Wedding Party Dilema

Knottie0983523

I'm getting married very soon. Two of my WP members are married (we are doing mixed parties). At the time I asked them to be in my party things were good for them. Since then things have quickly turned bad and now they are going to be splitting up. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or awkward while we attend to wedding duties (photos, group outings, rehearsal dinner, the reception, etc). 
My one friend (we will call them A) said that they would never ask me to kick B out or ask B to bow out of the WP. I've known both A and B for about the same length of time and they are both good friends of mine. A and I have been getting closer during all the issues that they have been having and really has opened up to us. B slipped into some bad habits, has made some questionable decisions, briefly got closer to us then quickly withdrew from everyone, and has (possibly) done some things that I can't agree with (and would make other people in my WP uncomfortable). 

While I don't want to loose B as a friend I feel that they haven't made decisions or done things that remind me of the person and friend they were. I don't want to loose B as a friend, but I am feeling that they shouldn't be part of my wedding party. I made a concerted effort to be a friend to both of them, but like I said I feel that my friendship is stronger with A. 

Sorry I can't get into more details, but i don't feel it is my place to air their laundry. My only hope is that someone out there can help me figure out the right thing to do. I know it is my day, and I know what my gut is saying, but I need that push to help me figure it out. 

AddieCake

Knottie0983523 said:

I'm getting married very soon. Two of my WP members are married (we are doing mixed parties). At the time I asked them to be in my party things were good for them. Since then things have quickly turned bad and now they are going to be splitting up. I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable or awkward while we attend to wedding duties (photos, group outings, rehearsal dinner, the reception, etc). 
My one friend (we will call them A) said that they would never ask me to kick B out or ask B to bow out of the WP. I've known both A and B for about the same length of time and they are both good friends of mine. A and I have been getting closer during all the issues that they have been having and really has opened up to us. B slipped into some bad habits, has made some questionable decisions, briefly got closer to us then quickly withdrew from everyone, and has (possibly) done some things that I can't agree with (and would make other people in my WP uncomfortable). 

While I don't want to loose B as a friend I feel that they haven't made decisions or done things that remind me of the person and friend they were. I don't want to loose B as a friend, but I am feeling that they shouldn't be part of my wedding party. I made a concerted effort to be a friend to both of them, but like I said I feel that my friendship is stronger with A. 

Sorry I can't get into more details, but i don't feel it is my place to air their laundry. My only hope is that someone out there can help me figure out the right thing to do. I know it is my day, and I know what my gut is saying, but I need that push to help me figure it out. 

There is no reason to kick this person out unless they have betrayed you by sleeping with your fiancé or are somehow putting you or your guests in danger. You can kick the person out if you want to be that asshole who does that and risk losing a friend permanently in the process.

Maggie0829

A and B are in your wedding party.  A and B are married but are currently separated and possibly headed towards divorce.  So two of your very good friends (I am assuming this since you asked them both to be in your wedding) are having marital issues and all you are worried about is whether or not to keep B in the wedding?   Did you stop to consider that B has made some bad choices and isn't acting like the friend you knew because B is going through a huge rough patch right now due to splitting with A and when something like that occurs people tend to get depressed or angry or emotional.  How about instead of deciding whether or not you kick B out of your wedding, you forget about your wedding and just be a good friend to B.

climbingsingle

These people are clearly going through a very rough time. Ending a relationship is a traumatic and emotional thing. I personally think it's very insensitive of you to judge how B is handling the end of a marriage. 

Kicking B out of your wedding will essentially end your friendship. If that's what you want, then do it. 

southernbelle0915

It sounds like you and other don't actually know the truth about what B is up to. Don't assume you know the whole story. And try not to judge. Especially when someone is going through a hard time.

I would not kick B out of your wedding. It's a friendship ending move and there's no reason for it. Friend A has said they don't care, so why do you?

MyNameIsNot

You do nothing. 

Kicking B out of the wedding would end the friendship, not to mention it would be completely uncalled for and nasty. Divorce is really hard. You have no business judging how B deals with the separation. Continue being a friend to both of them. 

Knottie0983523

Thank you all for the responses. I guess a little more clarification is needed. We (myself and my FI) opened our home to B during their initial separation. B actually stayed with us for some time till they could get back on their feet. Since that time B has decided to shut off communications with everyone and has come out the other side a person many of us don't recognize. As a friend I care deeply about them and have made the best of efforts to be there and support them. 

At this time though it has come to light that B started having affairs while deciding what to do. A is too strong of a person to ever ask me to do anything because A doesn't want to cause issues and wants to make my day about me, not about them. I know that A would be extremely uncomfortable having B at the events with us. My Best Person also has been dealing with martial issues of a similar nature and I don't think they would appreciate having B at events with them given what B has done. 

When I chose B it was because of who they are, but now they aren't that person anymore. I don't want to kick B out of the party because A and B are splitting up. I feel that B has taken actions that no longer reflect the kind of person they were and would make everyone else uncomfortable. I have made a very strong effort to help B in any way but they chose to forgo any help and communication. 
I understand that divorce is never easy, and not to take sides. I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm not trying to end my friendship with B, and I'm not being insensitive. I am, however, looking out for the best interest in A (who is too strong and stubborn to admit that they need help or will ask for something hard) and for the well being of my BP. 
I will of course talk to B and discuss my concerns, but my personal feeling is that B has gone too far down dark path and has turned their back on my hand. 

AddieCake

I always get so fucking lost when people name their friends A, B, C on here.

[Deleted User]

Knottie0983523 said:

Thank you all for the responses. I guess a little more clarification is needed. We (myself and my FI) opened our home to B during their initial separation. B actually stayed with us for some time till they could get back on their feet. Since that time B has decided to shut off communications with everyone and has come out the other side a person many of us don't recognize. As a friend I care deeply about them and have made the best of efforts to be there and support them. 

At this time though it has come to light that B started having affairs while deciding what to do. A is too strong of a person to ever ask me to do anything because A doesn't want to cause issues and wants to make my day about me, not about them. I know that A would be extremely uncomfortable having B at the events with us. My Best Person also has been dealing with martial issues of a similar nature and I don't think they would appreciate having B at events with them given what B has done. 

When I chose B it was because of who they are, but now they aren't that person anymore. I don't want to kick B out of the party because A and B are splitting up. I feel that B has taken actions that no longer reflect the kind of person they were and would make everyone else uncomfortable. I have made a very strong effort to help B in any way but they chose to forgo any help and communication. 
I understand that divorce is never easy, and not to take sides. I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm not trying to end my friendship with B, and I'm not being insensitive. I am, however, looking out for the best interest in A (who is too strong and stubborn to admit that they need help or will ask for something hard) and for the well being of my BP. 
I will of course talk to B and discuss my concerns, but my personal feeling is that B has gone too far down dark path and has turned their back on my hand. 

Kicking someone out of your wedding party is a potentially friendship-ending move.  If you don't like the person B has become and want to end the friendship, go ahead.  But if you think there's a chance that the friendship can be salvaged, don't.

Maggie0829

Knottie0983523 said:

Thank you all for the responses. I guess a little more clarification is needed. We (myself and my FI) opened our home to B during their initial separation. B actually stayed with us for some time till they could get back on their feet. Since that time B has decided to shut off communications with everyone and has come out the other side a person many of us don't recognize. As a friend I care deeply about them and have made the best of efforts to be there and support them. 

At this time though it has come to light that B started having affairs while deciding what to do. A is too strong of a person to ever ask me to do anything because A doesn't want to cause issues and wants to make my day about me, not about them. I know that A would be extremely uncomfortable having B at the events with us. My Best Person also has been dealing with martial issues of a similar nature and I don't think they would appreciate having B at events with them given what B has done. 

When I chose B it was because of who they are, but now they aren't that person anymore. I don't want to kick B out of the party because A and B are splitting up. I feel that B has taken actions that no longer reflect the kind of person they were and would make everyone else uncomfortable. I have made a very strong effort to help B in any way but they chose to forgo any help and communication. 
I understand that divorce is never easy, and not to take sides. I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm not trying to end my friendship with B, and I'm not being insensitive. I am, however, looking out for the best interest in A (who is too strong and stubborn to admit that they need help or will ask for something hard) and for the well being of my BP. 
I will of course talk to B and discuss my concerns, but my personal feeling is that B has gone too far down dark path and has turned their back on my hand. 

I'm sorry but your BP needs to get the hell over it.  B has done nothing to BP so why the hell would BP be so damn affected with B being at the same event?

Look, you need to make a decision.  You need to decide if you want to continue a friendship with B or not.  Kicking this person out is a potentially friendship ending move.  And lets be honest, B will know exactly why he/she is being kicked out.  

So can you stand by your friend even though he/she is going through a crazy difficult time which everyone handles differently and that you may not completely agree with everything that he/she is doing?  Or are you ready to wash your hands of B?  Because you say you aren't picking sides, but really you are.  You are wanting to get rid of B for A, thus you picking a side.

AddieCake

Yeah, this all seems so dramatic. B has made choices we don't agree with and isn't the person they used to be! Gah. Ditto Maggie that you are choosing sides and the rest of the party needs to get over it and over B being different than before.

climbingsingle

Maybe A is not asking you to kick B out because that's the mature, adult way to handle a situation. Did that ever occur to you? Her insisting to have B removed from the bridal party would not be "being strong or stubborn". 

And your Best Person might not want B there because they've been cheated on too? Really? That's really not any of Best Person's business, unless B somehow cheated on Best Person too. 

southernbelle0915

Look.... it sounds like you want to kick B out of your wedding. And you want people here to tell you "oh yes, honey, kick him/her out and everyone will be happier". And instead people are telling you, "can everyone just act like adults for one day?" And you keep trying to validate your reasons for wanting to kick B out. 

If you want to kick B out, it's your call. But it's rude, it's hurtful, it will end the friendship permanently, and it will likely have broader ripple effects. Ultimately, it's your call. 

I'll be honest, it seems like you're letting yourself get sucked into this drama.

Maggie0829

southernbelle0915 said:

Look.... it sounds like you want to kick B out of your wedding. And you want people here to tell you "oh yes, honey, kick him/her out and everyone will be happier". And instead people are telling you, "can everyone just act like adults for one day?" And you keep trying to validate your reasons for wanting to kick B out. 

If you want to kick B out, it's your call. But it's rude, it's hurtful, it will end the friendship permanently, and it will likely have broader ripple effects. Ultimately, it's your call. 

I'll be honest, it seems like you're letting yourself get sucked into this drama.

Especially if A and B end up working things out in the future.

MyNameIsNot

Knottie0983523 said:

Thank you all for the responses. I guess a little more clarification is needed. We (myself and my FI) opened our home to B during their initial separation. B actually stayed with us for some time till they could get back on their feet. Since that time B has decided to shut off communications with everyone and has come out the other side a person many of us don't recognize. As a friend I care deeply about them and have made the best of efforts to be there and support them. 

At this time though it has come to light that B started having affairs while deciding what to do. A is too strong of a person to ever ask me to do anything because A doesn't want to cause issues and wants to make my day about me, not about them. I know that A would be extremely uncomfortable having B at the events with us. My Best Person also has been dealing with martial issues of a similar nature and I don't think they would appreciate having B at events with them given what B has done. 

When I chose B it was because of who they are, but now they aren't that person anymore. I don't want to kick B out of the party because A and B are splitting up. I feel that B has taken actions that no longer reflect the kind of person they were and would make everyone else uncomfortable. I have made a very strong effort to help B in any way but they chose to forgo any help and communication. 
I understand that divorce is never easy, and not to take sides. I'm not trying to be nasty, I'm not trying to end my friendship with B, and I'm not being insensitive. I am, however, looking out for the best interest in A (who is too strong and stubborn to admit that they need help or will ask for something hard) and for the well being of my BP. 
I will of course talk to B and discuss my concerns, but my personal feeling is that B has gone too far down dark path and has turned their back on my hand. 

The bolded is so none of your fucking business. The affairs are between A and B. 

You have no right to judge B, and you have absolutely no right to confront him/her and discuss your concerns. You also have no business trying to look out for A's "best interest" and keep him/her from seeing B. If A hasn't told you this is an issue, get your nose out of his/her business and leave it alone. 

The fact that you've shared this with your "best person" and now feel the need to protect him/her from coming into contact with B is worse. 

You keep saying you want to stay friends with B and not choose sides. It doesn't sound like you want to do either of those things.

flbride2015

Maggie0829 said:

southernbelle0915 said:

Look.... it sounds like you want to kick B out of your wedding. And you want people here to tell you "oh yes, honey, kick him/her out and everyone will be happier". And instead people are telling you, "can everyone just act like adults for one day?" And you keep trying to validate your reasons for wanting to kick B out. 

If you want to kick B out, it's your call. But it's rude, it's hurtful, it will end the friendship permanently, and it will likely have broader ripple effects. Ultimately, it's your call. 

I'll be honest, it seems like you're letting yourself get sucked into this drama.

Especially if A and B end up working things out in the future.

So much this. Think about how awkward shit can get if they reconcile. Relationships, especially marriages, are very personal things. Separations and divorces can be very traumatic things. For some people it can take years to recover from it. And yes, some people will act differently afterwards, and those changes can be temporary or permanent.

My advice, take a big step back from this one. If they're both your friends you need to stop choosing sides and judging. Focus on being a good friend to both of them. Lend an ear and shoulder to both of them. Who cares about cheating or what the one did to the other? Unless you were a part of their relationship, you have no clue what actually transpired. How do you know A didn't cheat as well? You don't. So don't make it your business.

If you have no desire to be friends with B ever again, go ahead and kick him or her out. But just understand, that it could come back to bite you in the ass if they get back together. And believe me, my ex cheated, we separated, and then got back together more than once to try and work through things because we were married and felt we owed it to ourselves to at least try to save our marriage. It's not out of the realm of possibility that they'll reconcile.

And just to add on to the whole "your friendship will nd if you kick B out of the WP," I had a friend who had asked my ex and I to be BM and MOH for her wedding. During their engagement we split. Not only did she kick me out of the wedding party, but she didn't even bother to let me know. She just never even bothered to send me an invite to the wedding. Then again, she never bothered to check on me either during what was probably the worst period in my life. In the end, they "demoted" my ex too, and then didn't invite him when he got upset about being demoted. Neither of us are friends with those people anymore, but we are good friends with each other. Crazy huh?