FH has Mother and Step-Mother - Need Help!

Knottie80971910

My FH's parents are divorced, so I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation. My FMIL...is...nice??? She acts like she's a teenager. She tries too hard to be friends and is one of those overbearing my-son-is-greatest-man-that-ever-lived-and-everyone-should-know type people. (Thank God I'm not on FB, oh btw, she has a wedding countdown going on, on the book which she keeps tagging FH in). She NEVER stops talking and she's gossipy (yes, what female isn't.) But the gossip is usually about her ex-husbands wife, it's uncomfortable. And the reason she is talking all this BS is because of misunderstandings with other family members! It's a ridiculous circle and it's exhausting. Visits from her give me anxiety, no lie.

Now this, I LOVE my FFIL's wife! Love her. She's sweet, kind, funny, caring and is a genuinely nice person. 

As part of our wedding ceremony we have decided, rather than combining sand or lighting a candle, to do the "gift of the flowers." A nice little surprise for the mothers. During our ceremony, FH will gift my mother a flower, and I will gift his mother a flower. Here's the problem...FH and I wish to include his step-mother in this as well, and I am not sure what to do. My FMIL will (most likely) be offended.  

Side note one. To assist with the back story, his father and step mother have been together for about 15 years, so it's not like it's been a week. The relationship with FH and FFIL has been on and off, but has grown immensely since we started dating. 

Do I gift my FH's Step-mother with flowers during the ceremony like we want, and probably anger his mother (which I cannot believe I even care about, because I just cannot with her), or say forget it and not do what we want and provide them to her another way.

Side note two...step-mother is also the type of person that would not want to upset the FMIL, and wouldn't care either way. 

Side note three, we could easily NOT do the ceremony, I understand. I have already ordered the flowers, and can give them some other way, but we really likes this idea, and my mother would be so touched. 

I want to honor the step-mother, but unless I want to hear about it from the FMIL for the rest of my life...

SP29

This is your decision to make, there are consequences on both sides, it's up to you to decide which ones you can live with.

Either A) Don't do the rose ceremony at all, if you want to keep the peace. An option is for all 3 women to get corsages. Or Do the ceremony, with both FMIL and FSMIL standing as participants. If FMIL throws a fit, tell her you appreciate the role FSMIL plays in your life.

ShesSoCold

Knottie80971910 said:

My FH's parents are divorced, so I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation. My FMIL...is...nice??? She acts like she's a teenager. She tries too hard to be friends and is one of those overbearing my-son-is-greatest-man-that-ever-lived-and-everyone-should-know type people. (Thank God I'm not on FB, oh btw, she has a wedding countdown going on, on the book which she keeps tagging FH in). She NEVER stops talking and she's gossipy (yes, what female isn't.) But the gossip is usually about her ex-husbands wife, it's uncomfortable. And the reason she is talking all this BS is because of misunderstandings with other family members! It's a ridiculous circle and it's exhausting. Visits from her give me anxiety, no lie.

Now this, I LOVE my FFIL's wife! Love her. She's sweet, kind, funny, caring and is a genuinely nice person. 

As part of our wedding ceremony we have decided, rather than combining sand or lighting a candle, to do the "gift of the flowers." A nice little surprise for the mothers. During our ceremony, FH will gift my mother a flower, and I will gift his mother a flower. Here's the problem...FH and I wish to include his step-mother in this as well, and I am not sure what to do. My FMIL will (most likely) be offended.  

Side note one. To assist with the back story, his father and step mother have been together for about 15 years, so it's not like it's been a week. The relationship with FH and FFIL has been on and off, but has grown immensely since we started dating. 

Do I gift my FH's Step-mother with flowers during the ceremony like we want, and probably anger his mother (which I cannot believe I even care about, because I just cannot with her), or say forget it and not do what we want and provide them to her another way.

Side note two...step-mother is also the type of person that would not want to upset the FMIL, and wouldn't care either way. 

Side note three, we could easily NOT do the ceremony, I understand. I have already ordered the flowers, and can give them some other way, but we really likes this idea, and my mother would be so touched. 

I want to honor the step-mother, but unless I want to hear about it from the FMIL for the rest of my life...

This should be up to your FI. He might decide honoring his stepmom is worth offending his mom, or he might not. But this is 100% up to him.

FWIW, my dad/stepdad situation sounds a little similar to your FI's mom/stepmom situation and for me, I chose to have only my dad walk me down the aisle and nothing with stepdad. I talked to stepdad about it, told him I appreciate him and blah blah blah and he understood. For me, it was easier to honor my dad only and talk to my stepdad about it than it was to honor him and try to fix my dad's hurt over it. 

BouxRadley

I think if you feel like you want to give SMIL flowers, you should damn well give her flowers. Despite what MIL says, thinks, does, this is your wedding. If it would make you and FI happy, then that's what you should do. I understand not wanting to pick a fight, but I feel like if two out of three mother figures would enjoy/appreciate it, then tough titties for mommy dearest. It's a flower. It'll take a few seconds, and if she decides to start some big drawn out to-do about it, then that's her issue. MIL can like it or not, but SM is a mother figure in FI's life (and has been for the past 15 years), and should be treated as such. 

etf:spelling

AddieCake

This is his decision to make, not yours. He has to decide what the family dynamic is and what the repercussions (if any) will be either way he chooses and if it's worth it to him. Personally, I would give her the flowers since she has been a big part of his life for so long.

OliveOilsMom

I agree with Addie.  Let your FI decide.

Also, if your FMIL tries to gossip with you about FSMIL, then shut her down.  "FMIL, I don't want to talk about FSMIL.  I'm here with you now, so tell me, how has work been for you."  Just always turn the conversation back away from FSMIL.  Hopefully, it will eventually show FMIL that you won't discuss FSMIL with her and she may stop trying to gossip with you.

If your FI is uncomfortable with the wedding countdown on FB, he should also ask his mom to take it down.  He could tell her, he doesn't want to offend people who will not be invited to the wedding, but know about it.

MandyMost

I'd also let your FI decide. In my opinion, giving flowers to the mothers has nothing to do with how close you are to them now, but rather because you are recognizing them for being the ones to raise you up to the people you are know, and you appreciate their support, blah blah blah. I don't know how old your FI is--did the step mother really help to raise him? Or has she just been there as an adult? Is she really a mother figure to him?

Anyway, I guess the point is for you to decide if you are honoring them women who raised you/mother figures, OR are you honoring women in your life now? 

Jen4948

I'm torn.  It should be your FI's decision, yes.  I agree with PPs on that.

But while your OP mentions that you want to do this as "a nice little surprise for the mothers," I think that whatever you decide to do, if you do this, you need to lose the 'surprise' element.

Maggie0829

Jen4948 said:

I'm torn.  It should be your FI's decision, yes.  I agree with PPs on that.

But while your OP mentions that you want to do this as "a nice little surprise for the mothers," I think that whatever you decide to do, if you do this, you need to lose the 'surprise' element.

BOXES_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

I agree with this.  Especially the bolded.  Surprises, generally, never really turn out the way you may initially want them to.  

banana468

Honestly, I wouldn't do the ceremony.  If you want to do something lovely for the mothers then I'd just give them roses or send roses to them.

I think a lot of ceremonies have started to add lots of other inner ceremonies and while the sentiment is really thoughtful, they seem a little contrived.   That added to the potential feelings issue just tells me that this would be something better left to a private thank you to the moms done either before or after (like, days before or days after) the vows. 

STARMOON44

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama?

Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

aurianna

I'm not sure flowers to the mother is really "made up." It's pretty traditional, at least in a lot of Catholic weddings. Flowers to Mary and flowers to the mothers during the sign of peace.

So there are plenty of traditions a couple can choose to do or not do, so I'm not saying she MUST do the flowers, but I also don't think anyone should necessarily try scaring OP off the idea. If it's something they want to do, they should, especially because it's not some super off-in-left-field sort of thing.

I gave my stepmother, along with MoB and MoG, a flower during the sign of peace and my mother didn't say boo about it. Mom was aware that SM will be part of my life and my children's lives and knew making a fuss over a flower was pretty silly.
Everyone at the ceremony knew which lady was my mother and which was my stepmother. So I personally never felt that giving my stepmother a gift somehow diminished my mother in any way. That is the type of judgement call your FI is just going to have to make.

You could do something like give the mothers one color rose (or whatever) and give the stepmother a different kind of rose, but I think it's goofy that you'd even need to do that.

Alternatively.. could you make sure that his mother and her immediately family are in the front row, and then his dad & his SM and their immediately family are in the second row? If MoG is gonna get petty over a flower maybe her having the more special seating will counteract that.

Or you could give all three ladies a corsage before the wedding, but then only present flowers to the bio-moms, but then at least step mom still has a nice thing for the ceremony?


ugh. Normally I avoid this statement but: "It's your wedding. Do what you want."
Everyone should be able to act like adults at your wedding, whether it's sucking it up if they don't get a flower or sucking it up if someone else does get a flower.


Sorry. I went very stream of consciousness on that one.

banana468

aurianna said:

I'm not sure flowers to the mother is really "made up." It's pretty traditional, at least in a lot of Catholic weddings. Flowers to Mary and flowers to the mothers during the sign of peace.

So there are plenty of traditions a couple can choose to do or not do, so I'm not saying she MUST do the flowers, but I also don't think anyone should necessarily try scaring OP off the idea. If it's something they want to do, they should, especially because it's not some super off-in-left-field sort of thing.

I gave my stepmother, along with MoB and MoG, a flower during the sign of peace and my mother didn't say boo about it. Mom was aware that SM will be part of my life and my children's lives and knew making a fuss over a flower was pretty silly.
Everyone at the ceremony knew which lady was my mother and which was my stepmother. So I personally never felt that giving my stepmother a gift somehow diminished my mother in any way. That is the type of judgement call your FI is just going to have to make.

You could do something like give the mothers one color rose (or whatever) and give the stepmother a different kind of rose, but I think it's goofy that you'd even need to do that.

Alternatively.. could you make sure that his mother and her immediately family are in the front row, and then his dad & his SM and their immediately family are in the second row? If MoG is gonna get petty over a flower maybe her having the more special seating will counteract that.

Or you could give all three ladies a corsage before the wedding, but then only present flowers to the bio-moms, but then at least step mom still has a nice thing for the ceremony?


ugh. Normally I avoid this statement but: "It's your wedding. Do what you want."
Everyone should be able to act like adults at your wedding, whether it's sucking it up if they don't get a flower or sucking it up if someone else does get a flower.


Sorry. I went very stream of consciousness on that one.

Those are things that can be done at Catholic weddings but they aren't intensely traditional.   I've attended many Catholic weddings and flowers to Our Lady are given at maybe 10% of the ones I've seen and I've seen flowers given to the MOB/MOG maybe once (in addition to flowers that they wore/carried.

aurianna

I'd say much higher percentages at the ones I've gone to.
But regardless, the ceremony is something the couple plans so if they want to do it, I think they should

[Deleted User]

STARMOON44 said:

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama? Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

I want to quote this one for truth.  I threw up in my mouth a little when OP said that all "females" are gossips.  Sexist much?

banana468

aurianna said:

I'd say much higher percentages at the ones I've gone to.
But regardless, the ceremony is something the couple plans so if they want to do it, I think they should

But when the couple plan a ceremony, I think most know their roles.   

Viczaesar

Knottie80971910 said:

My FH's parents are divorced, so I'm not quite sure what to do in this situation. My FMIL...is...nice??? She acts like she's a teenager. She tries too hard to be friends and is one of those overbearing my-son-is-greatest-man-that-ever-lived-and-everyone-should-know type people. (Thank God I'm not on FB, oh btw, she has a wedding countdown going on, on the book which she keeps tagging FH in). She NEVER stops talking and she's gossipy (yes, what female isn't.) But the gossip is usually about her ex-husbands wife, it's uncomfortable. And the reason she is talking all this BS is because of misunderstandings with other family members! It's a ridiculous circle and it's exhausting. Visits from her give me anxiety, no lie.

Now this, I LOVE my FFIL's wife! Love her. She's sweet, kind, funny, caring and is a genuinely nice person. 

As part of our wedding ceremony we have decided, rather than combining sand or lighting a candle, to do the "gift of the flowers." A nice little surprise for the mothers. During our ceremony, FH will gift my mother a flower, and I will gift his mother a flower. Here's the problem...FH and I wish to include his step-mother in this as well, and I am not sure what to do. My FMIL will (most likely) be offended.  

Side note one. To assist with the back story, his father and step mother have been together for about 15 years, so it's not like it's been a week. The relationship with FH and FFIL has been on and off, but has grown immensely since we started dating. 

Do I gift my FH's Step-mother with flowers during the ceremony like we want, and probably anger his mother (which I cannot believe I even care about, because I just cannot with her), or say forget it and not do what we want and provide them to her another way.

Side note two...step-mother is also the type of person that would not want to upset the FMIL, and wouldn't care either way. 

Side note three, we could easily NOT do the ceremony, I understand. I have already ordered the flowers, and can give them some other way, but we really likes this idea, and my mother would be so touched. 

I want to honor the step-mother, but unless I want to hear about it from the FMIL for the rest of my life...

The fuck?

Knottie80971910

I asked a simple question. This is a forum on etiquette...clearly you have none.

Knottie80971910

Thank you all for the actual opinions I received, to those of you who chose to be losers and post to post something...shove off and get a life. I'm sure you've posted on everyone's questions on every board on here. As I've previously stated. Get. A. Life.

Viczaesar

Knottie80971910 said:

I asked a simple question. This is a forum on etiquette...clearly you have none.

Because I'm offended at your rude blanket statement about all "females"?  Ridiculous stereotypes are offensive.  People are going to call you out on being offensive.  Deal with it.

Honey, look in the damn mirror.  YOU came here and asked a question.  Apparently you're just as much in need of a life as everyone else here. 

AddieCake

How does not liking your generalization that all women gossip equate to a lack of etiquette?

Knottie1430025803

STARMOON44 said:

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama? Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

Female is a completely acceptable term to use. In the military we use it, and that's how I refer to women. I doubt OP meant female as an insult, although I've never understood how being called a female is insulting. You ARE one lol.

climbingsingle

You need to stop with the sweeping sexist generalizations. Not every woman gossips. And I know men that gossip too.

Knottie1430025803

Here's what I think OP (as a stepmom to be) My future stepdaughters mother is straight up loonier than a tune. She gossips, insults people, and is genuinely an unpleasant person to be around. If I were the stepmom in this situation (She sounds like a great stepmom!), my feelings would be slightly hurt that I was not recognized at the wedding. THAT BEING SAID: As a stepmother to a child with an involved biological mother....I am not my SDs mother. And that is okay! SD sees her mom as her "mom" and sometimes will refer to me during snuggling sessions as her half mom. for the most part I am her fathers fiancé and she loves me for that role. I would rather feel slightly hurt about the confirmation I am not her mother at her wedding than have the bond between her and her biological mother hurt. As a stepparent, even though I loathe ex wife, it is my role to encourage SDs relationship with BOTH parents. I refuse to take part in any activity that would actively hurt ex wife as her mother to my stepdaughter. That's just my two cents! Nix the flowers, or deliver them personally before the wedding

STARMOON44

Knottie1430025803 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama?

Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

Female is a completely acceptable term to use. In the military we use it, and that's how I refer to women.

I doubt OP meant female as an insult, although I've never understood how being called a female is insulting. You ARE one lol.



And when I join the military, I'll be sure to adjust to their customs. Meanwhile, in civilian land, female humans are called women. If you say "females" do something, my question is female whats? Cats? Birds? Raptors? It's insulting because using female to refer to human females is quite literally dehumanizing. Intentionally or not, I find it telling that the OP used females while saying derogatory things about women.

Knottie1430025803

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama? Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

Female is a completely acceptable term to use. In the military we use it, and that's how I refer to women. I doubt OP meant female as an insult, although I've never understood how being called a female is insulting. You ARE one lol.

And when I join the military, I'll be sure to adjust to their customs. Meanwhile, in civilian land, female humans are called women. If you say "females" do something, my question is female whats? Cats? Birds? Raptors? It's insulting because using female to refer to human females is quite literally dehumanizing. Intentionally or not, I find it telling that the OP used females while saying derogatory things about women.

Pretty sure everyone with reading comprehension can figure out she was referring to female humans. If you find the term dehumanizing, I suggest you take that up with the United states government, the medical field, and your counselor.

Viczaesar

Knottie1430025803 said:

STARMOON44 said:

STARMOON44 said:

Why would you make up a ceremony that you know is going to cause hurt feelings? Do you love drama? Also, all "females" do not gossip. For starters, the word for human female is woman, and lots of us don't gossip. And lots of men do.

Female is a completely acceptable term to use. In the military we use it, and that's how I refer to women. I doubt OP meant female as an insult, although I've never understood how being called a female is insulting. You ARE one lol.

And when I join the military, I'll be sure to adjust to their customs. Meanwhile, in civilian land, female humans are called women. If you say "females" do something, my question is female whats? Cats? Birds? Raptors? It's insulting because using female to refer to human females is quite literally dehumanizing. Intentionally or not, I find it telling that the OP used females while saying derogatory things about women.

Pretty sure everyone with reading comprehension can figure out she was referring to female humans. If you find the term dehumanizing, I suggest you take that up with the United states government, the medical field, and your counselor.

Female is an adjective, not a noun.  The noun is women.  Female human beings, or women.  The fact the military uses female as a noun (supposedly) doesn't make them correct.  My doctor uses the term female correctly, as an adjective. 

NowIAmSyp

Knottie80971910 said:

Thank you all for the actual opinions I received, to those of you who chose to be losers and post to post something...shove off and get a life. I'm sure you've posted on everyone's questions on every board on here. As I've previously stated. Get. A. Life.

Sure... this is gonna go over well

drunkenwitch

I'm packin a vag and I don't gossip. As a matter of fact, a lot of my friends use me as a sounding board and confide me because I am known to keep my mouth shut. Hell, my manager confides in me about all the behind the scenes drama when she needs to vent her spleen because nothing, NOTHING, she has ever said to me has been repeated.

Do I have to turn in my female card now?

Viczaesar

drunkenwitch said:

I'm packin a vag and I don't gossip. As a matter of fact, a lot of my friends use me as a sounding board and confide me because I am known to keep my mouth shut. Hell, my manager confides in me about all the behind the scenes drama when she needs to vent her spleen because nothing, NOTHING, she has ever said to me has been repeated. Do I have to turn in my female card now?

Clearly you're vag-ing wrong, @drunkenwitch. 

drunkenwitch

Viczaesar said:

drunkenwitch said:

I'm packin a vag and I don't gossip. As a matter of fact, a lot of my friends use me as a sounding board and confide me because I am known to keep my mouth shut. Hell, my manager confides in me about all the behind the scenes drama when she needs to vent her spleen because nothing, NOTHING, she has ever said to me has been repeated.

Do I have to turn in my female card now?

Clearly you're vag-ing wrong, @drunkenwitch. 


That explains why my vagina suddenly closed up, better get on the phone and start gossiping.