Co-worker invite etiquette

Hoshiko2016

tl;dr – Don’t want to invite my selfish coworker, but she invited me to her wedding. Not sure what to do.

 

Hello all! I recently got engaged (yay!), but I’m in a bit of a predicament regarding the guest list for my upcoming wedding.

 

My fiancé and I are both recent transplants to the area (I’ve only been here a year). We plan on having a small wedding with about 75 people, 90% of them will be travelling. I want to invite 3 or 4 coworkers that are special to me. These are people that know me outside of work, I have met their families, and that know my fiancé. 

 

I work with one girl, (we’ll call her Brianna) and my desk faces hers. Honestly, I don’t like her much, but I try to be nice and polite since I have to face her (literally!) every day. She is a nice person but I wouldn't consider her more than a work acquaintance. She tends to follow me around a lot. For example, any time I take a lunch or walk to my car, she always wants to tag along. I certainly don't mind the occasional lunch or walk, but it is a bit annoying. I try to distance myself as much as possible, but to no avail.

 

Here’s where it gets tricky: Brianna became engaged about a year ago when I first started this job and invited me to her wedding. Of course I was happy for her and engaged her in the constant wedding chatter over the last year. Unfortunately, as a result, I soon realized how selfish and self-centered she really is L 

I went to her wedding shower (the only coworker to go) and she never said thank you for the gift nor gave me a thank you card – a big no-no in my etiquette book! Then a month later, I single-handedly organized a work wedding shower for her, and she never said thank you nor gave me a card for that either! (I've also given her various birthday/holiday cards and gifts with nothing in return from her, not even verbal - not a big deal, just another illustration of the type of person she is). It's not the end of the world, but it's causing some resentment on my part; and, the more I get to know her, the harder I have relating to / liking her because she’s been so immature, rude, and selfish to me.

 

When I became engaged (about a month before her wedding) I knew there would be some waves. So, I pulled her aside to tell her privately and let her know how excited I am for her wedding. Whenever anyone asks about my wedding, I make a point to ask about her wedding too, so she doesn’t feel overshadowed (if she doesn’t interrupt first- she's a big interrupter!!). 

 

Long story short, I don’t want to invite her to my wedding. Space is limited and I only want people there who truly love me and my fiancé. I know she could care less about us and our happiness because she doesn’t care now- why would she then? My wedding will be completely different than hers and I know she would snark on it, so I’m not discussing any of it with her.

 

I know I’m not obligated to invite her, but it would cause some office drama if I didn’t, plus I have to face her everyday.What would you do? Have you had a similar experience? 

Any advice would be appreciated and I'd love to hear your feedback!

novella1186

Hoshiko2016 said:

tl;dr – Don’t want to invite my selfish coworker, but she invited me to her wedding. Not sure what to do.

 

Hello all! I recently got engaged (yay!), but I’m in a bit of a predicament regarding the guest list for my upcoming wedding.

 

My fiancé and I are both recent transplants to the area (I’ve only been here a year). We plan on having a small wedding with about 75 people, 90% of them will be travelling. I want to invite 3 or 4 coworkers that are special to me. These are people that know me outside of work, I have met their families, and that know my fiancé. 

 

I work with one girl, (we’ll call her Brianna) and my desk faces hers. Honestly, I don’t like her much, but I try to be nice and polite since I have to face her (literally!) every day. She is a nice person but I wouldn't consider her more than a work acquaintance. She tends to follow me around a lot. For example, any time I take a lunch or walk to my car, she always wants to tag along. I certainly don't mind the occasional lunch or walk, but it is a bit annoying. I try to distance myself as much as possible, but to no avail.

 

Here’s where it gets tricky: Brianna became engaged about a year ago when I first started this job and invited me to her wedding. Of course I was happy for her and engaged her in the constant wedding chatter over the last year. Unfortunately, as a result, I soon realized how selfish and self-centered she really is L 

I went to her wedding shower (the only coworker to go) and she never said thank you for the gift nor gave me a thank you card – a big no-no in my etiquette book! Then a month later, I single-handedly organized a work wedding shower for her, and she never said thank you nor gave me a card for that either! (I've also given her various birthday/holiday cards and gifts with nothing in return from her, not even verbal - not a big deal, just another illustration of the type of person she is). It's not the end of the world, but it's causing some resentment on my part; and, the more I get to know her, the harder I have relating to / liking her because she’s been so immature, rude, and selfish to me.

 

When I became engaged (about a month before her wedding) I knew there would be some waves. So, I pulled her aside to tell her privately and let her know how excited I am for her wedding. Whenever anyone asks about my wedding, I make a point to ask about her wedding too, so she doesn’t feel overshadowed (if she doesn’t interrupt first- she's a big interrupter!!). 

 

Long story short, I don’t want to invite her to my wedding. Space is limited and I only want people there who truly love me and my fiancé. I know she could care less about us and our happiness because she doesn’t care now- why would she then? My wedding will be completely different than hers and I know she would snark on it, so I’m not discussing any of it with her.

 

I know I’m not obligated to invite her, but it would cause some office drama if I didn’t, plus I have to face her everyday.What would you do? Have you had a similar experience? 

Any advice would be appreciated and I'd love to hear your feedback!

No, you do not need to invite her, and you do not need to feel bad about it. If you don't care for someone and don't want them at your wedding, then don't invite them. It's pretty simple. 

It may cause a bit of office drama if she chooses to be rude and immature about it, but that's not really something you can control. 

Here's what you can do to minimize potential drama: 

• Do NOT talk about your wedding around her. Do not even mention it. If she brings it up, bean dip. 
• Don't mention invites or guest lists 
• If she finds out she was not invited and asks you about it, do not make excuses. Simply say, "We weren't able to invite everyone we would have liked" and then change the subject. 
• Repeat the above as much as necessary

Honestly, I'm confused as to why you keep buying her gifts, giving her things, planning parties for her, etc if you don't like her and if she's rude and never thanks you. Just stop doing that. 

Hoshiko2016

@novella1186

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice! I will definitely adhere to your recommendations and stay firm! Thankfully we’re still early in wedding planning, so she hasn’t cared enough to ask anything yet. Although I doubt she will ever ask anything (phew!).

I knew someone would mention the gifts/party planning, so let me clarify that part.

I threw her the wedding shower because my boss asked me to and I couldn’t say no. I was miserable the whole time and everyone knew it. My boss even pulled me aside to thank me because she knew I hated doing it.

As far as the gifts, those were over the entire last year and I didn’t know she was like that until I noticed the pattern. I haven’t done anything for her since the original wedding shower gift and I don’t plan on doing anything else for her. I'm trying to distance myself as much as possible from her, but she doesn't seem to get the hint.

novella1186

Hoshiko2016 said:

@novella1186

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice! I will definitely adhere to your recommendations and stay firm! Thankfully we’re still early in wedding planning, so she hasn’t cared enough to ask anything yet. Although I doubt she will ever ask anything (phew!).

I knew someone would mention the gifts/party planning, so let me clarify that part.

I threw her the wedding shower because my boss asked me to and I couldn’t say no. I was miserable the whole time and everyone knew it. My boss even pulled me aside to thank me because she knew I hated doing it.

As far as the gifts, those were over the entire last year and I didn’t know she was like that until I noticed the pattern. I haven’t done anything for her since the original wedding shower gift and I don’t plan on doing anything else for her. I'm trying to distance myself as much as possible from her, but she doesn't seem to get the hint.

Well, since you've hosted parties for her and given her gifts and she follows you around, she MIGHT assume that the two of you are close friends. So she might be expecting an invite to your wedding. I had a crazy work acquaintance that felt entitled to be invited to my wedding and started hounding me for an invite, and we're not friends by any means so it was weird. People are weird. They do crap like that. 

Like I said, just don't talk about your wedding with her. 

Maggie0829

Hoshiko2016 said:

@novella1186

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice! I will definitely adhere to your recommendations and stay firm! Thankfully we’re still early in wedding planning, so she hasn’t cared enough to ask anything yet. Although I doubt she will ever ask anything (phew!).

I knew someone would mention the gifts/party planning, so let me clarify that part.

I threw her the wedding shower because my boss asked me to and I couldn’t say no. I was miserable the whole time and everyone knew it. My boss even pulled me aside to thank me because she knew I hated doing it.

As far as the gifts, those were over the entire last year and I didn’t know she was like that until I noticed the pattern. I haven’t done anything for her since the original wedding shower gift and I don’t plan on doing anything else for her. I'm trying to distance myself as much as possible from her, but she doesn't seem to get the hint.

Why exactly could you not say no?

If you don't like this girl then don't invite her to your wedding.  It is really that easy.  And since you are trying to distance yourself from her, not inviting her to your wedding will help in that effort.

And in general, when it comes to co-workers and inviting them to a wedding, I only suggest inviting the ones that you are friends with outside of the workplace (ie go out with on the weekends or catch a dinner or two with during the week).  There is a big difference between being friendly with your co workers and actually being friends with people  you work with.

SP29

Agreed- don't invite her.

Don't talk to her about the wedding, but if she brings it up you can tell her, "We couldn't invite everyone we would have liked", or "We're keeping it small". Beyond that though, don't try to explain yourself or else it gives her room to find a "solution".

I also agree, coworkers should only be invited because you are inviting them as a friend, just like any other friend you would invite, not *because* they are your coworker.

peachy13

Novella is right that people are weird and expect invites. I think you're being genuinely nice to your co-worker and she probably sees that, which is why she sees you as a friend and follows you around and gushes about her wedding to you.

For the time being, it would be very wise to not talk about your wedding. If the subject comes up and someone asks, you can start spreading the word around that you and your FI are having a small wedding... perhaps your co-worker will get the idea that she may not be invited to your wedding. You seem sweet and like someone who avoids conflict (me too) but I don't think you need to make this into a big deal. "We're having a small wedding" can be your new motto. You do not owe anyone an invite just because you're going to their wedding. 

FWIW, when I first got engaged I didn't plan to invite any of my co-workers because I was new and didn't really know them. I sat on my guest list for a while and did end up adding my co-workers in the end. I've been engaged for a while now and my relationship with my co-workers have totally changed -- I'm so excited to invite them to my wedding. I'm not sure when your wedding is, but you can probably wait until it's final decision guest list time to make the call.

Hoshiko2016

Thank you for all of the great advice, everyone! I really appreciate it!

I agree that she is not a friend outside of work (the one time we did make plans, she totally blew me off anyway). What I have trouble with is that she thinks we’re friends and I don’t. Aside from distancing myself and not engaging her in any talk, I’m not sure what else I can do if she’s not catching on. I’ve been distancing myself from her for quite some time (since around the holidays- so 4-6 months) and she still isn’t getting it. I guess some people are totally blind to non-verbal cues!

She always talks about wanting another job, so I’m hoping she does exactly that before my wedding rolls around next year and save me the headache. I don’t like confrontation!

STARMOON44

Either invite her or invite no one from you. You literally sit across from her all day. You know she loves drama. Completely not worth it. Personally, I'd invite her and put her at a table far from me, but if you really don't want her there I think inviting any other coworkers is going to make the office very uncomfortable for you, unfortunately.

novella1186

STARMOON44 said:

Either invite her or invite no one from you. You literally sit across from her all day. You know she loves drama. Completely not worth it. Personally, I'd invite her and put her at a table far from me, but if you really don't want her there I think inviting any other coworkers is going to make the office very uncomfortable for you, unfortunately.

I disagree with this. When my co-worker insisted on being invited to my wedding, it made me uncomfortable because I also hate confrontation. I finally had to be very blunt with her that she was not invited. It wasn't fun. 

But I paid a lot per person out of my own pocket, and I was extremely glad not to have to pay for someone I don't even like, not to mention having to deal with her on my wedding day. I am SO GLAD I stuck to my guns and didn't invite her. 

I think if the OP really doesn't like this girl (which is what it sounds like) then she needs to stick to her guns and just not invite her. 

Maggie0829

novella1186 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Either invite her or invite no one from you. You literally sit across from her all day. You know she loves drama. Completely not worth it. Personally, I'd invite her and put her at a table far from me, but if you really don't want her there I think inviting any other coworkers is going to make the office very uncomfortable for you, unfortunately.

I disagree with this. When my co-worker insisted on being invited to my wedding, it made me uncomfortable because I also hate confrontation. I finally had to be very blunt with her that she was not invited. It wasn't fun. 

But I paid a lot per person out of my own pocket, and I was extremely glad not to have to pay for someone I don't even like, not to mention having to deal with her on my wedding day. I am SO GLAD I stuck to my guns and didn't invite her. 

I think if the OP really doesn't like this girl (which is what it sounds like) then she needs to stick to her guns and just not invite her. 

And just because you put her at a table far from you doesn't mean that she still won't get up and come over to talk or cling to you all night on the dance floor.

Hoshiko2016

@STARMOON44

Thank you for your input! Unfortunately not inviting anyone from the office is not an option for me. One of my best friends and a bridesmaid is also a co-worker of ours (Brianna and her don't get along, but they are cordial/professional). Also another girl is coming because she is close with me and knows my friends from my hometown (but she's in another department, so no big deal).

I don't want the be the bad guy. But at the end of the day when I look back at my wedding photos or think back, I don't want to be resentful that I invited someone I don't like just to be nice. In the long run, I don't owe her anything. I've only known her a year!

STARMOON44

I mean, do what you want! You're the one who's going to wind up spending all your working hours with someone hostile. Obviously you don't have to invite her, it's up to you to weigh the consequences.

Jen4948

STARMOON44 said:

I mean, do what you want! You're the one who's going to wind up spending all your working hours with someone hostile. Obviously you don't have to invite her, it's up to you to weigh the consequences.

"Weigh the consequences" because one coworker who has been rude to her wasn't invited?  Does that mean that every one of us has to invite every single coworker of ours to our weddings because of "weigh the consequences" - even those of us who might be having DWs or otherwise have very good reasons for not doing so?

Sorry, but "consequences" go the other way too.  One does not have to invite every single  coworker to one's wedding.  If Brianna gets her panties in a wad because she wasn't invited, gee, could it be that her own behavior is responsible for that? And if she does behave badly because she gets her panties in a wad, that's Brianna's own unprofessionalism and rudeness at play.

"Weigh the consequences" =/= "act like a doormat and invite everyone at work, even those who have been very rude to you, because you're scared of what could happen if you don't."

Maggie0829

STARMOON44 said:

I mean, do what you want! You're the one who's going to wind up spending all your working hours with someone hostile. Obviously you don't have to invite her, it's up to you to weigh the consequences.

Pretty sure if a coworker of mine was hostile to me because I didn't invite them to my wedding then I would be going to HR.

One shouldn't have to invite someone just because there is a chance that person will take it personally and be hostile towards them.  That is just crazy.

SP29

What Jen4948 said!

Hoshiko2016

Good morning all! Again I wanted to thank each and every one of you for your input. After reading your responses, I had firmly decided on not inviting my selfish coworker yesterday. However, today I learned a little bit of information that has put the nail in the coffin, so to speak! Thought I’d share:

This little bit is not wedding related, but just another illustration of the type of person Brianna is. My birthday was last week (July 4^th, woo!!) and a couple of my other coworkers wanted to take me out to lunch to surprise me. They asked her to organize it; but, she lied to them about my schedule and never organized anything. A coworker asked me about my schedule today, that’s how I found out about all these lies. She’s never mentioned anything about my birthday, much less any well wishes. In fact, the only mention of a birthday was when she asked me where my FI took me out to eat because she wanted to try a new place for her birthday. I’m not sure what I’ve done to deserve this kind of treatment from her over the last year because I’ve been nothing but nice and polite.

(Btw, there’s a whole laundry list of other mean-spirited, snarky things she’s done to me over the last year, but they’re not wedding related, so I tried not to mention them).

Obviously a decision has been made in regards to my wedding and I’m completely 100% done with her. So you can probably close the thread or let it fade.

But to end on a happy note: my FI has been completely loving, sweet, and amazing through all of my “girl drama.” He reminds me every single day that I’m thoughtful, kind, caring, and how much I give to others. Hooray for loving fiances!

Again, thank you for all of your wonderful advice! I look forward to interacting with all of you in other (more positive) threads now that my wedding planning is getting underway. Cheers!