Mother of the Groom vent: Father of Groom being a Pill about wedding

Knottie1435529116

 I've never been on a wedding board and had friends-only small private wedding(s) myself--no family present--so big weddings are a mystery.  It seems like it's all about the bride and her family in planning the details while groom's family does what? Pays for certain things but doesn't decide the when and where of the wedding? Right?
My son met a nice girl in college, dated long distance and now shares a place in another state. They just got engaged this past month and now--whoosh--there's marriage plans in 6 months during the holidays several states away. It's an inconvenient time of year and place (for us) but her family has connections there (grandparents) so they will travel even further than we will. I figure, we just suck it up and support them.  HOWEVER,  my DH is really being difficult about attending and our other 2 kids are to be in the wedding party.  He seems to think that they are being unreasonable in their choice of setting, doesn't want to travel to that state or have it during the holidays. He believes groom is just being led around by the bride and is being run over.  In my opinion, she's excited and son wants her to be happy; he's bemused by the whole thing. It seems more like the bride and her Mom are really into the process--probably normal.  Anyway--husband won't look at bride's plans except grudgingly if at all, won't respond to pleasant note from her parents, talks about not going.  He is joining up with HIS family to say that son should wait until 30 to get married and more settled in higher paying career and not in the state they are living in. Son will be 28. Fiance got job first, so he followed so as not to be apart. Career opportunities are OK but not what he could be making. Father lays that on making relationship count before career, I think. Husband thinks our son should come to his senses about the wedding plan being exclusionary;  his side of family won't attend at all due to time and place (and are being kind of dicks about it, imho).

Anyway, I'm trying to go with the flow because I don't want son's family to be a sour note on a happy occasion. But to DH it *will* be a hardship to attend  and I just know he's thinking money and time spent on something happening that he isn't convinced of.  He liked the bride to be just fine until news of the engagement-wedding.   I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

CMGragain

Is DH paying for the wedding?  No?  Then he gets no say in it.
Congratulations!  You will soon be enjoying a new daughter-in-law.  Maybe you will be a grandmother one of these days!
Ignore your husband.  If he wants to alienate his future daughter-in-law and possible grandchildren, then there is nothing you can do about it.  Go to the wedding and express your happiness for the couple.  Tell your DH that you plan to do this, and if he wants to be all alone, it is his choice.  I'm guessing that he will come around.  Refuse to discuss it with him, or with anybody else.

CMGragain

Knottie1435529116 said:

 I've never been on a wedding board and had friends-only small private wedding(s) myself--no family present--so big weddings are a mystery.  It seems like it's all about the bride and her family in planning the details while groom's family does what? Pays for certain things but doesn't decide the when and where of the wedding? Right?
My son met a nice girl in college, dated long distance and now shares a place in another state. They just got engaged this past month and now--whoosh--there's marriage plans in 6 months during the holidays several states away. It's an inconvenient time of year and place (for us) but her family has connections there (grandparents) so they will travel even further than we will. I figure, we just suck it up and support them.  HOWEVER,  my DH is really being difficult about attending and our other 2 kids are to be in the wedding party.  He seems to think that they are being unreasonable in their choice of setting, doesn't want to travel to that state or have it during the holidays. He believes groom is just being led around by the bride and is being run over.  In my opinion, she's excited and son wants her to be happy; he's bemused by the whole thing. It seems more like the bride and her Mom are really into the process--probably normal.  Anyway--husband won't look at bride's plans except grudgingly if at all, won't respond to pleasant note from her parents, talks about not going.  He is joining up with HIS family to say that son should wait until 30 to get married and more settled in higher paying career and not in the state they are living in. Son will be 28. Fiance got job first, so he followed so as not to be apart. Career opportunities are OK but not what he could be making. Father lays that on making relationship count before career, I think. Husband thinks our son should come to his senses about the wedding plan being exclusionary;  his side of family won't attend at all due to time and place (and are being kind of dicks about it, imho).

Anyway, I'm trying to go with the flow because I don't want son's family to be a sour note on a happy occasion. But to DH it *will* be a hardship to attend  and I just know he's thinking money and time spent on something happening that he isn't convinced of.  He liked the bride to be just fine until news of the engagement-wedding.   I feel caught between a rock and a hard place.

Oops!  I mean to copy and highlight your text.
PS.  The groom's family has no obligation to pay for anything.  Very often, they pay for the rehearsal dinner, but it is not required.

VarunaTT

No one's family has an obligation to pay for anything.  Tradition states groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, but that's increasingly antiquated.

I'd sit my husband down and tell him that he's going to alienate our child and his wife.  And your son will choose his wife over his father.  Husband doesn't have to look at the wedding plans, he doesn't have to care, hell he doesn't have to do anything for this wedding, but he will go, be polite, and STFU for all the rest of it so the relationship between all of you doesn't have a nearly unforgivable moment trapped in it.  The two of you presumably raised an adult man who is making adult decisions and doesn't need his father's approval and can and will live without it for his wife.  I'd stop giving an ear to husband's complaining and I would make it very clear that I wasn't going to listen to husband's family's complaints either and that no one would be making these complaints known to the bride and groom.  

In everything you've laid out, I don't really see anything so horrible that it can't be overcome. Inconvenient, yes, but it's a big moment in people's lives and the bride and groom might've just had to pick the best date/place they could for the most VIPs and gone with it.  Could your DH be having some emotions re: everything that he isn't dealing with well?

MesmrEwe

He doesn't want to be involved...  Don't force him to be!  You're the FMIL, and potentially the future GM too - tell your son and the bride to communicate all things wedding with you instead of him.  He doesn't need to respond to anything.  If your son is getting married, it's his responsibility to pay for things, not yours.  If you choose to help out in any way, that's YOUR choice.  When your money is involved you get a say, to an extent ("you have a $700 flower budget to work with, use it responsibly, tell me when/where to call in the CC number", not "you're getting green roses" for example).. 

I am going to defend him (YH/FFIL) on the traveling during the holidays for multiple states away trip not being convenient nor really enjoyable (traveling OOT with DH & kids isn't my idea of fun most of the time either - especially if it involves airlines!).  Essentially he's (son) asking people to choose his wedding over family time especially when people have limited vacation time off.  Someone does need to be the "voice of reason" with your son about how inconvenient it is to be asking people to spend THOUSANDS of dollars just to attend (travel, rentals, and just regular wedding expenses) and on short notice (yes, 6-mo is a short time to come up with this kind of money for most people!).  Yes, you'll be there (reiterate this to your), but he has to understand you won't be able to support him emotionally and financially as much as you'd like in the weeks leading up to the wedding as you'd like to because of the distance.

He's old enough to make his own choices and the wedding date/location being one of them.  If you choose to help him out in any way, that's your choice, but try to be involved.  Maybe do a shower/engagement party over Thanksgiving at your place for those unable to travel to the DW.  In a sense it's "stealing your thunder" as a parent wanting to be involved in all things wedding even though you're the MOG, there are still things that you'd love to be involved with.  Like all things wedding, keep the lines of communication open - most problems are caused by communications.  Good luck!!!

Jen4948

MesmrEwe said:

He doesn't want to be involved...  Don't force him to be!  You're the FMIL, and potentially the future GM too - tell your son and the bride to communicate all things wedding with you instead of him.  He doesn't need to respond to anything.  If your son is getting married, it's his responsibility to pay for things, not yours.  If you choose to help out in any way, that's YOUR choice.  When your money is involved you get a say, to an extent ("you have a $700 flower budget to work with, use it responsibly, tell me when/where to call in the CC number", not "you're getting green roses" for example).. 

I am going to defend him (YH/FFIL) on the traveling during the holidays for multiple states away trip not being convenient nor really enjoyable (traveling OOT with DH & kids isn't my idea of fun most of the time either - especially if it involves airlines!).  Essentially he's (son) asking people to choose his wedding over family time especially when people have limited vacation time off.  Someone does need to be the "voice of reason" with your son about how inconvenient it is to be asking people to spend THOUSANDS of dollars just to attend (travel, rentals, and just regular wedding expenses) and on short notice (yes, 6-mo is a short time to come up with this kind of money for most people!).  Yes, you'll be there (reiterate this to your), but he has to understand you won't be able to support him emotionally and financially as much as you'd like in the weeks leading up to the wedding as you'd like to because of the distance.

He's old enough to make his own choices and the wedding date/location being one of them.  If you choose to help him out in any way, that's your choice, but try to be involved.  Maybe do a shower/engagement party over Thanksgiving at your place for those unable to travel to the DW.  In a sense it's "stealing your thunder" as a parent wanting to be involved in all things wedding even though you're the MOG, there are still things that you'd love to be involved with.  Like all things wedding, keep the lines of communication open - most problems are caused by communications.  Good luck!!!

I agree with this. I'd also forget about what "tradition" claims are the responsibilities of the POG because they aren't. But as those who pay get a say and those who don't do not, I would ask your son and FDIL to bring all wedding-related discussions to you and not to bring them up with your husband, and respond to any grumbles from your husband that those who pay get the say, and if he doesn't want to pay or go to the wedding, that's his choice, but so are any consequences, including any damage to his relationship with your son and FDIL.

Knottie1435529116

Thanks for the advice. Part of the issue is that son and fiance live several states away; we only see them once--twice if lucky yearly-- due to the distance. Her family lives several states away in another direction and she has no connection/friends in our state.  So, everything is being done long distance.
Her extended family seems to do the snowbird thing while we have no connection to that location. So, the future inlaws are going to be partying it up with their family for a week in a rented house while we try to find someplace affordable to stay for a few days. So, we feel a bit disconnected as we're trying to feel part of this fast moving event.

mrscomposer

Knottie1435529116 said:

Thanks for the advice. Part of the issue is that son and fiance live several states away; we only see them once--twice if lucky yearly-- due to the distance. Her family lives several states away in another direction and she has no connection/friends in our state.  So, everything is being done long distance.
Her extended family seems to do the snowbird thing while we have no connection to that location. So, the future inlaws are going to be partying it up with their family for a week in a rented house while we try to find someplace affordable to stay for a few days. So, we feel a bit disconnected as we're trying to feel part of this fast moving event.

You're as connected as you want to be.  The more effort you put in, the more connected you'll be - it's like any other relationship.

For the other side of things - my entire family lives in one province, and I met my husband in his hometown in another province.  My FIL has no kidneys and has to do dialysis three times a week for 4-5 hours each time - I was NOT going to ask him to travel to Alberta.  So that meant that my entire side of the guestlist had to travel an average of 10 hours to a location they had no connection with, to spend the weekend with people they didn't know. My parents were more familiar with the area, as they had come to visit me there a few times, but everyone else was travelling blind.  I made it as easy as possible on them, and was very understanding with the people who couldn't come, and it turned out to be fantastic. 

FYI - the comment about the snowbird thing - my mom decided that even though we weren't anywhere tropical, because she was travelling meant that this was a destination wedding.  She brought her own palm tree decoration and was happy as a clam.

CMGragain

My daughter was married 2000 miles away from us, and we paid for everything except the rehearsal dinner.  It was fine.
DH is still grousing about the expense of staying in a hotel for three nights (in Washington, DC!) and the airfare, but he is very happy with his son-in-law and two year old grandson.  We SKYPE often.  It is all good.

*Barbie*

I agree that the travel during holidays is going to be inconvenient and more expensive, so that aspect sucks; however, your husband really needs a 'ho sit down" card. It would have been nice if your son had discussed the date and location with you before booking anything , but if he didn't there's no use in your H and his family getting on son about it now. Typically a B&G will check with immediate family/VIP guests before booking to make sure that as many people are available as possible - but they can't accommodate everyone - and ultimately it's up to the B&G and and the hosts. 

if you and your H are willing to help pay for a portion of the wedding/reception, be sure to let them know the amount any any strings up front. (e.g. we'll pay for the flowers, but [only from florist "A"/only if they are real/only if you include yellow roses/whatever] ) - you're under no obligation to pay for anything (after all, this isn't your wedding.)

FWIW, my ILs hosted our entire wedding and rehearsal dinner. We held it in their city (where we also lived, at the time) - so my entire family had to travel. ILs still would have hosted it in my hometown (300mi away), but it was easier to coordinate in their city (since we all lived there).  ILs had also hosted both of SILs' weddings there in the 2 years before ours, so  they had a good bit of insight into local vendors. Your fDIL and son may be thinking along those same lines (if they are familiar with the area/vendors/ease of planning.)

My sister (MOH) was still in college at the time, so we tried to be mindful of her probable mid-terms schedule when we booked our October wedding. 

TheCheeseWench

VarunaTT said:

No one's family has an obligation to pay for anything.  Tradition states groom's family pays for rehearsal dinner and honeymoon, but that's increasingly antiquated.

I'd sit my husband down and tell him that he's going to alienate our child and his wife.  And your son will choose his wife over his father.  Husband doesn't have to look at the wedding plans, he doesn't have to care, hell he doesn't have to do anything for this wedding, but he will go, be polite, and STFU for all the rest of it so the relationship between all of you doesn't have a nearly unforgivable moment trapped in it.  The two of you presumably raised an adult man who is making adult decisions and doesn't need his father's approval and can and will live without it for his wife.  I'd stop giving an ear to husband's complaining and I would make it very clear that I wasn't going to listen to husband's family's complaints either and that no one would be making these complaints known to the bride and groom.  

In everything you've laid out, I don't really see anything so horrible that it can't be overcome. Inconvenient, yes, but it's a big moment in people's lives and the bride and groom might've just had to pick the best date/place they could for the most VIPs and gone with it.  Could your DH be having some emotions re: everything that he isn't dealing with well?

******************************************************************************************

^^^^^ This. He needs to put his big boy manties on and quit causing you stress. You didn't choose or book the wedding, nor can you change it. Tell him to go piss on his own cheerios and let you enjoy this exciting time with your son and new daughter.

CMGragain

This would be just me, but if I had to, I would have reminded DH that the cost of traveling to attend his sons wedding is much cheaper than a divorce attorney's fees.  My DH knew he had no choice without that threat.  I can be formidable when I want to.

VarunaTT

I know I enjoy threatening divorce when I don't get my way.  It's such a great thing to fling at your partner's head rather than having rational discussions to get to the bottom of the problem and find a compromise.

mrsconn23

CMGragain said:

This would be just me, but if I had to, I would have reminded DH that the cost of traveling to attend his sons wedding is much cheaper than a divorce attorney's fees.  My DH knew he had no choice without that threat.  I can be formidable when I want to.

Heffalump

I threatened to divorce DH if he didn't stop humming the same eight bars of the theme song from The Piano.

MegEn1

I'll add a quick word here if I may.

I'd be much more worried about DH's attitude toward your future DIL. She is going to be family, he seems to have thought well of her until the wedding. I imagine she would be very very hurt to know that his opinion is changing because they tried to put a wedding that was in a fair location between both families. What a stressful thing for her too -- plan this wedding but do it in such a way to be convenient to DH or else?! Forget about the wedding; focus on the relationship between DH and FDIL because if this is a grudge he holds on to it's going to cause even more strife and it's going to spread, when it sounds like your DIL isn't trying to be malicious, she's just trying to plan a wedding with a lot of factors involved. 

CMGragain

Heffalump said:

I threatened to divorce DH if he didn't stop humming the same eight bars of the theme song from The Piano.

Come on!  There is a huge difference between refusing to attend your son's wedding because it is inconvenient, and an irritating habit.  My DH complained a bit (Most FOBs do!) but if he had done anything like the OP  in Mrs. Conn's post said, we are talking major war!

Heffalump

CMGragain said:

Heffalump said:

I threatened to divorce DH if he didn't stop humming the same eight bars of the theme song from The Piano.

Come on!  There is a huge difference between refusing to attend your son's wedding because it is inconvenient, and an irritating habit.  My DH complained a bit (Most FOBs do!) but if he had done anything like the OP  in Mrs. Conn's post said, we are talking major war!

^^^ joke

No worries, no attorneys have actually been consulted.

[Deleted User]

Your husband and his family don't have to go if they are being pains about this wedding. Sure you and his son will miss him but he has to understand that he just can't interfere with his adult son's life.

VicTim328

The first thing to address with your husband is why he is contesting the wedding.  Why is there a difference between 28 and 30?  Frankly, at this point in life, your son's readiness for marriage should be based off of his level of maturity.  I know plenty of men in their 30's who are not "established" (read living in mother's basement because of lack of job security) and/or do not have the maturity to get married, but 22 year olds who are ready for that step. Setting a desired annual income should not be the only qualification for your son to marry (remember the traditional vow, for richer or poorer).  If your son or FDIL were in school and had a year left, or something to that affect, it would be a little more understandable to put a time stamp on things.  From what I can read, your son AND FDIL both have stable/steady careers, and have been established in them for a while.  Jobs can change, as can where they live.  It sounds as if your son has put his father's career aspirations for him on hold to allow his FI's career to flourish.  It's not something to be ashamed of.  They are adults, and at this point are perfectly capable of making their own decisions. It sounds like they have been in a relationship for over half of a decade, so an engagement should have come at no surprise.  Many long relationships have shorter engagements.  The couple already knows the expectations the other has, where they will live etc.

I have to wonder, since your son started his relationship with this young woman, what has her relationship been to your entire family?  Has it been extremely warm, where she fits right in as a member, or has it been pleasant, but no actual strong bonds made?   I agree that if he doesn't go, it will drive a wedge between your son and FDIL.  When they visit you, do they have to take vacation time?  If so, it is perfectly reasonable for them to ask at least you and your DH to take a few vacation days for them. If it was a sunny relationship that your DH is now objecting to, it sounds like your son is more mature than his father is.  Your DH cannot control your son's life.  He can occasionally make suggestions, but that is all.  You both have raised your son to be a self-sufficient adult.

Being that it is over the holidays, why is your husband adamant about staying with his family? Aren't you and the rest of your children going to be at the wedding?  He should be prioritizing the family he started during the holidays.  This is a rare opportunity where BOTH families can spend some quality time together.  It should be a bonding experience.  Being that FDIL's parents have already reached out to you both, I wouldn't be surprised if they want to bond with you over this experience.  They may even be trying to help build bonds between your FDIL and DH.  If you have concerns about them "partying it up in some house while you are in a hotel," discuss with the MOB if there are events going on during the wedding (girls time out to get mani-pedis, day after brunch, group ski lessons).  If your husband maintains this attitude (even if he attends) it will still hurt your relationship with son and FDIL.  Actions and attitudes will both show them your level of support.

When my cousin and his wife got married, the separate families stayed at different hotels, but there were different things each day.  My cousin went mini-golfing with the male members of the bride's family, and she went and got mani-pedis with his family.  It was an opportunity for us to make her feel a part of our family and bond with us.

DO NOT give your son a hard time about the location or date of the wedding, and do not let your husband do either.  It is their decision, and they put a lot of thought into the location and time of wedding.  The day is not about you, and you are not footing the bill.  The only response should be "Your father and I are thrilled for you, and will figure out a way to make it work."  When you give your son a hard time, he will either ignore you, or go to his wife (at your request) and talk about why he no longer thinks it is the right decision (changing your mind about a location after contracts are signed is a lot of work and money).  It is putting him between a rock and a hard place. Ask how you can make things easier for them. If attending the wedding is in fact too much of a financial burden, ask your son if they will have a videographer who can livestream the wedding so that those who cannot attend can still watch and celebrate from afar.

Another alternative is to host a reception where you live for the couple the next time they can visit, so that those who are closer by can celebrate their new life together.  My college roommate did something like this.  She and her DH were married on our campus right after graduation.  They had a light reception, and flew out the the other coast where she was from, for her family's reception.  They packed up a van with her stuff, and did a giant road trip for their honeymoon, stopping where he was from for his family's reception, and they continued to their new home. 

With our wedding, I am the only one who has a small portion of family members where my FI and I live, we decided to do a DW (just about everyone had to travel anyways).  My FI's mother passed just before we met, and he wanted to honor his parents' love and marriage by getting married on their anniversary.  He let me select a location that would honor my family.  We didn't realize when we picked everything that it was Easter Monday.  We've taken it in stride, as this will be the first time our families will celebrate a holiday TOGETHER.  We've set up several events for the families  to bond.  My mother reaches out to FFIL regularly about the wedding.  He doesn't provide too much insight or opinions, and he isn't contributing too much financially, but she wants to bond with the man who will be grandpa to her grandchildren.  Her purpose is not for input.  She wants to honor my FI's mother, knowing she would want input, knowing she would want to know about us.  My mother wants to know how the man I will occasionally be spending holidays with will treat me.  She wants him to be pleased that his son has a second support system.  A marriage is not just two people coming together.  It is a marriage of families, traditions, friends....