are setting dates aside, then they are booking appointment or telling you which days they are available to come? The meaning here is vague and it usually means making appointments. That's the part where people don't understand what you mean. So please don't be nasty to the posters here who are taking time out of their schedule to respond to your concerns or questions. 

I agree- your local friends should not be assisting with any planning or choosing a venue. That decision is REALLY up to you and your future husband. Though they might mean well, there needs to be boundaries in place so they will not make your wedding theirs. I have seen a lot of wedding drama result from friends getting way too involved in a friend's wedding planning. So be careful.

climbingsingle

Your friend who is not in your wedding texted you and asked if you wanted to go shopping for your dress next weekend. This is strange to me. Why are you not choosing a day and then asking the people you'd like to accompany you? I'm sorry, but a lot of this seems childish. Why would you not have your FI help you choose a venue?? You seriously chose a friend to help you with that instead?

snowywinter

JBee85 said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

climbingwife said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

I don't remember ever saying they made the appointment for me. You came up with that part.

Even I am getting very confused with your mixed messaging. Read your first post again:

"I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc"

If they are setting dates aside, then they are booking appointment or telling you which days they are available to come? The meaning here is vague and it usually means making appointments. That's the part where people don't understand what you mean. So please don't be nasty to the posters here who are taking time out of their schedule to respond to your concerns or questions. 

I agree- your local friends should not be assisting with any planning or choosing a venue. That decision is REALLY up to you and your future husband. Though they might mean well, there needs to be boundaries in place so they will not make your wedding theirs. I have seen a lot of wedding drama result from friends getting way too involved in a friend's wedding planning. So be careful.

Thank you for your post. I do understand how it could be confusing given my wording. It wasn't my intention to be nasty, but I felt immediately judged just because my friends and I are very close and they want to help. My question was how to honor them and while a few posters were very helpful with suggestions, I was immediately being made to feel that I was a horrible person for daring to accept their help without paying them or whatnot. Even if that was the case, I just didn't appreciate the snark when I'm asking for advice.

Anyway, to answer your question: my fiance is currently deployed (and has said multiple times whatever I want is absolutely fine with him) and I have no family where I am. So basically, it's just me until he comes home. My friends have been great about giving advice and opinions and while many here may not appreciate that with their friends, *I* do. I like that I have friends to turn to to say "do you think people will care if we serve only beer and wine instead of a full bar?" or "do you think a winter wedding up north will be inconvenient for my family, most of whom are in California?" I told my BF that I wanted to go wedding dress shopping the first weekend in August and invited her to join me. Unfortunately, I didn't realize I had a work engagement that weekend so I had to cancel, which is what I meant when I said she'd already set the date aside. That was really what prompted me to come here to ask my question. I felt so fortunate to have friends like her. Then while I was posting, she texted and asked if I'd like to go next weekend instead since we're both off work.

It really isn't as weird as people are making it out to be, at least not in my life. In my world, this is all very normal friendship stuff. Of course if my fiance was here, I'd do it all with him. Then again, if my mother was here, I'd be doing all this with her. But neither are here and it's just me, so it feels good to have some very close friends who think I'm important enough that they're willing to help.

lyndausvi

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

That is just weird.   Even if she was in the wedding party that would be just weird. 

I guess I do not understand why they can't be WP members if they are your BFFs?  ::shrugs::

FWIW - 100% of my WP was a plane ride away from me.  100% of my family is also a plane ride away.  My location was also a plane ride away from us (yet a only a drive for my WP and most of the family).    My sister/MOH helped me out via the internet when she could (she has 3 kids). Other than that it was DH, me and my parents (who helped pay) planning everything over the phone and internet. 

snowywinter

lyndausvi said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

That is just weird.   Even if she was in the wedding party that would be just weird. 

I guess I do not understand why they can't be WP members if they are your BFFs?  ::shrugs::

FWIW - 100% of my WP was a plane ride away from me.  100% of my family is also a plane ride away.  My location was also a plane ride away from us (yet a only a drive for my WP and most of the family).    My sister/MOH helped me out via the internet when she could (she has 3 kids). Other than that it was DH, me and my parents (who helped pay) planning everything over the phone and internet.
 

That's great! I'm glad you were able to do that. I am not. Think it's weird. Think whatever you want. Again, I have to reiterate, this is what is happening. I am not asking for advice on how to get around it. I am not asking if I'm doing the right thing by sharing this with my friends. I am not asking if this is weird. I'm asking a very simple question about how to honor them for their support and that has now been answered by a few people, to whom I am grateful.

SP29

Your wedding party is not required to help you to plan anything- they have no role, except as people to stand up beside you as guests of honour in the agreed upon attire.

As for your local friends, that's great you have such supportive friends. I assume they are offering help because they want to. As long as you aren't expecting them to do things for you, or handing out tasks, it is perfectly fine for you to accept their help.

Besides asking them to be in your wedding party (but that ship has sailed), please don't give them silly "honourary" titles that aren't honourary at all (I'm thinking like "bridal attendant", etc). If you wanted, you could ask one or more to do a reading, but that's only if you want to. You could let them know they are welcome to get ready with you the morning of (if they want to).

Otherwise, you could get them each a small gift, or I think taking them all out to lunch is a very nice gesture .

As long as you are appreciative of what they are offering I am sure they will be happy to continue to help.

snowywinter

SP29 said:

Your wedding party is not required to help you to plan anything- they have no role, except as people to stand up beside you as guests of honour in the agreed upon attire.

As for your local friends, that's great you have such supportive friends. I assume they are offering help because they want to. As long as you aren't expecting them to do things for you, or handing out tasks, it is perfectly fine for you to accept their help.

Besides asking them to be in your wedding party (but that ship has sailed), please don't give them silly "honourary" titles that aren't honourary at all (I'm thinking like "bridal attendant", etc). If you wanted, you could ask one or more to do a reading, but that's only if you want to.

Otherwise, you could get them each a small gift, or I think taking them all out to lunch is a very nice gesture .

As long as you are appreciative of what they are offering I am sure they will be happy to continue to help.

Thank you! I am thinking of the lunch thing and making a girl's day out of it. No, I wasn't thinking of doing an honorary title or anything. I just wanted to take them out or something. I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids because it's a small wedding and I wanted a small WP.

SP29

Knottie1434918845 said:

SP29 said:

Your wedding party is not required to help you to plan anything- they have no role, except as people to stand up beside you as guests of honour in the agreed upon attire.

As for your local friends, that's great you have such supportive friends. I assume they are offering help because they want to. As long as you aren't expecting them to do things for you, or handing out tasks, it is perfectly fine for you to accept their help.

Besides asking them to be in your wedding party (but that ship has sailed), please don't give them silly "honourary" titles that aren't honourary at all (I'm thinking like "bridal attendant", etc). If you wanted, you could ask one or more to do a reading, but that's only if you want to.

Otherwise, you could get them each a small gift, or I think taking them all out to lunch is a very nice gesture .

As long as you are appreciative of what they are offering I am sure they will be happy to continue to help.

Thank you! I am thinking of the lunch thing and making a girl's day out of it. No, I wasn't thinking of doing an honorary title or anything. I just wanted to take them out or something. I didn't ask them to be bridesmaids because it's a small wedding and I wanted a small WP.

And that is perfectly fine too! I also had a small WP. A MOH, a BM and a flower girl. I still had other friends who helped plan and carry out my bridal shower and bacchelorette party. My current BF isn't having a wedding party at all. Two other friends and I, along with her mom, still planned and hosted a bridal shower for her (today actually!). I don't expect a gift or anything, and I'm not upset that I'm not in her WP (even if she was my MOH), her thanks is enough and I did it because I wanted to.

snowywinter

Thank you SP29! Much appreciated!

MyNameIsNot

JBee85 said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

climbingwife said:

Nobody is saying taking your friends wedding dress shopping is strange. I took my 2 bridesmaids with me. 

Exactly. My friends came with me to pick out my dress. What they didn't do is make the appointment for me. That's odd.

I don't remember ever saying they made the appointment for me. You came up with that part.

Even I am getting very confused with your mixed messaging. Read your first post again:

"I have several friends here locally who have already been so supportive and helpful already with choosing a venue, dates, setting aside dates for wedding dress shopping with me, already talking about planning a shower, etc"

If they are setting dates aside, then they are booking appointment or telling you which days they are available to come? The meaning here is vague and it usually means making appointments. That's the part where people don't understand what you mean. So please don't be nasty to the posters here who are taking time out of their schedule to respond to your concerns or questions. 

I agree- your local friends should not be assisting with any planning or choosing a venue. That decision is REALLY up to you and your future husband. Though they might mean well, there needs to be boundaries in place so they will not make your wedding theirs. I have seen a lot of wedding drama result from friends getting way too involved in a friend's wedding planning. So be careful.

This! Making binders and deciding what day you will be dress shopping is way too pushy. People ask how old you are because it is surprising the a grown woman wouldn't want to do these things for herself.

While I'm sure your friends mean well, I don't think this is going to turn out well. With a paid wedding planner, you can put your foot down and do it your way. With friends, that doesn't always go well. Boundaries are important. 

PrettyGirlLost

Knottie1434918845 said:

lyndausvi said:

Knottie1434918845 said:

They're very good friends I've known for years and I doubt they'd ever take money. They're excited about it and have already started planning it. One even bought a binder and began labeling different ideas she had for various things. They've known me and my fiance since we met and they're just happy for us.

That is just weird.   Even if she was in the wedding party that would be just weird. 

I guess I do not understand why they can't be WP members if they are your BFFs?  ::shrugs::

FWIW - 100% of my WP was a plane ride away from me.  100% of my family is also a plane ride away.  My location was also a plane ride away from us (yet a only a drive for my WP and most of the family).    My sister/MOH helped me out via the internet when she could (she has 3 kids). Other than that it was DH, me and my parents (who helped pay) planning everything over the phone and internet.
 

That's great! I'm glad you were able to do that. I am not. Think it's weird. Think whatever you want. Again, I have to reiterate, this is what is happening. I am not asking for advice on how to get around it. I am not asking if I'm doing the right thing by sharing this with my friends. I am not asking if this is weird. I'm asking a very simple question about how to honor them for their support and that has now been answered by a few people, to whom I am grateful.

You make them BMs.  That is literally the point of a BM- a role of honor conferred upon them by the bride.

And regardless of what you are specifically asking, people will likely comment on the entire content of your posts. . . it's kind of how discussion boards work.