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My Sister is Having a PPD...

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Re: My Sister is Having a PPD...

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    debbeaudebbeau member
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    Knottie1427322490 said:
    This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for.  Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do.  You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision. 

    This is a great place to talk about it. We are a sounding board who give feedback that can sometimes put things in perspective. I don't think the OP is making any decisions based on what we say but seeing how other people would feel If this happened to them. OP sorry this happened to you. I am sure you would have attended giving the option.
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    banana468banana468 member
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    pinupbride6189 said:
    I just got off the phone with my mom, and I think there were moments when we were both tearing up. I didn't yell or anything, but I did let her know how hurt I felt and how upsetting it was that between my mom, my dad, and my sister, everyone kind of silently agreed that it was ok not to let me know before hand. 

    She honestly didn't think I'd be upset or even want to come down for "the paperwork." She said that to her, that wasn't their wedding, it was just a step they took to get her in the Navy's system, and that she didn't feel any type of emotional reaction to the ceremony. I really don't know how that's possible because I felt a lot just from the pictures they were kind enough to text me. 

    Once she realized how hurt I was she was very apologetic and wished she could fix it. I know she wasn't the ringleader or anything, and I didn't call to purposely try and upset her, I just kind of feel like shit about the whole thing. I'm still debating on whether or not, and when to call my sister, mostly just because she's the type of person that if she doesn't like how the conversation is going, she just hangs up the phone.
    Are your parents understanding that until June 26th, there were couples who couldn't legally complete "the paperwork"? 

    Would you see your sister in person anytime soon?   Because I think a conversation like that isn't one for the phone.
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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    banana468 said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    I just got off the phone with my mom, and I think there were moments when we were both tearing up. I didn't yell or anything, but I did let her know how hurt I felt and how upsetting it was that between my mom, my dad, and my sister, everyone kind of silently agreed that it was ok not to let me know before hand. 

    She honestly didn't think I'd be upset or even want to come down for "the paperwork." She said that to her, that wasn't their wedding, it was just a step they took to get her in the Navy's system, and that she didn't feel any type of emotional reaction to the ceremony. I really don't know how that's possible because I felt a lot just from the pictures they were kind enough to text me. 

    Once she realized how hurt I was she was very apologetic and wished she could fix it. I know she wasn't the ringleader or anything, and I didn't call to purposely try and upset her, I just kind of feel like shit about the whole thing. I'm still debating on whether or not, and when to call my sister, mostly just because she's the type of person that if she doesn't like how the conversation is going, she just hangs up the phone.
    Are your parents understanding that until June 26th, there were couples who couldn't legally complete "the paperwork"? 

    Would you see your sister in person anytime soon?   Because I think a conversation like that isn't one for the phone.
    Well, unfortunately I'd be willing to put money on the fact that at worst, my mother believes that those people still shouldn't be able to complete said paperwork, and at best is apathetic about it. I was raised in a very conservative southern baptist household. I thought about pointing it out, though, but every time that comes up it causes a fight.

    I don't have any current plans to visit soon, because I was trying to save all of my leave for the slew of weddings that are happening at the beginning of next year (my cousin, sister, and me are all getting married, or having a party as the case may be, in Feb, March, and April respectively). I might just have to make time to drive down though. We just saw each other in May and I was thinking that would last until the holidays.

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    banana468banana468 member
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    pinupbride6189 said:
    banana468 said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    I just got off the phone with my mom, and I think there were moments when we were both tearing up. I didn't yell or anything, but I did let her know how hurt I felt and how upsetting it was that between my mom, my dad, and my sister, everyone kind of silently agreed that it was ok not to let me know before hand. 

    She honestly didn't think I'd be upset or even want to come down for "the paperwork." She said that to her, that wasn't their wedding, it was just a step they took to get her in the Navy's system, and that she didn't feel any type of emotional reaction to the ceremony. I really don't know how that's possible because I felt a lot just from the pictures they were kind enough to text me. 

    Once she realized how hurt I was she was very apologetic and wished she could fix it. I know she wasn't the ringleader or anything, and I didn't call to purposely try and upset her, I just kind of feel like shit about the whole thing. I'm still debating on whether or not, and when to call my sister, mostly just because she's the type of person that if she doesn't like how the conversation is going, she just hangs up the phone.
    Are your parents understanding that until June 26th, there were couples who couldn't legally complete "the paperwork"? 

    Would you see your sister in person anytime soon?   Because I think a conversation like that isn't one for the phone.
    Well, unfortunately I'd be willing to put money on the fact that at worst, my mother believes that those people still shouldn't be able to complete said paperwork, and at best is apathetic about it. I was raised in a very conservative southern baptist household. I thought about pointing it out, though, but every time that comes up it causes a fight.

    I don't have any current plans to visit soon, because I was trying to save all of my leave for the slew of weddings that are happening at the beginning of next year (my cousin, sister, and me are all getting married, or having a party as the case may be, in Feb, March, and April respectively). I might just have to make time to drive down though. We just saw each other in May and I was thinking that would last until the holidays.
    Then I'd take a different route: like plenty of people have only had ceremonies by the JOP so would those be considered just paperwork?   If your BIL tragically passes away, does your mom think that your sister should not be recognized as his wife because they only did paperwork?

    I'd try to make the time to talk it out.   Life is busy but if it was my family it would warrant face time. 
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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    photokitty said:
    I call BS on you mom's "no emotional reaction," if she really didn't think it was important she wouldn't have gone to the courthouse for the "step to get your sister into the Navy's system." My mom didn't go with us to pick up our marriage certificate, bc that was just a step so we could get married. Your mom went tot he courthouse bc she knew your sister was getting married. If my mom tried to feed me that line of crap I'd be furious. IMHO, your mom is covering for your sister and encouraging her selfish behavior.

    I'm so sorry. I would have to tell me sister ho I feel, that's how I process tuff. But I wouldn't expect anything form her. She knew when she made her decision. I bet your mom didn't tell you bc she didn't think your sister would tell you...mom was just going to happily go along with he line bc at least she got to attend the real wedding.
    That's another thing. It wasn't even just a courthouse thing. They picked up the license I'm guessing on Friday, waited until Sunday, went to a scenic spot on the pier downtown, and had my mom's longtime friend perform the ceremony. It was at least somewhat, a planned event that thought went into. They even thought it was important enough to take pictures! They exchanged rings, kissed, etc. 

    I'm actually pretty sure the only reason my sister called and told me was because my mom told her that it was, at least in her thought process, the right thing to do. I love my sister to death, but she's not the most empathetic or polite person on the planet.  She didn't ask me to be her MOH, but when we went dress shopping together, she told the consultant I was. I said, "I am?" and she said, "Well yeah, I figured you'd just assume, because duh." 

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    redoryxredoryx member
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    pinupbride6189 said:
    photokitty said:
    I call BS on you mom's "no emotional reaction," if she really didn't think it was important she wouldn't have gone to the courthouse for the "step to get your sister into the Navy's system." My mom didn't go with us to pick up our marriage certificate, bc that was just a step so we could get married. Your mom went tot he courthouse bc she knew your sister was getting married. If my mom tried to feed me that line of crap I'd be furious. IMHO, your mom is covering for your sister and encouraging her selfish behavior.

    I'm so sorry. I would have to tell me sister ho I feel, that's how I process tuff. But I wouldn't expect anything form her. She knew when she made her decision. I bet your mom didn't tell you bc she didn't think your sister would tell you...mom was just going to happily go along with he line bc at least she got to attend the real wedding.
    That's another thing. It wasn't even just a courthouse thing. They picked up the license I'm guessing on Friday, waited until Sunday, went to a scenic spot on the pier downtown, and had my mom's longtime friend perform the ceremony. It was at least somewhat, a planned event that thought went into. They even thought it was important enough to take pictures! They exchanged rings, kissed, etc. 

    I'm actually pretty sure the only reason my sister called and told me was because my mom told her that it was, at least in her thought process, the right thing to do. I love my sister to death, but she's not the most empathetic or polite person on the planet.  She didn't ask me to be her MOH, but when we went dress shopping together, she told the consultant I was. I said, "I am?" and she said, "Well yeah, I figured you'd just assume, because duh." 

    This just keeps getting worse and worse. I mean, I know I'm all snarky regarding this but that seriously sucks, I'd be so hurt if my family did this to me.
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    thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
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    The more and more of this I read, the more I just want to give you a hug! How can they be so dismissive of your feelings!

    Evil me would also do something like posting to FB something like "I so sad I wasn't invited *sister's* wedding this weekend! At least I got to see the pics!"
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    banana468banana468 member
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    jacques27 said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    photokitty said:
    I call BS on you mom's "no emotional reaction," if she really didn't think it was important she wouldn't have gone to the courthouse for the "step to get your sister into the Navy's system." My mom didn't go with us to pick up our marriage certificate, bc that was just a step so we could get married. Your mom went tot he courthouse bc she knew your sister was getting married. If my mom tried to feed me that line of crap I'd be furious. IMHO, your mom is covering for your sister and encouraging her selfish behavior.

    I'm so sorry. I would have to tell me sister ho I feel, that's how I process tuff. But I wouldn't expect anything form her. She knew when she made her decision. I bet your mom didn't tell you bc she didn't think your sister would tell you...mom was just going to happily go along with he line bc at least she got to attend the real wedding.
    That's another thing. It wasn't even just a courthouse thing. They picked up the license I'm guessing on Friday, waited until Sunday, went to a scenic spot on the pier downtown, and had my mom's longtime friend perform the ceremony. It was at least somewhat, a planned event that thought went into. They even thought it was important enough to take pictures! They exchanged rings, kissed, etc. 

    I'm actually pretty sure the only reason my sister called and told me was because my mom told her that it was, at least in her thought process, the right thing to do. I love my sister to death, but she's not the most empathetic or polite person on the planet.  She didn't ask me to be her MOH, but when we went dress shopping together, she told the consultant I was. I said, "I am?" and she said, "Well yeah, I figured you'd just assume, because duh." 
    I call bullshit on your mom then.  They picked out a spot and had an actual ceremony performed by your mom's longtime friend and your mom felt absolutely nothing?  This ceremony had absolutely no meaning whatsoever?  Friend just happened to be walking by and they accosted him or her out of convenience?  Your mom had the exact same emotional reaction to her longtime friend performing a ceremony marrying her daughter as she would to standing in the checkout line in Target or doing her laundry?  Either your mom is one stone-cold b or she's backpedaling hard with bullshit because it was a tremendously shitty thing to do to you.  I'm sorry.

    I hope lurkers take note about how truly, truly hurtful lying to your loved ones can be.
    This.   I would have a seriously hard time with a lot of my family if this happened.   And while I wouldn't be passive aggressive on FB, I would be venting to some other people about what happened because of how hurt I was.
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    justsuziejustsuzie member
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    edited July 2015
    photokitty said:
    This is not something you should be asking strangers advice for.  Ask yourself what the right thing is for you to do.  You care more than anyone else, and will have to live with your decision. 
    Many of us are not strangers to pinup or each other. You need to do a little more lurking and change your screen name. Some your advice and comments haven't been very on point...this is a prime example. I'm sorry you're going through this pinup. I'd be crushed. She and her husband were acting very selfishly. The fact that they invited the parents, but not the siblings would really hurt me. And that you are still welcome to buy a dress and pretend at the ppd. I assume she'll expect a shower and bachelorette party too? :unamused: hang in there!
    No thanks about lurking and changing my name.  I'd rather form my own opinion rather than lurk around and appease others who have been on here longer. 

     I wanted pinup to think about what decision she would be fine living with.  It is easy for us to say what we think and what we would do, but in the end we don't have to live with the consequences. And I am aware that people know each other on here, but others don't and their advice may not be the best for pinup.  Sorry if you don't agree.  That sometimes happens. 
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    kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle member
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    My cousin got married, and had her PPD 6 months later. Her brother posted about it on FB, so we all found out that way. My parents still went to the PPD but we declined, I wasn't going to end my honeymoon early to fly across the country for that.
    Love her, but when I was told it was to make it easier for her because she was moving to the US and the "paperwork" would help, it really rubbed me the wrong way.

    I would absolutely be talking more to my family if my sibling pulled that. Agreed with if something happens to one of them - are they not "really married"? And from the amount of effort they put into having a ceremony, they just had a small wedding. I would be very hurt. No way would I host a shower etc after that.
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    arrrghmateyarrrghmatey member
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    My sister had TWO PPDs…Well, maybe it was just one. She and her first husband were legally married before they went into the military so they could be stationed together. She was playing the whole PPD for a year and a half later. I spent $300 on a bridesmaids dress (my own money from my savings, since I was only 15). Parents put down deposits on a venue and caterer. Loe and behold, a little over a year later, they divorced.

    Fast forward to her future marriage, which was also a legal ceremony followed by a PPD due to her getting knocked up ("I want to be able to fit in my wedding dress!"--her exact words). And it was a DW for almost everybody. To this day, if she brings up her most recent "wedding", I point out that her wedding was when she got married in the courthouse, not the fancy celebration that followed nearly a year later--that was a PPD. She just scoffed and rolls her eyes with a dismissive "whatever."

    She has no idea how much people still talk about it to this day (and not in a good way).
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    antibride2013antibride2013 member
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    I would totally be pissed, call my sister bitch her out, and I would post everything on FB.  I absolutely detest people who lie and this is a very serious lie.  I would tell my parents "Nope I am telling everyone and I am not a liar and you guys raised us to be upstanding women and there is nothing honorable and upstanding about lying to have a damn party!" 
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    beachyone15beachyone15 member
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    I'm really sorry to hear this. I'd be really hurt too.


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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    I talked to my dad, and he apparently had no idea that I didn't know. Not that he made an attempt to tell me, either, but at least he wasn't actively not telling me.  He said he completely understands why I'm upset, but his advice was, "try not to let it get to you so much so you can still enjoy the ceremony in March and love your sister."

    Of course I still love her, but seriously? It just rings of my childhood when I was told, "Just be the good big sister and let her have X."

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    thespeshulestsnowflakethespeshulestsnowflake member
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    edited July 2015
    pinupbride6189 said:
    I talked to my dad, and he apparently had no idea that I didn't know. Not that he made an attempt to tell me, either, but at least he wasn't actively not telling me.  He said he completely understands why I'm upset, but his advice was, "try not to let it get to you so much so you can still enjoy the ceremony in March and love your sister."

    Of course I still love her, but seriously? It just rings of my childhood when I was told, "Just be the good big sister and let her have X."
    That's messed up. They are essentially telling you, and it sounds like they have done this your whole life, that your feelings do not matter. You don't have to take this.

    ETA: How old is you sister?
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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    thespeshulestsnowflake said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    I talked to my dad, and he apparently had no idea that I didn't know. Not that he made an attempt to tell me, either, but at least he wasn't actively not telling me.  He said he completely understands why I'm upset, but his advice was, "try not to let it get to you so much so you can still enjoy the ceremony in March and love your sister."

    Of course I still love her, but seriously? It just rings of my childhood when I was told, "Just be the good big sister and let her have X."
    That's messed up. They are essentially telling you, and it sounds like they have done this your whole life, that your feelings do not matter. You don't have to take this.

    ETA: How old is you sister?
    Idk. I don't think they actually feel like my don't mean anything. I think when I was a kid that was just the easiest way to avoid a melt down.  

    She's 24, I'm 26.

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    pinupbride6189pinupbride6189 member
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    redoryx said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    thespeshulestsnowflake said:
    pinupbride6189 said:
    I talked to my dad, and he apparently had no idea that I didn't know. Not that he made an attempt to tell me, either, but at least he wasn't actively not telling me.  He said he completely understands why I'm upset, but his advice was, "try not to let it get to you so much so you can still enjoy the ceremony in March and love your sister."

    Of course I still love her, but seriously? It just rings of my childhood when I was told, "Just be the good big sister and let her have X."
    That's messed up. They are essentially telling you, and it sounds like they have done this your whole life, that your feelings do not matter. You don't have to take this.

    ETA: How old is you sister?
    Idk. I don't think they actually feel like my don't mean anything. I think when I was a kid that was just the easiest way to avoid a melt down.  

    She's 24, I'm 26.

    Saying "I understand why your upset" and then following it up with "But try not to let it get to you too much" is him saying that your feelings aren't valid and it's bullshit. Furthermore, I don't think he understands why you're so upset -- if he did, he wouldn't tell you to put on a happy face and continue to be excited for the "ceremony" in March.

    Your sister is married. His daughter is married. Your parents witnessed the wedding. Not only that, this sounds like this was a well planned, well thought out affair. This was deliberate. This wasn't, wake up and decide to run down to the courthouse. 

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't let them -- your sister and your parents especially -- off the hook for this. I know what it's like to be the older sister and to watch her "get away" with shit because she's the youngest. I also know what it's like to not want to be the one to rock the boat in the family. But they are all adults, this was a choice they ALL made to participate in. You can make them own that choice. 
    Yeah, you're absolutely right. I think they just didn't expect me to feel the way I do about it, so they aren't sure how to deal with it, and the quickest, easiest thing is to say sorry and change the subject. My dad is coming up to visit this weekend, so I'll at least have a chance to talk to him about it in person.

    I think depending on how busy work is today, I might give my sister a call after I go in. I kind of feel bad at this point for having called and been upset with my parents when I haven't actually confronted her about it in the same manner. I agree that my parents should have told me, but this was ultimately her and her H's decision, and I don't think she realizes how important of a decision it was.

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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
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    I just hope you refer to your sister's husband as 'her husband' or your 'brother-in-law' until the "wedding".  Because that's what he is and you shouldn't have to lie to people.
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