NWR: GFM for child adoption fees...

cj3561

A girl in my town has apparently started a trend setting up a GFM to cover the ($500) cost of her fiance legally adopting her child that she had 10 years ago with some other dude. I can't help but think this is nauseating. It is blasted all over social media, and lo and behold, two other women from my town have also followed suit. 

One of them actually posted, after reaching the $500 goal .. "Thank you all so much for the support! We just found out that GFM takes a portion of our donations, so that stinks. If you'd like to donate directly to me, please message me!"

GTFO. "That stinks". LOL. You are going to tell me you *just* found out?

 I think this is so wrong in so many ways, and I'm embarrassed for them. Part of being a parent is taking on the financial responsibility for the child. Not to judge anyone's financial situation - but come on, $500?! You can't figure out a way to get that amount on your own? 

Curious to think what other Knotties have to say about this topic.

I'm feeling very snarky today and I haven't had my green tea yet.

BouxRadley

cj3561 said:

Part of being a parent is taking on the financial responsibility for the child. Not to judge anyone's financial situation - but come on, $500?! You can't figure out a way to get that amount on your own? 

Curious to think what other Knotties have to say about this topic.

I'm feeling very snarky today and I haven't had my green tea yet.

Especially in adoption cases. I know it's just the new man adopting, but still. Adopting, even more so than actually birthing a child, requires proving you can financially provide. No one cares about how good you are at begging. 

[Deleted User]

cj3561 said:

A girl in my town has apparently started a trend setting up a GFM to cover the ($500) cost of her fiance legally adopting her child that she had 10 years ago with some other dude. I can't help but think this is nauseating. It is blasted all over social media, and lo and behold, two other women from my town have also followed suit. 

One of them actually posted, after reaching the $500 goal .. "Thank you all so much for the support! We just found out that GFM takes a portion of our donations, so that stinks. If you'd like to donate directly to me, please message me!"

GTFO. "That stinks". LOL. You are going to tell me you *just* found out?

 I think this is so wrong in so many ways, and I'm embarrassed for them. Part of being a parent is taking on the financial responsibility for the child. Not to judge anyone's financial situation - but come on, $500?! You can't figure out a way to get that amount on your own? 

Curious to think what other Knotties have to say about this topic.

I'm feeling very snarky today and I haven't had my green tea yet.

A couple friends of mine had a GFM for adoption fees.  They were unable to have a biological child and wanted to adopt.  I thought it was squicky and never contributed.

southernbelle0915

Yea no. It doesn't sound like this child is in danger if the step dad doesn't adopt him/her RIGHT NOW. So even if they put away $40 and change per month, they could make this happen in a year.

There are much steeper financial responsibilities that come with parenting than $500. If someone cannot prioritize saving $500 to adopt their spouse's child, then there are likely bigger financial considerations that they probably need to consider.

To me, this sounds like they're taking advantage of a "heart strings" issue. Which is pretty fucked up.

lyndausvi

I often worry about people who crowd fund for something as low as $500.   What happens if a real emergency comes up?   A car transmission can go out and boom, it's over a grand.    Just breaking your arm can cost $500 of out of pocket.

$500 is $41.66 per month for 12 months.  I'm sure someone could find $42 a month in their budget.   I'm sure this adoption didn't just pop-up either.     

 

arrrghmatey

A friend of mine and her partner adopted a child several months ago and started a GFM to cover "unforeseen fees and unplanned legal dues" in the amount of almost $3000.

Yeah…I didn't contribute.

AddieCake

It sickens me. I went through IVF last summer and was not successful. So now we are looking into egg donation. These things are paid for by US, not by friends, family, or random strangers. Old friends of my husband did one for their egg donation fees, and my husband contributed without discussing it with me. I was livid. Ummm, hello? We kind of need that money for our OWN situation.

lovemesomemonster

Wow, this is crazy and there is just so much NOPE going on! I was adopted when I was born, I was the clearance baby at $10,000 and my parents paid for it themselves, they wanted me so they budgeted and made it happen without asking others for money. It's like anything else in live, figure it out yourself! I don't understand why some people think they are entitled to these kinds of things when as @AddieCake pointed out, there are many people going through big financial situations to have a child.

loveislouder

Okay... I'm going to ask a couple dumb and possibly ignorant/rude questions because I know nothing about adoption:

What kind of fees are there with adopting a child other than legal fees and generally providing for that child, and if you are adopting from out of country then visiting that child before you adopt?

@Lovemesomemonster $10,000.00? Why though? 

I hear things all the time about people spending $100,000.00 on adopting a child and I don't understand. $100,000.00 seems like an exorbitant cost and almost as if couples who can't have biological children are being taken advantage of. 

lovemesomemonster

@loveislouder I don't know all of the specifics but my case was very different than the GFM for $500 because I was being adopted by both and given up by the natural parents. Adoption is a legal agreement involving lawyers and contracts so there are legal fees. In my case because my parents were the ones wanting me they were responsible for legal fees on both sides (the bio mom and their own), as well as any medical expenses she incurred during pregnancy and for the child birth. I say I was a bargain baby because she had no prenatal care and a natural birth with no complications so the medical fees were minimal. Then they paid the legal fees and adoption fees. 

Infants tend to cost more, I guess you can compare it to adopting a puppy as opposed to an adult dog, they are what people want and are harder to find because it's very difficult to take a child out of the care of their natural parents so you need the parents to willingly sign over custody. 

If you are adopting a child from another country you are also adding in all legal paperwork to bring them to the country and travel fees since generally you have to fly to the country to pick them up and bring them back.

Again, I'm not an expert but this was my personal situation as well as a good friend of my parents who adopted a child from another country.

loveislouder

Thanks @lovemesomemonster, that clears a few things up but it's scary to think that people are "selling" babies, you know?  I'm from Canada so I didn't consider the medical costs associated with your biological mom's hospital and stuff.

lovemesomemonster

loveislouder said:

Thanks @lovemesomemonster, that clears a few things up but it's scary to think that people are "selling" babies, you know?  I'm from Canada so I didn't consider the medical costs associated with your biological mom's hospital and stuff.

I agree, it is, and they do make it very hard on good people who just really want to be parents to adopt. At the same time I understand SOME of the requirements, they do have to look out for the child as well. I know they did home visits with my parents and they required a separate room for each kid and financial stability. I guess if you are responsible for placing a child in a home you want to make sure that the new parents will be able to care for them in all ways, you have control over who can adopt as opposed to someone just being able to get pregnant and I don't think I would want that job, we all know there are times when it doesn't go so well and not everyone should be a parent.

kvruns

I don't like Gfm for adoptions or adoption fundraisers or whatever you call it. I know it is super expensive and know a lot of people who have done it but it just rubs me the wrong way. I've always wondered what makes it so expensive, I know lawyer time is expensive and maybe some medical costs are paid? Not sure what else the 10k or whatever goes to

justsuzie

My good friend paid over 20 grand for her adoption.  Depending on what region you are in the costs are quite exorbitant. Even with two incomes that is a large sum of money.  GFM is a means to raise that money.  However, if you cannot afford 500 dollars, that is a different story.  This seems like a scam. 

cj3561

Yeah. I agree with you all. If they can't find $500 for a non emergency situation, I'd hate to see an actual emergency arise for this kid. As you all have pointed out, the kid falls and breaks his arm and has a $500 deductible .. you going to wait and have the kid suffer til your GFM gets fulfilled?

So yucky to me. 

And yeah, this isn't a matter of a couple outright adopting a child from another couple etc - it's just the mom signing the paperwork to have this new guy adopt him legally. 

The cost of those adoptions is CRAZY though - holy cow. Guess it weeds out some potential crappy parents and shows they are serious about providing for their kid!  

@bouxradley .. very well said. "No ones cares how good you are at begging"

lovesclimbing

loveislouder said:

Okay... I'm going to ask a couple dumb and possibly ignorant/rude questions because I know nothing about adoption:

What kind of fees are there with adopting a child other than legal fees and generally providing for that child, and if you are adopting from out of country then visiting that child before you adopt?

@Lovemesomemonster $10,000.00? Why though? 

I hear things all the time about people spending $100,000.00 on adopting a child and I don't understand. $100,000.00 seems like an exorbitant cost and almost as if couples who can't have biological children are being taken advantage of. 

My ILs adopted two kids from another country. They were about ages 7 and 10 I think. It cost about somewhere around $10-$15k if I remember correctly. I don't know what all the money went to. They did not go to the country. They would have had to, but there happened to be someone coming over who was able to bring them as far as DC. Google can probably give you a good idea of where all the money goes.

justsuzie

lovesclimbing said:

Okay... I'm going to ask a couple dumb and possibly ignorant/rude questions because I know nothing about adoption:

What kind of fees are there with adopting a child other than legal fees and generally providing for that child, and if you are adopting from out of country then visiting that child before you adopt?

@Lovemesomemonster $10,000.00? Why though? 

I hear things all the time about people spending $100,000.00 on adopting a child and I don't understand. $100,000.00 seems like an exorbitant cost and almost as if couples who can't have biological children are being taken advantage of. 

My ILs adopted two kids from another country. They were about ages 7 and 10 I think. It cost about somewhere around $10-$15k if I remember correctly. I don't know what all the money went to. They did not go to the country. They would have had to, but there happened to be someone coming over who was able to bring them as far as DC. Google can probably give you a good idea of where all the money goes.

I assume that the travel is probably a huge portion of that.  Adults need to fly across the world to pick up the kids and then fly back with them.  That alone can run upwards of 10 grand alone with all the flights and lodging.   I wonder if most adoption companies are for profit?  

lovemesomemonster

lovesclimbing said:

Okay... I'm going to ask a couple dumb and possibly ignorant/rude questions because I know nothing about adoption:

What kind of fees are there with adopting a child other than legal fees and generally providing for that child, and if you are adopting from out of country then visiting that child before you adopt?

@Lovemesomemonster $10,000.00? Why though? 

I hear things all the time about people spending $100,000.00 on adopting a child and I don't understand. $100,000.00 seems like an exorbitant cost and almost as if couples who can't have biological children are being taken advantage of. 

My ILs adopted two kids from another country. They were about ages 7 and 10 I think. It cost about somewhere around $10-$15k if I remember correctly. I don't know what all the money went to. They did not go to the country. They would have had to, but there happened to be someone coming over who was able to bring them as far as DC. Google can probably give you a good idea of where all the money goes.

For a kid from another country you also have to take into account all of the legal and government documents that need to be filed as well as any medical requirements to bring them into the country. I'm sure that adds up fast.

MJKlover

I'm so glad this topic was brought up.  My youngest step-sister has been blowing up Facebook this week asking for donations and for everyone to buy these t-shirts to raise money for either adoption fees or to try IVF.  I have mixed feelings about it because:

1. to me it feels so weird to beg your friends/family for donations for yourself,

2. I can't stand her husband and I think the last thing they should do is have a child together (but that's a whole other thread), 

3. and I have PCOS which makes it very difficult for me to get pregnant so I figure in a couple of years we might need funds to do the same thing. So maybe we should start saving now if it costs so much money you have to ask for donations.  

But then I feel like the evil step-sister for not buying a shirt.  What do y'all think about this?

lovemesomemonster

MJKlover said:

I'm so glad this topic was brought up.  My youngest step-sister has been blowing up Facebook this week asking for donations and for everyone to buy these t-shirts to raise money for either adoption fees or to try IVF.  I have mixed feelings about it because:

1. to me it feels so weird to beg your friends/family for donations for yourself,

2. I can't stand her husband and I think the last thing they should do is have a child together (but that's a whole other thread), 

3. and I have PCOS which makes it very difficult for me to get pregnant so I figure in a couple of years we might need funds to do the same thing. So maybe we should start saving now if it costs so much money you have to ask for donations.  

But then I feel like the evil step-sister for not buying a shirt.  What do y'all think about this?

I feel the same way I did in my earlier post. My parents did it themselves, while it's unfortunate that many people cannot have kids themselves, if they decide to go down the path of IVF or adoption they should save for it and do it themselves. Not only could my parents not have kids but my FI's brother and sister in law went through 6 years of fertility treatments and finally IVF took. It was a long, expensive road but they never thought to ask for money, they saved and when they had it saved they went in for another round. 

I think it is very generous if people offer to help, but asking for hand outs seems icky to me.