Revoke Invitation??

mishilish

If anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation below I am accepting of ALL viewpoints and need some suggestions on how you have/would /know someone who has handled a situation like this?

Situation: 

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. 

My father had two kids 20 years before I came around from another marriage. Due to the situation I didn't grow up knowing my half brother and half sister very well (if at all). I saw my sister more growing up through the years than I did my brother, in fact him and I didn't talk for 14 years and it wasn't until I was an adult that we re-connected. 

He's a bit of a hot head and from what I gather there is a lot of unresolved issues from their past that happened and seem to be still a concern in their relationship. 

3 weeks ago all hell broke loose and there was a BIG fight started (over nothing, and I mean that) which has resulted in my brother blocking my sister and her family from all social media, threats have been thrown out there from him about not coming to the wedding because everyone else is making him feel uncomfortable, etc. 

I made it VERY clear this week that there will be NO use of my wedding as a bargaining chip or a way to intimidate my sister and niece into talking to him to "hash out" everything before the wedding. They have respectfully asked him to deal with it after the wedding to not add more tension to the situation and affect MY day. I agree that this is something that needs to be dealt with after the wedding (only 3 weeks away) and he isn't respecting their wishes. 

It's very evident and clear from all sides that he is the problem and is trying to control the situation and using threats about not attending my wedding as a way to do so, he has thrown me under the bus to my sister and niece and acts like he and his family are ENTITLED to be there, again in an intimidating way. 

I could have "family friends" there to almost act as bouncers and discreetly ask him to leave should anything start. 
I could revoke his invitation entirely to avoid any stress or worry. 

My problem is if he comes, even if I'm prepared I'm afraid of the embarrassment this could cause me and the rest of my family, I'm also worried that I'll be pre-occupied and stressed worrying if he's going to cause a problem, and my mother doesn't feel I should have to be that way on my day. 

Any suggestions?!

- Confused in Canada

Maggie0829

mishilish said:

If anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation below I am accepting of ALL viewpoints and need some suggestions on how you have/would /know someone who has handled a situation like this?

Situation: 

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. 

My father had two kids 20 years before I came around from another marriage. Due to the situation I didn't grow up knowing my half brother and half sister very well (if at all). I saw my sister more growing up through the years than I did my brother, in fact him and I didn't talk for 14 years and it wasn't until I was an adult that we re-connected. 

He's a bit of a hot head and from what I gather there is a lot of unresolved issues from their past that happened and seem to be still a concern in their relationship. 

3 weeks ago all hell broke loose and there was a BIG fight started (over nothing, and I mean that) which has resulted in my brother blocking my sister and her family from all social media, threats have been thrown out there from him about not coming to the wedding because everyone else is making him feel uncomfortable, etc. 

I made it VERY clear this week that there will be NO use of my wedding as a bargaining chip or a way to intimidate my sister and niece into talking to him to "hash out" everything before the wedding. They have respectfully asked him to deal with it after the wedding to not add more tension to the situation and affect MY day. I agree that this is something that needs to be dealt with after the wedding (only 3 weeks away) and he isn't respecting their wishes. 

It's very evident and clear from all sides that he is the problem and is trying to control the situation and using threats about not attending my wedding as a way to do so, he has thrown me under the bus to my sister and niece and acts like he and his family are ENTITLED to be there, again in an intimidating way. 

I could have "family friends" there to almost act as bouncers and discreetly ask him to leave should anything start. 
I could revoke his invitation entirely to avoid any stress or worry. 

My problem is if he comes, even if I'm prepared I'm afraid of the embarrassment this could cause me and the rest of my family, I'm also worried that I'll be pre-occupied and stressed worrying if he's going to cause a problem, and my mother doesn't feel I should have to be that way on my day. 

Any suggestions?!

- Confused in Canada

Do not revoke his invite.  Seems like everyone knows exactly what he is trying to do and won't succumb to his "threats."

Do not use "family friends" as security.  Talk to your venue about the situation and if they will not remove someone from the building who acts out, then  you need to hire security.

Once that is in place, you need to not worry about this.  If he causes a scene it will make him look bad, not you.  Hopefully the rest of your family will not react and instead just let him make a complete ass out of himself.

All I know is that revoking his invite will just cause you more stress and issues then just letting things go however they will.

photokitty

mishilish said:

If anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation below I am accepting of ALL viewpoints and need some suggestions on how you have/would /know someone who has handled a situation like this?

Situation: 

I'm getting married in 3 weeks. 

My father had two kids 20 years before I came around from another marriage. Due to the situation I didn't grow up knowing my half brother and half sister very well (if at all). I saw my sister more growing up through the years than I did my brother, in fact him and I didn't talk for 14 years and it wasn't until I was an adult that we re-connected. 

He's a bit of a hot head and from what I gather there is a lot of unresolved issues from their past that happened and seem to be still a concern in their relationship. 

3 weeks ago all hell broke loose and there was a BIG fight started (over nothing, and I mean that) which has resulted in my brother blocking my sister and her family from all social media, threats have been thrown out there from him about not coming to the wedding because everyone else is making him feel uncomfortable, etc. 

I made it VERY clear this week that there will be NO use of my wedding as a bargaining chip or a way to intimidate my sister and niece into talking to him to "hash out" everything before the wedding. They have respectfully asked him to deal with it after the wedding to not add more tension to the situation and affect MY day. I agree that this is something that needs to be dealt with after the wedding (only 3 weeks away) and he isn't respecting their wishes. 

It's very evident and clear from all sides that he is the problem and is trying to control the situation and using threats about not attending my wedding as a way to do so, he has thrown me under the bus to my sister and niece and acts like he and his family are ENTITLED to be there, again in an intimidating way. 

I could have "family friends" there to almost act as bouncers and discreetly ask him to leave should anything start. 
I could revoke his invitation entirely to avoid any stress or worry. 

My problem is if he comes, even if I'm prepared I'm afraid of the embarrassment this could cause me and the rest of my family, I'm also worried that I'll be pre-occupied and stressed worrying if he's going to cause a problem, and my mother doesn't feel I should have to be that way on my day. 

Any suggestions?!

- Confused in Canada

You can't revoke an invitation without ending the relationship. You shouldn't revoke the invitation in this case, unless the "threats" actually included threats of physical injury. You would be in wrong if you revoked his invite bc of a verbal argument.

Seat him and your sister at different tables on opposite sided of the room. A seating chart is your friend. We have done this at 3 wedding with feuding uncles and have not had any trouble.

I would have my father handle any discussion and mediating between your siblings.

mishilish

Thank you both! I appreciate your insight  

We are hoping to have no issues, the threats escalated so far as to false accusations which could ruin my sister's career which is concerning, while it's not physical harm, it definitely isn't empty threats, he's done that before to her. 

Security seems to be the best option at this point. 

SP29

I wouldn't revoke the invitation unless you are willing to end your relationship with him.

Right now, he's being the ass, and he's doing a fine job of showing everyone else that he is the problem, so I wouldn't worry about that aspect so much. This fight, although you're getting dragged into it and you may disagree with him, is between he and your sister, not you and he.

If you talk to him about it, I would re-iterate to him that you would like him there as your brother but you will not tolerate any arguments, threats or comments on your wedding day made by him about your sister.

Likewise, re-iterate to your sister that you support her and you want her there at your wedding regardless of how much brother is being an ass-hat.

Personally, I would also get your dad involved with this so you can stay out of it. Sure, they're adults, but dad needs to tell his son to smarten up.

Ditto on the seating plan- sit them on opposite sides of the room with people they like and can talk to. Namely brother, and hopefully he'll be distracted having a good time with family and friends that he knows and leave your sister be.

Family eh? Good grief.

Jen4948

mishilish said:

Thank you both! I appreciate your insight  

We are hoping to have no issues, the threats escalated so far as to false accusations which could ruin my sister's career which is concerning, while it's not physical harm, it definitely isn't empty threats, he's done that before to her. 

Security seems to be the best option at this point. 

I agree.  And you need professional security.  That means hiring people to do it.  Don't expect any of your other guests to.

As PPs suggest, seat them away from each other and reiterate first to your sister that you want her there no matter what, and to your brother that your wedding day is not about his issues with your sister or anyone else.  I'd warn him that security will be there to take appropriate action if he makes it necessary.

But don't revoke any invitations.  Get your dad on your side.

OliveOilsMom

The seating plan and security will be your best option in this. 

Depending on your relationship with your brother, I would call him and express you are staying out of the dispute between him and sister.  And that you would hope that he and sister can be adults for the evening and not bring this up at the wedding.  Finally, let him know that he (or sister) will be escorted out, if any trouble arises.  Tell him you are having/had the exact same conversation with sister.  If he threatens to skip your wedding, just tell him you will miss him.

And any outbursts at your wedding will be a reflection of that person, not you.

mishilish

Thank you so much everyone! It's nice to have outside perspective. I'm limited with the seating plan so I'll have to get creative because it's a small wedding and they don't know anyone else there, but perhaps that will make mingling easier to keep him distracted.

pinupbride6189

I don't really have anything to add as PPs have it mostly covered. I'll just second hiring security and seating them separately. Hired security will be impartial and better equipped to deal with the situation professionally. You really don't want any of your other guests to have to be on watch all night, you want them to enjoy the occasion. 

[Deleted User]

I would talk to the venue about the situation and if you have family friends that can help out, enlist them. At my wedding we had a guest who has a history of questionable behavior that had us very concerned. But we couldn't not invite her becasue she was the SO of one of the groomsmen. My wedding party was made aware of the situation because she was with us all day long and in case she acted up at the church or on the limo bus, I would have needed their help. Once we got to the reception, I let the venue take over in regards to keeping an eye on her (there was concern of theft). Luckily things went smoothly. I also recommend making sure that your brother and sister aren't seated close to each other.