I Promise I'm Not A Brat...But Help!!!

ladyinthewhitedress

FH just went home to visit his family, and came back with the news that his father booked us a cruise to Canada that leaves the day after our wedding. I get that this is a really generous gift, but this is the last thing I would have booked for so many reasons. FH and I had discussed someplace warm, lying on the beach sipping cocktails. I've told FFIL every time he brings up the honeymoon that we want to go somewhere warm where we can relax. Is it rude to politely decline? I just really want to be excited about my honeymoon. 

justsuzie

Not rude at all.  In fact, I think that it may have been rude the fil to do that without talking with you. Perhaps you can talk with him about how you envisioned your honeymoon and let him help planning with the destination of your choice. 

southernbelle0915

shlasher said:

FH just went home to visit his family, and came back with the news that his father booked us a cruise to Canada that leaves the day after our wedding. I get that this is a really generous gift, but this is the last thing I would have booked for so many reasons. FH and I had discussed someplace warm, lying on the beach sipping cocktails. I've told FFIL every time he brings up the honeymoon that we want to go somewhere warm where we can relax. Is it rude to politely decline? I just really want to be excited about my honeymoon. 

I don't think it's rude to decline. Who books a week long trip without talking to people first?!?! What if you weren't planning to go right away? Personally, I would book something else, and then decline by telling him you have something else planned already.

If you do decline don't expect him to help you pay for your beach vacation.

ladyinthewhitedress

What is the best way to decline? I just had a long conversation with FH about how this not appropriate & I think he should be the one to decline (his parents, his conversation?) Is there really much explaining that we have to do? I was really looking forward to planning this with FH, especially since we don't get to travel much.

And don't worry, we were planning on paying for this ourselves.

southernbelle0915

Well I would book something so you aren't lying... Doesn't have to be the whole thing, but you could at least pick a destination and book your plane tickets or your hotel or a rental car. Then I would have your FI tell him: "hey dad, thank you SO much for this generous gift but I wish we could have coordinated this better...shlasher and I have already booked stuff for Cozumel, so that's where we will be going."

Hopefully he booked refundable trip. But even if he didn't, its his own fault and you can't let it change your plans. It will just be a hard lesson for him in actually coordinating with you. A mistake he will hopefully not make again.

ladyinthewhitedress

@southernbelle9015 while we have narrowed it down to a couple of options, most of the places we are looking at won't let me book until we are less than a year out, and I do feel like the conversation with FFIL should happen ASAP.

Maggie0829

I would just have your FI tell his Dad the truth...that you appreciate the generous gift but that you do not want to go on a week long cruise to Canada.

There is no sense in having your FFIL spend money on a vacation that you do not want.  I think it is crazy to book a trip for two people without actually discussing it with them before hand.  Yeah those who pay has the final say, but why would anyone want to spend money on a trip that people do not want to go on.

Lets just hope that your FFIL can get his money back.

kaos16

Is it that you don't want to cruise to Canada at all, or is it that you envision a beach honeymoon.  I ask because I would be thrilled with the gift of the cruise.  I would thank him profusely and then take a beach trip later.  Is that something you'd be interested in?

Maggie0829

kaos16 said:

Is it that you don't want to cruise to Canada at all, or is it that you envision a beach honeymoon.  I ask because I would be thrilled with the gift of the cruise.  I would thank him profusely and then take a beach trip later.  Is that something you'd be interested in?

But what if OP and her FI don't have a lot of vacation time?  For me, if I am going to use vacation time then I want to go to a place that I really want to go to.  I wouldn't want to take a cruise to Canada just because and use up my precious vacation time.

kaos16

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

Is it that you don't want to cruise to Canada at all, or is it that you envision a beach honeymoon.  I ask because I would be thrilled with the gift of the cruise.  I would thank him profusely and then take a beach trip later.  Is that something you'd be interested in?

But what if OP and her FI don't have a lot of vacation time?  For me, if I am going to use vacation time then I want to go to a place that I really want to go to.  I wouldn't want to take a cruise to Canada just because and use up my precious vacation time.

Certainly my suggestion is dependent on how much vacation time OP has, how often her and her fiance vacation, whether they have someone to watch any pets they might have, etc.  It's just a suggestion.

Maggie0829

kaos16 said:

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

Is it that you don't want to cruise to Canada at all, or is it that you envision a beach honeymoon.  I ask because I would be thrilled with the gift of the cruise.  I would thank him profusely and then take a beach trip later.  Is that something you'd be interested in?

But what if OP and her FI don't have a lot of vacation time?  For me, if I am going to use vacation time then I want to go to a place that I really want to go to.  I wouldn't want to take a cruise to Canada just because and use up my precious vacation time.

Certainly my suggestion is dependent on how much vacation time OP has, how often her and her fiance vacation, whether they have someone to watch any pets they might have, etc.  It's just a suggestion.

Even if you had all the vacation time in the world, why go on a vacation that you don't want?  OP said, that "this would have been the last thing she would have booked for a variety of reasons."  To me, that means that she does not want to go on this cruise because it is not something that she has ever remotely wanted to do.

kaos16

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

Maggie0829 said:

kaos16 said:

Is it that you don't want to cruise to Canada at all, or is it that you envision a beach honeymoon.  I ask because I would be thrilled with the gift of the cruise.  I would thank him profusely and then take a beach trip later.  Is that something you'd be interested in?

But what if OP and her FI don't have a lot of vacation time?  For me, if I am going to use vacation time then I want to go to a place that I really want to go to.  I wouldn't want to take a cruise to Canada just because and use up my precious vacation time.

Certainly my suggestion is dependent on how much vacation time OP has, how often her and her fiance vacation, whether they have someone to watch any pets they might have, etc.  It's just a suggestion.

Even if you had all the vacation time in the world, why go on a vacation that you don't want?  OP said, that "this would have been the last thing she would have booked for a variety of reasons."  To me, that means that she does not want to go on this cruise because it is not something that she has ever remotely wanted to do.

then she wouldn't choose to use my suggestion. . . . no harm no foul.

ladyinthewhitedress

@kaos16 I am in no way interested in a nine day cruise to Canada; the whole concept makes me really claustrophobic. We're not exactly sure where we want to go yet, but as the wedding is more than a year a way we definitely have time to decide. I was getting very excited checking out Aruba honeymoons while FH was away. 

Maggie0829 not only that, but doesn't "those who pay get the final say" only apply when a prior conversation has been had? We have made it very clear from the start that we would be planning/paying for our honeymoon ourselves. A month ago FFIL was insisting that we should be going to Europe, because "you guys can go to Sandals anytime".

I just feel like so much of this wedding has been about making everybody else happy. The honeymoon should be all about us and what we want.

frenchiekin

Is your FFIL usually like this?  This probably makes me sound like a brat too, but if my FILs ever booked us a honeymoon without even talking to us first, it'd be a bit of a red flag to me.  It just seems super overbearing to try and plan your son's honeymoon.  Of course I don't know the details of your relationship with him, I am sure his heart was in the right place and this is clearly a very generous gift, but no.  Just no.  Planning a honeymoon to me is kind of a personal thing that I only wanted to do with my FI.  I don't think you're being a brat at all - I think this crosses a boundary, be it a relatively minor one.

I'm also surprised he did this more than a year in advance.

ladyinthewhitedress

This is not far out of the realm of normal for him. FH knows that he has overbearing/control issues; it does always come from the right place but still...

FH was having a hard time last night understanding why he should be the one to have the conversation with his father (I worked for his Dad for while, so I know him pretty well, but I still think this should come from him). He's from the school of thought of "we're all family, you should be able to be as close to them as I am". He has agreed to talk to his Dad. 

Maggie0829

ladyinthewhitedress said:

Maggie0829 not only that, but doesn't "those who pay get the final say" only apply when a prior conversation has been had? We have made it very clear from the start that we would be planning/paying for our honeymoon ourselves. A month ago FFIL was insisting that we should be going to Europe, because "you guys can go to Sandals anytime".

I just feel like so much of this wedding has been about making everybody else happy. The honeymoon should be all about us and what we want.

So he was insistent that you go to Europe, but instead buys you a cruise to Canada?  That isn't even close to the same thing LOL!

I think your FFIL has the best of intentions and just wants you guys to have an amazing HM, but he just isn't listening.  Or he is planning a vacation that he wants to go on and wants to live vicariously through you two.

Hopefully your FI can get this all figured out with his Father.

photokitty

ladyinthewhitedress said:

This is not far out of the realm of normal for him. FH knows that he has overbearing/control issues; it does always come from the right place but still...

FH was having a hard time last night understanding why he should be the one to have the conversation with his father (I worked for his Dad for while, so I know him pretty well, but I still think this should come from him). He's from the school of thought of "we're all family, you should be able to be as close to them as I am". He has agreed to talk to his Dad. 

Could this be bc your FI actually wants to take the cruise? My DH would have told his dad, "thanks for the offer, but I have to talk to photokitty as she and I were planning to go to the beach. I hope these are refundable or you can use them yourself." instead your fi accepted them and wants you to be the bad guy...that's not cool. I think your fi secretly wants the free Canadian cruise.

STARMOON44

"Dad. Thanks for the cruise, but you shouldn't have booked it without asking us first. We are grown ups. We are planning our own honeymoon. I hope you can get a refund because we aren't going to Canada for our honeymoon. In the future, you need to ask us before you make plans for us."

[Deleted User]

Check to see if the cruise line offers any cruises to areas you would like to go. If so, go dad, thanks for the cruise, but we really had our heart set on doing something warm for our honeymoon. The same cruise line offers trips to areas we would be intersted in going, would you mind if we exchanged the Canada trip for that one?

Reason I'm suggesting this is if it's the same cruise line, he is less likely to loss any money because good chance there is a no refund policy because the cruise line wouldn't be out any money if you still are taking a trip with them. This way you still enjoy dad's generosity but in a place you would prefer.

dalm0m

One monkey wrench . . . depending on when your wedding  & this cruise are, your FIL may not be able to get his money back or change the identity of the passengers.    No changes are generally allowed 120 days before sailing. 

While I agree FIL should have consulted you, if he can't cancel without monetary penalty I'd probably suck it up & go. 

STARMOON44

dalm0m said:

One monkey wrench . . . depending on when your wedding  & this cruise are, your FIL may not be able to get his money back or change the identity of the passengers.    No changes are generally allowed 120 days before sailing. 

While I agree FIL should have consulted you, if he can't cancel without monetary penalty I'd probably suck it up & go. 

If he can't cancel without a penalty, I would consider that an excellent life lesson for him!

MobKaz

This thread reminds me of another post from a bride who was "gifted" a honeymoon.  It turns out, her MIL was not only controlling, but was unable to "cut the cord" with her soon to be married son.  The couple soon learned that the MIL also purchased tickets for the same trip, so that she could join them on their honeymoon!!

OP, I agree that the best thing to do is inform FI's dad that you appreciate the gesture, but have other plans.

Maggie0829

STARMOON44 said:

If he can't cancel without a penalty, I would consider that an excellent life lesson for him!

QFT.

dalm0m

Teaching a parent who tried (but perhaps failed) to do a nice thing "a life lesson" seems like the children are being rather selfish. 

I'm not saying the FIL was right in booking the trip but to force him to lose money simply adds up to two wrong don't make a right.

For the couple to suck it up graciously, would be a better karmic start to their marriage.  Leading with family disharmony sounds like a recipe for disaster & will cause umpteen fights in the future. 

Maggie0829

dalm0m said:

Teaching a parent who tried (but perhaps failed) to do a nice thing "a life lesson" seems like the children are being rather selfish. 

I'm not saying the FIL was right in booking the trip but to force him to lose money simply adds up to two wrong don't make a right.

For the couple to suck it up graciously, would be a better karmic start to their marriage.  Leading with family disharmony sounds like a recipe for disaster & will cause umpteen fights in the future. 

I'm sorry but the FIL in this case was wrong.  You should not book a trip for another couple without first talking to them about it.  This couple should not just have to suck it up and go on a trip (use up their leave and what have you) that they do not want to go on. 

ladyinthewhitedress

FH brought it up wit him last weekend and FFIL has offered to look into exchanging it for another cruise (there is nothing about a cruise ship that is even remotely appealing to me). Also, I came across the info that FIL sent north with FH. He can get his $$ back as long as he cancels before July of next year, so I think we are going to let it sit for awhile. There is a lot going on with the FILs right now, FMIL is just recovering from surgery (the cruise was gifted the day she went in to the hospital) and I think there is a fine line between letting him know that we want to plan our own honeymoon and throwing it back in his face.

[Deleted User]

We LOVE cruises but they aren't for everyone. What a very strange and odd thing to do. Is this common in his family? To just take the reins and do stuff like that? I also think it's very random he picked Canada... were there ever conversations between you guys or maybe FI growing up had a dream of going to that part of Canada?? Just really strange.

dalm0m

If you don't want this cruise & he can get his money back, there is no point in waiting to cancel. 

[Deleted User]

So, I have a friend who was hemming and hawwing about whether or not she wanted to change her last name after getting married.  Her in-laws gifted her and their son with non-refundable airline tickets and honeymoon reservations in what would have been her married name.  She ended up changing her name in order to use the tickets.  Talk about overbearing.

ladyinthewhitedress

@dalm0m he can get a full refund up until July of next year. FH has told him that we want to plan our own honeymoon, so if he wants to cancel he can, but I don't think it has to be brought up again for awhile unless it comes from FFIL. @RachelLee83 I actually looked at the itinerary and there are two stops in Canada before cruising home, but also a lot of time spent in port in Maine, so I'm really not sure what inspired this. FFIL can be VERY overbearing, but the flip side of this is that FH and other family members have adjusted to pushing back. 

Maggie0829

ladyinthewhitedress said:

@dalm0m he can get a full refund up until July of next year. FH has told him that we want to plan our own honeymoon, so if he wants to cancel he can, but I don't think it has to be brought up again for awhile unless it comes from FFIL. @RachelLee83 I actually looked at the itinerary and there are two stops in Canada before cruising home, but also a lot of time spent in port in Maine, so I'm really not sure what inspired this. FFIL can be VERY overbearing, but the flip side of this is that FH and other family members have adjusted to pushing back. 

I still think your FI should flat out say to his Dad "thanks for the offer of this trip, but lady and I are going to plan our own honeymoon so we will not be taking the cruise."  His Dad needs to know that you two have zero plans in taking this cruise that he purchased.  There really is no sense waiting to tell him this or making sure that he is clear on how you are going to proceed. The more you wait the more he may start thinking that you two are going to go on the cruise.