In-Law Predicament

FinallyTakenTaylor

So, I'm in the beginning stages of wedding planning. My future in-laws are very nice people, don't get me wrong, but, they are VERY cheap. That's normally not an issue because it's their decision to make and their way of life. But, I know traditionally the groom's parents plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. I would really love to be able to plan my own location (because it will be on-site of my venue more then likely). I know that they will not pay for that though. They will take us to a local pizza joint and pre-order a few large pizzas, a salad, and water for everyone to share (they have already hinted at this, so I'm not assuming, I know this is the plan). My wedding is going to be at a very nice location and I would love for the rehearsal dinner to be as well... Would it be rude or inappropriate to say something along the lines of: "I greatly appreciate you wanting to help pay for the wedding. It means so much to me! But, I have a location in mind for the rehearsal dinner already. It's on site of the venue and I know it's a little more expensive than a normal rehearsal dinner, so I would never ask you to pay for all of that. I think that giving us a monetary value of whatever you're wanting to contribute would benefit us the most. Thank you so much!" My mom says "Mmm, although ideal, that's not how it's done," but what do you all think? I need help!!

lyndausvi

Your mom is right.

Your options are accept their offer to host the RD.  As they hosts they decide the where.  If they ask for opinons on location, feel free to suggest the place you want.

Decline their request.

Maggie0829

FinallyTakenTaylor said:

So, I'm in the beginning stages of wedding planning. My future in-laws are very nice people, don't get me wrong, but, they are VERY cheap. That's normally not an issue because it's their decision to make and their way of life. But, I know traditionally the groom's parents plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner. I would really love to be able to plan my own location (because it will be on-site of my venue more then likely). I know that they will not pay for that though. They will take us to a local pizza joint and pre-order a few large pizzas, a salad, and water for everyone to share (they have already hinted at this, so I'm not assuming, I know this is the plan). My wedding is going to be at a very nice location and I would love for the rehearsal dinner to be as well... Would it be rude or inappropriate to say something along the lines of: "I greatly appreciate you wanting to help pay for the wedding. It means so much to me! But, I have a location in mind for the rehearsal dinner already. It's on site of the venue and I know it's a little more expensive than a normal rehearsal dinner, so I would never ask you to pay for all of that. I think that giving us a monetary value of whatever you're wanting to contribute would benefit us the most. Thank you so much!" My mom says "Mmm, although ideal, that's not how it's done," but what do you all think? I need help!!

Well they aren't helping to pay for the wedding.  The RD and wedding are two separate events. And have they even offered to host the RD?  If not, then it would be rude of you to say anything to them about doing so.  And if they do offer and you accept then they have full control over what they will and will not host and where it will take place.

So if you want this fancy RD then you and your FI need to pay for it yourself and decline any offer from them, if they ever give you one.

And the bolded.  Just no.  That is beyond rude.  You are basically asking them for money to do with as you please.  That is not how it works.  You never ask for money.  Period.

BouxRadley

Yes it's rude. You can't ask them for the money.You can ask them to have it at your location and if they say no, that's that. 

Pay for it yourself. That's your solution. If they pay, it's their party to host and they can have it wherever they please. 

twoleighs

Those who pay get a say.  If you want something other than what your FILs want to pay for, you get to pay for it yourself.

And the Groom's parents "traditionally" pay for the RD, but it is by no means required of them to do so.

And never ask anyone for money for your wedding.

Your mom was right on this: That's not how it's done.  

[Deleted User]

If you don't like the RD they're planning, decline their invitation to host it.  Tell them thanks but no thanks and you'll take it from here.  But then you can't get angry if they take their money and walk and give you nothing and no "support" for your wedding.

loveislouder

We paid for our rehearsal dinner ourselves.  Our wedding was in a rather fancy location, but we could only afford a back yard barbecue. It wasn't what we wanted but it was fabulous. Everyone had a great time.  

FinallyTakenTaylor

It is by no means a problem if I end up paying for the RD myself. I don't need or expect their money. I was trying to aim for a response so I could make them feel included in helping out with the wedding, and still get to pick the location. My thinking was "When the bride's parents pay for the wedding, they set a budget, but usually do not pick the location, so why can't we do the same with the groom's parents?" I really had no intentions of being rude!

Maggie0829

FinallyTakenTaylor said:

It is by no means a problem if I end up paying for the RD myself. I don't need or expect their money. I was trying to aim for a response so I could make them feel included in helping out with the wedding, and still get to pick the location. My thinking was "When the bride's parents pay for the wedding, they set a budget, but usually do not pick the location, so why can't we do the same with the groom's parents?" I really had no intentions of being rude!

That is not always the case with weddings.  Some parents will control every aspect of a couples wedding if they are paying.  You are just lucky that you have parents who don't do that.

Money comes with strings.  So you accept what they plan or you decline it all together.  And you never ask for money.

As someone who has been to a few RDs, a dinner at a pizza place sounds good to me.  Not everything has to be fancy when it comes to weddings.  A laid back RD may be a breath of fresh air and a way for everyone to relax instead of another fancy dinner.

redoryx

Maggie0829 said:

FinallyTakenTaylor said:

It is by no means a problem if I end up paying for the RD myself. I don't need or expect their money. I was trying to aim for a response so I could make them feel included in helping out with the wedding, and still get to pick the location. My thinking was "When the bride's parents pay for the wedding, they set a budget, but usually do not pick the location, so why can't we do the same with the groom's parents?" I really had no intentions of being rude!

That is not always the case with weddings.  Some parents will control every aspect of a couples wedding if they are paying.  You are just lucky that you have parents who don't do that.

Money comes with strings.  So you accept what they plan or you decline it all together.  And you never ask for money.

As someone who has been to a few RDs, a dinner at a pizza place sounds good to me.  Not everything has to be fancy when it comes to weddings.  A laid back RD may be a breath of fresh air and a way for everyone to relax instead of another fancy dinner.

This. One wedding i was in had a super swanky ceremony and reception but the RD was in a local Mexican joint, taco bar style. It was awesome. I'd be totally down for pizza.

peachy13

Have they even offered to pay for the RD though or are you just assuming (and on top of that, assuming that they will be cheap!)? You're counting your chickens before they hatch while biting the hand that feeds you at the same time. 

Can you and your fiance afford to host your RD at the location of your choosing? Then do that. Even if your future in laws have "hinted" at hosted a RD at a pizza joint (ain't nothing wrong with that, by the way), I would not assume they they are hosting the RD just from hints. There should be a conversation. And if they do straight-up offer and you want to decline, that is fine.

AddieCake

Looks like you're paying for your own rehearsal dinner.

hellohkb

You should decline and plan and host your own RD.

MyNameIsNot

FinallyTakenTaylor said:

It is by no means a problem if I end up paying for the RD myself. I don't need or expect their money. I was trying to aim for a response so I could make them feel included in helping out with the wedding, and still get to pick the location. My thinking was "When the bride's parents pay for the wedding, they set a budget, but usually do not pick the location, so why can't we do the same with the groom's parents?" I really had no intentions of being rude!

What? It's not uncommon for the contributing parents to just write a check, but usually parents who contribute will at least want a say in the venue and guest list. 

It's perfectly fine to decline a potential offer to host the RD, but don't ask them to just give you the money or to pay for something else. 

southernbelle0915

Decline their offer to host all together. Do not ask them to contribute to your own plans. Look at their offer as a 'take it or leave it' situation. If you take it, be gracious about it and don't let your vision get in the way of being polite to your in laws. If you leave it, host your own RD. Entirely yourself.

Viczaesar

Whatever you do, don't ask them for money.  Either accept their offer to host and pay for the rehearsal dinner, or decline and organize and pay for your own rehearsal dinner.

princessleia22

We had planned to pay for our own RD.  We ordered some pizza & soda and hosted it at our hotel (we had a destination wedding).  The day of the RD, my parents decided that they wanted to help pay for it.  They asked how much the pizzas were going to cost.  We had ordered them from a higher end pizza restaurant, so they weren't cheap (came to about $150 for 10 pizzas... plus tip).  My dad immediately balked at the price and asked why were weren't just getting pizzas from Little Caesar's or something cheap like that. He just didn't see the point spending that much when there was a cheaper option. We told him that we wanted something a bit higher quality and we were fine paying for it ourselves, as originally planned, if he thought it was too expensive. He decided (with some encouragement from Mom) to still pay for the pizza.

You have the choice of accepting their offer (when they actually make an offer) and letting them plan the RD themselves. You are welcome to voice your preferences if they ask, but the RD would be theirs to plan. Or you could decline their offer (when they actually make an offer) and plan the RD yourself, how you want it, and pay for it yourself. Do not ask them for any money or ask if they still want to contribute.  They may choose to still contribute to your party, but if they contribute, they may still get a say in the RD.  If you don't like their conditions, then decline all contributions from them.

[Deleted User]

princessleia22 said:

We had planned to pay for our own RD.  We ordered some pizza & soda and hosted it at our hotel (we had a destination wedding).  The day of the RD, my parents decided that they wanted to help pay for it.  They asked how much the pizzas were going to cost.  We had ordered them from a higher end pizza restaurant, so they weren't cheap (came to about $150 for 10 pizzas... plus tip).  My dad immediately balked at the price and asked why were weren't just getting pizzas from Little Caesar's or something cheap like that. He just didn't see the point spending that much when there was a cheaper option. We told him that we wanted something a bit higher quality and we were fine paying for it ourselves, as originally planned, if he thought it was too expensive. He decided (with some encouragement from Mom) to still pay for the pizza.

You have the choice of accepting their offer (when they actually make an offer) and letting them plan the RD themselves. You are welcome to voice your preferences if they ask, but the RD would be theirs to plan. Or you could decline their offer (when they actually make an offer) and plan the RD yourself, how you want it, and pay for it yourself. Do not ask them for any money or ask if they still want to contribute.  They may choose to still contribute to your party, but if they contribute, they may still get a say in the RD.  If you don't like their conditions, then decline all contributions from them.

God, what is it with dads and saving a few bucks?  When we were kids, my dad loved to save a few cents buying off brand American Cheese(ish) Singles.  Well, joke was on him because we never ate them.  We just stopped eating grilled cheese for a few weeks until the processed cheese food either went bad, dad ate it all himself, or mom went to the store and bought the real stuff to save us.  Though, I guess, thinking about it now, it probably did save some money because we just didn't eat cheese for a couple weeks.  Hmm, maybe he was on to something.

luckya23

princessleia22 said:

We had planned to pay for our own RD.  We ordered some pizza & soda and hosted it at our hotel (we had a destination wedding).  The day of the RD, my parents decided that they wanted to help pay for it.  They asked how much the pizzas were going to cost.  We had ordered them from a higher end pizza restaurant, so they weren't cheap (came to about $150 for 10 pizzas... plus tip).  My dad immediately balked at the price and asked why were weren't just getting pizzas from Little Caesar's or something cheap like that. He just didn't see the point spending that much when there was a cheaper option. We told him that we wanted something a bit higher quality and we were fine paying for it ourselves, as originally planned, if he thought it was too expensive. He decided (with some encouragement from Mom) to still pay for the pizza.

You have the choice of accepting their offer (when they actually make an offer) and letting them plan the RD themselves. You are welcome to voice your preferences if they ask, but the RD would be theirs to plan. Or you could decline their offer (when they actually make an offer) and plan the RD yourself, how you want it, and pay for it yourself. Do not ask them for any money or ask if they still want to contribute.  They may choose to still contribute to your party, but if they contribute, they may still get a say in the RD.  If you don't like their conditions, then decline all contributions from them.

Wow, $15 isn't a "higher end" pizza around here!

princessleia22

luckya23 said:

princessleia22 said:

We had planned to pay for our own RD.  We ordered some pizza & soda and hosted it at our hotel (we had a destination wedding).  The day of the RD, my parents decided that they wanted to help pay for it.  They asked how much the pizzas were going to cost.  We had ordered them from a higher end pizza restaurant, so they weren't cheap (came to about $150 for 10 pizzas... plus tip).  My dad immediately balked at the price and asked why were weren't just getting pizzas from Little Caesar's or something cheap like that. He just didn't see the point spending that much when there was a cheaper option. We told him that we wanted something a bit higher quality and we were fine paying for it ourselves, as originally planned, if he thought it was too expensive. He decided (with some encouragement from Mom) to still pay for the pizza.

You have the choice of accepting their offer (when they actually make an offer) and letting them plan the RD themselves. You are welcome to voice your preferences if they ask, but the RD would be theirs to plan. Or you could decline their offer (when they actually make an offer) and plan the RD yourself, how you want it, and pay for it yourself. Do not ask them for any money or ask if they still want to contribute.  They may choose to still contribute to your party, but if they contribute, they may still get a say in the RD.  If you don't like their conditions, then decline all contributions from them.

Wow, $15 isn't a "higher end" pizza around here!

That's about average of what DH and I pay for pizza around here too.  But, my dad loves Little Caesar's and spending more than $5 for a pizza seems like a waste of money to him and anything more than that is considered high end to him.

madamerwin

I agree with PPs - don't ask them for money. Either accept their offer (assuming they actually offered to host), or host it yourself.

H's dad and stepmom offered to help pay for our rehearsal dinner. They did not pick a venue; H and I chose a pizza parlor, ordered a bunch of pizzas, and opened a tab for the salad bar and pitchers of soda and beer. It was not fancy or expensive, but it was really fun and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Jen4948

Jumping on the "don't ask for money" bandwagon.

Also, the groom's parents might throw a rehearsal dinner, but this is not "traditional" or required. If you want them to do it, though, then you will have to accept what they offer without making any requests for a more upscale restaurant. If you want the more upscale restaurant, you will have to pay for it yourself. They who pay get a say.